Not Sure if son is having Catholic wedding w Priest

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dianeusa

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My son, 29, who lives out of state, is living with his girlfriend and getting married June 2020. Yes, I am not pleased with his arrangement so no need to ridicule that. He is moving back to the area with her and getting married back in his hometown. Because the move is complicated, not much has been said about a Catholic wedding. She is catholic but I think they both have fallen away. He knows how important it is for me and his grandmother esp. but I almost feel like he really Is not making it a priority. He is getting married in a nondenominational church that does do Catholic wedding because it is located on a college campus, his alma matar . Because he lives out of state, we usually only text, talk on phone and when they are home, she is always here- so hard to talk with him alone. His father is not Catholic but has always supported raising the children in my faith. We are almost married 35 years! I feel like because he will be 30 once he does marry and is an adult, I can’t make him marry the way I want. He does know my feelings but I tread lightly as to never put this between us and break that bond of love. Any suggestions or ideas about this…appreciated, thanks
 
So, what parish is handling your marriage prep?

So, is Father Joe celebrating your wedding?

Just a simple question, but, only ask if you can remain calm if you hear that they are not marrying in the Church.

We talked about this all through childhood and teen years. DS knew that his dad and I would always love him, but, we would not attend an invalid wedding. He knew what was required to make a marriage valid.

If you have not had that conversation in the past, your son will likely expect you to attend regardless. Best to have a heart to heart with your spouse now.
 
Is there some tension in your relationship with your son? As mentioned above by @TheLittleLady, you should be able to ask normal, non-judging questions about the upcoming wedding. You should be able to talk about wedding plans with both of them - in an I’m excited about your wedding plans sort of way.
 
No church is handling marriage prep, at this point, . I emailed him a prep class that can be done through Dynamic Catholic that is online. I do not think he looked into it yet. Once he moves back to area, I am hoping and praying he will join a Catholic Church. My mother, his GM, told me she was not sure she would attend his wedding if it was not Catholic. So I def feel as though I am in the middle however, I-really do not believe that she won’t be there. I will always love my son and by not going to a wedding would make things worse and ruin a future with him, that I will not do as sad as I would be. Part of being a mother and the love for her child…
 
No there is no tension with him, I did tell him I wanted him to get married in the church. However, I know he has fallen away, don’t think he goes to mass. He has lived on his own for 6 years and out of state so I don’t have much control, after all he is an adult. You can not control another person. I have been praying a lot about it.
 
Part of being a parent is both the unconditional love for your child and the desire (or obligation) to share your beliefs and those of the church. My experience was not in a wedding, but in another area. Tell them they are loved, and because of that what your concerns are.
 
I’m just going to ask… if he isn’t a practicing Catholic, why does it matter if he is married in the Church? He won’t be living a Catholic marriage I presume.
 
dianeusa said:
Yes, I am not pleased with his arrangement so no need to ridicule that
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Diane, I doubt many would ‘ridicule that’. too many parents find themselves in similar situations, children cohabiting and marrying, potentially outside the Church. The response of most of us would be to join you in praying for your son and his future family. Many Catholic parents end up a little bewildered regarding the situation. “We tried our best.” That he wishes to marry near home at at places meaningful to him, and that he keeps in touch with you is indication of a lovely nature, a good son.

No, we can’t make our adult children change their choices, or do as our concerned hearts, and our faith require.

We can only love them. If you did have a free moment with him, without judgement of any kind, it might be possible to say with quiet humility, without anything that might seem to have even the least air of trying to anything he might see as emotional pressure, something like, "Darling it does bother me that you are both lapsed and that you don’t intend marrying in the church. " That’s expressing your feelings, it’s not applying pressure alough it could still feel that way to him and his fiancee, but we parents basically are called to love and to pray regarding our adult children’s choices.
It’s really hard when our adult children make life choices that we know or feel are in any way detrimental to them.
May God bless your son and his fiance, and lead them back to Himself and to the Sacraments.
 
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The marriage prep is handled by the priest where your son/his fiancee reside. Their pastor sets the “rules” and the program for their prep.

We don’t just go find a program online and do it.

Just ask him “Have you received dispensation to marry at XYZ Uni chapel, or, does the Diocese have a standing dispensation for that chapel?”

If he says “no”, we are not seeking that the Catholic Church be involved." then you have your answer.
 
