Spouses choice of movies

[ekblad7]

I am very bothered by my husband’s choice of movies. We belong to netflix and he repeatedly rents things that contain explicit sexuality, extreme violance, and of course swearing. I guess the violance and the swearing don’t bother me as much as the sex. He knows how I feel about this, how I feel degraded, and that it’s a sin but he continues to do it. I am seven months pregnant with our seventh child and I really feel that I don’t even want him at the birth. I’m so disgusted and put off by this. I have begged, cried, ignored, prayed, etc. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. Any advice?

 

[ekblad7]

Forgot to subscribe

 

[Alterum]

If the movies contain explicit sex (as many R-rated films do these days), I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all in asking him to refrain from renting them. Frankly, you shouldn’t have to ask. (Is he a practicing Catholic?)

 

[Alterum]

If the movies contain explicit sex (as many R-rated films do these days), I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable in asking him to refrain from renting them. Frankly, you shouldn’t have to ask him. (Is he a practicing Catholic?)

 

[Tietjen]

I am very bothered by my husband’s choice of movies. We belong to netflix and he repeatedly rents things that contain explicit sexuality, extreme violance, and of course swearing. I guess the violance and the swearing don’t bother me as much as the sex. He knows how I feel about this, how I feel degraded, and that it’s a sin but he continues to do it. I am seven months pregnant with our seventh child and I really feel that I don’t even want him at the birth. I’m so disgusted and put off by this. I have begged, cried, ignored, prayed, etc. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not. Any advice?

I probably am not the one that should respond to this message because I enjoy many “action” type of movies. I care little about the sexually explicit content (within reason) a movie contains because I know that society in general is sexually explicit. I however, am not, and simply ignore that stuff. However, if I were in a relationship where my spouse did not appreciate that, I would simply avoid it, because it does not mean that much to me. I do not know where your husband is at when it comes to the types of “sexual situations” that you are speaking about. I can handle brief scenes and verbally expressions of sexuality without giving it a second thought. However, are we talking about movies that are based entirely around the act of sex and/or sexuality? If so, then I feel for you. My only advice would be to not watch them with him and to pray for him. You have made your feelings known and should continue to do so. If, however, you want all movies removed that contain any sexual content, then I might suggest that this is unrealistic. We are sexual creatures created by God. That does not mean that we are out of control, but it does mean that we (human beings) have a sexual side of us and therefore if this side of us is portrayed (realistically) in a film, it should not be condemned simply because it shows a side of us that some prefer not to see. Therefore, I would ask you to evaluate what exactly it is that your husband is watching and if it truly shows an unholy view of sexuality then you are correct in not wanting it in your home. If it simply recognizes the fact that human beings are sexual, then accept that and if you are uncomfortable with it, remove yourself.
As I said, I do not support porn stuff. There is a difference. IN ADDITION, I would suggest to your husband that if this stuff is making you uncomfortable, perhaps he should reconsider his choice of movies. YOU should be his primary concern. That includes your feelings and he should respect that. God bless.

 

[ekblad7]

He is a practicing Catholic. Attends mass with us weekly and on holy days and goes to confession relatively often. He was not raised this way, however, and has been watching these sorts of things and worse since he was five years old.

Many of the movies are action type films but when I look at them on decent films or the like they are rated poorly due to the sex, usually.

It really, really bothers me. I feel that he could choose other things to watch or do. It doesn’t have to be praying or reading the Bible (though I would love that, LOL) but just not watching naked women and sex scenes.

 

[Jay2]

Guy Flicks…
Chick Flicks…

Guy flicks = stuff blowing up, the occasional “F” bomb, and sometimes include incredibly built women in totally stupid & irrelevant situations…

Chick flicks = Gorgeous perfect women either:
In a cat-fight over some trash romance “fabio” perfect man.
OR
Gorgeous perfect women in a group [Mod edit: “griping”] about how bad their relationships are with their “non-perfect” men.

