Marriage help needed

  • Thread starter Thread starter MC_2019
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

MC_2019

Guest
I have read a few posts here and there on marriage issues hoping to find something help my own. Hopefully someone can assist.

My marriage, I fear, is almost done. My wife and I have been married for just shy of 20 years. We have two great kids. One who has had some health issues in the past. We both come from very loving and Catholic homes and try to instill that in ours as well.

A little over a month ago, my wife told me she wanted a separation. She said she was done. She was tired of pretending everything was okay. She said she needed someone that would be passionate about her or show affection towards her.

I will not lie I have not been a PDA type person, even going back to when we were first dating. I do love her and have done some things for her in the past. But I guess they weren’t enough.

Over the years she has expressed to me her displeasure and I offered to change. And I did for a while but would regress back to “normal” for a while until the next flare up.

Over the last few weeks, we have gone to see a marriage counselor several times. Unfortunately, I think I am the only one that it has any meaning. I only think she is going is to have a sounding board for things about me. She said it’s not fair to either of us for me to be someone I am not and potentially become spiteful at the other after forcing an unnatural change.

Our counselor has suggested Retrouvaille, but the next time it will be in our area is September. That is a long way off. She said she could consider it in a month or so but couldn’t say anything now. We still have a handful of sessions left with the counselor.

I have told her many times I am sorry for what I did and didn’t do and that I can’t change the past only work towards the future. I have tried to change but it doesn’t have any effect on our situation. She doesn’t think there is a future as she is past being angry with me and is done. When I mention that I will be different her response is until when? When will you revert back and we are back here? She said she can’t wait for that in addition to always being on standby for our son that had the health issues. That is not fair to her.

She doesn’t want to initiate any legal proceedings or paperwork at this time. But she wants me to stay with some family members for a while so that she can reassess/clear her head/etc. She can’t do that while I am still in the house. We have discussed arrangements for the kids so that they have time with both of us.

I am at a loss as to what to do. I still truly love her but she doesn’t have the same feeling. Neither of us wants to raise our children in a broken home but it doesn’t look promising.

Thanks
 
MC_2019 said:
Over the last few weeks, we have gone to see a marriage counselor several times. Unfortunately, I think I am the only one that it has any meaning. I only think she is going is to have a sounding board for things about me.
Click to expand...
I am sorry you are having problems in your marriage.

With all due respect, it sounds like you had plenty of notice that your wife was not happy with the situation. You also don’t sound like you made much effort to implement a lasting change, especially when you say you would regress to “normal”. “Normal” meaning the situation that your wife was frustrated with. You didn’t work to put a “new normal” in place that would better meet your wife’s needs.

Now you’re upset that she is saying things about you to the counsellor instead of immediately coming around to your way of thinking and welcoming you back so you can probably “regress to normal” again? And you’re saying that you’re the only one for whom this has any meaning?

Your wife has left a door open by saying she just wants you to move out for a while and not file for anything legal. Also she has said maybe in a month she can consider Retrouvaille. Why are you not taking advantage of this time you have to really work on your own issues, such as why you do not show affection to your wife and how you can do that better, instead of taking the position that you either get back together right now or the marriage is done?

If you want to keep your wife, you need to make some changes now and keep them up for good. Not just until this blows over so you can go back to being your “normal” and presumably unaffectionate self.
 
I have started to make changes and reevaluate the way I have been acting. I do want to better myself for the future.

A few days ago, I came up with an analogy for our marriage. I have been like a drug addict and never listened to my doctor who said it would kill me. The events of a month ago were my heartattack. I know the road ahead is hard and I need rehab. I admit I may relapse or fall but I am committed to not having another “heartattack”.
 
Yes, Retrouvaille in a month when she is ready, even if you have to travel elsewhere to make it happen.

You need to try and win her heart back. Not in superficial ways, but in your honesty. Write a letter to her every day. Tell her what you love about her, why you want it to work, what you are willing to do. Apologize and say what you should have been doing so she knows you get it. Talk about your future together. Every day until Retrouvaille.

Do you attend mass together?

Don’t give up yet. Be strong, and be faith filled. Go to daily mass if you are able. It is like an lifejacket when you are drowning.
 
Last edited:
Yes, we do attend Mass every week. Daily mass would be difficult due to all of our schedules.

Your idea of daily letters sounds good I am just worried that she would misread my intentions and do more damage than good.

There is a Retrouvaille session in the middle of the summer about an hour away versus the one in September that is local. I have emailed the contact for that session to get some information but I have not heard anything back as of yet. I want to sign up now but she is nowhere close to ready right now.
 
Most people who volunteer for/with the Church are slammed this week (Holy Week is our Superbowl). The Retrouvaille volunteers may also be volunteering elsewhere, so, give them until after the Holiday. I think sooner is worth an hour’s drive.
 
I actually meant you should go to daily mass. Alone. Time to think. Time to pray. Time to listen to what God may be telling you to do.
 
I have not read this book, but David Anders has written ‘How the Catholic Church Saved My Marriage.’
 
Go to the gym and workout, focus on good mental health, and most importantly work on your relationship with God and daily mental prayer. You are being led by the nose, you need to be led by Jesus. Prayers for you and your family.
 
There is a church near the office. They have a midday mass. I think they go back to normal on Monday.
 
Hi MC,
If you feel your headed for divorce but don’t want to, I can help.

I survived my failing marriage and we are much happier now than before. (A fringe benefit.)
It’s not easy and counter-intuitive to much of what you may know.
 
You talk about the problem stemming from possibly one issue? Is that correct or is one of many, such as habitually forgetting anniversaries, birthdays, important dates, chores, time to go’s that are important to her and maybe just outright neglect?

Did you have a respectful discovery (dating), period?
Was your marriage trapped or forced in any way?

Keep your answers as short as possible.
 
Hi Lady,
Discovery as to who really are vs, mear physical attraction. That is, do I really know you before sleeping with you.
 
Must be a language difference, I have never heard this term applied to dating.

When we date, we date to get to know the person. Yes, we are discovering things about the person before we discern marriage.
 
I don’t understand how a husband can be told to move out if they own a house together.

Praying for your marriage and love for each other.(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)

People can change through Christ Jesus.
 
We dated for 2 years in college before we got married. No, it was not trapped or forced. We had two years of married life before our first born came into our lives.

And, no, it wasn’t so much forgetting dates, chores, etc. It was me being stupid, self-centered and took her for granted and I did not show her the appreciation and affection I should have. At least that is what I have come to in my introspection and prayers the last week or so.
 
A person much older than me, in a very long marriage, gave me a piece of advice: “Pay attention to your spouse. If you do not do it, there is someone else who will.”

Once again Retrouvaille is important, before that you might check out The Institute for Marital Healing. I learned about them on Catholic Answers Live:

 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top