I'm resenting my infirmed mother

[bekalc]

I’m in my mid twenties, and until a year and half ago I was attending a seminary and working (I was a Protestant). I came back Catholic, and generally confused on what I was suppose to be doing in general. So I worked some odd jobs and well I kind of had a rough time of it, I even got in an accident that destroyed my car.

Now things are looking up, I finally got things together so I can substitute teach, and I’m working at another place too. I just started subing last week. I am also going back to school to be certified to teach ESL.

The problem I’m having right now is with my mom. She had a bad surgery last year where a doctor did some damage to her spinal cord. Her one arm is in pain constantly, and now her other arm is messed up do to over use. She decided recently to go on disibility at work because she was afraid they would fire her because she can’t keep up.

The issue is that I find myself getting really frustrated with my mom. I have been trying to help her with money and its the reason I’m keeping my first job… (Although I might still keep it to pay for school) I’m resenting her because I feel like she does nothing. The house is never cleaned etc…And whenever I’m home, its “get this for me, get that for me. Oh that hurts my arm…”

Then a couple of weeks ago, we found out that she has kidney stones. (My Grandmother died that day, and I had just spent the whole night working at my other job. My Aunt came to get me and said oh you have to go to the hospital with your mom.) I can honestly say I wasn’t pleased with my reaction to it, and I don’t understand why I was so mad.

Well, she had laser surgery today because of her kidney stones, and I had to take of both jobs to take her there. A couple of days ago, she had mentioned that she need someone to watch her for 24 hours. I had been pretty tired that day, but I remember I was really freaked out. I already had to give up subbing Monday (to take her to her surgery), and I was going to have to give it up again because of a mandatory school meeting/plus having to take kitty to the vet for declawing. By the time my mom mentioned me taking of on Tuesday it was a little late for me to get off on my second job since schedules come out on Friday!

However, my mom then said well my friends said she might be able to do it if she has no appointments and I’d be willing to pick her up. I know for a fact that I told my mom picking up her friend would not be a problem. It was a major relief to me.

I worked all weekened and she went away for the night with a friend, and if the friend was mentioned at all it was in passing.

So today when I was in the room for the laser surgery with her, she made mention of the fact that I was taking of tommorrow. I freaked out in the room and said what about your friend, and my mom said “Well I didn’t ask her because you sounded unsure!” I got really angry with her at that moment and said things I shouldn’t have said. I didn’t leave my mom oh everything is okay now… I was just two steaming mad to do so.

My mom says that I’m putting a price on her head, and she shouldn’t have to ask a friend to watch over her, because she has a daughter… I’m upset because my mom is getting nothing in disibility yet, we have a mortgage (that she didn’t pay last month), and I felt like she should have made at least an effort to get someone else to watch her tommorrow. I’m also looking at two weeks off anyways, so we really need the money, I’d be bringing in.

I just feel like my mom isn’t helping me at all. She’s not even meeting me close to half way. She’s unwilling to talk about things like moving into an apartment etc. We know fight about these kind of things all the time. A key kicker for me is the fact that my mom is unwilling to take my kitten to get declawed (something she wants not me.) I don’t want to have to take off time at work, and I just wish she’d help me out by driving him to the vets. She refuses saying that when we got the cat it would be my responsibility. (I get that I really do but her refusal to me is a symbol of the fact that she is just unwilling to help me whatsover.) Now, I’m planning on rescheduling so that I can take him during Christmas break, so I don’t lose out on teaching.

A key factor in my resentment is the feeling is this going to be my life for the next 30 some years?