What would YOU rather watch?? I’ll take stuff blowing up any day & twice on Sunday over a bunch of hens [Mod edit: “griping”] about their men and how they plan to “change” them…

To quote Bill Engvall… “I’m just a guy…”

 

[ecp007]

So my 2 cents, from the peanut gallery…

I don’t believe this has anything to do with movies.

Could it be that at 7 months pregnant, busy with so many children, you don’t feel yourself very sexy, which is why maybe a normal R rated movie bothers you so much??? And you feel overwhelmed, and like your husband isn’t helping or paying attention to “family” things and “you”.

Could it be that with working, and so many kids, and a wife that is so dedicated to her kids, maybe your husband is feeling alone, and over stressed, and just wants some in his opinion “adult” down time. Passively watching an action movie is stress free and a mental vacation.

I don’t necessarily know the solution, but maybe if you sit down with him, to analyze why you each feel the way you do, without judging or criticizing each other, you might be able to work it out.

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

I’m on the OP’s side. I don’t have any advice, but I firmly believe that that kind of entertainment can negatively affect the viewer’s soul.

This is not about “action” vs. “chick flicks” or “guys” vs. “gals”. (I highly doubt the OP would want to see a chick flick with gratuitous nudity. I wouldn’t.) This is about purposefully seeking out films with steamy sex scenes in them, admitting that this is a sin, and then continuing. This might as well be pornography, and the wife has every right to be disturbed and hurt.

I wouldn’t buy any excuses either–the fact is that if he were chaste and did not enjoy this stuff, he would request films that are more in line with a Catholic lifestyle, or fast forward through the questionable scenes, or at least talk about how much he doesn’t like those parts and wishes Hollywood were different. I don’t get the impression that he has given his wife any such signs, has he? He seems to be trying to walk with God with his left foot and walk with the world with his right foot–and that’s not gonna get you very far for long.

I’ve been in some similar situations with guys I’ve dated and I’ve always received some rambling reply about how those parts just “happen” to be in the movies (like it’s an “accident” that a woman’s breasts are nearly falling out of her corset and she’s making sexual moans as she’s being torn to shreds by werewolves) or how nudity in raunchy R-rated films is “artistic”… I generally find out later that the guy’s movie habits are just the tip of the iceburg of impurity in his life. Hopefully your dh will engage in more honest dialogue than I’ve experienced.

IMHO if a guy is genuinely unhappy with what Hollywood dishes out, he’ll talk with his wallet and avoid tasteless fare–maybe making a rare exception for a movie that has a bit of questionable content but which is otherwise intelligent, with many redeeming qualities. If he says he doesn’t like it, but keeps on doing it, he’s just giving you lip service.

I don’t know what you can do about this though. Enjoying this kind of entertainment over time dulls the intellect and erodes charity, so it will be hard to get him to talk reasonably about it in a non-hostile manner.

 

[Tietjen]

I’m on the OP’s side. I don’t have any advice, but I firmly believe that that kind of entertainment can negatively affect the viewer’s soul.

I agree IF the movie centers on sex. However, IF the movie is simply an “action” film which happens to have SOME adult language and/or scenes, then I would have to disagree. I say this with complete compassion for the OP. I strongly believe that if the OP’s husband is disregarding her feelings concerning the movies watch within the house, he is wrong. However, I’d also ask the OP to accurately assess the situation and consider the fact that her husband may not be watching the movies because of their sexual content but rather because he enjoys “action” movies. Many women enjoy “LifeTime” movies and speaking as a male, I would prefer a root canal over having to sit through one of those. AND, I might add, some of those LifeTime movies are risqué of and in themselves.

This is not about “action” vs. “chick flicks” or “guys” vs. “gals”. (I highly doubt the OP would want to see a chick flick with gratuitous nudity. I wouldn’t.) This is about purposefully seeking out films with steamy sex scenes in them, admitting that this is a sin, and then continuing. This might as well be pornography, and the wife has every right to be disturbed and hurt.

