Seriously Need Relationship Advice

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Hello,

As some of you may, or may not, have read my other posts I’ve previously made about my relationship, I need help again.

A little background is… I’m dating someone that is illegally here in the United States, she’s from Mexico. She has brought me back to my faith, I cannot thank her enough for that. We’ve been together for a little over 10 months now and I really thought I could see myself marrying this girl up until about a week ago when all of a sudden someone suggested to me that she was only using me for a U.S. citizenship.

I have thought more and more about what he said and the reasons he gave (he knows both of us well). I really have got this stuck in my head that she is just using me, and it’s making the relationship fall apart, and she says she isn’t, I want to trust her but it’s so difficult when the reasons that she IS using me outweigh the reasons she ISN’T using me.

The first and foremost reason I believe she is using me is the fact that she hasn’t learned a lick of English in the 10+ months we have been together. Although, I’m greatful that I have had the opportunity to learn Spanish but it’s really difficult that the COUNTLESS times I have asked her to learn English and the COUNTLESS times she has promised me she would, have all failed.

The other reason is the fact that ever since then I’ve mentioned the fact that she could possibly be using me, she has ceased talking to me, she won’t just tell me something out of the blue, I have to pry it out of her.

Other than these 2 main reasons, this girl is perfect for me, she doesn’t do drugs, is willing to work, doesn’t care about money, agrees with every church teaching, wants a large family, the list goes on. But the fact that I think she’s using me is really getting to me, it’s like… maybe she’s so perfect just because she is wanting something from me… It’s difficult and complicated, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. Thanks and God bless!

Andrew
 
I would keep praying and ask the Lord to remove the nagging feeling if she is the woman He intends for you. However, if she is not the woman for you for the Lord to make it clear.

God Bless
 
abb said:
Hello,

As some of you may, or may not, have read my other posts I’ve previously made about my relationship, I need help again.

A little background is… I’m dating someone that is illegally here in the United States, she’s from Mexico. She has brought me back to my faith, I cannot thank her enough for that. We’ve been together for a little over 10 months now and I really thought I could see myself marrying this girl up until about a week ago when all of a sudden someone suggested to me that she was only using me for a U.S. citizenship.

I have thought more and more about what he said and the reasons he gave (he knows both of us well). I really have got this stuck in my head that she is just using me, and it’s making the relationship fall apart, and she says she isn’t, I want to trust her but it’s so difficult when the reasons that she IS using me outweigh the reasons she ISN’T using me.

The first and foremost reason I believe she is using me is the fact that she hasn’t learned a lick of English in the 10+ months we have been together. Although, I’m greatful that I have had the opportunity to learn Spanish but it’s really difficult that the COUNTLESS times I have asked her to learn English and the COUNTLESS times she has promised me she would, have all failed.

The other reason is the fact that ever since then I’ve mentioned the fact that she could possibly be using me, she has ceased talking to me, she won’t just tell me something out of the blue, I have to pry it out of her.

Other than these 2 main reasons, this girl is perfect for me, she doesn’t do drugs, is willing to work, doesn’t care about money, agrees with every church teaching, wants a large family, the list goes on. But the fact that I think she’s using me is really getting to me, it’s like… maybe she’s so perfect just because she is wanting something from me… It’s difficult and complicated, if anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. Thanks and God bless!

Andrew
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if she is really the one for you and she feels the same way about you then tell her to go back to MExico…then both of you get married and you can file with INS for her to get her visa/greencard as your spouse.
 
Again, PRAY! Also give it time and things will work out as they should. You will also be prayed for.

I don’t know much about immigration and legalization, but is there any way she could start working on getting herself legalized? This may mean going back to her homeland, I think, but is she willing to try herself?
 
I’m going to go in a slightly different direction here. Obviously I agree that prayer is important in this situation, but on the overall issue…

She may or may not be using you. Is your love genuine? If it is, then you shouldn’t worry about being used or not. If you are going to get married, you need to have a sacramental view of the marriage vows – and that means you are FULL partners in all ways. One Flesh.

We live in a very individualistic and anti-marriage culture that pits men and women against each other, and has people worried about just what you describe: being “used” or “taken advantage of”.

Put that aside and make the determination as to whether:

1 – Your mutual love is genuine.
2 – She and you both agree that marriage is a sacrament, not a legal contract that people today think it is.
3 – You want to make Christ the center of your family.

