My wife has no interest in sex

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mkipp

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We have been married for 12 years. We also have two kids 9 and 3. I have tried to talk with my wife about not having sex for almost two years. She says that she has no interest and does not want me to touch her. I am at a complete loss on what to do. I can’t get any more of an explanation out of her. I have no interest in cheating but I can no longer live like this. Life without any affection is miserable.
 
There’s no solution in cheating on your wife.

Could it be something medical that’s leaving her with no interest in sex? Would she be willing to go to a doctor?

Could you go to marital counselling together and work out a way to talk about it?
 
Just going on what you have said, it seems that there may be some underlying issues you, as a couple, need to address. Communication, trust, feeding each other’s wants and needs. I would seeking out counseling or a marriage enrichment such as a Marriage Encounter weekend. Only the two of you know, and need.
 
I’d love to hear from someone on this forum who’s had success with a spouse who is denying them sex. I’m sure you know that your wife’s cheating you of sex is sinful, but I don’t know how you would get her to see this. Have you told her that this is unacceptable? Have you asked her to make a doctor’s appointment to rule out medical causes? Do you believe that sexual infidelity or porn (yes, folks, those sins aren’t just for men) could be contributing to her refusal?

Again, I don’t know how relations are between you, but you have to get through to her that you two are resuming your sex life, and you will help her take whatever steps she needs to do to make that possible. (And to avoid misunderstandings, I am not suggesting that he grab her and force her. But she needs to identify the problem(s) with him touching her, and she needs to make a plan with him to address those problems.)

You should not have to beg for sex. This is something that concubines were owed by their masters, for Heaven’s sake. (Exodus 21:10) It isn’t something nice that you earn by being a good husband, nor an optional extra. If you and she are both physically capable of relations, you are not to deprive each other.
 
heidi_storage said:
I’d love to hear from someone on this forum who’s had success with a spouse who is denying them sex.
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I would too given that we seem to get a thread on this topic about once every week or two.

Since we only ever seem to get one spouse’s perspective on this, I always think there may well be more to the story if the other spouse was also sharing their side.

About all we can do is suggest the same things we always do: communication, see a doctor to rule out medical causes, couples and/or individual therapy, speaking with a priest, prayer, Marriage Encounter or similar program.
 
I would suggest the book “Seven Levels of Intimacy” by Matthew Kelly.
 
mkipp said:
Life without any affection is miserable.
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What is the main problem: not having sex, or not having any affection (whatever it is sexual, sensual or in others ways)?
The answers can oriented what can be problem and resolutions.

If it is “sex”, it might be a medical problem. See a doctor.
Or a spiritual/psychological problem, (for eg, do you wish to not have any other children? Beceause some religious people do not want to have sex after they feel their family is "complete).

If it is “affection” in general, I think you are dangerousely growing apart. It might be a relationship problem. Having honest discussions, and perhaps a therapy may be an idea.
 
The poster has a thread about this exact issue from 2011. And in most threads the Poster posts they never respond and enter into dialogue. So, in reading the old thread I’d say most of the advice still applies.
 
Mkipp, have you gotten help for your depression since your last thread? You need to get that under control. I remember many of your threads and I know your marriage has had its issues in the past. Have you and your wife gone for marriage counseling? That is really the only thing that is going to help. It will help you both communicate the truth of how you are both feeling. It sounds like you are both hiding or holding your feelings inside.
If your wife won’t go to counseling, or won’t go to Retrouvaille then please, for your sake and the sake of your children, get counseling for yourself. There is a saying that you can’t change other people, you can only change yourself. And also, if you can’t change other people, change the way you think about the situation.

If your wife was okay before, and this is a recent behavior (since the birth of your last child) she may in fact be so terrified of having another child that she is doing what she knows will prevent her from having another child. It’s irrational perhaps, but maybe she thinks it’s a solution.

Does your family attend mass together?
 
OP,

I also looked at your past posts. I know, you’ll probably resent being asked, after all the work you put in to get sober, but, have you started drinking again? Been tempted to? It’s important to not let yourself be drawn back into bad habits!

You also mentioned being depressed, a while ago. Has that kicked in? It’s important both in getting/staying sober, and working on the problem at hand.

I hope things go well for you, and your family. God Bless!
 
I have been sober almost 6 years. I still have occasional depression but AA has helped me in so many ways.
 