How do we know it’s not about “action” vs. “chick flick?” I do not doubt the OP’s sincerity, however, how are we to know what her husband finds interesting when it comes to these types of movies? I, personally, enjoy “action” movies. If they contain brief sexual language or scenes I can tolerate that. I also enjoy comedies. If these movies have some moderate adult scenes, I can still enjoy the overall movie. The fact is, most movies targeting adult audiences are rated “R” today. They contain a little of everything in order to appeal to all types of audiences. Personally, I can do without the sexual stuff, but if a movie has SOME of that in it, I won’t avoid the movie because of it.

I wouldn’t buy any excuses either–the fact is that if he were chaste and did not enjoy this stuff, he would request films that are more in line with a Catholic lifestyle, or fast forward through the questionable scenes, or at least talk about how much he doesn’t like those parts and wishes Hollywood were different. I don’t get the impression that he has given his wife any such signs, has he? He seems to be trying to walk with God with his left foot and walk with the world with his right foot–and that’s not gonna get you very far for long.

Okay, I respect your position on this subject but I have to disagree. You appear to be of the mindset that an individual can dictate to Hollywood that he/she wants an “action” film without any sexual content. While it maybe very possible to create such a film, Hollywood isn’t swayed by 1, 2, or several hundred people. And while I certainly don’t agree with everything that Hollywood puts out, I recognize the fact that they are in the business for the money and therefore must make movies that a majority of society would like to see. Today’s movies (aimed at audiences above the age of 17) usually contain a little of everything… a little sexual content, some action, perhaps some romance, and they wrap it up in such a way as the average viewer won’t be able to guess what is going to happen. Now, if a person doesn’t like some element that Hollywood puts into the movie, that’s fine, they don’t have to watch it. However, since most of these movies contain a little of everything, they may be stuck watching only repeats of “Cars”, or attempt to get their fill of “action” from “Curious George.”

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[Tietjen]

I’m on the OP’s side. I don’t have any advice, but I firmly believe that that kind of entertainment can negatively affect the viewer’s soul.

I agree IF the movie centers on sex. However, IF the movie is simply an “action” film which happens to have SOME adult language and/or scenes, then I would have to disagree. I say this with complete compassion for the OP. I strongly believe that if the OP’s husband is disregarding her feelings concerning the movies watch within the house, he is wrong. However, I’d also ask the OP to accurately assess the situation and consider the fact that her husband may not be watching the movies because of their sexual content but rather because he enjoys “action” movies. Many women enjoy “LifeTime” movies and speaking as a male, I would prefer a root canal over having to sit through one of those. AND, I might add, some of those LifeTime movies are risqué of and in themselves.

This is not about “action” vs. “chick flicks” or “guys” vs. “gals”. (I highly doubt the OP would want to see a chick flick with gratuitous nudity. I wouldn’t.) This is about purposefully seeking out films with steamy sex scenes in them, admitting that this is a sin, and then continuing. This might as well be pornography, and the wife has every right to be disturbed and hurt.

How do we know it’s not about “action” vs. “chick flick?” I do not doubt the OP’s sincerity, however, how are we to know what her husband finds interesting when it comes to these types of movies? I, personally, enjoy “action” movies. If they contain brief sexual language or scenes I can tolerate that. I also enjoy comedies. If these movies have some moderate adult scenes, I can still enjoy the overall movie. The fact is, most movies targeting adult audiences are rated “R” today. They contain a little of everything in order to appeal to all types of audiences. Personally, I can do without the sexual stuff, but if a movie has SOME of that in it, I won’t avoid the movie because of it.

I wouldn’t buy any excuses either–the fact is that if he were chaste and did not enjoy this stuff, he would request films that are more in line with a Catholic lifestyle, or fast forward through the questionable scenes, or at least talk about how much he doesn’t like those parts and wishes Hollywood were different. I don’t get the impression that he has given his wife any such signs, has he? He seems to be trying to walk with God with his left foot and walk with the world with his right foot–and that’s not gonna get you very far for long.

