Obligations to older parents

[exiled1]

Does anyone have thoughts about how much time and energy should go into caring for older parents? My mother is 79, and while she is in fairly good health, she complains constantly about one thing or another, either how she’s feeling/something-or-other isn’t working/she can’t find this-or-that.
I offer to take her places with us: Mass, visits with other extended family, church fairs, etc. and she inevitably starts to feel so unwell that we are compelled to leave. There is an episode day in and day out of (supposed) dizziness, headache, her arm bothers her, her feet bother her and on and on. She is 100% under a doctors care and has been checked out frequently, so other than normal aches and pains from being older, there is nothing wrong.
Further, I separated from my husband over a year ago and I am still the only emotional, mental and practical support for my six at-home children, and I devote myself totally to them, plus the few hours a week I have to work to supplement the child/spousal support. I just don’t have it in me to care for another child, which is pretty much what my mother ends up being.
There are lots more details about it, but I think my mother fears being forgotten, and if no one checks in for a couple hours, she creates a reason to call. It is sad that she must feel unloved, and I feel badly about that.
But, and this is the genesis of my question: I don’t think she is going to be satisfied no matter how much I do, but I probably could do a teeny bit more if I tried. How obligated am I to make that stretch? Does anyone here have a needy parent? How do you manage it?

 

[crenfro]

I try to call my mother when I can. She lives across the country from me. I do what I can to honor her without doing damage to myself or allowing her to abuse me. My relationship with my husband takes priority.

If you have six children, they need your attention. 79 & with all her faculties is good for your mother. Have you suggested therapy for her?

Praying for your older parents is a great way to honor them.

My 2 cents.

 

[angel12]

But, and this is the genesis of my question: I don’t think she is going to be satisfied no matter how much I do, but I probably could do a teeny bit more if I tried. How obligated am I to make that stretch? Does anyone here have a needy parent? How do you manage it?

Your first obligation is to your children. Do you have any siblings or other family who can help? Or maybe get a home health aide to come in on a regular schedule to check on her.
But your children have to come first.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Do you have siblings?

Have you discussed a plan?

It sounds as if your mom needs companionship. Could you move in together? That is how our family cares for elderly members, they move in with a younger member.

 

[exiled1]

I have one sister, and she does take most of the burden, as she has two teenagers, not the younger ones that I do.
I did suggest an in-law apt. a year ago, but she still wanted to be on her own, and I do hope she’s figuring out that she will only need us MORE, not less as time goes on.
As I mentioned, I’m tryng to balance honoring her, but still making sure her own interior issues don’t become a drain on my family.

 

[His_helpmeet]

Really, your mother sounds as if she should be screened for depression. Depression is a very common problem in seniors but it’s also very treatable.

It depends on the law in your jurisdiction, but generally, if your mother has competence to make her own decisions, it’s her right to live where she wants. That includes “living at risk” (i.e. living in a situation that may not be safe for her). That said, in your position I would be saying to her, “Mom, here is how much time I have to give you. That’s all I can do. If you want to keep your own place, that’s fine, but then you need to understand that there are limits to how I can help you.” You may find it helpful to contact the local seniors’ services in your area to find out if there is free or low-cost assistance she could access. Again, though, whether she decides to accept those services is up to her.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

But, and this is the genesis of my question: I don’t think she is going to be satisfied no matter how much I do,

Your mother is a narcissist. If she is in “fairly good health” and knows that you are essentially a sole caregiver to six children, then she should realize what a drain she is on you. But she doesn’t…so, you have to treat her as what she is. You don’t owe her anything beyond what you would consider satisfactory.

The only way to deal with a narcissist is boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries. If they’re lucky, they get access to you with boundaries. If they’re not, they get nothing.

 

[Rozellelily]

@1Lord1Faith

This seems very premature to make such a diagnosis over the internet.
Medical checkups and practitioners are not fool proof and have their limits and elderly people can still have symptoms of dizziness as early warning signs of impending stroke,Tia’s or due to escessive medications etc and have normal medical checkups.
Medical checkups usually cover only the very basics such as blood pressure,blood sugar,blood count and eyesight etc but in reality there are 10s of thousands of pathology tests and nobody-elderly or not-can have their health 100 % cleared by basic/yearly health checkups.

In addition,elderly people can sometimes have undiagnosed illnesses such as Anemia or Vitamin Deficiencies due to not having a varied diet or being without teeth to chew salad etc.

Op:who does your mum live with?It seems like loneliness may be part of the issue?
How often does she want you to ring?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?