Planning a seperate civil union and convalidation?

[LemonMeringue]

My boyfriend and I have been cohabiting for about 2 years now. (I know, I know.) He moved away from his family/hometown/job/friends to follow me a few states away while I complete my undergraduate degrees. I got into graduate school abroad (yay!) and we want to emmigrate together. We didn’t plan on getting married and starting a family until I got my Ph.D. but bringing a dependent ‘partner’ as opposed to a spouse is … difficult where possible at all. And with Brexit coming up, those laws can change and all of our research may be moot as soon as a few months from now.
We decided to get married early. needless to say, planning a wedding in 6 months including his RCIA and marriage prep is already a task before considering our absent budget and the attention I need to pay to my final semester of undergrad.
After speaking with our campus Chaplin, he recommended that we get a civil union before our visa applications and plan a convalidation ceremony down the road.
The question: What is it to be Catholic and living in a non-convalidated marriage? Even temporarily? Is it just the same as cohabitation? How would this change the ‘real’ wedding we planned on having? And secondarily; how do we explain to our atheist families what we are doing/ that we are not robbing of them of watching their babies get married? I don’t want them to make a big, or even medium, deal out of the civil union when it doesn’t carry much weight to me.

 

[LML]

This is a weighty question that is best answered by your parish pastor or other priest or deacon…I fear the answers here might prove confusing and not definitive, even if we CAF followers answer with all good intentions.

 

[TheLittleLady]

RCIA is not required for marriage. There is paperwork to allow you to marry a non-Catholic Christian or non-Christian.

Why a chaplain would advise something that is sinful (attempting marriage outside of the Church) is a head scratcher.

 

[1ke]

needless to say, planning a wedding in 6 months including his RCIA and marriage prep is already a task before considering our absent budget and the attention I need to pay to my final semester of undergrad.

You don’t need a big budget (you just need a priest/deacon and two witnesses) and he doesn’t need RCIA in order to get married in the Church.

He can complete RCIA any time.

After speaking with our campus Chaplin, he recommended that we get a civil union before our visa applications and plan a convalidation ceremony down the road.

It’s disturbing that a Catholic chaplain would give such advice.

What is it to be Catholic and living in a non-convalidated marriage? Even temporarily? Is it just the same as cohabitation?

You would be in an invalid marriage. While legally married, you are not married in the Church.

How would this change the ‘real’ wedding we planned on having?

That depends on the priest who will officiate. And, you will still have to go through premarital preparation before convalidation.

And secondarily; how do we explain to our atheist families what we are doing/ that we are not robbing of them of watching their babies get married?

Again, you don’t have to have a big wedding in order to have witnesses/family at your marriage ceremony.

 

[Clementine14]

I get that wedding planning is stressful, but why is it so impossible that you wouldn’t just get married in the Catholic church to begin with?

I think we make things work when we want to. If you really want to marry him- and not just for financial reasons- it doesn’t have to take a lot of time or cost a lot to marry in the church. If you think the time isn’t right because there are things you want to accomplish first, but you want the financial benefits of being a spouse, then a legal marriage would accomplish that, but isn’t the right thing to do. I think you need to decide how important it is to have a Catholic marriage.

 

[LemonMeringue]

We know RCIA isn’t required, but it is something he wants to do. Our chaplain suggested this based on the timing constraints - it takes at least 6 months for marriage preparation and there isn’t enough time before we leave. The concern is immigration rather than finances.

 

[1ke]

In my experience, trying to circumvent and short change church teaching and church requirements on marriage do not usually end well. I suggest that you reevaluate your plan to move together abroad if it requires either cohabitating without marriage or marrying outside the church.

I would encourage both of you to start putting the church as more of a priority and consider your living arrangements rather than trying to find a way around marriage requirements.

I understand it might be disappointing, and I understand that right now you are very excited about this abroad opportunity. But marriage is for life and if you are trying to move up marriage because you think you’ll “miss” an exciting opportunity without it, then I think something is wrong.

The other option would be to look at domestic graduate school options, and put off going abroad until another time. Staying together in the United States in order to complete premarital preparation and get married. I don’t think the chaplain was doing you any favors by trying to problem solve ways you could shortchange the church requirements in favor of moving abroad together on your graduate school adventure.

Edited to correct speech to text- I have a cold and it clearly doesn’t understand me!!

 

[1ke]

So I guess my advice boils down to put the church first, and arrange everything else to align with that.

That’s what I do, and it hasn’t let me down yet.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

What is it to be Catholic and living in a non-convalidated marriage?

I can’t give a definitive answer for your situation. Your pastor will be able to answer this question better.

I believe that it would be (objectively) a sin of grave matter for you because you’re Catholic. For your non-Catholic spouse, it wouldn’t be a sin, because he’s not obligated to get married in the Church.

As for your other questions, I don’t think convalidations or sanations come with a Church wedding. So if you want a “real wedding” after your convalidation, it going to be at the community center, not a church. Just something to think about.

 

[1ke]

I don’t think convalidations or sanations come with a Church wedding

Well, no. A convalidation is either a simple convalidation (which is exchange of consent in Catholic form) or radical sanation (which makes the original exchange of consent valid). In the case of simple convalidation, it IS the “Church wedding”.

That means consent is exchanged before a priest and two witnesses in the parish, preferably in the context of a mass if it involves two Catholics. So, no it would not take place in a community center. And there is no such thing as a “real wedding” after a convalidation because that IS the “real wedding”. Your statement is confusing.

Whether that new exchange of consent also entails a big white dress, groomsmen and bridesmaids, guests, a mass, music, etc, depends on many factors including the prudential judgment of the priest.

Radical sanation has no new exchange of consent, so in that sense, there is no other ceremony other than the original civil one.

But in either case-- radical sanation or convalidation-- the couple can follow up with a reception, cake, first dance, and all of the typical wedding fanfare.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

And there is no such thing as a “real wedding” after a convalidation because that IS the “real wedding”. Your statement is confusing.

Whether that new exchange of consent also entails a big white dress, groomsmen and bridesmaids, guests, a mass, music, etc, depends on many factors including the prudential judgment of the priest.

I assumed that she wants this ^ traditional type of ceremony whether the priest gives the okay for it to happen in the church or not. The reason I assumed that was because she indicated that their families would be disappointed not to see them in a traditional wedding ceremony. She also indicated that they were planning a ceremony, presumably a traditional church ceremony before all this happened.

I would just also assume that a parish priest is not going to do that, and the “real wedding”,or I guess you would call it a “fake wedding”, would be at the community center, with reception to follow.

 

[dollysro]

Is your chaplain catholic?
Did he mention that a convalidation is not a slam dunk, but rather something you have to request and wait for approval on?

 

[JMMJ]

Sounds like you are dealing with immigration issues that many who are responding here don’t have a grasp on. I would follow the advice of your chaplain. Get married civilly. If you are a practicing Catholic, don’t have anymore sex until your marriage can be convalidated in the Church.

As for disappointing your family, give them the choice. Come to the civil ceremony, come to the convalidation, or come to both. Explain to them it is just how it is. Don’t hide who you are (Catholic) from them. Obviously, they know the Church has certain requirements. Make sure they are aware you intend to meet those requirements.

 

[dollysro]

I deal with immigration issues almost daily at work and most have to do with grad students.
Bringing an OQA with you is easier done in many other countries than in the US.
Still not sure if OP is looking for the big party wedding or to get married…

 

[JMMJ]

What is an OQA?

 

[TheLittleLady]

The OP would be best advised to speak to Catholic Charities at their Diocese. They understand and work with Immigration issues, most have a specific Immigration Specialist.

 

[JMMJ]

Good advice!