Okay, I respect your position on this subject but I have to disagree. You appear to be of the mindset that an individual can dictate to Hollywood that he/she wants an “action” film without any sexual content. While it maybe very possible to create such a film, Hollywood isn’t swayed by 1, 2, or several hundred people. And while I certainly don’t agree with everything that Hollywood puts out, I recognize the fact that they are in the business for the money and therefore must make movies that a majority of society would like to see. Today’s movies (aimed at audiences above the age of 17) usually contain a little of everything… a little sexual content, some action, perhaps some romance, and they wrap it up in such a way as the average viewer won’t be able to guess what is going to happen. Now, if a person doesn’t like some element that Hollywood puts into the movie, that’s fine, they don’t have to watch it. However, since most of these movies contain a little of everything, they may be stuck watching only repeats of “Cars”, or attempt to get their fill of “action” from “Curious George.”

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[Tietjen]

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I’ve been in some similar situations with guys I’ve dated and I’ve always received some rambling reply about how those parts just “happen” to be in the movies (like it’s an “accident” that a woman’s breasts are nearly falling out of her corset and she’s making sexual moans as she’s being torn to shreds by werewolves) or how nudity in raunchy R-rated films is “artistic”… I generally find out later that the guy’s movie habits are just the tip of the iceburg of impurity in his life. Hopefully your dh will engage in more honest dialogue than I’ve experienced.

I find your assessment somewhat insulting. Perhaps those men you have dated were not the most pure in the area of sexuality. However, what you appear to be insinuating is that men who enjoy movies that happen to show an exposed breast or have a scenes which contain sexual content, are somehow less than chaste. With all do respect perhaps this is an assumption on your part, or perhaps you are dating the wrong people. As I stated earlier, today’s movies (aimed at 17+) generally have a little of everything. Unless a person enjoys Disney, he/she must tolerate the parts that he/she cares little for in order to enjoy the rest of the movie. I enjoy laughing, I enjoy intense drama, I enjoy mystery, and yes… I enjoy fast cars, explosions, etc. in films. This does not make me unchaste, anymore than those women who enjoy Lifetime and Oxygen cable movies (which I have been forced to sit through on occasion and find FAR more sexually explicit than my Mission Impossible movies.

IMHO if a guy is genuinely unhappy with what Hollywood dishes out, he’ll talk with his wallet and avoid tasteless fare–maybe making a rare exception for a movie that has a bit of questionable content but which is otherwise intelligent, with many redeeming qualities. If he says he doesn’t like it, but keeps on doing it, he’s just giving you lip service.

I think that if a movie goes too far this is good advice, however doing so over “a bit of questionable content” is silly. The average male comes in contact with many forums of sex-related things during his day. Everything from co-workers who feel the need to tell the dirty joke around the water cooler, to the female co-worker who feels the need to call attention to herself by dressing provocatively. As a male, I can tell you that most of us don’t give these things a second thought. Neither do we give a scene in a movie a second thought. Perhaps, more trust is called for from our female partners.

I don’t know what you can do about this though. Enjoying this kind of entertainment over time dulls the intellect and erodes charity, so it will be hard to get him to talk reasonably about it in a non-hostile manner.

That’s silly. Jezu, I am sorry that you feel that a man must become hostile when confronted with a disagreement. Perhaps, if the OP were to approach her dh she would find his demeanor less than hostile. This whole topic is really very silly. I am sorry that I got so involved in this discussion and I apologize if I came off as hostile or overbearing. That was not my intention. God bless all.

 

[ekblad7]

Unfortantely he did become hostile. I really had no i ntention of discussing this with him at this point. I was quiet last night, though, and he kept pushing until I said something about it. He said too bad and that I was free to sleep on the couch until the baby is born and that he’s fine with not being at the birth.

