Looking for advice (maybe just sympathy)

[leonie]

Hi guys, my dh and I are in disagreement about a couple of big issues in our lives.

#1 I want another baby–baby #7. He doesn’t (ever, he says)

This is mostly my fault, I think, because life is too chaotic. I’m not such a great housekeeper. And, I’m not naturally orderly. I think he is feeling the lack of order. Plus, he gets a lot of flack from his mother (to whom we live adjacent) and from the guys at work and from guys he runs around with in his archery league. And, I’m not a very nice pregnant lady . I just get so tired.

#2 I want a new house. Our current house is rather run down and a little small for our family. His objection is that we can’t afford a bigger house unless we move to a subdivision. And, as a former farmboy, he would be miserable in a tightly ordered neighborhood. The other option is to add-on. This would be fine with me, but he puts me off, saying we can’t afford that either. I would be happier if we could at least do some remodelling or finish the “dungeon” basement, but he doesn’t want to do that either. Basically, he wants to come home from work and relax and not mess with the house.

If* anyone remembers my dryer thread, you might have an idea of how resistent my dh is to doing handiwork in the house. :rolleyes*:

I’m not sure if I’m looking for sympathy or advice. But, I’m becoming resentful about both desires being unfulfilled. And, I feel like what I want doesn’t matter.

How do you handle these types of major life choices when you and your spouse are in conflict?

 

[kevinsgirl]

Well, I’m not married yet, so this is from an engaged girl’s perspective…

But I am remodeling a house with my df, and as I recall, the best way to get him to work hard at a particular project is to:

#1 Make a good dinner…followed by a good dessert.

#2 Dress up and look pretty as I kiss him hello.

#3 Don’t ask for anything until he’s fed.

#4 Only ask for one thing at a time…and in the sweetest way I can.

It works pretty well…

 

[hasikelee]

Hi,
I can offer some sympathy; I don’t have any babies and I’m not married but I do want to have babies and would be crushed if my fiancee/future hubby refused!

That being said, have you had a heart to heart talk with him about how important and strong this desire is for you?

Once you get that off your chest and he listens, maybe you guys could get creative. Negotiating can be a fun and helpful art in marriage. Why not work up some interesting suggestions when you are both in a good mood and have some spare time? See if he would agree to put the baby #7 issue on the backburner for a year or two, and maybe you would agree to try out a household schedule, or start putting a little bit of money towards an extension.

Have you checked out www.marriagebuilders.com? There is a book called His Needs, Her Needs that could help you two voice your needs to eachother without inciting arguments or bad feelings. By your post, it sounds like he needs domestic support. And you obviously need family commitment. Just being aware of these things in black and white on paper can help a guy get an idea of how much this means to you.

 

[StephanieC]

Some thoughts, some questions…please don’t get offended! You are so candid in your post–I hope I can be as candid with you about my first impressions!

–Could your desire for another baby also be a desire for a “honeymoon from housework” ticket? I.e., we cut women (& ourselves) a lot more slack when they’re pregnant & post-partum…who’s going to argue about housework? We’ve just brought forth new life!! I only ask this because I remember some of your other posts, and because you bring up the housekeeping issue.

–You say you feel like what you want doesn’t matter. What about what your husband wants? Sounds like he wants less chaos, a neater & more orderly house & a non-tired, nice wife. Which you said you’re not when you’re pregnant.

I guess I just see his wants and concerns as equally valid as yours.

 

[apricot_yogurt]

Get thee in front of the blessed sacrament.
Adoration is a powerful tool of discernment.
I went to adoration with a “list” of what I wanted, and came out humbled, and the “list” irrelevant.

 

[leonie]

Some thoughts, some questions…please don’t get offended! You are so candid in your post–I hope I can be as candid with you about my first impressions!

–Could your desire for another baby also be a desire for a “honeymoon from housework” ticket? I.e., we cut women (& ourselves) a lot more slack when they’re pregnant & post-partum…who’s going to argue about housework? We’ve just brought forth new life!! I only ask this because I remember some of your other posts, and because you bring up the housekeeping issue.

No, actually, my workload doesn’t decrease with a baby or pregnancy. It just gets harder. I would say the selfishness that would be inherent is that I feel like since there is so much work in my life, I’d like to have some of the joy that comes with the new baby.

