Need book/audio recommendations for divorce

  • Thread starter Thread starter YinYangMom
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Y

YinYangMom

Guest
A catholic friend is going through abandonment issues big time right now. Her addicted husband of 27 years, last year filed for divorce but on the day it was to be finalized (February 14) he showed up with flowers seeking reconciliation, claiming to be sober and active in AA. During the separation he coaxed the 17 year old children into encouraging her to take him back. She did. The day after thanksgiving this year she awoke to his stuff missing, including his dog, and a voice message on her cell phone saying she hadn’t changed, it won’t work, start divorce proceedings again, the house will be sold as soon as possible.

The kids are now 19. One is away at college, the other was kicked out by dad for not having a job even though he’s in college. We took him into our home. The son is reeling from the betrayal of the father, especially after having stuck up for him in February. The daughter is in denial, believing the mother is to blame for the failed reconciliation. Both are trying to stay away from both parents because the divorce is going to be ugly this time (even though it’s a no-fault state).

This is why the mother is feeling abandoned - by the husband, the kids, God. She believes He is punishing her but doesn’t know why since she did everything for the husband and children.

Long story short: she is seeing a therapist, goes to al-anon meetings, and has a good lawyer. I’m trying to help her not give up on Catholicism and God. I gave her a rosary CD she has been listening to each evening. And I’m trying to explain that God is with her, that she is blessed - she has a therapist, lawyer, parents who are taking her back into their home, siblings and friends who are rallying by her side.

Because the husband has always had alcohol issues, some drug issues and has a family history of depression though doesn’t believe in therapy, she’s struggling with comprehending the extent of the effect of his addictions on her life as opposed to believing she’s done everything wrong and that’s why he left her.

Are there Catholic inspirational books/audio materials designed to help victims of abuse rebuild their lives without abandoning their faith? She needs to hear/read stories of others who, through the Church, have come to terms with a failed marriage, especially with addictions involved, and were able to find happiness and a stronger belief in God… Something to help her understand unconditional love (to help her stop interpreting everything her children do/say as their rejecting her and not appreciating her as a mother but chosing the dad over her)…And something to help her understand the purpose of pain/suffering, that it’s not punishment but opportunities for service.

I would appreciate any recommendations you may have.

Thank you.

YYM
 
We need more folks like you in the Church! You are a blessing to your friend and to your parish.
 
A couple of things that stand out from your post are the husband’s desire to blame her for the failed marriage - despite his own obvious contributions to their problems - and to punish her for the breakup. It’s possible that he has narcisistic personality disorder. Your friend’s therapist can give her a better idea if this is the case. I’m glad that she is receiving counseling.

As far as the book recommendation:
bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

I’ve found it useful as I’ve been going through my own messy divorce with my alcoholic NPD husband. I’ll be sure to keep your friend in my prayers.
 
Just wanted to add…I realize that my book completely does not deal with the faith aspects, but I do still recommend it. A lot of times when you have been dealing with abuse for a very long time (for me it has been my entire adult life) it is really hard to see things as they really are. The book that I recommended is good because it will give your friend some insight into what is really going on with her husband and will explain why he is targeting her the way that he is. What’s more, it will give her a basic roadmap of what to expect with the divorce. It is really nice to have a playbook of sorts, because then you can almost predict what his next moves will be. It is kind of amazing, but abusers really are almost like robots programmed to behave in a certain way. They are amazingly predictable once you understand the basic pattern. Counseling will help her break out of the pattern and the co-dependency.

I really don’t know of any book specifically designed to deal with abuse/addiction/divorce from a Catholic perspective. I do find though that Catholic books on spirituality really have spoken directly to me as I go through this time. A couple that I have found particularly helpful have been Dark Night of the Soul, The Immitation of Christ, and The Sacrament of the Present Moment by Jean-Pierre De Caussade.
 
dulcissima said:
Just wanted to add…I realize that my book completely does not deal with the faith aspects, but I do still recommend it. A lot of times when you have been dealing with abuse for a very long time (for me it has been my entire adult life) it is really hard to see things as they really are. The book that I recommended is good because it will give your friend some insight into what is really going on with her husband and will explain why he is targeting her the way that he is. What’s more, it will give her a basic roadmap of what to expect with the divorce. It is really nice to have a playbook of sorts, because then you can almost predict what his next moves will be. It is kind of amazing, but abusers really are almost like robots programmed to behave in a certain way. They are amazingly predictable once you understand the basic pattern. Counseling will help her break out of the pattern and the co-dependency.

I really don’t know of any book specifically designed to deal with abuse/addiction/divorce from a Catholic perspective. I do find though that Catholic books on spirituality really have spoken directly to me as I go through this time. A couple that I have found particularly helpful have been Dark Night of the Soul, The Immitation of Christ, and The Sacrament of the Present Moment by Jean-Pierre De Caussade.
Click to expand...
Thank you for your suggestion, it is what she needs. Yes, her therapist will get her through this, but that takes time in 1 hour sessions. Having a book like that she can devour on her own time will probably help her therapy sessions run smoother. I will certainly look that book up.

She’s been with this man since she was 19, so, like you, it’s all she’s known (been programmed into) her adult life. She realizes she is not emotionally mature enough to grasp what has really happened over all these years. I suppose she never had the chance to mature emotionally under his duress. Charming devils, these addicted men are. Quite frightening how easily they lead double lives.

You are in my prayers as well. Thanks again for the suggestion.

You, too, will be in my prayers.
 
If this guy is a narcissist, there’s a book the kids might benefit from–Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown. It’s so excellent.

If you go on amazon.com and search narcissism, you’ll find many books and be able to sift through them. Some deal with recovering children of narcissists and others are about spousal relationships. You might be able to recognize ‘him’ in reading some of the descriptions and know what to order.
 
Princess_Abby said:
If this guy is a narcissist, there’s a book the kids might benefit from–Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown. It’s so excellent.
Click to expand...
Reading the basics of that narcissistic web page, this man is not that.

Truly his problem is depression, ADD, and addiction (alcohol/drugs, mostly alcohol).

He is financially successful, or so it appears - though I suspect the divorce will reveal some hidden problems.

Anyone who knew the couple were surprised to learn he was an alcoholic (he drinks alone until he passes out so no one sees that side of him except the wife).

The therapist figures the real reason for the divorce is going off the wagon, that he’s drinking again and knows he can’t do it with the wife anymore (she won’t cover for him).

Of course, she only sees he doesn’t love her, he’s rejecting her after all she’s done for him and the kids. She doesn’t see the power of the addiction. She knows it’s there but only as an aside, which is the main hurdle she needs to overcome.

But thanks for that reference, too. I will look it up.

I saw several inspirational books dealing with divorce and addictions in the bookstores under the christianity sections but not being familiar with authors’ names I couldn’t tell which were ‘christian’-based as opposed to ‘catholic’-based. I worry that the christian slant on these type of books will encourage the divorced person to prepare for a new life with a new person, which is not the Catholic way unless an annulment is filed and granted. This friend has several non-Catholic friends who have remarried and are encouraging her to prepare to do the same, so I’d like to balance that influence with the Catholic approach, if possible.
 
  • Bumping the thread up now that the holidays are over *
I’m surprised I haven’t been able to find much with Google.
Could it be the topic hasn’t been addressed in Catholic form via books/tapes/video?

I’m finding good stuff on divorce, but not divorce from an addict…which is really what matters here, since marriage counseling doesn’t work so long as the addiction is alive and well.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top