Is it selfish to not have the desire to get married and have children?

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Hail_Mary

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I’m worried and this has been in my mind recently. The reason being is that my parents expect me to be in an arranged marriage after I graduate from college and get a job. Deep down in my mind , I do fear the idea of having to spend my lifetime with someone I do not love or being in an abusive relationship and I do fear the idea of being treated like a servant by my future husband and his family. I feel that way because of seeing how my parents marriage went and my parents did have an arranged marriage.

So, at one point in my life I did desire to get married and have children but that has changed. At that time, I dreaded the idea of becoming a nun or remaining single for the rest of my life but now I don’t feel that way anymore. I am still discerning my vocation and praying to God about it even though I’m still in college.

I know marriage and having children can be beautiful but I see it as an added bonus in life. I also think that sex is overrated.
 
Hail_Mary said:
The reason being is that my parents expect me to be in an arranged marriage after I graduate from college and get a job. Deep down in my mind , I do fear the idea of having to spend my lifetime with someone I do not love or being in an abusive relationship and I do fear the idea of being treated like a servant by my future husband and his family.
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The fourth commandment clearly states that people have the right to determine their own spouse and vocation and parents are not to exert undue pressure in this area.

You will have to go against cultural norms to assert yourself in this matter.

You are young and have a lot of time to discern. Not everyone is called to marriage. But fear based on cultural norms isn’t a reason to avoid marriage.

You will have to be prepared to stand up to your parents and say “no”. I do not know where you live so obviously you also have to factor in your own safety.
 
Are you Catholic?

Are you in Asia? The expectation in East Asian countries is that the wife is not only supposed to take care of the husband and children but to take care of the parents in law as well. The daughter in law is a hand maid to the mother in law.

Marriage rates are falling in East Asia because women are suddenly realizing that they don’t have to be a slave to the mother in law.

Catholics are not expected to be coerced into getting married, even by one’s own parents.

I know some cultures expect everyone to get married and think nothing of forcing others to get married. This is not the Catholic way.

No, it is not necessarily selfish to not want to get married.
 
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Actually, I am originally from India and I was born there but I lived in the United States for thirteen years.
 
South Asia has that custom too right? About the daughter in law serving the mother in law?
 
Hail_Mary said:
Actually, I am originally from India and I was born there but I lived in the United States for thirteen years.
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Well if you live in the United States, then there should be less concerned for going against cultural norms. You have the freedom as an adult when you are 18 to move away, and you are under no obligation to be in an arranged marriage. Safety is always a concern, because I do know that in some places honor killings are common. They even have an in the United States. But that does not sound like what your family may be dealing with. If your family is Christian, there should be less concerned for physical retaliation for making your own choices.
 
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Actually, my family is also Catholic like me and I grew up in a Catholic household.

I do think about moving out of home when I graduate from college and get a job. Unfortunately, my parents are paying for my college tuition fees. I do not want to be financially dependent on my parents anymore. I also do not want to accept any money from them.
 
Speak to a counselor at your school about your options. In the United States you don’t have a choice about whether you were considered a dependent or independent student in most cases for financial aid purposes. But you should at least talk to University about financial aid options if your parents are no longer paying for your school. However parents paying for college does not mean that they get to choose your spouse. It is not quid pro quo and you should not feel guilty about them paying for college. Nor should you feel guilty if you do not move forward with an arranged marriage even if they did pay for your school.
 
Hail_Mary said:
Actually, my family is also Catholic like me and I grew up in a Catholic household.

I do think about moving out of home when I graduate from college and get a job. Unfortunately, my parents are paying for my college tuition fees. I do not want to be financially dependent on my parents anymore. I also do not want to accept any money from them.
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Perhaps speak to their priest then as well? Keep in mind that in US culture you are still considered very young - I’d say marriage in the mid to late 20’s is more the norm.
 
Hail_Mary said:
I’m 20 years old and I’ll be turning 21 on this coming July.
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Yeah I guarantee most of your peers in college aren’t even thinking about getting married. Younger marriages also tend to not last as long. You have plenty of time still to discern your own vocation. The bigger issue seems to be figuring out how to tell your parents that. Might I also suggest looking for communities (either in real life or online) with other immigrants from the same area, or their children? I know many people find it hard to apply the advice they get to their own situation, when their families have very different backgrounds and approaches.
 
Well if they ever ask me about getting an arranged marriage, I will just politely say no. If they ask me why, I will just tell them that marriage is not for me and it is not what God has in store for me. I’m just going to reject any marriage offers I get.
 
Hail_Mary said:
I’m just going to reject any marriage offers I get.
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This is a bit of cutting off your nose to spite your face. At your age I would not suggest ruling marriage out. Especially if you’ve been through no spiritual discernment with a spiritual director or your pastor.
 
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Seeing my parents argue in front of me did have an emotional toll on me and they have no idea how my mental state is. I even feel scared to tell them how I am feeling in my mind because I feel like they will judge me. I don’t think they will ever allow me to disagree with them. I feel like this may affect my relationships in the future.
 
Hail_Mary said:
I don’t think they will ever allow me to disagree with them. I feel like this may affect my relationships in the future.
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Hint: they don’t get to “allow” you to disagree or not. I’d second the mention of counseling. And like I said, look at groups for immigrants or their children - I know some people have a hard time applying counseling on its own if there’s a cultural mismatch. Often people with similar cultural backgrounds have useful advice.
 
To be honest, sometimes I may feel a little “envious” of my peers who have a really great relationship with their parents or have parents who get along with each other very well. What I am trying to say here is that I would wish my parents would get along with each other just like their parents would.
 
you go to the wrong place to advise.
Here the majority of people are from North America and of couse would disagree with your parents national tradition of arrange marriage.

What do you want to do?

You have two options: marry this man and perhaps regret it

or go against your parents and refuse. this is your absolute right, arranged marriages are not traditional in the US and forced marriage forbidden. This can have consequences on your family relations, but this is your freedom.
 
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Hail_Mary said:
What I am trying to say here is that I would wish my parents would get along with each other just like their parents would.
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That is a universal desire of all children. But this has nothing to do with immigrant vs non-immigrant or culture. This is a universal desire of children.

And, sadly, parents fall short of this all the time. Parents are human and there are many reasons. In my own family, I had a lot of examples of parents that didn’t get along. And my family is American back pre-Revolutionary war.

This is a universal condition called “humanity”.
 
Sometimes, I do think about adopting a child and maybe be a single parent when I became older and have a stable job. I also consider that as an option as well. There’s nothing wrong with being a single parent right?

I know it says in the Bible that the husband is the head of the household and the wife should be submissive to her husband. My mom would emphasize that often like she will say that the husband should work to be the breadwinner of the family while the wife stays at home cooking and watching over her kids. I am not sure if being a single parent will go against what my mom emphasized.
 
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