Sexless marriage validity

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Maria2

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Let me start off saying my boyfriend and I love each other very much. He’s an atheist, but he’s always respected my religious practices. A few months ago, my boyfriend stopped being sexually attracted to me, not because he’s no longer attracted to women, it’s just me. At the time, he must not have realized the implications because when I confronted him about my suspicions, he seemed easygoing about it while I inwardly panicked. However, that changed a couple of nights ago when I alerted him to what this meant for our Church marriage and having children. I’ve come up with a few solutions here, but need advice.
  1. We get married in the Church and use an unnatural–but abortion free (no in vitro)–method to conceive. Would the Church call this marriage valid? I know he doesn’t want to adopt, but would be willing to if that’s the only way.
  2. We get married in the Church and adopt.
  3. We only get a state marriage and adopt. Would the Church be okay with us cohabiting? The reason behind her rules against it is to prevent sexual temptation, but that’s not a possibility here. Would it be wrong to get a state marriage with someone I can’t marry in the Church, due to the invalidity of our marriage?
 
I love him a lot and have know him for almost half my life. I know what it’s like to be without him, and it’s awful.
 
I would caution you on becoming bound to him for the rest of your life when he obviously doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. That can be an even worse torture than moving on without him.
 
He’s devoted to me in every other way, and I don’t want to hold an involuntary sentiment against him. He can’t choose what he’s attracted to.
 
Maria2 said:
I know what it’s like to be without him, and it’s awful.
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Not half as awful as spending years married to a man who does not find you sexually attractive.

Use some common sense here and end the romantic relationship. You can still stay friends, and have the person in your life that way.

If you go to make your marriage arrangements and start discussing 1, 2 and 3 with the priest, it’s highly likely he is not going to facilitate this marriage going forward.
 
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My sense is that this is highly problematic, and at best will lead to great heartache. My wife is non-Christian, and as much as I love her I’d never consider dating a non-Christian again if I ever became free to marry again.
 
Maria2 said:
I love him a lot and have know him for almost half my life. I know what it’s like to be without him, and it’s awful.
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So you are staying with him only because you don’t want to be without him? I don’t mean to offend, but that is not a healthy way to live.

Do you not think you deserve to have someone who is attracted to you, and who will love you as you should be loved? Who will love you as you will love them?
 
I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant he makes me really happy. And he loves me the way I should be loved and treats me better than I thought I ever would be treated.
 
Alas this is how so many failed marriages start. It makes my top 3 common but awful ways to pick a spouse: inertia.
 
I’m glad. But the fact of it is, to be with someone requires attraction. He isn’t attracted to you, and what’s more is that he doesn’t find it a problem, or something to worry about. As all the other posters here have said, it is a big deal.
 
The past few months have been fine after the initial shock. Can’t really miss what you never had. Also, the feelings we have for each other aren’t the kind of feelings friends share. I really don’t think friendship would work out for us.
 
Well sex has never been really important to him. He’s told me (before he lost his attraction to me) of times when nothing would be able to arouse him, and he didn’t seem concerned at all.
 
This is a disaster waiting to happen on so many levels…

He’s not attracted to you to the point he won’t touch you… but you wanna marry him?

He’s going to end up cheating on you, if he’s not already. I guarentee it 100%

And this is to say nothing of the issue you’re Catholic and he’s an atheist…

I think you’d be prudent to end things and call this relationship over and done.
 
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It’s not that he’s not willing to touch me, he just doesn’t want to be sexually intimate. Affection and sex are two different things.

He would never cheat on me. I know he’d rather be honest and breakup than cheat. And all relationships run the risk of a breakup.

I mentioned he’s an atheist to give a possible reason for his misunderstanding of the situation and to demonstrate how much he loves and respects me despite our differences.
 
With all due respect, you’re holding on to something that’s already gone. You would do well to keep your good memories and move on rather than trying to make some unconventional relationship work as a marriage.

There are good reasons why the Church/ a priest would not approve a marriage in such a situation.
 
Thank you for your understanding. Firstly, we’re not having sex, though things have gotten close at times. I think he was casual about it possibly because he’s not a sexual guy and he’s not Catholic, so his definition of marriage is much different and he probably thought we could do in vitro. I assume that during the time I suspected he’d lost his attraction without knowing for sure, he was trying to regain it but couldn’t. I don’t want to force it on him or make him feel less than for something he can’t control, so I’m trying to accommodate him.
 
Has he ever gone to a doctor about it? There could be a medical issue he isn’t aware of that’s affecting him. It’s something he should look into - that’s something he can do.

ETA - as BoomBoom points out, he says he’s attracted to others. So it’s not really as though he doesn’t have any attraction to others ever. And if he doesn’t find you attractive any more, he did at some point. So if things have changed, he needs to find out why.
 
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So he’s still attracted to women generally, just not you? But he wants to marry you and just forgo sex completely? And you’re willing to have a completely sexless marriage?

Whoa codependency. This is not healthy for either of you.
 
I think you really need to press the pause button on this engagement. You deserve someone who is attracted to you.

That you panicked is a good sign, because it means you see this as a red flag. The three options you present to accommodate him seem rather extreme, and not a healthy path to start a stable marriage.

You may find that counseling may help you understand what is happening and your response to your fiance’s attitude. I cannot advise preceding with this marriage without seeking a profession third opinion.
 
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