Possible engagement BUT noticing something

[perez639]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a decent amount of time (about a year and a half) and we both think there is the possibility of marrying one day, but there is something that came up the other day that bothered me to the point where I am rethinking everything.

He was visiting his family for the holidays and was asked to go “hang-out” by an old female friend he has known since high school. One I have started noticing that calls him frequently whenever a college break is near. She simply wants to “hang-out” but I suspect there is something there. The two were planning to go see a movie a few nights ago, just the two of them and this really bothered me. I mean isn’t that a date? I realize the two are friends and have a developed type of relationship that involved the two spending a great deal of time together BUT that was before I was in the picture. I hadn’t paid attention to their hanging out much before mostly because I didnt ever pay attention to who was calling him but am intimidated now that I am noticing her calling and persistance to hanging out with him. The only reason Iknow about this incident is because he was in a way asking me for permission. I told him to do what he wants, but was very upset.

I want to know if I am over-reacting but it is something he is doing that I never would consider doing. Am I too traditional on how I think about this matter? I consider myself seriously with him but now doubt if he thinks the same…

I hope i explained things decently clear enough without writing a novel!

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[Jennifer_J]

I think you need to talk to him about this --not confront, but communicate your feelings about this issue. He may not realize it bothers you, after all he can’t read your mind. At the least, he should refrain from socializing alone with this young lady, if he’s serious about your relationship.

God bless,
Jennifer

 

[KathleenElsie]

We all have lives prior to marriage. I know I did and so did my husband. We had friends of both sexes. We dated others for a time.

But, once we made the commitment to marriage we no longer put ourselves into that “near occasion of sin” with others alone. If we were with those we cared about prior to our commitment we did it as a threesome or foursome.

 

[Tietjen]

I want to know if I am over-reacting but it is something he is doing that I never would consider doing. Am I too traditional on how I think about this matter? I consider myself seriously with him but now doubt if he thinks the same…

I hope i explained things decently clear enough without writing a novel!

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

I don’t think that you’re over-reacting, but then again I am considered too “traditional” by most. Here’s a possible solution… Ask him if he would mind if you tagged a long on these “hang-outs.” If both he and the female friend from the past are nothing more than school chums, there shouldn’t be a problem. In fact, she (the chum) should completely be cool with the idea (as should he) since 3 friends spending time together can certainly have more fun than 2 in a social setting. This possible solution also helps to prevent something that maybe innocent today from turning into something not so innocent tomorrow. Just my :twocents: . God bless.

 

[journey137]

I have a male friend from high school and while we don’t talk a whole lot (different cities for college) when we are back home for a break we generally get together and do something. If his girlfriend wants to come along or if my boyfriend wants to come along, we make it a double date. Otherwise it’s just like a brother and sister going to the movies or whatever. He even calls me his little sis. Definately ask your boyfriend what kind of relationship he has with this other girl instead of worrying over it. It could be harmless or it could not be, but you won’t know until you ask.

 

[perez639]

I think you need to talk to him about this --not confront, but communicate your feelings about this issue. He may not realize it bothers you, after all he can’t read your mind. At the least, he should refrain from socializing alone with this young lady, if he’s serious about your relationship.

God bless,
Jennifer

He is well aware that it bothers me but it appears that we both see the issue in a different light. He sees it that he is bored because he literally lives in the mountains and I live in the city so he wants to hangout and maintian their friendly catchup time whenever they can. Thats why I am worried though, its like he doesn’t mind being alone with this girl or he thinks it shouldn’t bother me.

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[perez639]

But, once we made the commitment to marriage we no longer put ourselves into that “near occasion of sin” with others alone. If we were with those we cared about prior to our commitment we did it as a threesome or foursome.

I agree with this statement completely. Before one is even engaged and even when they become engaged is a time of discernment. There is just something that doesnt seem quite right. I dont even know if i can explain it in words. Maybe its our ages. A matuity thing. Sometimes I get the impression that guys are more oblivious to signals girls give when they have feelings for a guy. From what my bf has told me there are a lot of signs that this girl has deep feelings for him.
Its also like he likes the attention he continues to get from her.