–You say you feel like what you want doesn’t matter. What about what your husband wants? Sounds like he wants less chaos, a neater & more orderly house & a non-tired, nice wife. Which you said you’re not when you’re pregnant.

I guess I just see his wants and concerns as equally valid as yours.

Yes, I know. I never said his concerns aren’t valid. I guess I made myself sound like a horrible mother and wife. Actually, I’d say I’m adequate. I’m not orderly, but dh is a real slob. And, he works quite a bit, so even when he gets in a helping mood, it’s pretty infrequent.

 

[leonie]

Get thee in front of the blessed sacrament.
Adoration is a powerful tool of discernment.
I went to adoration with a “list” of what I wanted, and came out humbled, and the “list” irrelevant.

It all comes down to prayer, doesn’t it?

 

[leonie]

Hi,
I can offer some sympathy; I don’t have any babies and I’m not married but I do want to have babies and would be crushed if my fiancee/future hubby refused!

That being said, have you had a heart to heart talk with him about how important and strong this desire is for you?

Once you get that off your chest and he listens, maybe you guys could get creative. Negotiating can be a fun and helpful art in marriage. Why not work up some interesting suggestions when you are both in a good mood and have some spare time? See if he would agree to put the baby #7 issue on the backburner for a year or two, and maybe you would agree to try out a household schedule, or start putting a little bit of money towards an extension.

Have you checked out www.marriagebuilders.com? There is a book called His Needs, Her Needs that could help you two voice your needs to eachother without inciting arguments or bad feelings. By your post, it sounds like he needs domestic support. And you obviously need family commitment. Just being aware of these things in black and white on paper can help a guy get an idea of how much this means to you.

Er, I have no doubt he knows exactly what I want.

 

[leonie]

Well, I’m not married yet, so this is from an engaged girl’s perspective…

But I am remodeling a house with my df, and as I recall, the best way to get him to work hard at a particular project is to:

#1 Make a good dinner…followed by a good dessert.

#2 Dress up and look pretty as I kiss him hello.

#3 Don’t ask for anything until he’s fed.

#4 Only ask for one thing at a time…and in the sweetest way I can.

It works pretty well…

That’s sweet, Kevin’s girl. I have to say though: after fifteen years of marriage, I am resigned to the fact that he will not work on any house projects at my request no matter how prettily I ask. It’s just one area that he refuses to do unless he gets a notion on his own to do something.

I think this is one really difficult area for a SAHM. With my workload–homeschooling 4 kids, taking care of 2 preschoolers, I don’t have time to learn how to do this stuff on my own. And, I know he’s exhausted when he comes home from work.

That’s why it’s frustrating for me that he won’t consider moving.

 

[Karianne]

Hi guys, my dh and I are in disagreement about a couple of big issues in our lives.

#1 I want another baby–baby #7. He doesn’t (ever, he says)

This is mostly my fault, I think, because life is too chaotic. I’m not such a great housekeeper. And, I’m not naturally orderly. I think he is feeling the lack of order. Plus, he gets a lot of flack from his mother (to whom we live adjacent) and from the guys at work and from guys he runs around with in his archery league. And, I’m not a very nice pregnant lady . I just get so tired.

#2 I want a new house. Our current house is rather run down and a little small for our family. His objection is that we can’t afford a bigger house unless we move to a subdivision. And, as a former farmboy, he would be miserable in a tightly ordered neighborhood. The other option is to add-on. This would be fine with me, but he puts me off, saying we can’t afford that either. I would be happier if we could at least do some remodelling or finish the “dungeon” basement, but he doesn’t want to do that either. Basically, he wants to come home from work and relax and not mess with the house.

If* anyone remembers my dryer thread, you might have an idea of how resistent my dh is to doing handiwork in the house. :rolleyes*:

I’m not sure if I’m looking for sympathy or advice. But, I’m becoming resentful about both desires being unfulfilled. And, I feel like what I want doesn’t matter.

How do you handle these types of major life choices when you and your spouse are in conflict?

My grandmother had seven kids, my mom was number 2, my aunt Rose was number 7. My mom died when I was 10. If we didn’t have Aunt Rose we wouldn’t have had a Mom-type influence in our lives. Not that this might persuade your husband but it worked for us.
About the remodeling, maybe your husband is just tired, if you start the remodeling with a private den for him maybe he can be persuaded.
About the housework, unless the Dept of Sanitation is on your case don’t worry about it! When the kids are grown your house will stay clean and orderly, but who wants to live that way?! How boring!

