Prohibition on marriage

[Soontobebride]

First, please be nice in your replies, I’m already feeling like the Church hates me and I’m sad that I feel this way. I know it’s so that the Church can protect the Sacrament and make sure I don’t get in another bad marriage but I feel as though I’m being punished.
My past marriage was abusive and I was honest in the paperwork and said I was trying to make it work anyway and somehow, without talking to me, a counselor decided I have an impediment to marriage.
Fast forward 10+ years and I’m trying to get married again and I find out I can’t. So I feel like the Church is blaming me for the abusive situation.

 

[1ke]

If your decree of nullity included a prohibition, that doesn’t typically mean the individual is barred from contracting a new marriage forever. It typically means that the person must meet with a tribunal representative and discuss the situation that, at the time of the decree, concerned the tribunal. After this length of time, an interview should be able to clear up the concerns.

No one here can really speak to what transpired 10 years ago with your decree of nullity, so I’d encourage you to talk to the tribunal and conduct the interview so that you can move forward. The Church isn’t blaming you for anything. These sorts of stipulations are generally meant to help the person.

If you believe you need assistance with your rights under canon law you can contact The St Joseph Foundation, https://stjosephcanonlaw.com.

 

[Soontobebride]

The priest contacted them and found out that a simple interview will not work. I’m devastated. I feel as though I have to choose between the Church and my soon to be husband who is also Catholic.
Do we split up and stay in the Church to protect our souls or stay together and disobey the Church. Or the third option, go on the hunt for a priest willing to marry us and have a valid yet illicit marriage which will make us both feel awful.
We’ve been attempting to do everything right, long dating time, long engagement, not doing martial acts prior to marriage etc all for what…sorry but I am just so sad because how can a counselor make the determination that I have some secret impediment which is vague and not have even talked to me?
I love the Church but I feel as though the Church has put me in a position of failure.

 

[1ke]

Do we split up and stay in the Church to protect our souls or stay together and disobey the Church. Or the third option, go on the hunt for a priest willing to marry us and have a valid yet illicit marriage which will make us both feel awful.

Well, marrying invalidly isn’t an option, and I doubt you’d find a priest to marry you illicitly. As for breaking up, I would not put it into those extremes. There may be a delay, but I am sure this isn’t an insurmountable obstacle.

You should contact the tribunal, find out what you need to do, and if you have concerns about your canonical rights, please contact the St Joseph Foundation.

 

[Soontobebride]

I have contacted them, to this day I still don’t know what the issue is. I don’t know why it has to be some giant secret. I did just read that the eastern orthodox allow second marriages…and I know they are valid orders…although illicit.

 

[Joe_5859]

I understand why that’s frustrating not to be told what the issue is. I didn’t realize they kept it secret sometimes. I just had someone in RCIA go through something similar and our diocesan tribunal office did tell her what the issue was.

Just because your prohibition includes a caveat about counseling doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a lengthy thing. One or two meetings with a counselor might suffice. You might even ask the Tribunal office for some help finding someone.

 

[1ke]

I have contacted them, to this day I still don’t know what the issue is. I don’t know why it has to be some giant secret.

It isn’t a secret and should not be kept from you. And if you are not getting the answers you need, then I suggest you reach out to St Joseph Foundation for help. There isn’t anything that we here at CAF can do to help resolve this.

I did just read that the eastern orthodox allow second marriages…and I know they are valid orders…although illicit.

They are not necessarily valid. The EO do not have the same concept of a decree of nullity. They are allowing divorce and remarriage, so that is not the same as a valid though illicit marriage.

And, moreover, you are not EO so what they do doesn’t really apply here.

 

[TheLittleLady]

There would be a letter that was sent to you when the original decree was issued. A copy is in your file.

Call the Tribunal office and ask for a copy.

 

[Soontobebride]

My annulment was granted with a warning but it doesn’t say. Anytime I’ve contacted them its treated as a big secret.
As far as the orthodox church, it would be valid as they are validly ordained and I’m free to marry with a warning and apparently a billion yards of red tape so it would simply be illicit.
Not that I want to leave my church but I dont think I have much choice as I’m set up for failure here.
Since there is nothing catholic answers can do as you say, I’m sorry for bothering you all. I’ll research on my own how to leave the church and figure this out. Sorry again.

 

[Elf01]

@acanonlawyer how can somebody find out about an impediment?

 

[1ke]

My annulment was granted with a warning but it doesn’t say. Anytime I’ve contacted them its treated as a big secret.

I’m very sorry you’ve continued to have a problem. I really do encourage you to contact St Joseph Foundation, as they have canon lawyers you can work with.

As far as the orthodox church, it would be valid as they are validly ordained and I’m free to marry with a warning and apparently a billion yards of red tape so it would simply be illicit.

