To spank or not to spank, that is the question

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Hi,

I am a new father (just over a year now). My wife and I are expecting our second child in little more than a month.

As our one year old son matures, the question of how to discipline him has recently burst onto the scene. My wife and I have read many books and listened to several tapes by solid Catholic authors about the proper Catholic way to discipline a child.

However, I have noticed that there is a lot to be said for spanking by some sources (e.g. Steve Wood) and not for spanking (e.g. Greg Popcak) by others. I am interested in hearing from any of you who have kids and have heard both sides of the “to spank or not to spank” arguments and what you prayerfully decided to do.

Thank you ahead of time for your advice. I look forward to hearing from you all.

Your brother in Jesus,

Jamieshub
 
Well, I think spanking is one of those things that is best left in your arsenal of discipline until the VERY last resort - and even then you must be in control and only 1 spank.
 
It depends on the child and the reason. Some of my children have never been spanked, while others have received many. If the child responds well to other disciplinary measures, then I would not spank. We have one child that no punishment makes an impact other than spanking.

Our oldest, one of the ones who can probably count the number of spankings on less than one hand, received his most deserved spanking when he was about 4 years old. In this instance, it was the reason that was the overwhelming factor. He was in his car seat and told not to get out when he saw a friend at our church across the road. While I stood by the driver’s side talking to a friend for just a minute, he unbuckled and proceeded to start to run across the street. A car was coming at about 50 mph and if he had not stopped when my friend and I saw him and screamed, he would have died. That sort of life threatening disobedience needs firm, swift punishment that makes a lasting impression…you don’t want them to ever, ever do it again.

As in the case of all discipline, the motivating factor must always be love and the training of the child’s will to be in accord with the Lord’s. Physical reactions in anger are never appropriate. However, discipline in love is.
 
I’ll weigh in here with my experience. We have one child–a strong-minded girl. Since I am the mother and spent the most time with her, I developed my own philosophy after much reading, reflection, and prayer. First, I should say I was one of a large family. My mother was frequently out of control and both parents used spanking and other forms of physical punishment way too much and in the wrong way. So I was predisposed against spanking yet realized that spanking under specific circumstances is often an important tool.

My guidelines were that the first time something happened that was unacceptable I told my daughter to stop; if it was repeated after she was warned; she was told she would be spanked, and the third time I followed through. Of course, this was only if it happened within a short period. If the behavior was extended over hours or days, we would go back to a first warning, a second warning, then a swat. Also, I ONLY spanked once or twice on the butt, with my hand, and NEVER in anger. She used to laugh “It didn’t hurt” (which was fine that it didn’t hurt), she got the point of the spank.

Furthermore, I believe spanking is only one tool in your “arsenal” of parenting techniques. It is most effective when used extremely rarely. Try to use humor, distraction, ignoring, time-out, distancing, and other techniques first. When my daughter was particular little and whiny, an effective technique was for ME to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes. She responded more readily to that than to time-out.

My parents hit/spanked us right through our teen years, which only bred resentment and anger. So I believe you should switch to other punishments. My daughter, now 13, was last spanked at 7–which isn’t to say she has been a perfect child. The most physical I get with her is occasionally to grab her VERY firmly on her upper arm, look her in the eye, and speak very sternly. To which, she looks at her upper arm, protests about the child abuse, and tells me there is going to be a bruise. But she gets the message. And she basically is a great kid.

My husband is much more easy going and has his own parenting style. He spanked our daughter exactly one time in her young life. She was about 6 and was bonking him on the head with a book or something. He hauled off and swatted her once on the butt. You better believe she remembers that to this day–because she was so totally astounded. It taught her that even sweet Dad can’t be messed with.

It is good that you are reading about and thinking about what you will do. You will be better prepared for the inevitable conflicts, because kids will misbehave and test the limits.
 
Just my humble opinion, but my wife and I have followed very closely the attachment parenting model advocated by both Popcak and William Sears (Sears has a great book called the ‘Discipline Book’). Our kids are not by any means perfect, but we have NEVER spanked them, and we regularly get deluged with compliments about how well behaved our children are. Our experience is (and many other attachment parenting advocates will echo this) that if you follow this model of parenting, you kids will generally have such a deep sense of peace and security, that disciplining them is far easier than otherwise.

While spanking is not evil in any way, I simply fail to see why its ever necessary. Other forms of punishment can have the same effect of teaching your children the consequences of their actions. If your willing to take the time and give the attention to address whatever the misbehavior is, you can almost always come up with another form of discipline that works. Why not a less agreesive conseqeunce that actually has something to do with the behavior in question, or revoke a favorite privelage of the child. My kids actually get one warning only, and we are quite strict, but the consequence need not be spanking. I just can’t see why spanking is necessary. It seems like the easy way out.