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[mariam1976]

i am sorry this is one of the major issues that i had with my husband and i would strongly suggest that u rethink this whole thing if he is saying that he is bored and wants to catch up with her when he is in the “moutains”.
If he is seriously cares about u and knows that it bothers u, then he should be willing to cut it out. People would call me traditional too but i honestly believe that it is not good for him to be meeting up with this girl even though u have expressed ur feelings. Believe me, this will come up often in the marriage and it is a matter of putting your spouse’s feelings in front of ur friend.
After all, would you not be willing to do the same if you thought that it would hurt his feelings?
And if he gives you the answer that he would be fine with it, then I would say that shows that he just does not care enough to begin with.
Just my :twocents: take it or leave it
If he is considering marriage, then he needs to take a serious look at the concept of “leave and cleave” and that means everyone not just parents!!!

 

[perez639]

I don’t think that you’re over-reacting, but then again I am considered too “traditional” by most. Here’s a possible solution… Ask him if he would mind if you tagged a long on these “hang-outs.” If both he and the female friend from the past are nothing more than school chums, there shouldn’t be a problem. In fact, she (the chum) should completely be cool with the idea (as should he) since 3 friends spending time together can certainly have more fun than 2 in a social setting. This possible solution also helps to prevent something that maybe innocent today from turning into something not so innocent tomorrow. Just my :twocents: . God bless.

That’s also something I would love to try but it would mean a 3 hr communte one way just to hang out with the two of them. I dont want to seem like a stalker or controlling gf. My biggest beef is that he doesnt seem to understand why this situation is bothering me. Its uncomfortable for me and I made sure to pay little heed to it in the beginning because we were not as serious and in the end he is a free man.

 

[journey137]

Ugg, if he knows your feelings and is totally disregarding them, I’d definately say that’s trouble. He would not put a friend’s feelings in front of a (potential) wife’s feelings if he really cared about the wife. If he’s too immature to see the pain he’s causing and rectify the situation, then imho he’s too immature to marry. Definately reconsider.

 

[keri6789]

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! I know exactly how you feel. My x thought it was ok for him to “hang out” with old high school friends…and for a while I didn’t care. But once they start being more important than you thats when everything goes wrong. If you tell him how you feel and he just dismisses your feelings you need to do some hard thinking. You can also look at it this way…IF you decide to end this it will be alot easier now than when you are 10 years down the road with kids and you have to leave then. You don’t want to stay with someone who you think might at some time be unfaithful. There is alot more to my story…if you would like to talk more about this pm me! I’ll be glad to talk to you!! Sometimes its easier to talk to someone who has been done the same road!

 

[mariam1976]

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! I know exactly how you feel. My x thought it was ok for him to “hang out” with old high school friends…and for a while I didn’t care. But once they start being more important than you thats when everything goes wrong. If you tell him how you feel and he just dismisses your feelings you need to do some hard thinking. You can also look at it this way…IF you decide to end this it will be alot easier now than when you are 10 years down the road with kids and you have to leave then. You don’t want to stay with someone who you think might at some time be unfaithful. There is alot more to my story…if you would like to talk more about this pm me! I’ll be glad to talk to you!! Sometimes its easier to talk to someone who has been done the same road!

my feelings exactly… my ex was the same too… when I felt told him that I did not like it, he said you shoudl have just told me (I told him after the fact) but the next time I told him before, he just plain ignored me and went ahead and did it anyways and to add insult to injury, stood outside with his friends and discussed the whole thing with them before coming in for the party… showing me very clearly whose feelings he cared about more… so think long and hard before you take the big step of marriage as this is a huge WARNING sign!!!

 

[perez639]

I have a male friend from high school and while we don’t talk a whole lot (different cities for college) when we are back home for a break we generally get together and do something. If his girlfriend wants to come along or if my boyfriend wants to come along, we make it a double date. Otherwise it’s just like a brother and sister going to the movies or whatever. He even calls me his little sis. Definately ask your boyfriend what kind of relationship he has with this other girl instead of worrying over it. It could be harmless or it could not be, but you won’t know until you ask.

Well at first thats the kind of relationship I thought the two had. The other weird thing is they take turns paying for each others outtings. I think i can trust him, but its the girl that worries me. She seems to be the one making the moves. Calling him, planning their outtings. Sometimes he does not answer her calls but she will call several times even after that.

