Loving toxic parents

[Notwavingbutdrowning]

I’m a 40 something yr old mom of 4, I’m an only child and my parents are still alive. My mom has several of the traits of narcissistic personality disorder, and has emotionally abused me her whole life, to the point that I have no self confidence and as they live nearby, she still exerts a negative influence over me. I forgive her, but I still find myself dreading every encounter and family occasions.
My father has also behaved very badly towards me, I can’t go into it here because it would hurt too much. The worst part is that they view themselves as good Catholics, involved in practically every ministry in their parish, and obsessed with knowing the socially important people in the community. But behind closed doors they’re always arguing, putting me down, and being vulgar. I’ve asked them to stop in as charitable a way as I can, explained they’re not setting a good example for my children, but if anything they’re getting worse. I pray and offer sacrifices for the suffering they put me through, but it’s so hard. I think it would be wrong to cut them out completely from my life.
I also get envious when I see my Catholic friends on social media talking about their wonderful parents and how they were raised in the faith, and where would they be without them, etc. I left my faith because of them, but reconverted years after leaving home when God rescued me from a self destructive path.
Any advice or anyone that can relate would be much appreciated.

 

[DarkLight]

Oh good heavens you should look through my topics history here! My parents were protestant, but my mother is very similar. Very loving in public, but very manipulative. She’s the kind of person who sees herself as the perpetual victim - where she’s allowed to be mean and nasty to people but any reaction or any boundaries on her are unjustified acts of aggression (which in turn justify more nasty behavior to “protect” herself).

It’s hard. It’s hard to relate to God, often, because so much of what we learn about love is from our parents. I try to say a prayer when I see others talking about their parents, thanking God that they had loving families. But it can feel very isolating to feel that no one understands.

You don’t have to cut them out of your life necessarily. But you can put some pretty sharp limits on. Since you live close, maybe visit on days that you have something to do later that evening - that way you drop in, say hi, and when things get tough oops sorry have to go, don’t want to be late! I would recommend limiting your children’s exposure to them especially. Children should not watch their parents be abused, emotionally or otherwise. I think I’ve got mine down to seeing them every 6 weeks or so and answering the occasional text.

 

[1ke]

I think it would be wrong to cut them out completely from my life.

I don’t.

If they are destructive, then they should not have access to you or your children.

Any advice or anyone that can relate would be much appreciated.

Set boundaries, and if that has to be no contact-- so be it. Also consider moving and putting physical distance between you as well.

 

[angel12]

But behind closed doors they’re always arguing, putting me down, and being vulgar. I’ve asked them to stop in as charitable a way as I can, explained they’re not setting a good example for my children, but if anything they’re getting worse.

Then it’s time to limit the contact you and your children have with them. Love doesn’t mean “let them abuse me.”

 

[Convert3]

Do you pray with your children? Perhaps praying with them and including your parents in your prayers will show your children that you love your parents, but are not happy with their behavior. Just a thought.

 

[Katherine438]

I would think that cutting ties with your parents to protect your children would be the most important thing you could do … just my opinion.

 

[Notwavingbutdrowning]

Thanks so much for the thought put in your replies. You don’t realise how much your words have helped. I really felt the need to vent after the millionth incident today.
Moving away isn’t possible, and I do feel after years of prayer that God is using the situation to bring me closer to Him, mainly because it causes me so much suffering.
Up to now I’ve managed to protect my children from the worst of their behaviour and put anything they have heard in the light of them being elderly and their minds “not working properly”… When they’re older, I’ll explain more.
Once in prayer, I was crying out to God from the depths of despair over something incredibly hurtful my mom had said, and asking God how did He expect me to be a functioning adult at all with my upbringing… And in my prayer, I didn’t hear a voice or have a vision or anything like that, but this beautiful sentence came into my head: “You have the perfect father and mother in Heaven”. And it really helped me.
But Lord, I find it hard not to envy those who have great relationships with their parents, or who could use their parent’s lives as a model to emulate. I’ve never known what that was like and it makes me so sad.

 

[Notwavingbutdrowning]

I’m reading through one of your old posts now Darklight, I hope you don’t mind re: Mother’s Day Mass… I could have written that.

 

[DarkLight]

Nah, I think I may be the forum poster child for toxic parents. It’s been a long journey, and a lot of people have had wise words here as far as encouraging me that it’s ok to call it for what it is and do what you need to to protect yourself. (I’m single/no kids, so that part hasn’t come up.) It’s been quite a journey coming to the conclusion that my mother just…doesn’t seem to care about treating me like a human being. And that’s sad, but unfortunately we can’t change it.