 

[Marilena]

hmm… well think of it this way. iam not able to work because of my health. and this puts an enormous strain on my marriage. my husband works full time, and comes home and works 4 more hours a night. frank works his reg job 40 hrs a week, then comes home and does 4 more a night.

he has to help out around the house. he resents it alot lately.
there is nothing i can do about it. at least your mom is eligible
for disability because iam not. here, we have strict criteria for
being eligible for disability. as long as you walk here, you don’t qualify for it.

oh yes, i can do some things, but not alot. frank knows this is going to be the way it is until i can have surgery, and iam terrified of hospitals and have OCD. this has been a personal
battle with me for 15 years, and due to my OCD, i have not had the surgery i desperately need.

no, you cannot just say to me, marilena go and have it done!
it isn’t that easy! especially when you have a mental disability.
your mom does not enjoy “sponging” off you believe me. try showing her a little compassion. what would you do if you were in her situation? don’t think it can’t happen to you because it can. think how she feels? do you think she enjoys
not being able to do things she normally would’ve? not likely.

what does the ten commandments state about us honoring our father and our mother? so you have to help her out, so?
she needs you. until you can arrange for a part time nurse to come and help her out, or look into charities that have volunteers to come over and drive her to and from appointments, or contact someone at your church who may be able to donate some time to help her out, then don’t be angry with your mom.

we only have one set of parents on earth, and we are honor bound to help them out in time of need. how would you like it if your child felt this way towards you? i know you say you wouldn’t put your child through that, but how do you know you wouldn"t be in a similar situation somehwere down the road?

stop arguing with your mom, and show her some love and respect. don’t you have other family members that would be willing to come over once in a while and help her out? if not, check into charitable organizations that have day homes where she can visit with people during the day and then come home in the evening, or people who voluntarily come over and help out around the house and so on.

most of all, think of it this way, would you treat Jesus that way? He is the heavenly Father, so would you treat Him that way? certainly not.

God bless you. and your mother one added note i should’ve mentioned about my hubby, he does resent that he has to help out, but you know what? we talk openly about it, and he
knows he has to help out no matter how tired he is. sure, he
doesn’t like it, but he does it because he loves me, and he is
not angry by any means, he just helps out because he knows
it is necessary until i can manage my OCD with my therapist.

 

[Giannawannabe]

The problem I’m having right now is with my mom. She had a bad surgery last year where a doctor did some damage to her spinal cord. Her one arm is in pain constantly, and now her other arm is messed up do to over use. She decided recently to go on disibility at work because she was afraid they would fire her because she can’t keep up.

The issue is that I find myself getting really frustrated with my mom. I have been trying to help her with money and its the reason I’m keeping my first job… (Although I might still keep it to pay for school) I’m resenting her because I feel like she does nothing. The house is never cleaned etc…And whenever I’m home, its “get this for me, get that for me. Oh that hurts my arm…”

.
My mom says that I’m putting a price on her head, and she shouldn’t have to ask a friend to watch over her, because she has a daughter… I’m upset because my mom is getting nothing in disibility yet, we have a mortgage (that she didn’t pay last month), and I felt like she should have made at least an effort to get someone else to watch her tommorrow. I’m also looking at two weeks off anyways, so we really need the money, I’d be bringing in.

I
A key factor in my resentment is the feeling is this going to be my life for the next 30 some years?

I can see why you are are feeling resentful. It is not so much that your mom needs help right now. It’s that she is expecting you to do ALL the helping. She sounds a little controlling and manipulative. You are being good to your mom by taking her in and helping her out financially. However, some boundaries need to be put in place. Perhaps you can sit down with your mom and work out some details as to how much care she really needs(is it really 24/7 care?), how much you can give to her, and who can help with the times you can’t be there for her. It sounds like her injury is permanent? Is she having any kind of therapy or procedures done to help?
Your mom sounds like she is very afraid. She has lost a lot of her independence, and she is scared to be alone. She is being controlling of your time, so that she can feel in control of her situation. She needs to begin to do things on her own and regain her independence. In a loving way, you need to begin helping her with this. Although it may seem the most loving to continue helping her with everything, it is more loving to help her to help herself. Maybe you could hammer out some chores/household activities that your mom could help with. You don’t mention any other family—do you have sibs? Does your mom have sibs that could help?
It is not helpful for you to lose your employment due to frequent absences. Since you are the main breadwinner(?) right now, it is essential for you to work. Perhaps your mom could hire someone to drive her places and care for her? Most communities have transportation available to take people to doctor appointments/therapy, etc. Look into that.
You and your mom seem to be fighting about things that are not at the crux of your problems. You both need to really outline what the needs are for your situation and determine how those needs can be fulfilled----as I said above, YOU can’t fulfill 100%.
What a difficult situation. I’ll keep you and your mom in prayer.