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Diane, with all due respect, isn’t it a little silly to be expecting/ hoping/ wondering if the wedding will be Catholic when both your son and his fiance are fallen away Catholics? Think about the things that are promised during a Catholic wedding. There is no way an upstanding person with integrity could go through that if they had no intention of being part of the Church. To do that for the sole purpose of pleasing one’s mother would be a terrible thing.

I would suggest you do a couple of things, and in this order:
1). Accept that your child doesn’t have the same faith and religion that you do.

2). Understand that it is his right to not believe the same things you do.

3). Ask him straight up what kind of a wedding he and his fiance are planning to have.

Many families have let this issue pull them apart. Figure out what you need to do to make sure this doesn’t happen to your family. Grown children have to live their own lives. It isn’t the role of a parent to do that for them. That includes making decisions about how one marries.
 
JMMJ said:
Think about the things that are promised during a Catholic wedding.
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JMMJ said:
Figure out what you need to do to make sure this doesn’t happen to your family. Grown children have to live their own lives.
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And yet, that same parent made promises to the Church at the baptism of that child. The parent knew full well that by baptizing this child in the Church they were determining how that child would marry.

Honestly, I would expect an adult who had left the practice of the faith to at minimum sit down with their Catholic family and say “I understand the promises you made at my baptism. I have chosen to reject the faith you worked so hard to instill in me, this does not mean I do not love you and I do still respect your faith. If attending my marriage outside of the Church will cause you pain, know that I will respect you and your faith enough to not let it be a big deal for me.”
 
But, doesn’t the promise change, once the child is an adult, sort of like ‘honor your father and mother’ stops being obedience, and becomes a general respect and concern, and trying to ensure that the parents are financially cared for, in their old age?

If the son does this, it will mean that he and his wife-to-be will be lying to the priest, the parents, all in attendance, the church, and God himself? No, I could never go along with dishonesty, on such a large scale!

So many people do such things to ‘keep up appearances’. I’m not looking for a debate. I just can’t condone such a serious act of dishonesty!
 
Legend said:
But, doesn’t the promise change, once the child is an adult, sort of like ‘honor your father and mother’ stops being obedience, and becomes a general respect and concern, and trying to ensure that the parents are financially cared for, in their old age?
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That is why the adult child would be up front with parents, out of respect, that while he/she rejects the practice of the faith, they respect their parent enough to understand if the parent cannot in good conscience go to the wedding.
 
Sorry. I thought you were saying that the son should go through through with a catholic wedding, making all the promises, and not meaning them. Really glad to hear that, for I usually agree with your advice. And always respect it!
 
Legend said:
But, doesn’t the promise change, once the child is an adult, sort of like ‘honor your father and mother’ stops being obedience, and becomes a general respect and concern, and trying to ensure that the parents are financially cared for, in their old age?

If the son does this, it will mean that he and his wife-to-be will be lying to the priest, the parents, all in attendance, the church, and God himself? No, I could never go along with dishonesty, on such a large scale!

So many people do such things to ‘keep up appearances’. I’m not looking for a debate. I just can’t condone such a serious act of dishonesty!
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Which is why I wish there was a way to exempt yourself from canon law.
 
To say their fallen out of church and God is harsh and assumed. You don’t know if your Son still prays and your future dil you don’t know if they help others you don’t know if they still attend church. I sense disapproval of your future dil and maybe that’s why when she visits she only wants to be around your Son because his the only one that understands her and she feels comfortable and not misunderstood and judged. Even with their living arrangements we don’t know if a priest blessed them. I understand as parents we want our kids to be with God but at the same time once they are Adults we have to trust in God is his work now. As a parent you did enough you guided him you show him the way. Even if he fallen out of church God has his way and own timing to bring him back. Many Saints had fallen and at the end the became Saints. All you can do is extend an olive branch get to know your future daughter in law more as a friend and understand her with an open mind. Don’t let the issue build a resentment based on what you want or his Grandma. Get to know your daughter in law without being judgmental ask her how can I help you with prescriptions but you have to understand is their wedding and their day. Also go back on your wedding time you mentioned your husband wasn’t Catholic how did his Parents felt or his relatives. Also your Son that’s Men in general they tell their future wives or wives how their parents or relatives feel or complaints and builds resentment again. Trust in your Son you guided him as a parent you did your job and what God called you to do now is up to him and again is between God and him. God bless.
 
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