However, you cannot marry in the EO unless you leave the Catholic Church and become EO-- and that is a MUCH bigger deal than simply having an illicit marriage. That is formally entering schism.

Since there is nothing catholic answers can do as you say, I’m sorry for bothering you all.

You aren’t bothering us. I know you want a solution, but unfortunately we don’t have the information that your tribunal has. You should be able to get your documents. You should be given a path to resolution of any prohibition placed on your remarriage. And, again, i would recommend you work with a canon lawyer who can help with your rights if you aren’t getting what you need from the people at your tribunal or the tribunal that adjudicated the case.

I’ll research on my own how to leave the church and figure this out. Sorry again.

Please don’t leave the Church. That isn’t the solution.

 

[acanonlawyer]

how can somebody find out about an (name removed by moderator)ediment?

There are two different terms you might find–a “warning” (monitum) and a “prohibition” (vetitum). These things might simply be announced on a Sentence (and/or the mere notification of a Sentence) with boilerplate lingo such as “A vetitum has been placed in your case. Contact the tribunal for further information.” Why it was issued will depend on the particulars of the case. How it can be addressed will also vary from case to case.

It should really not be that difficult to find out, from someone in authority at the tribunal what (precisely) needs to be done but I am not all that surprised that it is not clear and/or it is not being made clear.

I would say to someone like the OP: what is needed is not persistence in figuring out how to leave the Church but how to navigate this roadblock. You are not alone. It can be done. The priest you are working with in marital preparation also needs to get up to speed on this since he is the one who needs to make sure that nothing stands in the way of a valid and licit wedding.

Dan

 

[Soontobebride]

It simply says a caution was placed. I dont know anymore than that.

 

[Anicette]

Or the third option, go on the hunt for a priest willing to marry us and have a valid yet illicit marriage which will make us both feel awful.

It won’t happened. No priest would do that. Don’t try this, the priest would be punished. And it would not be a valid marriage because you cannot contract a maariage.

 

[Trishie]

@edward_george1
please Father, if possible, can you guide this person to any degree?
Thank you Father

 

[dollysro]

Hi, sorry you are going through this but don’t feel defeated. I know what you are going through. I was fortunate to have former classmate’s aunt who took on my case as she was a canon lawyer. She was relentless (more than even I would have been!).
She was able to find that I was required to meet with a psychiatrist (not psychologist) which I did begrudgingly. It was one of the most painful and rewarding experiences of my life. He declared me a “champion” which I never saw myself as.
Try not to get discouraged if you can. Come here to vent and ask. The passive aggressive gets no one any where.
Let us know how it’s going.
You too are a champion!

 

[edward_george1]

There’s not a lot I have to add beyond the excellent guidance already given by @1ke, who tends to be very knowledgeable about these things, and @acanonlawyer, who’s, well, a Canon Lawyer.

I would advise the OP, as others have, to work the problem, don’t see it as an insurmountable obstacle. Be patient and trust the process. I promise you that that will be the more rewarding path. It will teach you far more about who you are and what you’re made of, and ultimately will bring you closer to God. If you choose a workaround, the easy way out, you may get what you want in the near term, but this will not be what’s good for you. I work for the Church, of course, and there are times when this is beyond annoying, even positively devastating. But I’d rather bear the pain and have the truth, than flee the truth to avoid the pain. In the end, the pain of fleeing the truth will be far worse than the pain of living it out.

You are in my prayers.

-Fr ACEGC

 

[Soontobebride]

Devastating is the correct term. I even tried to get the reasons today after Mass (early Mass since nobody would really be around) and still wasnt given the reasons.
I prayed after communion today that I would accept whatever the church thinks is wrong with me in humility and then told God I was sorry…sorry for looking for loopholes and sorry for having something wrong with me…but I still couldn’t get answers.
I set up counseling for next week but I have no idea what to tell him that I need help with.
I just don’t understand how my being hit and treated bad is my fault…unless I’m to believe my ex (when everytime he beat me he said it was my fault)

 

[TheLittleLady]

I even tried to get the reasons today after Mass (early Mass since nobody would really be around) and still wasnt given the reasons.

After Mass is a very busy time for priests.

In the US the offices will be closed tomorrow.

Call on Tuesday and make an appointment. Call the Tribunal office and make a phone or sykpe appointment. This is not a “hurried conversation after Mass” sort of talk, and sometimes priests do not feel comfortable talking about these things. If the Tribunal will not meet with you, call the group the the St Joseph Foundation.

 

[Allegra]

Maybe its more of a case that the tribunal recognized that you were psychologically effected by the abuse you suffered and felt you need to see a counselor prior to getting into a second attempt at marriage while still carrying baggage from the first? Only a guess though. I’ve never heard of such a situation before this thread.