 

[mom2boyz]

I would think your mom might be just as angry as you are. Someone hurt her in a way that has drastically changed her life. She trusted that doctor to take care of her and he made her worse. I could see how that might make her angry. I also agree that she is afraid. Her health is failing her. It is really hard to appreciate how important good health is until you loose it. I personally can’t imagine living in constant pain. That would make me crabby even if I weren’t mad and afraid. It might help if you could listen and talk with your mom.

It sounds like you need some help. If there are friends or family, ask them for help. Most people are willing to help, but sometimes don’t know what to do. As for your mom you might need to be firm with her regarding allowing others to help. You might explain to her when you will have others available to help her and when you will be available to help her yourself. Pray for strength and wisdom.

 

[Sr_Sally]

I agree with Wannabe. Your mom is scared too and in pain. Both of your lives have changed drastically. I’m sure she is used to being independent and working and must be nervous about money etc also.

Is she Catholic also? Can you start praying together? Maybe a decade of the rosary in the evenings?

Practically, you need to enlist some regular help. Ask your priest for advice about groups that might help you with financial planning. Then maybe plan specific days dureing the next few weeks when a friend (ours or hers) can help your mom with errands while you are working.

This is a busy time of year so doubly stress-inducing. Please be patient with yourself and your mom. As you both get used to this new arrangement things will get easier. I will be praying for you!

 

[queen_anne78]

Go to confession.

Often.

My grandmother has Alzheimer’s and has been living with my parents since last January. My mom and I are her primary caregivers (after I got married in May, I still drive to my parents house 3-4 days a week to care for her). She is not a nice person in general, and the Alzheimer’s makes it worse…it’s like mental torture to be around her. It’s very easy to resent the person you have to care for, and then you feel awful because this person is family…the only thing that helps me is to go to confession often and talk to the priest about the situation. Anger and resentment allow evil to take root in your soul and you don’t want that.

 

[bekalc]

I agree with Wannabe. Your mom is scared too and in pain. Both of your lives have changed drastically. I’m sure she is used to being independent and working and must be nervous about money etc also.

Is she Catholic also? Can you start praying together? Maybe a decade of the rosary in the evenings?

Practically, you need to enlist some regular help. Ask your priest for advice about groups that might help you with financial planning. Then maybe plan specific days dureing the next few weeks when a friend (ours or hers) can help your mom with errands while you are working.

This is a busy time of year so doubly stress-inducing. Please be patient with yourself and your mom. As you both get used to this new arrangement things will get easier. I will be praying for you!

It’s a hard situation too because I came back to live at home and my mom was working and I had a bad job. Now, I’m pulling the income, and I really should be grateful that my mom supported me when I was having a hard time. So I really don’t mind so much helping her out now.

What’s frustrating for me though is the little things like not asking a friend to help her so that I can still work. It’s not so much that I value money over her, its that we really need the money, and I"m so stressed out over money. If she had just tried to get someone else, it would have meant the world to me, and honestly her getting someone else would help her too! Most of her friends know about my mom’s situation, and so I would think they would understand why I couldn’t necessarily afford to take the time of work. It’s a completely understandable situation. But she feels like she shouldn’t have to ask her friends, she can just trust God for the money. (Literally!)

