Is my girlfriend's desire to convert genuine?

[Anglegrinder]

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for several months now, she’s RLDS and I am Catholic.
I decided a while ago (only after a handful of failed relationships with non-Catholic girls) that the woman I marry must be Catholic.
When we started dating, I told her of my stance and she insisted that she could convert to Catholicism. Over the months, I’ve suspected that she’s more interested in an inter-faith relationship than in converting.
I finally confronted her on the issue, I told her that we couldn’t continue because I can’t see myself in a relationship where I can’t fully share my beliefs.
She is all the more insistent of her desire to convert now, but I don’t know if it’s for the right reasons. I feel like she’s saying whatever she needs to to convince me to stay in the relationship. I tell her that she can’t convert just because of me, because that’s the wrong reason, but she becomes defensive, says that I have to trust her.

I believe that she is so lovestruck, and so scared of losing the relationship that she’s willing to say anything just to keep it together. That’s why, whether her desire is genuine or not, I have a hard time believing her. I want her to take some time away from me to decide if she really wants to become Catholic, without my influence. I want to help her learn about the Church as a friend, but I don’t think she’s really free to decide if converting means keeping me, and not converting means losing me.
She insists that she’s not lovestruck, that she feels drawn to the Church, and she wants me to be with her to help her learn, that she’ll need my help.

Does she need some distance from me to think this through?
Or is my coldness ruining a potential conversion?

 

[mlldrl]

Wow man that is pretty heavy.

As a Catholic brother I’m concerned for both of you. If she’s converting just to make you happy it may not stick and in the end will bring lots of pain to both of you. You set the bar pretty high by laying that on her from the start so it might be difficult for you to discern if she is truly interested in the Church or not. Does she want to go to Mass with you, pray with you, and adore Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament with you? Does she seek out ways to learn about the faith without your prodding?

My advice to you is to pull in the reigns a bit. Slow down…way down. Maybe take a month away from each other. No seeing each other, no phone calls, no text messages…nothing. During that time pray for guidance and discern your future together. That will give you both time to think about what God is calling you to do. You may even consider a longer period of time. Figure the first two weeks you will both be hurting for each other’s company so badly that your emotions may cloud your judgment. If it’s true love it will be even stronger after your time apart.

I’m a cradle Catholic and my wife converted. I never once asked her to convert but she had an interest in the Church from the first moment she learned that I am Catholic. She was drawn, loved in to the Church. In fact, I didn’t have my act together back then and she’d drag me to Mass! Contrast that with a family member whose husband converted just for her. I won’t go in to details but it is not good.

Yes Christ wants everyone to come to His true church. But love requires free will and to be Catholic with every fiber of your being is to love Christ’s body…the Church.

God Bless,
M

 

[jrabs]

She insists that she’s not lovestruck, that she feels drawn to the Church, and she wants me to be with her to help her learn, that she’ll need my help.

Does she need some distance from me to think this through?
Or is my coldness ruining a potential conversion?

Well, encourage her and see where your relationship goes after RCIA. No one says you must schedule a wedding immediately so give it time to see if this is God’s will.

 

[1ke]

I think you should stop dating her. This relationship is way too new to be investing this sort of emotion into it.

I’m sure she’s a nice girl. But, RLDS is very different from Catholicism. She is far away. She can say whatever she thinks you want to hear.

Honestly, I think someone who is that ready to ditch their faith for a boyfriend they barely know is just screaming “I am an unstable person who does not know what they want. I am insecure.”

Move on, and find a practicing Catholic. You will not ever have to doubt if you do that.

 

[Hatter]

I think you are being a little impatient. But then again, I don’t really know what you mean by “dating”. If you are kissing and so on, then perhaps you should slow down a little. Dating is getting to know eachother, it is sort of like a friendship relationship. If you like this girl maybe you should work a little harder on the relationship? Tell her that you want to slow down, that you want to date a little more like friends, but that you are NOT planning on seeing anyone else and that you are willing to WAIT for her. A very good idea is to read the bible together or pray together. You can do the daily prayers together perhaps? If she lives far from you well then you can set up a time for the daily prayers and do them at the same time but in different places. Prayer is the best tool.

What is RLDS by the way? I live in Sweden where less than 1% go to church regularly, so for me dating is impossible. I would be happy to just find someone who believed in God!

 

[THutch04]

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for several months now, she’s RLDS and I am Catholic.
I decided a while ago (only after a handful of failed relationships with non-Catholic girls) that the woman I marry must be Catholic.
When we started dating, I told her of my stance and she insisted that she could convert to Catholicism. Over the months, I’ve suspected that she’s more interested in an inter-faith relationship than in converting.
I finally confronted her on the issue, I told her that we couldn’t continue because I can’t see myself in a relationship where I can’t fully share my beliefs.
She is all the more insistent of her desire to convert now, but I don’t know if it’s for the right reasons. I feel like she’s saying whatever she needs to to convince me to stay in the relationship. I tell her that she can’t convert just because of me, because that’s the wrong reason, but she becomes defensive, says that I have to trust her.

I believe that she is so lovestruck, and so scared of losing the relationship that she’s willing to say anything just to keep it together. That’s why, whether her desire is genuine or not, I have a hard time believing her. I want her to take some time away from me to decide if she really wants to become Catholic, without my influence. I want to help her learn about the Church as a friend, but I don’t think she’s really free to decide if converting means keeping me, and not converting means losing me.
She insists that she’s not lovestruck, that she feels drawn to the Church, and she wants me to be with her to help her learn, that she’ll need my help.

