Parent's economical responsibility

[argon091076]

I have a concern or rather something that makes me upset…

Recently my MIL, who I love because she is my DH mom and because she is a wonderful lady, had to have her new dentures done. The cost is about $1000.00, which we don’t have, but will work in acquiring, I mean she has to eat.
Anyhow, my DH has four sisters of which very rarely cooperate when it comes to my MIL. It just makes me very upset that they are buying stuff front and back, here and there, but when it comes to helping out their mother, they never have money.

We have to carry all the costs most of the time. The times that they have cooperated it has been because we keep asking them to see if they have the money already (to give them some sense of responsibility, too, after all its their mother, too.) and if so, they give us the money (their share) they give it to us almost unwillingly and begin complaining about this and that, they have to pay their bills, etc…

I don’t mind us helping my MIL, but I think its unfair for us to to have to be the ones to come up with the money all the time…

I need some advice as to how to take things.

Please. Anyone.

 

[Della]

Is there a way to get your MIL on Medicare or Medicaid?

As to your sisters-in-law helping to pay–of course they should help pay for their mother’s needs. It’s up to your DH to get them to ante up, even if they do complain. After all, you have bills to pay too!

 

[argon091076]

She has all sorts of health insurances including supplemental, however, I don’t think she has any dental insurance of any sort.

Other times that we have to come up with money for her is whenever she has other issues other than health. For instance, her boiler broke about a month ago. Then her car broke down, too that same month. There are other things that go on.

You are right, my DH needs to stand up for us. I would understand if they can not help out, but I know they can. One of them is always buying brand name clothes and expensive toys to her kids. She can teach them to give to others specially to their grandmother.

 

[Della]

She has all sorts of health insurances including supplemental, however, I don’t think she has any dental insurance of any sort.

Is it possible to get her dental insurance?

And haven’t you always wondered why teeth have to be insured separately from the rest of the human body? I have. :whacky:

Other times that we have to come up with money for her is whenever she has other issues other than health. For instance, her boiler broke about a month ago. Then her car broke down, too that same month. There are other things that go on.

Wouldn’t her house insurance and car insurance cover these things?

You are right, my DH needs to stand up for us. I would understand if they can not help out, but I know they can. One of them is always buying brand name clothes and expensive toys to her kids. She can teach them to give to others specially to their grandmother.

He certainly does! After all, his sisters are quick enough to find excuses not to do their duty by their own mother.

 

[argon091076]

No, I don’t know why dental is not together with the others…
Why is that?

She does have home insurance, however, the deductible is well over 1000.00 and when her boiler broke it cost about 300.00 to buy a new one and install.

The deductible is usually about 1% of the value of the home.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

Well I’m all for family taking care of family…

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Before I can comment on your sil’s …
**Why can’t your mother do these things? Is she beyond able to work physicaly and needing to rely on family? **

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Is it always a genuine need? For example, if she’s not working - she doesn’t need a car.

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There’s taking care of a family member and then there’s … well then there’s different views on what taking care of is. Is it only money that you want help with? Do they do anything other than money to help?

 

[argon091076]

She is 76 years old. Drives her own car. She is a very strong lady, however, she is widow and unfortunately, she is a big spender, but my DH does not want to understand this. I have told him before that if she would just cut her goings to the bingo she would save alot of money. His answer to this is that she is widow and that she has no one living with her and that she needs to get out otherwise she can get sick. She loves to be independent and drive herself anywhere she feels like going.

Another sad thing is that, for example, whenever she decides to make a party at her house, for Thanksgiving, etc…she ends up doing almost everything and when the party is over, everyone just takes off and I am left helping her clean up after everyone because out of the 4 DD she has, no one will stay to help out. They will do something very small and then leave. They hardly visit her and when they do its because they need something. It is sad, but I have told them and seems it comes in one ear and out the other…

 

[dulcissima]

Wouldn’t her house insurance and car insurance cover these things?

Homeowner’s insurance and automobile insurance are not designed to cover forseeable expenses like appliances wearing out or breaking or wear and tear. They are desinged to protect people from unforseeable large expenses like fire, theft, and natural disasters. These types of things would never be covered by a homeowners or a automobile insurance policy. The only type of coverage you can obtain for these types of losses is through an extended warranty.