 

[leonie]

As far as the orderliness situation, I can’t see it improving very much because I’m maxed out right now. However, I’m not giving up. It’s my #1 resolution every year.

Also, to be honest, I have a tendency to take “the blame” for all the problems in our lives. In a way, I think it is my struggle with pride. If the problem is my fault, then I can fix it.

My dh has a lot of wonderful qualities–he’s a loving husband–affectionate, funny, and romantic. He’s very intelligent and has a high moral code. He is a good dad and a hard worker. But, on the weak side, he’s not Catholic. He’s somewhat of a slob.

He pulls this passive aggressive stuff all the time in which he agrees with about whatever I want when he has no intention of ever doing it. He agreed last summer that we could add on this coming summer. I guess it was far enough away. But, when I bring it up now, he says no way. This is a common pattern in our marriage.

Maybe the frustration and resentment I am feeling is that I have no control or say in two big areas of my life.

It may be good for me to learn to mortify myself in my desires. Boy, that’s hard.

I guess there’s nothing that anyone can say to help.

How about a prayer?

 

[newf]

I’m having a hard time understanding WHY you want another baby…you said you are ‘not a very nice pregnant lady’ because you are so tired. And you don’t have enough room. And it’s not like you don’t have your hands full already with 6 children…I don’t get it.

I’m wondering if you want to have another child so you don’t have to think about how you need or want a bigger house that your husband won’t get you.

I suggest you get involved with your husband in your finances. Look carefully at what you can and cannot afford. Try and understand what he is concerned about. If he is feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities he has, I think you need to honor that. Who knows, you may have some good ideas of your own on how to better manage your home…physically and financially.

And I think you should make an effort to be content with the children you already have. Enjoy them.

 

[leonie]

I’m having a hard time understanding WHY you want another baby…you said you are ‘not a very nice pregnant lady’ because you are so tired. And you don’t have enough room. And it’s not like you don’t have your hands full already with 6 children…I don’t get it.

I’m wondering if you want to have another child so you don’t have to think about how you need or want a bigger house that your husband won’t get you.

I suggest you get involved with your husband in your finances. Look carefully at what you can and cannot afford. Try and understand what he is concerned about. If he is feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities he has, I think you need to honor that. Who knows, you may have some good ideas of your own on how to better manage your home…physically and financially.

And I think you should make an effort to be content with the children you already have. Enjoy them.

Very good advice.

But, it’s okay to want a baby, isn’t it? Isn’t that natural? Isn’t that a Godly desire that He gives us? Isn’t the suffering that comes with each child redeeming?

You are very perceptive, though. And, logical.

Actually, my dh says that he would be willing for me to take over bill paying. I handed it over to him when I had my third baby. It would be a good step to getting where I want to be financially. However, I’ve been putting it off because I am hesitant to add to my workload and stress level.

But, having control over the budget might actually relieve my stress level. I need to pray about it.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Actually, my dh says that he would be willing for me to take over bill paying. I handed it over to him when I had my third baby. It would be a good step to getting where I want to be financially. However, I’ve been putting it off because I am hesitant to add to my workload and stress level.

But, having control over the budget might actually relieve my stress level. I need to pray about it.

I think this is a good point. Your husband’s concerns are valid… he does know where the family stands financially and just because you have “wants” (new or bigger house) doesn’t mean they are financially feasible. These are real concerns.

Also, you mentioned your hesitant to take on the finances because you don’t want to add to your workload and stress level… but wouldn’t another child do just that?

I think there are a lot of things to pray about together as a couple. I would be careful to not get caught up in the “I wants” of life without looking at all requirements that go into achieving those wants (like finances and stress levels)…

God bless…

 

[1ke]

The baby certainly has to be a mutual agreement, and the most you can ask of him is to pray about it and not close off children forever, but just “for now”. You should continue to revisit it every few months, but if he still doesn’t feel ready then respect his place as head of the household.

In the meantime, you must take positive actions to impose order in your disorderly house, training your children to be orderly in the process. Six kids with no routine, order, or focus-- that must be total chaos. No wonder your DH is overwhelmed.

