Son's girlfriend wants to talk to me about their breakup

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MarthaSo

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Hi, my son is in the military and they had a long distance relationship for a few months, they’re both older teens.
This young lady has gone on family trips with us and I’m fond of her. My loyalty is to my son though so I’m not sure what she wants to talk about but I fear she may want to go into details like maybe he cheated or maybe he didn’t and they just wanted time apart. I have no idea what she’s going to say but any advice on a diplomatic way to tell her “I’d like to respect my sons privacy so I’d rather not hear details” or should I let her vent anything, I’m like a mother figure to her but i’d rather not hear details as I feel it’s not honorable to my son. She’s also good friends with my teen daughter.
Thanks for tips on how to handle and if I should let her know anything prior to her “talking to me about something “ as she put it.
 
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“You know I love you like a daughter, but I really feel that I should not get in the middle or hear any details. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you.”

She may just want to ask you if you think there is any chance they might get back together. Or, if your son didn’t give her a reason, maybe she feels like she is left hanging. Either way, I would stay out if it. You are right, your loyalty is to your son. (If he really was a jerk to her, you could tell him your feelings on that.)
 
I’d honestly distance myself from her.
Unless these people were engaged or married, it’s not really appropriate to be discussing your breakup with the parent of your former partner. It’s generally understood that a parent’s loyalty is to their own child, not to the girlfriend or boyfriend of that child.

If you had some other friendship or relationship with this person apart from your son dating her, such as her being your friend from your workplace before she met your son, or she is your best friend’s child who you often visited or babysat when she was growing up, then maybe I could understand, but if the only way you know her is that she dated your son, I would gently suggest to her that conversation is not appropriate.

Unfortunately there are some people who, when a breakup happens, don’t want to let the relationship go and will try anything in hopes of getting the person back or getting the person’s attention or even getting revenge.

I’d just nicely tell her that given the situation between her and your son, you don’t think it would be appropriate for you as his mother to interfere and you wish this girl all the best.
 
Thanks I did already tell her she could stop by later in the week, the problem is she’s good friends with my daughter and will come over the house I don’t know how to handle that part. I almost want to tell my daughter to cool the friendship but this young lady is so nice ugh I don’t know what to do.
 
Thank you. I’m not looking forward to this chat I may cancel it in fact but she’s good friends with my daughter and it’s just an annoying situation i don’t feel like dealing with as I have my hands full with a newborn etc.
 
Let your daughter be friends, but just don’t get into things with her. That’s all. You may need to speak to your daughter about loyalty to her brother.
 
I agree with the other posters. Let your daughter be her friend, but don’t get involved yourself.

Are you absolutely sure the break up was what she wanted to talk to you about? I’m just wondering because she was so vague about it - could it be something else?
 
That’s always what i’ve told her and reminded her of this morning!! thank you
 
Maybe i can text her and ask her what she wants to talk about and if she says the breakup than i’ll tell her what Tisbear said. Maybe that can be my opportunity
 
You can still be nice to her as your daughter’s friend, just make clear you are not going to discuss your son or anything concerning him.

I actually have one friend, maybe more like “friendly acquaintance” as we are primarily online friends, who is the mother of a person I broke up with. My ground rule in maintaining the friendship with her is that I do not mention her son to her, ever; I do not comment on posts about her son; and I do not post things about her son anyplace she could read them. As this lady has been a bit distant at times from her son’s life, I don’t know if she’s even aware of his past involvement with me. We have several other hobby interests in common so we interact about those things, only.
 
thanks everyone, i let her know. i appreciate very much the advice!!
 
Just wanted to thank you again! I used your quote and Tisbears, i had such a challenging day it was a blessing that you and she literally gave me the right words to say. thank you ❤️
 
Irishmom2 said:
“You know I love you like a daughter, but I really feel that I should not get in the middle or hear any details. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you.”

She may just want to ask you if you think there is any chance they might get back together. Or, if your son didn’t give her a reason, maybe she feels like she is left hanging. Either way, I would stay out if it. You are right, your loyalty is to your son. (If he really was a jerk to her, you could tell him your feelings on that.)
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I’m with this.

I do think though, while your loyalty is, by default, to your son, If it emerged that he treated her badly, you should be prepared to confront your son on that.
 
MarthaSo said:
I’d like to respect my sons privacy so I’d rather not hear details”
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This.
You prolly really don’t want to know.

When I look back on the dumb things I did as a college age person navigating the dating world, I’m glad my parents didn’t know every stumble and hiccup.
 
Make the truth your priority-that would be the Christian way as I see things. Let her have her say as you have no reason to deny her that opportunity at this point. You can cut her off if things sound inappropriate.
 
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