I’ve been running Marathons and Ultra Marathons over the last 4 years. My wife and I are training for our first 100 mile race this August.
 
Glad to hear that you’re sober and healthy. As to your problem with your wife, I really don’t have any advice. I hope it turns out for the best!

Just a quick thought…were the pregnancies really difficult for her? She could be afraid of getting pregnant again. Have you ever used NFP?
 
mkipp said:
She says that she has no interest and does not want me to touch her. I am at a complete loss on what to do. I can’t get any more of an explanation out of her. I have no interest in cheating but I can no longer live like this. Life without any affection is miserable.
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Well, “no interest in sex” is not unheard of - but taking a decision to reject intimacy with her husband should not be the path she follows. That seems extraordinarily uncaring. The lack of communication you speak of suggests there is more at issue.
 
Maybe she is going through depression? It could be going on so long its “normal” for her now and doesn’t realise it.
 
Perhaps I can bring some light to the other side of this predicament. My husband and I have been working through this our whole marriage, 8 years. Before he communicated to me his need for sex my thinking was that touching him in anyway led to sex. I wanted to avoid sex therefore, I did not touch him. Why did I want to avoid it? I did not enjoy sex because I did not feel connected and “safe” in other areas of life with him. I felt used for sex. I even felt that he married me only to ethically have sex. It was a horrible feeling. Since he started the conversation, I have been able to communicate a need for him to touch me in nonsexual ways. I also need support from him. I felt like we would have sex, I would be tired and pregnant for 9 months, he would resent me for not getting normal household work done because I was exhausted and then I would have a beautiful child but feel like I was a single parent at the same time. Like I said, we are still working through this. We have 3 boys and just found out another child is on the way. It is very stressful. Enough to make me think well, if sex means the possibility of having children, then perhaps we should avoid sex. I am tired of feeling like a married single parent. I feel awful that I can’t provide for the needs of my husband. We have taken many NFP classes. My cycles are very unclear and difficult to manage hence the last two unexpected pregnancies. My husband is under so much physical pain and emotional stress. He wants me to be his outlet but now that I am feeling the stress too, it is a tough conversation. Also to make NFP more fun, he travels a lot and when he comes home he is craving it but sometimes it is the wrong time of month which means we often abstained for months at a time due to his schedule. So the one positive (sorry there is more than one, but at times it feels like there is not) of expecting a child is you can’t get pregnant again! I hope this shows a little light on the other side of this conversation. It’s rough on both sides.
 
I think a lot of these intimacy problems come from the woman feeling used. Far too often, men forget about their wife’s pleasure and get caught up in their own pleasure and before they know it, the act is over. Women take a bit longer to be aroused and to climax. Maybe your wife hasn’t ever felt this pleasure and is feeling used?
I have to say that I have been blessed with a husband who is very self-giving in the marital embrace and makes sure that my needs are met when we’re intimate.
Also, are you more interested in sexual intimacy for your own pleasure or are you truly wanting to be self-giving and pleasure your wife because that is the gift you wish to give her? Ask yourself this question. It is sinful to only want sex for one’s own selfish needs. This goes for both husband and wife.
 
look up Jerry Jacobs Jr. and his Catholic Alpha program (catholicalpha.com) He is a Catholic counselor and Catholic sexologist. His theology is in my opinion wrong in a few areas on a few moral sexual ethics, but he can really help you get motivated. I know how you feel, I have had a sexless marriage for 13 years (and still do sometimes.) Also a good priest and/or Catholic counseling is really, really valuable.

Jerry Jacobs Jr. You Tube Videos

www.youtube.com

Save My Catholic Marriage Minute By Catholic Alpha

Want More? Has your wife left the home, asked for a divorce, or separation? Has she filed for a divorce or divorced you? Visit SaveMyCatholicMarriage.com and enter the Marriage Masterclass learn how you can reverse all the chaos in your marriage! Christian Marriage Advice For Husbands: Your...
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Cmel said:
Perhaps I can bring some light to the other side of this predicament. My husband and I have been working through this our whole marriage, 8 years. Before he communicated to me his need for sex my thinking was that touching him in anyway led to sex. I wanted to avoid sex therefore, I did not touch him. Why did I want to avoid it? I did not enjoy sex because I did not feel connected and “safe” in other areas of life with him. I felt used for sex.
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Begs the question why you married a person with whom you did not feel connected and safe??
 
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