As to the house, I do suggest getting involved in the finances and setting up a budget that puts away money towards the renovation. On a practical level, I see you are in the Midwest. I suggest you start locating the Amish in your area who do construction work. We have a 100 year old farm house that we started renovating in May. We had all Amish work crews for the various tasks (except electrical, plumbing, and tiling). Their labor prices are half of a regular crew, the work hard the entire time they are here, and they also do not charge a mark up on any of the materials they purchase from the lumber yard. If you have Amish near you-- start talking to them and getting estimates of finishing the basement.

 

[kim3260]

Please you asked for honesty and here it goes, ignore it if you want.
It sounds like what You want and he wants. As far as a baby goes, be open to life, but pratice NFP until your husband is ready, why in the world would you want to force a 7th child on an unwilling husband? If you force this on him he might resent the child.
Also how do you greet him when he comes home? With a glass of sweet tea and a hug and kiss or thrust a baby in his arms and a list of complaints?
As far as a larger house, learn to do simple repairs yourself, you will be surprised at what you can do. I raised 5 children in a very small 3 bedroom farm house. You got to have a plan.
You can’t change him but you can change how you respond to him and your outlook.

 

[Karianne]

As far as the orderliness situation, I can’t see it improving very much because I’m maxed out right now. However, I’m not giving up. It’s my #1 resolution every year.

Also, to be honest, I have a tendency to take “the blame” for all the problems in our lives. In a way, I think it is my struggle with pride. If the problem is my fault, then I can fix it.

My dh has a lot of wonderful qualities–he’s a loving husband–affectionate, funny, and romantic. He’s very intelligent and has a high moral code. He is a good dad and a hard worker. But, on the weak side, he’s not Catholic. He’s somewhat of a slob.

He pulls this passive aggressive stuff all the time in which he agrees with about whatever I want when he has no intention of ever doing it. He agreed last summer that we could add on this coming summer. I guess it was far enough away. But, when I bring it up now, he says no way. This is a common pattern in our marriage.

Maybe the frustration and resentment I am feeling is that I have no control or say in two big areas of my life.

It may be good for me to learn to mortify myself in my desires. Boy, that’s hard.

I guess there’s nothing that anyone can say to help.

How about a prayer?

Of course, I’ll pray for you, but I still think that you deserve more room.

 

[Karianne]

Very good advice.

But, it’s okay to want a baby, isn’t it? Isn’t that natural? Isn’t that a Godly desire that He gives us? Isn’t the suffering that comes with each child redeeming?

You are very perceptive, though. And, logical.

Actually, my dh says that he would be willing for me to take over bill paying. I handed it over to him when I had my third baby. It would be a good step to getting where I want to be financially. However, I’ve been putting it off because I am hesitant to add to my workload and stress level.

But, having control over the budget might actually relieve my stress level. I need to pray about it.

The best thing in the world would be for you to take over the finances, once you know where you stand financially you’ll be able to figure out how to get your house.
I know I haven’t said too much about the seventh child but I figure that sooner or later she’s going to come anyway and that your husband will get used to her.
I don’t know why I think that it’s going to be a little girl.

 

[leonie]

The baby certainly has to be a mutual agreement, and the most you can ask of him is to pray about it and not close off children forever, but just “for now”. You should continue to revisit it every few months, but if he still doesn’t feel ready then respect his place as head of the household.

In the meantime, you must take positive actions to impose order in your disorderly house, training your children to be orderly in the process. Six kids with no routine, order, or focus-- that must be total chaos. No wonder your DH is overwhelmed.

As to the house, I do suggest getting involved in the finances and setting up a budget that puts away money towards the renovation. On a practical level, I see you are in the Midwest. I suggest you start locating the Amish in your area who do construction work. We have a 100 year old farm house that we started renovating in May. We had all Amish work crews for the various tasks (except electrical, plumbing, and tiling). Their labor prices are half of a regular crew, the work hard the entire time they are here, and they also do not charge a mark up on any of the materials they purchase from the lumber yard. If you have Amish near you-- start talking to them and getting estimates of finishing the basement.

Well, it’s not that crazy! Maybe I overemphasize the chaotic part.

There’s no Amish around here, but a couple of hundred miles to the north, there is a big population.

 

[leonie]

Also, you mentioned your hesitant to take on the finances because you don’t want to add to your workload and stress level… but wouldn’t another child do just that?

God bless…

The difference is I’m a very good mother and I’m a pretty poor accountant.