J
jules11
Guest
I have realised now that after fighting for three years for my marriage that I need to give up. I have posted at various times about the troubles my husband and I have had and now those troubles seem insurmountable. There seems to be no hope. I am struggling now with an overwhelming sense of grief, failure and hopelessness. Which is unlike me, as no matter how bad things seemed, I always had hope that they would work out or I hoped for a miracle. This is my second marriage, which makes me feel even worse about the situation. (please, please, nobody say I should look into why I am attracted to the same kind of men, etc etc.) I know why this happened. But no matter what you know and what warning signs there might be, they don’t always mean that the marriage is doomed.
I just have such a need to understand what happened.
We were separated, were living apart, separate houses, but trying to work things out. We have a 15mo son and I have 4 others to marriage #1. He has a 12yo son too.
About a week ago, we made plans to watch a movie together at his place. Because of circumstances, we swapped it to the next night and instead his nephew came over and they played a computer game all night. The next day when I went over there to get something, he sheepishly told me that he hadn’t been to bed at all.
I was upset as we were going to go out that day and our plans had been messed up but I got over it and apologised. He is a teacher and had been working very hard and I realised he needed the break as he was on holidays. He appreciated my understanding and sent me a few text messages through the day saying he loved me etc. that night, he still hadn’t been to bed, I got a message at 10.30 pm. Well, 48 hours with no sleep makes him unbearable, I said it was silly of him. I rang him, not very happy as he cancelled our night that night yet was still up with his nephew again!
He got upset and hung up on me. Well, no big deal. Little tiff. I was over it but the next day once again we were supposed to go out and didn’t . his b/d is new years eve and I spent the next 2 days looking for a present for him.
Sent a message asking if he was going to talk to me. Nothing. sent another, ‘were we going to not see him for his b/d and start the new year fighting?’. Nothing.
Rang him on his mobile. No answer. Rang him on his home phone. No answer.
Then message, ‘stay angry at me and leave me alone’ and ‘I don’t want to talk to you’
Over what??? Nothing. I was a little upset that he cancelled our plans, then stayed up late when he’d had no sleep for 2 days!
Sent message ‘asking him to get over it, let it go, it was minor.’
Nothing.
New years eve. His birthday. Heard nothing.
New years eve spent alone.
Next day, abrupt messages from him that his son wanted to get something he’d left at my place. I said fine.
Got his stuff.
Wouldn’t talk to me for the next 2 days.
Jan 2. I got abusive messages. He threatened things, (not physical), said he hated me, called me a b***ch, told me to, ‘go to hell’
I asked what it was all about. No explanation. Nothing. Just more abuse. Called me a ‘liar’, said ‘he hoped I’d rot’.
I still had NO idea why he was so angry.
I begged and pleaded for him to tell me what it was all about. He wouldn’t. I begged him to calm down over and over. I told him that I loved him and that he was bigger than this.
I was a wreck. The nastiness and the venom that he wrote in the messages was unbelievable. He told me he ‘would spend every cent to take me down’.
I then said that if he was intent on destroying me that I would do whatever it took to protect myself and the children even if it meant moving interstate. I said that he was out of control and that if I took the messages to the police he would be in trouble and that I would put a restraining order on him if he kept threatening me.
The next day, I got, ‘alright then. I am sorry. This is out of control.’
I was past caring by then. I tried. I begged and pleaded for him to calm down and he got worse. Nothing I said that night helped.
Then he sent, ‘happy anniversary’ (of the day we met)
My reply was, ‘what a joke. I wish 6 years ago I was anywhere but on the beach that day.’ ( I met him through a friend at the beach)
I had had enough. A week of ignoring me, then the abuse, then, I’m sorry? All through text messages (that in itself says there’s something seriously wrong)
I was angry. I knew then I could not do this anymore. Normal people do not do things like this. Normal marriages do not resolve conflict this way.
I just have such a need to understand what happened.
We were separated, were living apart, separate houses, but trying to work things out. We have a 15mo son and I have 4 others to marriage #1. He has a 12yo son too.
About a week ago, we made plans to watch a movie together at his place. Because of circumstances, we swapped it to the next night and instead his nephew came over and they played a computer game all night. The next day when I went over there to get something, he sheepishly told me that he hadn’t been to bed at all.
I was upset as we were going to go out that day and our plans had been messed up but I got over it and apologised. He is a teacher and had been working very hard and I realised he needed the break as he was on holidays. He appreciated my understanding and sent me a few text messages through the day saying he loved me etc. that night, he still hadn’t been to bed, I got a message at 10.30 pm. Well, 48 hours with no sleep makes him unbearable, I said it was silly of him. I rang him, not very happy as he cancelled our night that night yet was still up with his nephew again!
He got upset and hung up on me. Well, no big deal. Little tiff. I was over it but the next day once again we were supposed to go out and didn’t . his b/d is new years eve and I spent the next 2 days looking for a present for him.
Sent a message asking if he was going to talk to me. Nothing. sent another, ‘were we going to not see him for his b/d and start the new year fighting?’. Nothing.
Rang him on his mobile. No answer. Rang him on his home phone. No answer.
Then message, ‘stay angry at me and leave me alone’ and ‘I don’t want to talk to you’
Over what??? Nothing. I was a little upset that he cancelled our plans, then stayed up late when he’d had no sleep for 2 days!
Sent message ‘asking him to get over it, let it go, it was minor.’
Nothing.
New years eve. His birthday. Heard nothing.
New years eve spent alone.
Next day, abrupt messages from him that his son wanted to get something he’d left at my place. I said fine.
Got his stuff.
Wouldn’t talk to me for the next 2 days.
Jan 2. I got abusive messages. He threatened things, (not physical), said he hated me, called me a b***ch, told me to, ‘go to hell’
I asked what it was all about. No explanation. Nothing. Just more abuse. Called me a ‘liar’, said ‘he hoped I’d rot’.
I still had NO idea why he was so angry.
I begged and pleaded for him to tell me what it was all about. He wouldn’t. I begged him to calm down over and over. I told him that I loved him and that he was bigger than this.
I was a wreck. The nastiness and the venom that he wrote in the messages was unbelievable. He told me he ‘would spend every cent to take me down’.
I then said that if he was intent on destroying me that I would do whatever it took to protect myself and the children even if it meant moving interstate. I said that he was out of control and that if I took the messages to the police he would be in trouble and that I would put a restraining order on him if he kept threatening me.
The next day, I got, ‘alright then. I am sorry. This is out of control.’
I was past caring by then. I tried. I begged and pleaded for him to calm down and he got worse. Nothing I said that night helped.
Then he sent, ‘happy anniversary’ (of the day we met)
My reply was, ‘what a joke. I wish 6 years ago I was anywhere but on the beach that day.’ ( I met him through a friend at the beach)
I had had enough. A week of ignoring me, then the abuse, then, I’m sorry? All through text messages (that in itself says there’s something seriously wrong)
I was angry. I knew then I could not do this anymore. Normal people do not do things like this. Normal marriages do not resolve conflict this way.
do you think perhaps if you spoke with his doctor and explained what is going on with his moods etc. that the doctor could perhaps then speak to him?