My marriage hurts

[LoveinChrist4]

I don’t really know how to start this, but I don’t have anyone I can talk to. My husband sees only my flaws, he corrects what I do, gets angry if I don’t do things the way that he believes it should be done. He tells me that I do or say things, that I truly don’t think I have, or says I haven’t done or said things that I know I have. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I don’t feel like he likes anything about me. But his friends say or do some of the same things he criticizes me for, and he says how great they are. They actually do some pretty nonsensical or not smart things and he doesn’t have anything to say negative at all. I am sad and I feel alone and stupid all of the time. I pray for guidance or help and I don’t know what to do anymore. It doesn’t seem to get any better only worse and I feel more and more alone and worthless. It really seems to get worse when I pray. It just seems to be a never-ending hell on earth (literally, not trying to be offensive) Please help me.

 

[Hodos]

@LoveinChrist4, I am so sorry to hear of the heartbreak you are facing in your marriage. While I don’t feel I can offer any practical suggestions at this time, not knowing you or your husband, just know that I will keep you in my prayers. You are not worthless, Christ died for you, and for your husband. Will pray that he comes to repent of his behavior and that God will heal your relationship with one another.

 

[1ke]

He tells me that I do or say things, that I truly don’t think I have, or says I haven’t done or said things that I know I have. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

This is called gas lighting. And it’s a troubling, manipulative technique used by narcissists and others to control and intimidate their prey.

My husband sees only my flaws, he corrects what I do, gets angry if I don’t do things the way that he believes it should be done.

I’m sorry that’s happening to you. I would encourage you to seek third party counseling, together or separately if he won’t go.

I am sad and I feel alone and stupid all of the time. I pray for guidance or help and I don’t know what to do anymore.

You can’t keep his treatment a secret, bottled up, or hidden. You cannot allow him to isolate you from your friends and family. You need a support system. Talk to your priest and ask for the name of a counselor you can see. Also, reach out to your family and friends, do things with them, build your own life such as friends, activities, work. Do not be dependent upon him nor allow him to bully you or isolate you.

 

[Irishmom2]

Welcome, OP! I am sorry that you are going through this in your marriage. I would suggest counseling for your marriage so that you can get a neutral party to enable you both to speak honestly to each other. You don’t say what you say or do when he acts like this, you have only told us what he does.

If he refuses to go, you should go on your own, as it sounds a little as if your husband speaks and you back down and shrink away. That may not be the case, but it sounds like you may need to learn how to communicate your feelings to him in a more effective manner.

It does sound like he picks on you and may even be gaslighting you into thinking you do or say things that you haven’t. How long have you been married, and has he always done this to you?

 

[TheLittleLady]

Please, reach out.

An important note: In Love and Life in the Divine Plan, the U.S. Catholic bishops state that “no one in a marriage is obliged to maintain common living with an abusing spouse” [24]. See also When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women.)

 

[Lou2U]

As well as all of the above advice, I suggest you go to counselling on your own, even if you also go with your husband. Gaslighting, which is what he is doing to you, is abusive. It’s often not recommended that people seek counseling with the person abusing them, for a number of reasons. So please, look after yourself and talk to someone alone.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve so much better.

 

[Hawkmaid7]

Yes, yes my dear, be brave and get help. You are worth fighting for, and I’m so sorry you have to fight for yourself without having him by your side, helping. This is not your fault, and you are worth being loved and treasured. St. Anne, pray for us.

 

[Retsel]

Unless faced with losing someone important to them rarely does a husband change.
Progressive distancing and seriousness of goals is needed.

 

[vsedriver]

time to go to marriage counseling. That way you can determine what is really going on. If he doesn’t want to go, then you go alone. You are not required to remain in an abusive marriage. You can live separately.

 

[LoveinChrist4]

Thank you for your responses everyone. They are all what I have thought, but I am unfortunately not in a position to leave right now, I want to but there are many circumstances preventing it. It is my goal that I am working toward though, because I am aware the odds that he will ever treat me well are pretty much nil. I do have to ask if anyone knows why it seems to get worse when I pray? It’s not like I tell him I’m praying at all, let alone about our marriage.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Spiritual attacks to keep us from prayer are to be expected, prayer is that powerful!! Keep praying, and please reach out to your priest.

 

[Retsel]

’Its not like I tell him… let alone about our marriage.

Big mistake, start telling him immediately!
This mistake comes from fear and makes you VERY vulnerable to parasites.

 

[LoveinChrist4]

It’s actually not out of fear I don’t tell him. Somethings I do are because of fear, but I am just super private about my prayers. I don’t really tell anyone what I pray about.What kind of parasites?

 

[TheLittleLady]

Christ encouraged private prayer, there is not a single thing wrong with it.

 

[Retsel]

but I am just super private about my prayers. I don’t really tell anyone what I pray about.What kind of parasites?

I was talking about how he treats you, not your private prayers.

Predator would have been a better choice of words.

 

[Legend]

Maybe God, who loves you very much, is allowing this so that you will be forced to use your own resources, and reach out to others. You have at least started, by posting here. Please, speak to your priest, your family, a counselor. Don’t wait for time to be ‘right’. With a controller and narcissist, it will never feel right to leave. And don’t listen to what he says! You are a person, loved by God, who has found herself trapped…by him! Make plans, and leave!