Does she need some distance from me to think this through?
Or is my coldness ruining a potential conversion?

Just a question: If I’m reading this correctly, it seems like you decided you could only be with a faithful Catholic BEFORE you began dating her. So why did you begin dating her in the first place? My personal opinion is that if you’re going to have an inter-faith relationship it has to be under the assumption that the non-Catholic will NOT convert.

I don’t know the details of your situation, so I can’t say if you’re possibly ruining a conversion, but I know that if I were in the girl’s position and someone who had insisted they could only be with another Catholic questioned my motivations for converting, I would be very put off by it (although I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing). I think it would be wise for the two of you to take a step back from the relationship and evaluate what it is the two of you want, and if you find that in each other.

 

[cargopilot]

I believe you’ve made a wise decision to only marry a Catholic girl. Stick to it.

I don’t see any huge problem. She says she wants to convert and you question her motives. All understandable. But look at it this way. She’s decided that you’re the one. Your Catholic faith is likely one of those things that draws her to you. It’s a big part of what makes you, you. Besides, it’s not like she can convert tomorrow, or anything. Her discernment of the Catholic Church and your discernment of each other, needs some time and there’s almost a year to play with. So rather than directly question her, give it some time, observe, nurture and evaluate over the next little while. Both of you use the time wisely, carefully, prayerfully deciding if her conversion and your marriage is the right thing to do.

I’m going to side with her for a bit. Well over 20 years ago, I was in her shoes, sort of. I was a wild, party-animal, with a low level of ‘designer’ faith in God. I had decided to remain single and lead the hard-charging, girl-chasing life of a hot-shot pilot. I saw myself as God’s gift to women everywhere, and really didn’t care about anyone but myself. I knew nothing of the Catholic faith. Then I met my wife, who changed everything. As soon as we met, I wanted to be with her and be ‘like’ her. I somehow knew that her Catholicism was a huge part of what made her, her. She never insisted that I convert, but I felt compelled to look into this Catholic thing, so I did.

I attended RCIA, went to mass, read, prayed…all that stuff. After a while, I realized that I had crossed the point of negative returns…I could never turn back. Without her, I’d have never become Catholic. I literally owe my eternal life to her.

So, while I can’t say exactly what your girlfriend’s true feelings are, I can assure you that it’s entirely possible that she may be experiencing what I experienced those many years ago.

 

[deb1]

I’m not seeing it in your post, but is the young lady all ready in RCIA? Have either of you spoken to a priest yet? I think that would be a first step before you go any further in the relationship.

 

[leonie]

I think you should stop dating her. This relationship is way too new to be investing this sort of emotion into it.

I’m sure she’s a nice girl. But, RLDS is very different from Catholicism. She is far away. She can say whatever she thinks you want to hear.

Honestly, I think someone who is that ready to ditch their faith for a boyfriend they barely know is just screaming “I am an unstable person who does not know what they want. I am insecure.”

Move on, and find a practicing Catholic. You will not ever have to doubt if you do that.

I agree.

 

[Anglegrinder]

Thank you, everyone, for your help and encouragement.

I’ll answer your questions first:

What is RLDS by the way?

RLDS stands for The Re-organized Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. She tells me they recently changed the name to Community of Christ to cut the length of the name down. It’s the largest offshoot of Mormonism, as far as I know.

Just a question: If I’m reading this correctly, it seems like you decided you could only be with a faithful Catholic BEFORE you began dating her. So why did you begin dating her in the first place?

That’s a clever observation, and a good question. You’re right, I did decide before, to stop dating non-Catholic girls and start taking this dating thing seriously. When this all started, when we were just finding out how we both felt the same way about each other, I told her my stance on religion, and she said “Oh, I can convert” which made me say to myself, at the time, “Well hey! Good enough for me!” Which I’ve only recently figured out, wasn’t right, to start a relationship under the premise that one person has to make huge changes in their life to continue the relationship. I was lovestruck, and I made a mistake.

I’m not seeing it in your post, but is the young lady all ready in RCIA? Have either of you spoken to a priest yet?

Our relationship was pretty new, only a few months old, and her desire to convert even newer. I’ve mentioned RCIA to her a few times, but she’s seems to be waiting until the right time, given that she’s surrounded by family, friends, and extended family that’s almost exclusively RLDS.

I wanted to update all of you on what happened.
My girlfriend continued to insist her genuine desire to convert. I told her that, whether her desire is genuine or not, neither situation is, in my judgment, good for a healthy relationship. I made a judgment call, I felt that even if I were to give her the benefit of the doubt, consider her desire genuine, I still couldn’t be with her, because I couldn’t put any pressure to convert on her. My desire to marry a Catholic is rock solid, and the relationship would continue under the premise that she MUST become Catholic, or lose the relationship. I considered it so important that she be free to decide for herself, that I chose not to continue the relationship.

She’s accepted that we can’t be together, but we’re still good friends. But (and this I really didn’t see coming) she still wants to covert to Catholicism. She has new questions for me every other night about the Church, the Pope, the saints. This has only been a week now, I haven’t laid my skepticism completely to rest, but she sounds like she has the right motives, the right reasons.

I really don’t know what else to add, time will tell where this goes. Please pray for us, that I can give her the right answers, and that she can find the right people to ask.