Having said all that, my parents spanked and I am fairly normal (twitch :bigyikes: twitch)
 
La Chiara:
She was about 6 and was bonking him on the head with a book or something. He hauled off and swatted her once on the butt. You better believe she remembers that to this day–because she was so totally astounded. It taught her that even sweet Dad can’t be messed with.
This is the ultimate reason for a spanking… so the child remembers. If you can do another action that will provide the same reaction, then I don’t spank. But when there is no other choice, or when the child MUST REALIZE the seriousness of the matter (as with the child above who almost got hit by a car), a spanking is an appropriate disciplinary action.

We all can realize that wether it’s ‘time-outs’ or ‘grounding’ if we as parents use it too much, the punishment looses its effectiveness. For small children- when they do not have the skills to reason all the way through a thought- spanking is sometimes the only way to impose upon them how serious you are.

I’m a big believer in making the crime fit the punishment if at all possible. I have found this works a lot better as my child gets older. I have found that if one is spankings after the age of 6 or 7 then that parent may be missing out on opportunities for learning about making mistakes, rectifying them, and other life lessons.

So I think, spank when appropriate- but as with everything, too much of it can be bad- and in fact overshadow other more appropriate approaches to discipline.
 
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Shiann:
This is the ultimate reason for a spanking… so the child remembers. If you can do another action that will provide the same reaction, then I don’t spank. But when there is no other choice, or when the child MUST REALIZE the seriousness of the matter (as with the child above who almost got hit by a car), a spanking is an appropriate disciplinary action.
How about for the child too young to understand, a rule that when they are near the street, the child either must hold your hand or be in your arms at all times, non-negotiable. If the child is too young to understand the danger of getting hit, and you place them, or allow them to be placed in a situation which exceeds their resources to handle, its seems strange that they should be punished via spanking so they remember. :confused: How about watching them like a hawk until their old enough to comprehend the danger?
 
First and foremost, you need to know your child, because each child reacts differently to discipline.

One thing I noticed are people discussing warnings. I used to warn my children, and it taught them that Dad didn’t mean business until the 2nd time he said it, or the 3rd time, or the 4th time. Whining is a good example. How many parents say, “Stop whining.” “Stop whining, you heard me.” “Stop whining, or your going to get .” “Stop whining, I mean it this time.”

I found it was actually kinder to my children to give no warnings at all. They know the rules. First infraction means consequence. Always. These days, the consequence is usually mild, like a 1 or 2 minute time out for whining, because they usually obey. Hurting their sibling brings on more punishment. I reserve spankings for serious things that put them at risk of getting hurt. They don’t even argue the consequences anymore. The big blessing of this is I got out of the repetitive threats and warnings game. They know Dad means business.

BTW, I really enjoyed Deacon Dr. Bob McDonald’s tape, How to Raise Great Children, available for free from the Mary Foundation, at www.catholicity.com

FWIW, my children are 8, 9, and 10.

If your child is a “difficult child”, I recommend modifications to this approach. Start a new thread for difficult kids.
 
Im a Father of 3. Girl 8, boys 6 and 4. I have come up with some rules for myself when I spank my children.
  1. Always spank out of Love not out of anger.
  2. Never spank as a “knee jerk” reaction.
To discipline a Father must have self discipline, you can’t give what you don’t have.
  1. I spank the bottom and hands only.
I think it’s inherently disrespectful to hit the face. Leave your child as much dignity as possible.
  1. Hit hard enough so they feel it.
If you don’t want them to feel it then don’t bother spanking at all.
  1. Let them know why you spanked them, and how they can avoid it in the future. Tell them it’s because you Love them.
  2. My kids usually only get spanked for 1 reason. Direct disobedience (not just because they forgot.) They get more than one chance to avoid this punishment to.
  3. Keep your promise. If you tell them “they’re going to get one next time they do whatever” then do it (unless there is extenuating circumstance).
If children don’t learn obedience from their Father, who will teach them?
 
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familyof8:
Our oldest, one of the ones who can probably count the number of spankings on less than one hand, received his most deserved spanking when he was about 4 years old. In this instance, it was the reason that was the overwhelming factor. He was in his car seat and told not to get out when he saw a friend at our church across the road. While I stood by the driver’s side talking to a friend for just a minute, he unbuckled and proceeded to start to run across the street. A car was coming at about 50 mph and if he had not stopped when my friend and I saw him and screamed, he would have died. That sort of life threatening disobedience needs firm, swift punishment that makes a lasting impression…you don’t want them to ever, ever do it again.
This IMHO is an appropriate use of corporal punishment. This child was 4, and mobile. His spanking- and (I imagine his mother’s extreme distress) imposed upon him the seriousness of the matter.