If those answers are yes, then put aside suspicion and trust in love. Even if it’s not a perfect relationship (none of them are, by the way), you have a good foundation for a healthy marriage in Christ.
 
Have you checked into the procedures and regulations that must be followed for her to get a “green card”? Does your friend know this process?

Has she or her family offered you any compensation for the marriage? If not, I’d think that she is more likely honest than not. Frankly, when I was young if my boyfriend began to distrust my motives, I’d have gone silent too.

Marriage to an undocumented person is not like the movies, all simple and swift. These are detailed legal wraglings. If you are thinking about marriage, I would suggest talking to someone who is an expert in immigration laws, an immogration attorney for example (some Parishes have offices to help with these things, as they have a high immigrant population). Find out what it will take to get married before you make any plans.
 
Is she using you? I don’t know. I’d bet she is honestly affectionate toward you. But citizenship is surely something she considers when she thinks about your nice attributes.

I met a nice, kind, religious young man while volunteering south of the border. When we were dating, he talked a lot about learning English and loving God. He often read aloud from the Bible to me. A few months later I married him and brought him into the country legally, with much hard work and expense on my part.

As soon as he was here, he revealed he wasn’t religious at all (and in fact hated my religion), he had lied about half the things he ever told me, never made an effort to learn more English, began to beat me, soon thereafter tried to kill our infant son.

Obviously that’s a rather extreme case. I’m sure your girlfriend is a lot nicer than my ex-husband. But I think that people who have something very desireable (whether that is extremely good looks, lots of money, or American citizenship) have to be very careful when chosing a partner.

Beyond that, a partner who repeatedly promises to do something (like learn English) but never delivers is not going to make a good spouse at this point. Those sorts of claims only get worse, not better, after the wedding ring is on. You need to be able to depend on your wife to be on the ball when it comes to her duties. Raising children and loving a husband isn’t always easy, and someone who shirks promises and responsibilities isn’t going to be exceedingly good at it.

Then there is the idea of marrying someone who thinks it’s ok to break the law. I know many illegal immigrants myself, and I’m sympathetic. They have had very difficult lives. But I’d never marry one of them. If a person thinks she has the right to break such an important law, what other agreements and covenants is she willing to break if it serves her to do so?
 
Obviously, what’s done is done…but WHY ON EARTH did you voice your concerns to her???
** Did you really expect her to say “why, yes dear, I am only using you to get my green card, I’m not usually this nice but I had to put on an act so that you’d really want to marry me”:confused:**

I say this now just in case someone is reading this who is just about to do something as silly as you did…

You should have kept your “friend’s” concerns to yourself and just observed the situation for a little bit with that knowlwdge in the back of your mind. Your friend could be wrong (accidentally or on purpose) and I’d hate to see a great relationship destroyed by this issue of trust.
But the damage has ben done. You can only move forward. I suggest profusely apologizing until you think you’ve apologized way too much…and then apologize some more. IF she really loves you, your accusation/suspicion has really hurt her and you need to do your best to repair that damage before you have any hope of moving forward to marry and have lots of babies.
But, now that the seed of doubt has been sewn, don’t rush into anything. Take lots of time to discern if this is God’s will for you both.
About the learning english part…maybe she is really struggling? English is a very hard language to learn (especially compared to spanish). Maybe she is embarassed about not having picked it up so far and needs your compassion and help but is too proud to ask it? This is where you can prove your devotion as a future spouse…find little ways to help her without making her feel stupid. Throw english words into your spanish conversations little by little. She’ll get it eventually.
Malia
 
I have to agree that, if she is truly not using you, your accusations hurt a great deal, and it is no wonder she doesn’t want to talk to you.

On the other hand, if she IS using you to get in, and given that she has already demonstrated that she doesn’t keep promises, it calls into question whether she is really perfect for you, or only pretending to be.

I disagree that you loving her is good enough. If she’s using you, no matter how genuine your love is, you are setting yourself up for being left, and at that point, perhaps tearing a child’s world apart, too. If you are absolutely certain that your mutual love is genuine, that’s a different story.

