Need prayers for the wisdom to set boundaries

[Amalie]

Ok I just have a lot of dysfunction going on in my family. And I’m super tired of it.
My mom has suffered a lot; but also she needs to be called out to be better. That’s hard for me because I know how much she has suffered.

Unfortunately in an attempt to help my mom and dad I got entwined in their mess and want to get out of it but morally it feels wrong to just check out.

Their marriage is so bad. They do everything they can just to hang in there. But honestly it’s so bad. They wont go to counseling because it’s too emotionally draining, and there are so many external stressors ( health issues and financial issues).

Nothing we do seems to help- not loaning money, not prayers, ( I know they are working I’m just ready for evidence) not tough love, not sending books, not suggesting counseling, not retrouvaille.

We’ve always been tougher on my mom than my dad because he had a broken home growing up and has struggled with mental illness so its tough to be tough on him, but he really needs to get his act together.

This sounds judgmental but I’ve been trying to parent my parents for 10 years now, and its not working. If I give up and they split I’ll be super sad.

But I’m learning the lesson that you cant change people who don’t want to change.

Dear God please change them. and if your will is to not, please give me the strength to accept it and not be cynical. Because by myself I just feel so cynical about marriage and family life. I’m so scared by their sad stressful story that it makes it harder for me to be excited about building my own family. It makes me cynical about people. I need the saints so bad to inspire me. Because I get really down.

I get that our faith is about carrying the cross. So help me be strong enough to tell these people that I love that they need to pray for the grace to carry theirs, because I can’t carry theirs and carry mine. It’s too much.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Okay first, hugs.
Second, you are making way too much effort to hold your parents marriage together.
No outsider can hold any marriage together.

You gave all the help and made all the suggestions, and they’re unresponsive, now it’s time to let them sink or swim.

I’m sorry

 

[TheLittleLady]

My mom has suffered a lot; but also she needs to be called out to be better.

This is not the responsibility of an adult child.

Love them, pray for them, you cannot save their marriage.

 

[His_helpmeet]

I think you need to let your parents know that you are no longer willing to listen to their complaints about their marriage. You can use an “I” message; that often makes it seem less as if you are “blaming” someone and it’s less likely to make them defensive: “Mom, Dad, I feel upset when you complain about each other to me.”

Parents and children should never get involved in each others’ relationships, parents because it’s a parent’s instinct to protect a child, and children because they will naturally feel “caught in the middle” between both parents. It’s natural and normal for parents to want to protect their children. It’s natural and normal for children to love both their parents equally. But these things also mean that neither parents nor children are objective third parties in each other’s relationships.

If your parents can’t or won’t see a marriage counsellor, that’s their choice. You can’t make them do that. What you can do is refuse to let them make you their confidante. You may need to add to you “I” message a clear boundary: “If you start talking about your marriage, I’m going to leave/hang up the phone.” Then, if and when they start doing it, you just restate the boundary: “If you don’t change the subject, I’m leaving/hanging up the phone.” If they continue, then you follow through.

They may yell and scream and say you’re being a terrible child and that you don’t love them. That’s okay. It’s not true. You’re protecting yourself and saying you won’t be involved in things that are none of your business anyway. If they choose to have a problem with that, it’s on them, not you.