Need a little clarity/input/prayers

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SavedByHim

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Warning: long post.

Lately, the marriage-front has not been going too hot for hubby and I. Nothing serious, no we’re not going to get a divorce – not even an option – but we are having a very difficult time of it. Arguing constantly. Feelings of resentment.

I tend to think it’s because I am pregnant, stressed out and don’t get much help around the house. He says it’s because I fly off the handle and am “short” with him. (Which in all fairness is probably true, but it’s because I’m feeling stressed out, tired and don’t get much help around the house.) It’s a vicious cycle I think.

So, I guess I just want some clarity into the situation: am I expecting too much? Is it me? Do I need to get off the “pity pot?”

I work Monday through Friday 8:30 to 3:00 out of the home. I also have a “side job” where I can work from home and I put in about 4 hours a week doing that, so total, I log about 36 hours of “work.”

My “chores” are: cooking, main housecleaning, dishes and folding laundry… not to mention 90% of the child rearing. Hubby’s “chores” are yard work and emptying the trash. On Saturdays I ask him to help me clean the house by mopping the kitchen floors and cleaning the bathroom. DH works about 40-50 hours at a week at a construction job so I know he is tired when he gets home during the week.

My problem is I’m feeling very resentful because he gets home from work and supper is there waiting for him. After he eats, I clean up the kitchen while he has “play time” with the girls. After that, he pretty much goes and plunks on the couch in front of the TV and usually falls asleep by 8:30. In the meantime, I am tending to the kids, reading books, getting them in PJ’s, getting them tucked in and then I work on the computer for my side job.

DH and I have talked many times about how I am feeling (stressed, tired, resentful) but he doesn’t seem overly motivated to change. He gets angry that he has to help out around the house at all because he believes that’s a woman’s job. I agree, ideally/traditionally, that would be all fine and dandy, but then I need to be able to quit my job and be a stay-at-home mom! We can’t financially swing it and he knows that, but he still expects me to be the “traditional wife.”

Even when he does help, it’s not “quite right”. For example, last night, I was dead tired and asked DH to help our 3-year-old on the potty. He did. Well this morning, DD was moving the little potty and tipped it over, spilling pee all over the floor. DH didn’t empty the thing!!! So, I have a hard time accepting his help graciously because it usually leads to more work for me in the end! I don’t dare say anything to him though because he already thinks that he “can’t do anything right for me”.

I know I’m rambling and this is getting long and boring, and I don’t even know what I’m asking for really. I just know I can’t go on like this forever and don’t know where to turn for help.

I apologize for the long post, but any (name removed by moderator)ut and especially prayers are greatly appreciated.
 
Prayers I can give you! Advice? Probably not…but I’ll try…
**First thing that comes to mind is, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Are you absolutely sure that you can’t swing being a SAHM? It seems to be what you both need. And I’m sure your kiddos would appreciate it too:) **
If that is completely out of the question (and in 99% of cases I’m pretty sure it’s not), could you arrange for hubby to be in charge for a weekend? Let him take over all of your responsibilities (except being pregnant of course:p ) and let him get a feel for just how much you do.
And the longer the better…a few hours isn’t going to cut it. Can you get away for an entire weekend, or even longer?
Seems like the only way he’ll appreciate just how much responsibilty you have is by walking a mile in your shoes.
Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful. But I will pray for you, and let Him help you!
Malia
 
I know just how you feel. I began to offer it up and each time I began to get resentful, I would begin to say a "Glory Be.’ I know that sounds to simple. I turned his every selfish act into a sacrifice offered up for him. I also began to give him options. ie: “Do you want to do dishes or bath the kids.”

He chose dishes so all of the kids help him. They carry things to the fridge, put silverware in the dishwasher, dry…ect.

I also give the kids the pj’s and tell them to have Dad put them on. He does this while watching TV.

Just keep praying for him as you include him.

Sometimes my husband’s tissy fits were so loud I would have to wisper the prayer. Now he knows that each time he begins to be a stinker baby and I drop my head I am praying for him.
I always say thank you and I try to never complain about the job he did.

Girl what are you doing with one of those yuchy potty chairs! Get one that sits on the toilet and then get a stool. Then he can’t mess up the job.

He now has watched me offer up all the suffering of loosing two children. He is a completely different man. I continue to fast for him as he is not Catholic and never been baptised. He attends Mass every Sunday with me and has quite complaining about it. After my daugher was stillborn, he asked for a rosary with read beads and a reliquary cross with a piece of her her blanket in it. God does wonders!
 
If I worked 36 hour a week and my hubby was irratated because helping me around the house was “women’s work” this woman’s frying pan would come flying in his direction. 😛 Sorry not helpful.

