My daughter, family, and her surrogate pregnancy

[Poodledog]

I’ve posted here about this situation previously. Basically my daughter (m) is carrying twins as a surrogate for her homosexual friends. Ive tried to just put it in God’s hands and pray about it daily. What more can I do? I’ve managed to keep my 4 minor children away from this mess. I don’t know how to explain it especially to my 5 and 7 year old. They understand pregnant women have babies, having seen countless other relatives pregnant.

The issue at hand, my father is about to celebrate his 75th birthday. There’s been a huge party planned, relatives I haven’t seen in ages are coming in from other states. Initially I was very excited until I learned “M” is planning to attend. I’m honestly embarrassed for my family to learn of this situation, especially my elderly parents. My son and his family (wife and 2 children- 1 is an infant I haven’t gotten to meet yet) won’t be flying down since she’s coming. And I’m contemplating whether or not I can attend in good faith knowing my younger children will see her and have questions. I don’t know how to tell them they won’t have a new baby in the family. I don’t know if I should even explain this atrocity to them. It all goes against our beliefs. I just need advice on what to do with the whole mess. What do I say to my children? My family? Myparents?I’m thinking of asking her not to come but I’m sure she’ll ignore my wishes.

 

[Dlee]

Praying for you. I guess you have to go with your gut feeling - and decide which choice will do the least “damage” to your family. I take it your younger children do not have contact with their older sister M. Will they be seeing her in the future? How far along is she? Is it obvious that she is pregnant? Don’t let M’s actions cause you embarrassment.

 

[Beryllos]

Prayer is a good start. Look for ways to keep peace in the family while building faith and virtue in your young children. I’m praying for all.

 

[Anicette]

Not sure it is the correct answer to this difficult situation.

But if your daughter want to come even if it annoyed some family members and your parents are not knowing she is currently a surrogate mother, I think they have the right to learn it before the party. So, they can make a choice : either to think it is totally ok, and she come, or not, and she would not come (I hope she will respect their wishes).

Maybe start prudently to learn if they seem aware of this situation before annuncing it.

 

[TheLittleLady]

I am guessing that at age 75 your dad has seen more shocking things than surrogacy. He has forgiven his own family and friends when they have made mistakes.

Right now, I do not know how young your kids are, if they are too young to know about surrogacy they are likely not going to ask the questions that you are fretting about. If they are pre teens/teens, how you treat their sister will show them how you will treat them when they make a mistake.

What do I say to my children? My family? Myparents?I’m thinking of asking her not to come but I’m sure she’ll ignore my wishes.

“Mary has decided to act as a surrogate mother. (the adults will know what that is)”. No need to tell any details, if she wants to that is her own business.

For kids “Mary is expecting twins. She plans to let other people adopt the children.” Again, no need for gritty details. If they 7 year old asks why you respond “that is something that adult ladies do sometimes. Do you want another piece of cake?”

 

[Anicette]

With this second answer for kids, you confused the children with an adoption following a natural conception, and turn “Mary” as an hero for them. Not sure that it is the better approach.

 

[1ke]

I would probably go to the party for my father alone, leaving my children at home with my husband.

I would tell my father ahead of time what my daughter is doing, and that she is planning to be there, so he won’t be surprised or embarrassed by saying something about new grandchildren in the family.

I’m sure your daughter will tell her story on her own to others there if asked. So, I would keep my trap shut and would deflect any gossipy relatives with “you’ll have to ask ‘m’ about that.”

 

[Convert3]

It’s a difficult situation, but we are to treat everyone with love. I know, easier said than done. If your young ones see this and ask questions, this can be a major teaching moment for them. Teach them to love them, but explain why it was wrong. We are not to judge, but love and pray for them, including the gay couple and the babies. Teach them why we love them, and why we don’t gossip or say hurtful things.
Just my two cents and I’m not in your shoes. God Bless!

Edit to add: One of my cousins married a black man back when it wasn’t as acceptable. The family ( I was a child) hid it from my grandmother because “her generation wouldn’t understand.” She eventually found out and got angry…at the family from keeping a great grandchild from her!

 

[Allegra]

If this was a more distant family member, I would probably just tell the kids (if they asked) that she was pregnant and was planning on giving the baby up for adoption. However, since this is their sister, this information could be very upsetting to them, because they would be losing a niece or nephew. That’s not the sort of thing you have young kids process at a birthday party. I would probably go to the party myself and not take the kids.