Nervous...and I know it’s petty

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AggieCatholic22

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I don’t know why I’m nervous, but my husband is going out of town for work and he had asked if I could go down to our hometown and stay at his parents house( they have been going through some tough times and them seeing their grandson and myself would bring them so much joy) I love staying there when we are down they are the nicest people ever and I feel so blessed to have such great in laws:) My mom on the other hand if she found I was coming into town and wasn’t staying at my childhood home( aka my parents house) she would get angry with me as she has in the past…I don’t know why I’m nervous about going down and I shouldn’t be. I do talk to my mom on the phone nearly every day. I am pregnant with mine and my husband’s second baby currently:) 18 weeks:) and anyway, just any advice would be helpful…it’s honestly better for my mom to not find out I’m at my in laws house…
 
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An honest question is it a bad or weird thing to stay at your in laws house without your spouse around?
 
Uh, well, I am 19 and a bad person to answer this probably, but I thought I’d try my hand.

First off, I think you’re entirely logical about being nervous; if your Mom has a history of being angry, it makes sense that she might be again, and as a good daughter of hers, that would make you uncomfortable. It’s unfortunate, all around, but logical.

Second, if you talk to her everyday, a secret kept will hurt more. “Secrets keep you sick” is a phrase I’ve come to go by, and while it’s not necessarily accurate, “sneaking around” will do far more harm in the long run than in the short term. Frankly, I would bite the bullet and phrase it as your in-laws asked first, and thus because you are a good person (as your Mom should know and be proud of), you had to accept their offer first. You could throw in a “I’ll miss you a lot, but I’m a woman of my word” or something to put your foot down immediately so she doesn’t try to talk you out of it. After all, what mother would want their child to let others down? It sounds like a guilt trip but…keep it in your back pocket, I guess. Just don’t keep it a secret.

UPDATE: I was reading your other posts and gee whiz your mother is something special. So, maybe don’t keep it a secret, but also don’t feel like you have to tell her. Given you have your own family now, maybe starting to back away from her would be wise? That sounds bad, don’t abandon her, but remember that you are your own person, you are a wife and mother now. You can adult! I believe in you!

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AggieCatholic22 said:
An honest question is it a bad or weird thing to stay at your in laws house without your spouse around?
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NO! It is not a bad or weird thing at all! You are now part of their family, it might take some adjusting, but it is not bad. Without going into my own family history, I can say that it can be awkward at times, but given your present relationship with your in-laws, this shouldn’t ruffle any of their feathers at all. Take a deep breath, calm your cravings (my Mom wanted sauerkraut for some reason), and rejoice that you have a giant loving family who want to see you (:
 
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Do not try to hide from your mom.

When DH and I go back home, there are so many family obligations that we never get to see our old friends. Once we decided to sneak up and not tell the family we were coming, just to spend a weekend with our friends.

It was all fun and games until we were at an event and there was the local news, and they all saw us on TV.

Set aside time to visit with your mom, maybe everyone gets together? Divide your time, let you kiddo spend a couple of nights with his other grandma, find a way to not cut your mom out of the visit.
 
AggieCatholic22 said:
it’s honestly better for my mom to not find out I’m at my in laws house
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I would say it is doubtful this may be best. It may be best for this one visit (although I doubt it), but certainly not best for the long term. Do you think she isn’t going to find out about your stay? Of course she is. Then what will that bring?

Sometimes, once we become adults we have to make an ardent effort to deal adult-to-adult with our parents. It is way too easy to fall into the parent-child relationship, which is what you are describing.

Matter-of-factly say “Mom, the baby and I are coming for a bit to visit at my in-laws. They really want to spend some exclusive time with me and the baby. Maybe we can all get together one night for dinner?” And leave it at that. No need to explain any further.
 
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AggieCatholic22 said:
I do talk to my mom on the phone nearly every day.
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As we’ve said on previous threads you need to put some bigger boundaries up with your mother.

I think this is one. You do NOT need to talk to her every day, especially given how she treats you.
AggieCatholic22 said:
if she found I was coming into town and wasn’t staying at my childhood home( aka my parents house) she would get angry with me as she has in the past…
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And you need to work on not caring what she thinks or says, and hanging up if she becomes abusive towards you.

Or just not telling her at all what you are doing. It’s not her business.
AggieCatholic22 said:
it’s honestly better for my mom to not find out I’m at my in laws house…
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Your mom is toxic and my advice is to quit pretending she isn’t or that she will change.
 
@AggieCatholic22, you didn’t acknowledge my posts on your other thread, but I’ll give it one more try on this thread…

Your mother emotionally abuses you. She is the reason you are anxious all the time. The things she says to you and the way she treats you are objectively cruel and wrong, and you need to distance yourself from her.

If you can’t see that, you need some serious psychological counseling.

Stop talking to her every single day about every single thing you do. PUT DISTANCE BETWEEN YOURSELF AND HER.
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You need more help than anonymous strangers on this forum can give you. Instead of repeatedly posting here, book an appointment with a therapist who specializes in helping adult children of emotionally abusive parents. Print all of your threads and show them to the therapist. Please, for the sake of yourself, your children, and your husband, please get help.
 
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I don’t agree with her Buddhist beliefs but she is spot on in her knowledge about mental manipulation by toxic parents. She would be a great resource for you.
 
Speaking as a mom, I will tell you now that Mom will find out. Mom’s have an uncanny ability to find out everything. Ask my son & Dil, but I am not the jealous mom, and feel bad for them when they have to deal with jealous mom. And because of that DIL has distance herself from her family, to toxic and negativity.

Best to be open with her from the get go, and you might start setting boundaries now. It sounds like in the past that you have gone home and stayed with you mom. So just simply say, Hubby and I were talking and while he has to go out of town on a business trip for a couple of days, we have decided that the baby and I will come down for a visit, but this time we are staying with the inlaws, because they are having a rough time and need cheering up (which is not a lie). Plus you know how the baby can make your troubles go away for a bit. With that said, I would tell her that we would love to get together for a visit while we are here, I have such and such time open which works for you. And if she gets angry, just say I will speak to you later when you have calmed down because it isn’t good for my pregnancy to be under all this stress.

And then after your visit, I would mention how the baby had made such a positive impact in their lives, that we have decided that it would only be fair if we rotated houses to stay at when we come for a visit after all hubby’s family is just as important to him as my family is to me. And then stick to you guns, and if she pitches a fit, just excuse yourself and hang up. She can’t argue with you if you don’t participate.

Good luck and let us know how it works out.

P.S. And just remember your children are watching this, do you really want them to witness how your mom treats you. No, you want to show them the strong and confident mom you are.
 
Thanks for the sound advice:) I appreciate it:) I actually didn’t end up going down to my hometown my mother in law ended up coming to our house I didn’t feel well:/ pregnancy related sickness…my oldest sister is about to have her fifth baby any day now, so that is my mom’s main focus right now is being there to help my sister out…so I guess that’s good she’s got that to kind of focus on for right now.
 
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