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[StratusRose]

I mostly have guy friends and we hang out alone from time to time. I am not interested in them romantically, at all. My fiance is totally ok with me hanging out with them because he trusts me. How long have you been dating this guy? Maybe he is disregarding your feelings because he doesn’t feel romantic feelings toward this gal. Then again, I’m just an outsider looking in. So take this post at face value. Perhaps there is a trust issue there? It took me a long time for me to trust my fiance fully…

 

[perez639]

People would call me traditional too but i honestly believe that it is not good for him to be meeting up with this girl even though u have expressed ur feelings. QUOTE]

Yes, I agree completely, isnt it a little inappropriate to be going to the movies? They both live in the mountains yet when the hang out they manage to find a way out of the mountains. Likie go on a causal date in the nearest city.

Its a sad thing though, he seems like the perfect guy except for this thing. We are both devout Catholics, are getting close to graduating college, etc. i thought we had the same old fashioned frame of mind when it came to this particular issue but I guess not.

Is there any way I can help to fix this? Or does it simply have to come from him?

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[Karianne]

He is well aware that it bothers me but it appears that we both see the issue in a different light. He sees it that he is bored because he literally lives in the mountains and I live in the city so he wants to hangout and maintian their friendly catchup time whenever they can. Thats why I am worried though, its like he doesn’t mind being alone with this girl or he thinks it shouldn’t bother me.

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

You are right to be worried. If he is really in love with you he wouldn’t want to hang with another woman, after all, engagements are the time when folks should still be walking on air!
If your instincts are sniffing out that the girl may have designs on him you’re probably absolutely correct. If she didn’t, she would have asked BOTH of you to hang with her, not just him.
Please reconsider this relationship and your engagement. He’s just not ready.

 

[Karianne]

my feelings exactly… my ex was the same too… when I felt told him that I did not like it, he said you shoudl have just told me (I told him after the fact) but the next time I told him before, he just plain ignored me and went ahead and did it anyways and to add insult to injury, stood outside with his friends and discussed the whole thing with them before coming in for the party… showing me very clearly whose feelings he cared about more… so think long and hard before you take the big step of marriage as this is a huge WARNING sign!!!

I totally agree. At this time, the girl’s feelings should be his first consideration, not his so-called “pal”. I think that the other girl likes the guy and wants him, or at least she doesn’t want him to be engaged to someone else (dog in the manger type thing).
The guy has to make a choice. If he doesn’t choose his fiancee she should break it off.

 

[mariam1976]

also, the way i look at it is that you have nothing for/against the girl. It is him you should be worried about. Remember that there will always be girls around your guy. But you have to be able to trust him as there will always be untrustworthy girls around who will want what u have.
So it does not matter whether her intentions are good or not, he is obviously not that into you and like someone said, the engagement period is when most guys are willing to do almost anything for their girl, and if he is this way at this time, it will only get worse…
This is not a small issue like u might be thinking of right now ( I made the same mistake of thinking so but this was one of the key factors for my marriage breaking up ) so be FOREWARNED!!!

 

[perez639]

my feelings exactly… my ex was the same too… when I felt told him that I did not like it, he said you shoudl have just told me (I told him after the fact) but the next time I told him before, he just plain ignored me and went ahead and did it anyways and to add insult to injury, stood outside with his friends and discussed the whole thing with them before coming in for the party… showing me very clearly whose feelings he cared about more… so think long and hard before you take the big step of marriage as this is a huge WARNING sign!!!

Talk about de ja vu!! At this moment he is upset that I am upset and has been consulting all of his close buds.I think they are all gonna get drunk and party tonight because of it. Talk about hurtful. i dont understand men. I dont even know how all this blew up. Maybe I should just stay away from men my age and look into older men (I am almost 21 and he is 22), but I really dont want this relationship to end. Its making me look like a psycho or smtg…

Peace be with you all

Regis University Student

 

[mariam1976]

Talk about de ja vu!! At this moment he is upset that I am upset and has been consulting all of his close buds.I think they are all gonna get drunk and party tonight because of it. Talk about hurtful. i dont understand men. I dont even know how all this blew up. Maybe I should just stay away from men my age and look into older men (I am almost 21 and he is 22), but I really dont want this relationship to end. Its making me look like a psycho or smtg…

Peace be with you all

Regis University Student

please dont think about this as a matter of age. My ex was 33 when we got married… he was still not mature even to understand this concept. At the same time guys who were 5-6 years younger than him, knew and understood this concept far better…
Dont care about what other people think… If you care about what they think, remember they will not be the ones going through the pain years down the line…
May God give you the strength to make the right decision.