We do actually spend a significant amount of time together, alone. My parents live nearby and babysit all of the kids at least one night/week (yes, I know we’re very blessed!) My oldest is nearly 15 and we are able to sneak out for an hour or two a couple times/month. We play board games alone and with the kids almost every night. There are shows that we enjoy watching together. ONly a couple but still…I do not watch chick flicks of any kind and would be totally offended by sexual scenes no matter what the genre of the movie was.

This has gone on for years. I do not feel unnattractive or whatever b/c I’m seven months pregnant. Even if I was the most beautiful and fit pregnant woman in the world what man would rather look at me vs. looking at a hollywood version of beautiful, especially a naked one?

Bottem line is that it is sinful and it’s very hurtful that one would rather watch something on TV then to make his wife feel better. It’s not like all TV is banned, there are some good things out there.

 

[lotusblossom]

ekblad7-

I have no advice to give (being very newly married myself with little experience), but I will pray for you and your husband.

I understand your feelings completely. I would not want my husband to watch those kinds of movies either. That was a small issue for us while we were dating. I tend to be a very sensitive person (even more so now that I’m pregnant) and I tend to stay away from movies that have crude humor, sex scenes, and other vulgar things because of this. Yes, I realize this pretty much wipes out 98% of the movies out there made after 1955, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. My husband, on the other hand, was almost the opposite. He, I think, grew up similiarly to your husband, who could watch almost anything he wanted (although at a young age, his mother did have limits). It wasn’t that he was aroused or watched movies with sexuality in them for that purpose that bothered me. I knew he watched these movies for the action part, but it didn’t make a difference. These images were still there and there’s always an alternative to watching them. There are enough movies that have action and are “guy movies” that don’t have all the sex-junk in them to watch and there are even more alternatives to relaxing. My husband plays videogames (Halo, Star Trek, RPGs), reads, or watches ones of the movies he loves but doesn’t contain all the sexuality in it. His idea of what is okay to watch and what isn’t is not the same as mine, but he respects me enough to not watch them because he knows it hurts me. I hope your husband will see the same. If this issue runs deeper or is flooding into the rest of your marriage, I might consider seeing a solid marriage counselor. You don’t want one thing to eat away at something you have built up for so long . God bless!

 

[Traci]

I’m on the OP’s side. I don’t have any advice, but I firmly believe that that kind of entertainment can negatively affect the viewer’s soul.

I 100% agree with this statement. In my home there is nothing that is sexually explict that is rented from our Netflix account and we watch some great movies, usually twice a week, there are plenty out there.

Hollywood disgustingly DEGRADES human sexuality, it is evil at it finest. I would not rent or support that under any circumstance. IMHO every time you see it slowly wears you down and corrupts your heart and soul by displaying that degrading human sexuality and dignity is OK! I believe that by watching that sort of thing you participate in destroying the dignity of those involved in the explicit scene and your own.

It is time for us to take a stand for what we believe to know is good and pure! Human sexuality is a beautiful gift from God, it is too precious to be thrown around on some Hollywood explicit sex scene, and I for one won’t support it.

My advice to the OP is to get Christoper West’s “Theology of the Body” and listen to it with your husband. Give him the information he needs to understand why you feel so betrayed by him watching this. IMHO not only is he putting his dignity in jeopardy but yours also!

 

[Traci]

I’m on the OP’s side. I don’t have any advice, but I firmly believe that that kind of entertainment can negatively affect the viewer’s soul.

I 100% agree with this statement. In my home there is nothing that is sexually explict that is rented from our Netflix account and we watch some great movies, usually twice a week, there are plenty out there.

Hollywood DEGRADES human sexuality, it is evil at it finest. I would not rent or support that under any circumstance. IMHO every time you see it slowly wears you down and corrupts your heart and soul by displaying that degrading human sexuality and dignity is OK! I believe that by watching that sort of thing you participate in destroying the dignity of those involved in the explicit scene and your own.