Or, if she would say, you know what I’ll take the cat to the vets so that you can work. I know the cat is my responsibility, but I would think that taking the cat actually helps her because the more I work, the more I can help her with the money. But, it feels like that my mom doesn’t think about things this way. She thinks that if she helps me with the cat that somehow it means I haven’t learned responsiblity for the cat, and that she’s caved in somehow. She feels she has to punish me for not getting him declawed earlier. In someways, I feel like she thinks me losing out at work is “amble punishment.”

I feel terrible because I blew up at her in the surgery room when I found out that she hadn’t asked her friend to watch her yesterday. I blew up big time and made her upset, and was so angry that I called my Grandmother, Brother, and Aunt and stewed. I was just so mad and that’s not right and its not something I can take back. But what frustrates me is the feeling that she doesn’t really get why I’m so angry. She thinks that this is just about money for me and its really not. It’s the whole situation and the feeling like she’s not willing to work with me or make the situation easier. It’s like she will only work with me if she deems it acceptable. This whole situation really needs a lot of prayer…

 

[OldAgeGuru]

Well you don’t say how old your mom is. But check around your area to see what elder supports are out there. I work to keep old people aging in place, get them HHA’s, PCA’s, homemakers, home delivered meals etc. You need to get out of the house for something other than work to relieve stress. And you need to have an honest conversation with your mother. Do it in public so you both will at least try to keep your tone in check. Seriously do these things, when you get angry you bottle it up and then something really stupid sets you off… I’m the same way. Everybody is the same way.

On a side note. Why are you getting the cats declawed? I didn’t think vet’s did that anymore.

 

[Meggie]

Talk to your mom about setting up a “network of support” so both of you can have better support.
This means that you have appropriate work hours and time to yourself.
This means that she has appropriate care. Appropriate care DOES NOT mean *your *care. Find people who are able to help in both the short and long term.

“Afraid that they woud fire her becuase she couldn’t keep up” means that she IS capable of doing some things. Perhaps you should both come up with a list of things that she can and should do along with a list of difficult things that you can do.

About the financials for the house…it seems too big of a burdan. This is something that you have to seriously consdier as if she cannot improve and cannot live alone keeping the house is a drastic financial burdan that she can’t really keep asking you to carry.

If she refueses to budge look into assisted living and get a place nearby, care for and about her but don’t let her care become your whole life. You do need to be concerned with your future and things like dating or courtship because of your age. If you don’t want to be married then you REALLY have to establish the rules for the next 30 years.

 

[3boyzmom]

Oh my, I was so surprised by your post- because I see myself in it! My mom moved in with my husband and I and our kids a few years ago after my dad passed away. She’s a sweet lady but has had a lifelong problem with depression, and has always been a very dependent sort. I have knocked my head against a wall trying to get her to get out and meet people- hooked her up with a senior citizen’s group (“too snobby”) and tried to get her to join in social activities at her church (“don’t want to go out at night”), etc. She only wants us. Me. It feels suffocating sometimes, then I feel horribly guilty for feeling resentful. She also does minimal around the house, but that doesn’t bother me so much; it’s just the total lack of privacy; always feeling ‘watched.’ I do love her. I really do. But it is hard.

I agree that your mom (and mine) are unhappy with their own situations and loss of independence and control over their lives. What they have a hard time with, though, is the concept of taking control of their lives again. Even if their lives can’t be the same, they could still be good, but they don’t want that, they want what they used to have, and it’s not going to happen.

Once in confession I was talking about these guilt feelings, and he told me something along the lines of “when the parent becomes older and infirm, she becomes like a child again. Take her for a ride once in a while; bring her a little surprise home once in a while; and just try not to take the behaviors too personallyi.” Good advice; not always easy to follow.

Wish I had better advice than that, but I just wanted to say “I hear ya”. God bless all of us and all the moms as well!

 

[unworthy]

Hi Bekalc,
remember when you were a child and your mum took care of you? If you don’t remember, she probably wouldn’t tell you, but that took a lot of love and time. And lots of sacrifice.