 

[argon091076]

I have told my DH that he needs to stand up for his Mother and tell his sister to cooperate. His answer is that, if they don’t cooperate, it does not mean that we are not going to also. He says, I can’t do anything about it. I tell them and that is about all I can do. If they don’t contribute, well I can’t do anything force them or anything and it can just cause more problems.

I totally understand that if they dont help that by they not helping should not stop us, however, I still think that they are doing wrong and I don’t know how to make them understand and practice charity with their own Mother. The issue is with them and not with my MIL. I love my MIL. She is a wonderful lady.

 

[argon091076]

Rob’s wife,

I love your webpage, by the way…

It warms up my heart and makes me want to have more children…eight more to be exact (we have 2 boys)…or as many as God wants to give to us…

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

unfortunately, she is a big spender, but my DH does not want to understand this. I have told him before that if she would just cut her goings to the bingo she would save alot of money. His answer to this is that she is widow and that she has no one living with her and that she needs to get out otherwise she can get sick. She loves to be independent and drive herself anywhere she feels like going.

Okay. I agree with his sisters then. I would have a very hard time giving money to someone who is a “big spender”. If she can afford to be a big spender, then she can afford to spend that money on her own needs. If she’s lonely and unable to care for herself, then maybe what she really needs is to live with someone - a child’s family. She is not independent if she needs her children to support her. I’m not against her family supporting her, (in fact, I’m for it!) but they certainly are not obligated to help her afford bingo and be able to travel on her own.

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Another sad thing is that, for example, whenever she decides to make a party at her house, for Thanksgiving, etc…she ends up doing almost everything and when the party is over, everyone just takes off

To be fair, if she was able to do everything to make the party, she is probably capable of doing everything afterwards too.

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**This may be an issue of different outlooks. **I never allow people to clean in my home. I think it’s rude. I just set it all aside until they leave and enjoy their company. I invite them for company, conversation, and enjoyment. I do not invite them to do dishes and clean tables and floors. I don’t want to waste family time cleaning!

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If you feel a desire to do it, then fine and good. But I can completely understand them too. Does your mil complain about her daughters?

I have told my DH that he needs to stand up for his Mother and tell his sister to cooperate.

Nope. If your dh wants to be generous in support of her lifestyle, that’s his option, but that doesn’t make it his sister’s obligation to do it too. It sounds to me like this isn’t so much about the daughter’s not willing to support, but a difference of what to support and when to do it.

Rob’s wife,

I love your webpage, by the way…

It warms up my heart and makes me want to have more children…eight more to be exact (we have 2 boys)…or as many as God wants to give to us…

**Thank you very much. **

 

[ecp007]

Another sad thing is that, for example, whenever she decides to make a party at her house, for Thanksgiving, etc…she ends up doing almost everything and when the party is over, everyone just takes off and I am left helping her clean up after everyone because out of the 4 DD she has, no one will stay to help out. They will do something very small and then leave. They hardly visit her and when they do its because they need something. It is sad, but I have told them and seems it comes in one ear and out the other…

Why are you viewing your charitableness as victemhood? If you choose to help, be happy and proud of that. Ignore the actions of others, you may not see what they do do, or give in private. Give what you can give, be proud of yourself for sacrificial giving. God sees what you do and will reward you. Your SILs may learn by example, or not. Their actions are not your business.

 

[KCT]

Can you tell her you’re happy to help out and you can manage $X amount per year. After that offer to help her get a budget together. Or let her ask her other children for help. —KCT

 

[argon091076]

Why are you viewing your charitableness as victemhood? If you choose to help, be happy and proud of that. Ignore the actions of others, you may not see what they do do, or give in private. Give what you can give, be proud of yourself for sacrificial giving. God sees what you do and will reward you. Your SILs may learn by example, or not. Their actions are not your business.

Well, it feels like if they don’t have to because we always do…I sometimes feel that we are the dumb ones in the sense that we help her out and because of that, they lay back and relax. The bad thing is that if we hold back in helping her (for which we eventually end up helping her out), they wont help that way either. I just don’t see it fair that she is always there for all her DC but not all are there for her when she needs it.

