Love and affection in dating

[thereseflower]

When two Catholics are dating with the serious intent of discerning marriage, how much should they indulge in (purely chaste) expressions of love? (For example: flowers, affection, using words like sweetheart.)

It would seem that the week or month before the engagement you’d expect to feel and act completely smitten. What is prudent in the year or so before the ring, when it’s not clear if there should be a ring, is what confuses me. There are plenty of things to talk about and hopefully agree upon while discerning, but feelings of love seem to have their own, much faster, timetable.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

It is interesting that Kimberly Hahn suggests** not ** praying together because it is so intimate. She suggests it might lead to feelings that you are not ready for.

 

[shannin]

JMJ Theresa:

It is interesting that Kimberly Hahn suggests** not **praying together because it is so intimate. She suggests it might lead to feelings that you are not ready for.

Not praying together? Really? I don’t understand

 

[Benedictus]

JMJ Theresa:

It is interesting that Kimberly Hahn suggests** not ** praying together because it is so intimate. She suggests it might lead to feelings that you are not ready for.

That seems… strange. Is she talking about something simple like saying a short, formulaic prayer before a meal or something else entirely?

 

[Convert97]

Chaste expressions of love are never out of place. Buying a gift for someone, doing something nice for someone, letting that person know you are thinking of them (in a chaste manner) is an act of charity because all those things will provide a lift to the receiver. Learning how to give and to receive before marriage, when you give everything, is a good idea.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

Benedictus:

That seems… strange. Is she talking about something simple like saying a short, formulaic prayer before a meal or something else entirely?

I believe she was talking about shared prayer–spontaneous heartfelt prayers. Since I didn’t experience praying with my husband before we wed, I have to take her word for it.

 

[Benedictus]

JMJ Theresa:

I believe she was talking about shared prayer–spontaneous heartfelt prayers.

Ah, well, that makes more sense, but I’ve never been into that sort of thing anyways.

 

[thereseflower]

JMJ Theresa:

It is interesting that Kimberly Hahn suggests** not ** praying together because it is so intimate. She suggests it might lead to feelings that you are not ready for.

So when should one become open to those feelings? If you expect to feel a certain way at the time of engagment, then it follows that there is a time before that where you must cultivate feelings of love.

 

[ack]

JMJ Theresa:

It is interesting that Kimberly Hahn suggests** not **praying together because it is so intimate. She suggests it might lead to feelings that you are not ready for.

I would agree with this… once, a female friend and I started praying the Rosary nightly, and I developed a strong attraction for her a short time later. It was a bad situation because us dating was impossible for other reasons. The strong intimate feelings that praying generated were a real issue, and excessive intimacy without the presence of a marriage commitment could definitely cloud the judgment of young couples.

 

[I_A]

Prayer hightens your senses, gets you into an emotional state, and forms bonds with the people you are praying with. It is very easy to get things confused as a hormonal 20something.

 

[RockAndHoops]

There’s a good line repeated in the Song of Songs: “Do not stir up love before it’s time.” (maybe I don’t have the quote EXACTLY right, but that’s nearly it).

If there’s no ring, then don’t overdo things. The girl I dated for 18 months and I were very romantic with all the stuff you talk about, but that didn’t translate at all into a real relationship…in fact, it made things harder when problems came up because we felt so attracted by the manifestations and “signs” of our “love” that we didn’t stop to think that those things don’t guarantee a good relationship.

As for prayer, watch out for the real deep types that others talk about. It is tempting to start sharing your hopes/dreams/fears/etc. with someone when you are praying, but unless you have that solid commitment (marriage) then it can be dangerous.

However, prayer is a good thing to do together, just be mindful of how you do it! Grace at meals, a rosary, etc., are usually fine, but just make sure your prayer time is focused on your relationship with God rather than your significant other.

God bless,
RockAndHoops