It is time for us to take a stand for what we believe to know is good and pure! Human sexuality is a beautiful thing, it is too precious to be thrown around on some Hollywood explicit sex scene, and I for one won’t support it.

My advice to the original poster is to get Christoper West’s “Thelogy of the Body” and listen to it with your husband. Give him the information he needs to understand why you feel so betrayed by him watching this. Not only is he putting his dignity in jeopardy but yours also (IMHO)!

 

[Orionthehunter]

You describe many good things about your husband and it appears you do alot of good things together. Count your blessings.

Now let me talk to you as a man. Much about your husband that you love is grounded in his masculinity. And in that trait are also things/attributes that it natural that you’d neither understand or like. But you must take the good with the bad.

Something in our nature causes us to like action movies while women like movies that explore personal relationships. We are wired different and thank God for that. Personally, I dread when I have to go to a movie picked by my wife as it is seldom that I really enjoy it and same when she goes to one picked by me. There are evenings that we just choose who is watching what is HBO while the other goes to their room to read as we recognize that our interests are different.

Here are some realities: Movies with plots attractive to men often contain varying degrees of explicit sex. Movies with plots attactive to women have alot of dysfunctional personal relationships. When I watch an action movie, I am not watching it for the sex scene or the T&A and I doubt your hubby is either. If he was, you’d find him looking at porn which you don’t claim he does.

Here is another reality about men: We are wired to have a refuge/recreation that is often solitary or semi-solitary. Even if we golf with the same foursome every week, it is mostly about four people walking with very little talking while women who golf will jabber the entire 18 holes. When I come home from golf, my wife will ask “Did you hear about “Dan’s” daughter got a new job?” When I tell her we didn’t discuss it, she is flabbergasted as we had just spent four hours together and we talked about nothing. I sometimes think she thinks we are dissing our wives or otherwise gossipping about something I can’t tell her. The truth is we didn’t say much more to each other except for “nice shot” or “I got a bogie” or
“do you like your new putter?”

I have a friend who likes to go onto his deck or in his garage during the winter and smoke a cigar. He insists that for that time he be left alone. While his wife used to go ballistic over the cigar part and that “he excludes me”, she was missing the real issue. He needed this half hour a day to be by himself and gather himself. He is wired different than her. Until she figured it out, it was a point of constant argument.

I really think you need to examine whether these man flics is the cigar and deck in your life.

 

[Traci]

Opps I forgot one thing. Maybe you could check out these links…
clearplay.com/maxfree.aspx?aid=1173 of
familysafemedia.com/edited_movies_-_parental_contr.html (this one has an example of how it works…it is super smooth and YOU control what you want to see and what you don’t, so you could keep the action and remove the indecent stuff)

It is a DVD Player that removes all the “garbage” from movies to make them fami’ly friendly. You used to be able to buy movies with the “garbage” edited out, but I can’t find the link right now.

This way your hubby would get his action without the added “garbage”.

 

[ekblad7]

Thank you all again for the great food for thought. My husband does get his fair share of down time, I believe, aside from the movies. He works out at the gym at least three times/week for an hour or more and plays basketball with a group of men for two hours on Friday mornings and three hours on Saturday mornings. Um, I think I maybe get an hour every couple of weeks to myself.

And I have caught him looking at porn. It was not recently as I’ve installed internet filters on both computers. Mostly for the kids but partly because I don’t trust him.

Anyway - I’ve spent way too much time on the computer today, LOL.

 

[gmarie21]

Speaking as a woman, I tend to think that the overly romantic, movie is almost as bad as porn b/c it causes us women to wish men were more like the men in the movies (hello, “fairytale wedding” is that term for a reason). We’re exposed to “prince charming” when were young, warping what a real relationship (and man) contains. To me, romantic movies give women unrealistic expectations of men, expectations that they can’t possibley live up to.