 

[argon091076]

Can you tell her you’re happy to help out and you can manage $X amount per year. After that offer to help her get a budget together. Or let her ask her other children for help. —KCT

Yes, I am happy to help her out. In fact, whenever I can’t help her out enough, like I wish I could (because I am either ill or just got to go do something else) I feel bad for not helping out enough and apologize to her.

We have thought about moving out of town. I can just imagine how she will be if we leave.

The bad thing is that we have sat down with her to make a budget, but she is still tight. I have thought about suggesting to her to sell her 2000 sq ft. two story home (she lives alone, widow) so that she can maybe buy a condo (where she does not need to hire a gardener) to save money. My husband says that if we tell her that and she does it, that he thinks that she won’t live much longer, given that she has lived there for over 50 years now. He thinks that she will just grow sad and eventually become ill because of it. He says she has all her memories there.

 

[Rob_s_Wife]

I just don’t see it fair

I’m sure you are aware of this, but life is not fair.

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We have thought about moving out of town. I can just imagine how she will be if we leave.

My husband says that if we tell her that and she does it, that he thinks that she won’t live much longer, given that she has lived there for over 50 years now. He thinks that she will just grow sad and eventually become ill because of it. He says she has all her memories there.

Again…
The problem doesn’t appear to be money. It appears to be loneliness. She should have more than an empty house of cold memories. If he wants her to have a longer life - Give her a life that is making memories. Either getting out and about on her own in a more affordable home or by living with family and getting out with family/church.

 

[BlestOne]

OK I have to go off topic for a sec…really!
Rob's Wife:

This may be an issue of different outlooks. I never allow people to clean in my home. I think it’s rude. I just set it all aside until they leave and enjoy their company. I invite them for company, conversation, and enjoyment. I do not invite them to do dishes and clean tables and floors. I don’t want to waste family time cleaning!

I don’t think we have to ask if you are a Martha or a Mary do we? Hahahaha!!! I love it!!! Martha you are so refreshing!

Now back on topic:

argon091076:

I have thought about suggesting to her to sell her 2000 sq ft. two story home (she lives alone, widow) so that she can maybe buy a condo (where she does not need to hire a gardener) to save money.

I would say it is a budgeting problem not a money problem based on this. A gardener can be quite expensive. I can only dream about living in a 2000 sq ft house with 4 kids…we have a 1200 sq ft house.

 

[ecp007]

I sometimes feel that we are the dumb ones in the sense that we help her out and because of that, they lay back and relax. The bad thing is that if we hold back in helping her (for which we eventually end up helping her out), they wont help that way either.

Why do you judge your own actions by what others do or not? How could you knowingly help someone, and then call yourselves “dumb”? I call you charitable. I think you would be dumb if you saw your MIL in need, and you didn’t help.

Now, what the right way to “help” is can be debated, and other posters have given you many good ideas including budgeting, downsizing, taking over bills, etc, etc, etc…

I just don’t see it fair that she is always there for all her DC but not all are there for her when she needs it.

Correct! Life is not now, and never has been fiar. Trying to find fairness in life is going to frustrate you to no end.

 

[argon091076]

Thank you to all!

I feel much better now…

 

[jazzbaby1]

You are right, my DH needs to stand up for us. I would understand if they can not help out, but I know they can. One of them is always buying brand name clothes and expensive toys to her kids. She can teach them to give to others specially to their grandmother.

I know I’m chiming in late on this, but I really feel the need to say this. You don’t have any idea what your SsIL can afford because you’re not in charge of the money in their homes. I buy my kids name brand clothes because they last longer – my three kids have each worn a couple of pairs of Old Navy jeans, for example. Were they more expensive? Yes, initially. However, I only had to buy them once. That’s good stewardship in my book. As parents their first responsibilty is to their children. Your MIL needs to give up the bingo and the house – and you and your DH need to give up the sentimental notion that “poor old mom” just doesn’t have anything. She has assets. A gardner? If she can afford to pay a gardner, then she should be able to afford her own dentures. It’s nice that DH and you have been willing to help her up to now, but there’s a point where “help” becomes “enabling.” It is not your DH’s or yours or your SsIL’s responsibility to pay for her NEEDS when she is unwilling to let go of her WANTS. I don’t want to come off as harsh and I will keep your family in my prayers.