She’s your child now, take good care of her. She may leave you any day. Offer up what suffering you experience and never complain.

Love,
-unworthy

 

[LSK]

May I suggest you use a Jesus Box?

Get a shoebox, decorate it any way you want, and cut a hole in the lid.

Instead of behaving badly and freaking out at your mother in public or private, get out a pen and a piece of paper on a very regular basis (at least once a day) and just vomit up your feelings onto that paper (yes I know…lovely image, eh?).
Don’t worry about spelling, grammar or syntax or what it looks like or what someone else might think of you if they read it…just blech it up…

It might look like this:

is she every going to stop complaining about her arm what is wrong with her that she cannot even clean the house a little doesn’t she know I am going to lose my job and never be able to have a life and what a piece of work I am to feel this way I am horrible but I cannot breathe she is a naggy whiny woman and I wish she were dead no I don’t not really I am just so tired and why is everything on me anyway why won’t some help me and I have just about had it I will have to move to Denver and hide somewhere if she doesn’t just shut UP about that arm…

When you are all done writing, fold the paper in half, get on your knees and say “Dear Lord, here it is…this is what I am feeling and I cannot seem to change it. Please Lord, take it. Take what I am feeling and turn my attention to how I may be of service to You. Amen”.

Then put the paper in the Jesus Box and WALK AWAY…

You may have to do this three or four times a day - who cares? Eventually you will make the connection between giving your will and your life over to Jesus and how that is truly the Catholic Way.

BTW - I write about something to go in my Jesus Box at LEAST once a day.

 

[tequilamac]

I’m in my mid twenties, and until a year and half ago I was attending a seminary and working (I was a Protestant). I came back Catholic, and generally confused on what I was suppose to be doing in general. So I worked some odd jobs and well I kind of had a rough time of it, I even got in an accident that destroyed my car.

Now things are looking up, I finally got things together so I can substitute teach, and I’m working at another place too. I just started subing last week. I am also going back to school to be certified to teach ESL.

The problem I’m having right now is with my mom. She had a bad surgery last year where a doctor did some damage to her spinal cord. Her one arm is in pain constantly, and now her other arm is messed up do to over use. She decided recently to go on disibility at work because she was afraid they would fire her because she can’t keep up.

The issue is that I find myself getting really frustrated with my mom. I have been trying to help her with money and its the reason I’m keeping my first job… (Although I might still keep it to pay for school) I’m resenting her because I feel like she does nothing. The house is never cleaned etc…And whenever I’m home, its “get this for me, get that for me. Oh that hurts my arm…”

Then a couple of weeks ago, we found out that she has kidney stones. (My Grandmother died that day, and I had just spent the whole night working at my other job. My Aunt came to get me and said oh you have to go to the hospital with your mom.) I can honestly say I wasn’t pleased with my reaction to it, and I don’t understand why I was so mad.

Well, she had laser surgery today because of her kidney stones, and I had to take of both jobs to take her there. A couple of days ago, she had mentioned that she need someone to watch her for 24 hours. I had been pretty tired that day, but I remember I was really freaked out. I already had to give up subbing Monday (to take her to her surgery), and I was going to have to give it up again because of a mandatory school meeting/plus having to take kitty to the vet for declawing. By the time my mom mentioned me taking of on Tuesday it was a little late for me to get off on my second job since schedules come out on Friday!

However, my mom then said well my friends said she might be able to do it if she has no appointments and I’d be willing to pick her up. I know for a fact that I told my mom picking up her friend would not be a problem. It was a major relief to me.
My mom says that I’m putting a price on her head, and she shouldn’t have to ask a friend to watch over her, because she has a daughter… I’m upset because my mom is getting nothing in disibility yet, we have a mortgage (that she didn’t pay last month), and I felt like she should have made at least an effort to get someone else to watch her tommorrow. I’m also looking at two weeks off anyways, so we really need the money, I’d be bringing in.

