L
LightFury
Guest
I am a married woman, I’ve been married since 2016 but I’ve been with my husband since 2013. We have a 9 month old daughter together.
I’ve been struggling with embarrassing sins for about half of my life. When I was 7, I moved to a different state with my parents in a wealthy area. I was taunted for looking like a boy, for wearing baggy es, for being ugly, etc. This continued until I was 18. By the time I was 12-13, I was obsessed with being thin, being attractive, being appealing to men. I performed acts on camera (I won’t go into detail) when I was between 13-17 for men in their 30s and 40s online out of desperation for attention. I did not realize how bad this was until I was in my early 20s, when I realized I was severely underage and these men knew this, and continued to encourage me to do these acts.
At the end of 2017, my husband told me he was thinking about leaving me because he thought I was lazy, only treated him like an object, etc. He had given me no indication prior to that incident that he felt this way about me. We had been married for less than a year. That incident completely broke my trust. I had felt secure in my relationship until that point, even though in 2015 I believe there may have been an emotional affair (also possibly physical) between him and a woman from work. Now I cannot trust him; I do not trust that he loves me, that he’s sorry for what he said, that I have nothing to worry about.
Since that moment in 2017, I’ve struggled with what I struggled with years ago, with wanting male attention. I am in a constant state of emotional and mental preparation for being abandoned by my husband. I find myself subconsciously and consciously seeking positive attention from men around me and online. I think I believe that if I receive this attention, it will verify that I AM desirable, that I am wanted and that I have value, which I no longer feel I experience in my marriage. It’s become a constant issue, especially in the past few weeks. I cannot stop myself. I have committed a lot of embarrassing sexual sins because of it, I have avoided going to mass and I have not gone to confession due to embarrassment and shame.
I believe my perception of men has been colored by my experiences as a 7-18 year old from boys at school, and from the men online who knew I was underage and took advantage of me anyway. I think I believe that I only have value in a man’s eyes if I am sexually appealing or attractive, and that because my husband at one point expressed disinterest in me that I am no longer appealing to him and have no value to him.
I suppose I need a lot of validation due to my childhood, when I was never good enough for anyone (parents, friends, classmates, etc). It’s not an excuse, just an observation I’ve had to come to terms with.
I became Catholic Easter 2019. I was not religious until around October of last year, when I entered RCIA class. I did not understand sin or what it was until recently. I want to stop what I’m doing, but on one level I feel like this is the only way for me to not completely fall apart. Also, counseling is out of my budget at the moment.
I’ve been struggling with embarrassing sins for about half of my life. When I was 7, I moved to a different state with my parents in a wealthy area. I was taunted for looking like a boy, for wearing baggy es, for being ugly, etc. This continued until I was 18. By the time I was 12-13, I was obsessed with being thin, being attractive, being appealing to men. I performed acts on camera (I won’t go into detail) when I was between 13-17 for men in their 30s and 40s online out of desperation for attention. I did not realize how bad this was until I was in my early 20s, when I realized I was severely underage and these men knew this, and continued to encourage me to do these acts.
At the end of 2017, my husband told me he was thinking about leaving me because he thought I was lazy, only treated him like an object, etc. He had given me no indication prior to that incident that he felt this way about me. We had been married for less than a year. That incident completely broke my trust. I had felt secure in my relationship until that point, even though in 2015 I believe there may have been an emotional affair (also possibly physical) between him and a woman from work. Now I cannot trust him; I do not trust that he loves me, that he’s sorry for what he said, that I have nothing to worry about.
Since that moment in 2017, I’ve struggled with what I struggled with years ago, with wanting male attention. I am in a constant state of emotional and mental preparation for being abandoned by my husband. I find myself subconsciously and consciously seeking positive attention from men around me and online. I think I believe that if I receive this attention, it will verify that I AM desirable, that I am wanted and that I have value, which I no longer feel I experience in my marriage. It’s become a constant issue, especially in the past few weeks. I cannot stop myself. I have committed a lot of embarrassing sexual sins because of it, I have avoided going to mass and I have not gone to confession due to embarrassment and shame.
I believe my perception of men has been colored by my experiences as a 7-18 year old from boys at school, and from the men online who knew I was underage and took advantage of me anyway. I think I believe that I only have value in a man’s eyes if I am sexually appealing or attractive, and that because my husband at one point expressed disinterest in me that I am no longer appealing to him and have no value to him.
I suppose I need a lot of validation due to my childhood, when I was never good enough for anyone (parents, friends, classmates, etc). It’s not an excuse, just an observation I’ve had to come to terms with.
I became Catholic Easter 2019. I was not religious until around October of last year, when I entered RCIA class. I did not understand sin or what it was until recently. I want to stop what I’m doing, but on one level I feel like this is the only way for me to not completely fall apart. Also, counseling is out of my budget at the moment.