If you can get a weekend to go to Marriage Encounter that would definately help communicate this situation to him better in the mean time…

Anytime hubby helps at all make a big deal about it. Praise him like crazy, brag about it in front him to your friends even if it’s not half as good as it would have been if you’d done it yourself. And wrapping the evening up with sex is always good. 😃 Before any one gets mad I don’t mean bribe your husband with sex. I think most men would like women to show their appreciation with sex. (Just like woman like to be appreciated with cards, roses ect.) If you man associates helping around the house with being appreciated chances are he’ll help more.
Honestly I’ve been married sixteen years and I have to tell you all the talking, cajoling and pleading doesn’t work nearly as well. By now my hubby’s caught on and it’s kind of become an inside joke with us. But it still works.🙂 Hey if you hubby still believes in women’s work then he’ll probably appreciate an old fashioned solution.
 
rayne89 said:
Hey if you hubby still believes in women’s work then he’ll probably appreciate an old fashioned solution.
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:rotfl: LOL,
**that is probably true! But, honestly, I don’t know a single man who that wouldn’t work on;) **
I suggest picking up a copy of Dr.Laura’s “the proper care and feeding of husbands”. It really gives a lot of insight into how men think and why they behave/react the way they do.
If you didn’t marry a loser, the book (if you are truly open to looking at yourself) will change your whole life for the better. I can’t say enough good things about it…
malia
 
I’m not against ‘old-fashioned’ solutions, but if I was in SBH’s position, sex might be just another chore for her exhausted, pregnant and overworked body to get through and the subtlety might still be lost on her husband anyway. (NOT saying she should deny him, I’m just saying I wouldn’t make sex a currency, iykwim.) I also think SBH has some abuse in her past that she’s posted about and going about sex in that way might trigger some old feelings for her. Anyway, I would just avoid doing that, but that’s my opinion, so take it for the two cents it’s worth! 🙂

SBH, I wonder if a neutral third party might better help you two communicate better? Even if he doesn’t want to go, I think making time for yourself to go, releasing the stress by talking about the resentment and having the unbiased ear of the therapist to listen with empathy might make you feel SO much better. Sometimes it’s difficult to set boundaries in a marriage when patterns are so long established and people have unwavering expectations–like your husband’s view that housework is ‘women’s work.’ But, a therapist can help you make changes slowly and begin setting boundaries for yourself that make the situation more endurable. It might mean lowering your own expectations–a house that is a bit more cluttered, dinner that is a little less on time or gourmet, etc, but your mental and physical health needs to come first. At some point, if you already aren’t, you’ll be running on empty and just crash, burn and be unable to offer anyone anything. You need to take steps to nurture yourself, especially when cooking a little one. 🙂

You sound so worn out and I wish I could run over and do some laundry, clean a couple toilets and make you a few dinners! 🙂
 
Princess_Abby said:
haha!! sure, i like canada and sophie & lily can have a playdate! 🙂
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OK, I told Lily and she’s so excited…you can’t back out now😉

malia
**p.s. I’m sorry to have hijacked this thread…I won’t do it anymore:o **
 
I can’t give you any advice. I am pregnant, and so sick, and so exhausted, and in my husband’s words, “a harridan”.
I cannot get done all the housework, and I am a sahm, my children have no regard for me, and will not do any chores, and the effort of trying to get them to do things far exceeds doing it myself. So you are not alone.
 
Wow, thank you so much ladies for your insight and understanding. There are so many things I want to respond to but I’m not sure I can put it all into words in a post.

First, I think Princess Abby hit it on the head about me thinking sex is just another “chore” on my to do list. It sounds awful, I know, and DH have talked about that aspect too. But that’s like a vicious cycle too: I feel too spent to want to give myself to DH, but a healthy marriage needs that intimacy so we get even further disconnected.

We actually had a long, very productive, CALM 😃 talk over the weekend and I’m hopeful it put things into perspective for both of us. I told him that sometimes I feel that he is just another person to take care of and pick up after and I would like to feel more like he is my PARTNER. I don’t want to be the head of the household. He said he understood and told me some things that are going to help me change my ways too. He actually told me that he doesn’t think it would affect me at all if he were not around anymore. He said he doesn’t think I even like him or find him attractive anymore, so I know I need to be better at showing him what he means to me. After the “talk” he even folded two baskets of laundry for me, did the dishes and picked up his socks off the floor. 🙂 He is trying and it brings tears to my eyes to see that. He really is a wonderful man.

Anyways, now I’m getting all sappy :p. I thank you all for the advice and the book recommendations, and Abby the offer to come and help out! Bless you! I appreciate you all letting me just “talk” like old girlfriends. It really helps!
 
He said he understood and told me some things that are going to help me change my ways too. He actually told me that he doesn’t think it would affect me at all if he were not around anymore. He said he doesn’t think I even like him or find him attractive anymore, so I know I need to be better at showing him what he means to me. After the “talk” he even folded two baskets of laundry for me, did the dishes and picked up his socks off the floor. 🙂 He is trying and it brings tears to my eyes to see that. He really is a wonderful man.
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Awwwwwww. That is so awesome!!! I could cry for you!! lol. I think it is so wonderful you two got to talk and has really helped me to see how the story is not always one sided. (not that you thought it was) But, you had all of these feelings and so did he…he just was not going to tell you about them. Sounds like he sees you as the super mom and he is not needed.
 
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