I think there must be legal problems inherent in marrying someone who is already here illegally. Won’t INS be asking questions as to how you met her? What are the repercussions, even after she marries you, of INS finding out she was originally here illegally? Will they question you marrying an illegal immigrant, and how might that affect you legally, if they believe you married her to get her a green card? If she is indeed using you, it could end up looking like you were part of the deception. My sister’s best friend married someone to get him a green card, and was found out. She could have been given jail time and fines, if I remember correctly. She got off easy because they concluded she was young and stupid and took pity on her.

** I really think you need to talk to an immigration lawyer.** At the very least, research the legal aspects of this down to the very last document available to you.

One answer would be to insist that she get her green card legally before marrying you. Maybe you could point out to her that if she truly loves you, SHE will not put you in the position of potentially breaking the law.

And, of course, if her love is genuine, all of this can’t help but affect the relationship. 😦 It would have been so much easier for you if she had followed the law.
 
Please tell me you have been with this girl almost a year 10months and in all that time did you ever feel that she was using. Just because a friend said so you automaticall think that she is using you. Have you ever thought that made your friend was jealous of the relationship or has other reasons that is why there is doubt. Has this person voiced these concerns before in the 10 months that there is a possibility that she is using you.

You learnt to speak Spanish out of choice she did not force you to do so. Don’t you think that is should be her choice to make whether she learns English or not. And did you ever think that there might be a problem why she has not learnt the language. There is a elderly couple that lives in my complex and they have one child. They have lived in South Africa over 10 years do you know that this women does not speak English or understand it that she can only speak Portuguese and that her husband has to interpret for her. It is not because she did not want to learn but could just not grasp the language.

In South Africa we have 10 official languages. But I only speak English understand a little of another language as for the others do not have a cooking clue. They say to me but you are from a certain area why are you not able to speak at least 2 other languages. I just never could grasp it. But if they speak in say Afrikaans (almost like Dutch) I can respond in English and more or less understand it. So don’t blame her maybe she has a genuine reason why she never learned the language and I do not think it was out of spite. From the way you speak about her she does not sound like a bad women.

And in what way is she using you. Is it emotionally, physically, financially in what way. Has she pushed you in a corner to marry her. I am sorry I am very confused why did you not have these doubts months ago why only now after your friend spoke to you. You know something if you love this women and she is the one for you then it will happen. Ask for guidance pray about this situation and ask God for guidance and he will guide you in the right direction. You have choices in life you can choose to listen to everybody else or you can choose to listen to what your heart and soul tells you.

Don’t push this girl away she maybe the one for you or she may not be the one for you. In the 10 months that you guys have been together did she ever give you are reason not to trust her, believer in her or have faith in her. You say that she is perfect in everyway but you feel she is using you. If she was wouldnt you guys have been married a long time ago. 10 months is not short period of time it is long that is weeks and months. And I am sure that you guys spent alot of time together getting to know each other.

But if you really feel deep down inside your heart that she is using then walk away and get out of the relationship. A relationship is not only based on love but also love, care, affection, respect, honesty and many other things. Goodluck and I hope that things work out for you.
 
8isgr8 said:
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One answer would be to insist that she get her green card legally before marrying you. Maybe you could point out to her that if she truly loves you, SHE will not put you in the position of potentially breaking the law.

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I couldn’t agree with you more!! Starting out a relaitonship or marriage with breaking the law is not good at all. It really is simple, she needs to get a green card or whatever it is she needs to do to be here legally, and then if the relaitonship continues, then she wasnt using you for that and you will know that. NOw that said, approaching her, I wouldnt let the “using me” part com ein at all, I would just explain to her that breaking the law isnt an option and that you will be there for her and help and support her anyway that you could so that you guys can do this the right way and start a life together with no worries. If she is not willing to do this, than I would definately question why and would not marry her.
You will both be in my prayers.
 
If you love this girl, talk to an immigration expert. From what I understand, if it were an easy thing for her to just “go and get a green card legally”, well, she and all the other undocumented folks would have already done that. I’ve watched friends with powerful corporate sponsors and the $$ to pay for everything go through the legal immigration process, it is slow and costly.

For someone without this kind of resources, I cannot imagine how difficult it would be. Most likely, so difficult to make moral upright people “break the law” to get to the US.

Talk to a professional - they will give you an accurate view of your situation, and let you know if marriage is even a possibility in her current state.
 
Thanks everyone for your replies, I have some thinking to do now. God bless.

Andrew
 
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