I just feel like my mom isn’t helping me at all. She’s not even meeting me close to half way. She’s unwilling to talk about things like moving into an apartment etc. We know fight about these kind of things all the time. A key kicker for me is the fact that my mom is unwilling to take my kitten to get declawed (something she wants not me.) I don’t want to have to take off time at work, and I just wish she’d help me out by driving him to the vets. She refuses saying that when we got the cat it would be my responsibility. (I get that I really do but her refusal to me is a symbol of the fact that she is just unwilling to help me whatsover.) Now, I’m planning on rescheduling so that I can take him during Christmas break, so I don’t lose out on teaching.

A key factor in my resentment is the feeling is this going to be my life for the next 30 some years?

Been there done that.
First- calm down and take a deep breath. Remember God is as responsible for your mom as you are.
Second- Does your mom have any insurance either private or medicaid from disability with which you could get temporary in home help? Both my mother in law, Dad and Mom off and on had temporary nursing aids, companions and housekeepers, sometimes just for two hours a week.
Third- contact your local St. Vincent de Paul or Catholic Charities and see if you can set up a. a driver for appointments, in house visits to help out.
Fourth- check to see if you have a local bus service who caters to disabled and/or senior citizens.
Fifth- tell all your friends and her friends that you are going nuts. See if you can get them to help out even to the point of setting up a schedule for a while.
Sixth- Recognise your mom is probably scared out of her wits. People who become disabled are frequently frightened by the possible ramifications and become whiny and dependent like children. Be patient and reassuring.
Seventh- Another job is always around the corner but your mom lives only once.
Eight- How old is she? Is there equity in the mortgage? Can you get a reverse mortgage for her which will pay her cash every month.

 

[OldAgeGuru]

DON’T get a reverse mortgage… just don’t do it. If God forbid your mother needs to go into a nursing home, and has no savings, but doesn’t qualify for Medicaid… you’ll need the reverse mortgage to pay for the facilty. If your really in desperate need of cash call legal aid and ask for some legal/financial advice.

 

[3boyzmom]

LSK- I love the Jesus Box idea! I might adopt that one myself.

unworthy- yes, you are right; our moms deserve our care and respect. They did take care of us as they raised us. But you have to remember, when WE misbehaved, got attitudes, or wanted to live in a way that was not healthy for us, they also got plenty frustrated. We want the best for them just as they did for us. But it is frustrating to watch someone you love decline and lose motivation and become dependent, which is just as depressing for them as it is for you. I don’t think you can advise someone to not get frustrated. It’s just not that easy. It doesn’t mean we don’t love and care for our mamas. I hear you, though, we do sometimes have to remind ourselves of the sacrifices they made for us.

 

[francisca]

Hi Bekalc,
remember when you were a child and your mum took care of you? If you don’t remember, she probably wouldn’t tell you, but that took a lot of love and time. And lots of sacrifice.

She’s your child now, take good care of her. She may leave you any day. Offer up what suffering you experience and never complain.

Love,
-unworthy

I totally agree with this one.

bekalc,

It is normal that you become emotional because you are overworked physically and mentally. When we have a lot of problems, we become quick tempered and blows up easily.

In such difficult situation, I think it is good to try to see it in the other person’s perspective.

For example, you worte :

bekalc:

A key factor in my resentment is the feeling is this going to be my life for the next 30 some years?

I am sure that your mother asks exactly the same question as the above.

I think your mother now is being insecure about her life the next 30 years just as much as you do. She demands your attention because she has her own fears just as you do. To battle fire with fire will only make the problems get bigger.

So go back to “believe”. As unworthy wrote above, as such is the way to believe. If both people are fearful, both will sink the ship. It does not matter who row the boat more. As long as the boat is moving forward, believe that there will be a rainbow behind the storm. The one to believe will be the one to row. It is better if you can make your mother believe in your love for her, so that she stops being insecure about it. So then the two of you can row together, faster and easier to the rainbow.