I cannot think of anything else in this situation that would have been as effective.

Some people have very calm children. I have friends who would spank if they needed to- but the children respond well to all the other non physical punishments. This is obviously the way we would all like to raise kids.

Again, spanking is only last resort. But there ARE situations where reasoning with a four year old is not as effective as one swift smack on the bottom.
 
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SteveG:
I just can’t see why spanking is necessary. It seems like the easy way out.
Your statement implies that you think that physical punishment is more harsh. On the contrary mental and spiritual punishment can be much more so.

Physical punishment is sometimes needed because Humans are composites of the Spiritual and the Physical.

Really my boys are over a spanking in minutes while other types of punishments can leave them sulking or feeling bad about themselves all day.
 
I have not seen this problem in this thread, but it is good to point out that there is a difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment is the opposite of a reward: a negative result received from a non-desired action. It is negative re-inforcement, if you will. Be good, get a cookie, be bad and you don’t. Discipline includes teachings as to why behaviors are not desired. So far, everyone is taking the education part into account. Without discpline, even if it is just telling the child that that is not acceptable, the spankings will eventually have no effect.

As far as spankings go, it seems that everyone in prison was spanked, but very few had discipline.
 
Thank you all for your great responses to my question. I have one follow up that relates to the last post, though.

How does one “discipline” or explain the why of something to a strong willed 16 month old boy. It seems to me that his lack of understanding gets in the way of this. Please correct me if I am wrong about this. I welcome your personal experiences.

While reading the book “Parenting with Grace” by Gregory Popcak he really drives home the difference between discipline and punishment and I agreed with all of it, but I have trouble understanding how to discipline my son short of a quick swat (which doesn’t always work). Any thoughts?

Thanks again and God bless!

Jamieshub
 
I’m don’t agree with spanking. Part of the reason is because prior to my adoption and being taken into custody, I was severely beaten all the time, I still remember it. The other part is that when i was in foster care, foster parents weren’t allowed to touch a child unless the child was physically violent with them, so despite my very bad and troubled behavior, my sister and I were never spanked and turned out fine. There are other ways to discipline.
 
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jamieshub:
Hi,

I am a new father (just over a year now). My wife and I are expecting our second child in little more than a month.

As our one year old son matures, the question of how to discipline him has recently burst onto the scene. My wife and I have read many books and listened to several tapes by solid Catholic authors about the proper Catholic way to discipline a child.

However, I have noticed that there is a lot to be said for spanking by some sources (e.g. Steve Wood) and not for spanking (e.g. Greg Popcak) by others. I am interested in hearing from any of you who have kids and have heard both sides of the “to spank or not to spank” arguments and what you prayerfully decided to do.

Thank you ahead of time for your advice. I look forward to hearing from you all.

Your brother in Jesus,

Jamieshub
 
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ralphinal:
As far as spankings go, it seems that everyone in prison was spanked, but very few had discipline.
Not true. Statistics say that those in prison didn’t have parents enough that cared. Not whether or not they spanked. Those Parents may have beaten but there is a difference.

BTW I’m a Prison Guard.
 
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jamieshub:
How does one “discipline” or explain the why of something to a strong willed 16 month old boy. It seems to me that his lack of understanding gets in the way of this. Please correct me if I am wrong about this. I welcome your personal experiences.
When you can tell your child “go get your fire truck not the bus” and he/she can do this regularly this is first indication that they are starting to reason.
 
I come from a family of 7 brothers and 1 sister. We never got spanked. We all turned out pretty good. I now have 3 children and I would never hit them.

Make sure your kids get enough sleep. If they don’t its probably your own fault and selfishness. If they are overtired and naughty you only have yourself to blame.
 
lol My parents spanked me and my brother when we were little. 😛 Because of it, my parents were always getting compliments on how well-behaved we were. You just have to teach them at a young that if they do something wrong, they’ll get spanked (A TIME OUT DOES NOT WORK). If I was doing something wrong, and my parents said, “If you don’t stop, you’ll get a spanking.” so I stopped. lol Spanking may seem harsh but if you baby your kids and let them do whatever they want, they’ll walk all over you and won’t grow up to be good adults, or good Catholics, for that matter. That’s my opinion, anyway. :cool:
 
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