What does loving someone you don't agree with look like?

[MotherAtHeart]

This question grew out of my desire to love as Christ loves. In today’s Gospel, He says, “Love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

I would like to know if anyone has advice for how to act in love towards those who state things contrary to your beliefs, whether family, friends, or someone you probably won’t see again. I would think different approaches are necessary depending on who you are speaking with. I am often in a position where I don’t know exactly how to respond, especially to my father and my brother, in a way that projects Christ’s love first and foremost but still addresses the issue.

I know there is a time and place for everything and remaining calm and humble is very important. While I may struggle with it, I am capable of being quiet and not addressing it. I just don’t believe we are always called to do this. I’m curious if anyone has found something that works for them.

 

[mamaslo]

While I realize that sometimes we need to say something. Very often, I change the subject and try to meet on terms we can see. In other words, I skirt the issue because often they are just trying to get a reaction.

Another way would be to state what you believe and say, “let’s change the subject”. They will not hear what you have to say unless they have given you the latitude to.

So keeping peace, and waiting until the right time, would be a good way to handle it. “Be wise as serpents and as gentle as doves”.

 

[SMHW]

This question grew out of my desire to love as Christ loves. In today’s Gospel, He says, “Love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
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I’m curious if anyone has found something that works for them.

I think your last sentence is key here. What do you mean by “works”?

I think most people are looking for a way to be loving *AND *maintaining a relationship. And of course why wouldn’t they want that. But I would just point out that *sometimes *being loving means being willing to to sacrifice a relationship.

That said…

Consider the nature of the conflict and what it is about which you disagree. Is it a fundamental disagreement? Or do you perhaps agree on a value or or goal but disagree on the means to achieve it? Or do you oppose each other on something that is fundamentally a matter of taste?

Most of us do not completely disagree in our beliefs. It always helps to acknowledge that about which we do agree first. It’s usually good to get clarity on why we disagree too. Sometimes our disagreements are based on false assumptions or on unfortunate past experiences. For instance, if a disagreement comes about over politics and religion it would be good to point out how religious values are in agreement with political values and how they are in conflict. It might also be useful to show that different political parties may differ greatly on policy but they may in fact be trying to achieve the same moral goal.

And always understand that correcting a family member is never simple. It doesn’t matter whether you are dealing with a parent, a sibling, a child, or an extended family member. A challenge to an idea will be often interpreted as an attempt to gain status in the family pecking order at the expense of the other. When addressing someone who perceives themselves to be in authority over you it may help to express a bit of separation between yourself and your point of view. By that I mean that instead of saying, “I believe this thing that is different from what you believe,” you say something like, “I’m told the Catholic Church says this thing but you say something else.” (If Church authority is the issue then I wouldn’t recommend that approach either.)

 

[shainski]

It’s funny. Just last night, i put on a movie that the kids had requested. It was “Jesus of Nazareth”. We had requested it from the library the week of Easter and didn’t realize that it was 3 VHS tapes. So it abruptly ended.

In the second tape, it has Jesus’s adult life. He’s meeting those who will become his disciples.

after meeting all the people gathering at John’s home, Matthew (the tax collector) shows up. he’s shunned by everyone. He asks Jesus if he can join the group (in a mocking way). John makes it clear that Matthew is not welcome in his home. Jesus tells Matthew that he would meet him in Matthew’s home. John objects to this. Jesus is willing to go where ever anyone welcomes him.

When he gets there, many people of questionable backgrounds are partying. Jesus sits down and tells them he wants to tell them a story. He then begins telling them the story of the prodigal son. As everyone begins to quiet down - they realize that they are not being judged. The prodigal son was welcomed back home despite veering off path. Not only was he welcomed back, he was celebrated - not for what he did, but that he is back. Of course, his brother didn’t understand why - he who had been so faithful to his father - didn’t warrant the same celebration. It was very powerful the way it is presented.

I think if we are to have influence on others, we have to allow them into our lives. We don’t have to condone their actions.

How would Jesus react today? Confronted with same-sex marriage? with abortion? modern warfare? living together before marriage? divorce? drugs? pornography?

I don’t know the answer. But I’m pretty sure that he would have kept a dialog going. I think he would have been welcoming and understanding.

You don’t have to win every discussion. Sometimes you will have to leave it without a resolution. Care more about the person that you are talking with than the issue at hand.

If you are meeting someone you won’t see again - leave them with a positive impression of you. Maybe you will ignite in them the curiosity to seek out more - later.

 

[TryingToLearn]

Praying for the person is always a way to express love for a person. That you will turn to God and ask Him to bless them, to have mercy on them, and to show you how He wants you to be part of His loving and merciful plan is something we should always be able to do if we wish to be true followers of Christ.

Showing simple courtesy and respect despite differences is another way to show love even in difficult circumstances.

Or stop and think about what you might do to show love to another person that is similarly related if you had not allowed your heart to become hardened against that person. You might send a sick friend a get well card, or take flowers and visit a family member in the hospital, or a close friend you might just drop by the house and unexpectedly leave a six-pack or bottle of a great new beverage you’ve found, just to share your discovery with that close friend. Choose to do some similarly loving act for someone your heart is hardened against.

Going back to the first, prayer. In your prayer for that person reflect on the positive Christ-like attributes of that person. Try to see them as God sees his son or daughter and praise God for the good you see. And if you are praying a petition for that person regarding what you find hard to accept in that person, be sure to focus on their nature as God sees them. They are a beautiful soul that God desires to be with, evil influence and human frailties have marred that beauty and what we want for ourselves and others is to remove those stains and let the pure beauty of the soul shine forth to glorify God. They are just like you, a soul with immeasurable dignity and value in God’s eyes, but flawed, broken, fallen, undeserving of any gift God has given you, in desperate need of His love, grace, and mercy. But, He thinks you are worth it and He thinks the same of even the person you have allowed your heart to turn away from.

How you approach it varies, you may not currently be able to bring yourself to talk with or be near the person. And you may need to distance yourself from the person for a time, fixed or indefinite. But, even if you must end the relationship, pray for that person. Pray that you learn to heal the relationship, pray that you learn how to love that person, pray that whatever troubled you and led to you having to create distance will cease to be an issue. I hesitate to pray that God fix them, it may be me that is confused and in need of healing, I let Him fix the real problem instead of pridefully assuming that I know I’m fine and they need healing…

 

[constantconvert]

This question grew out of my desire to love as Christ loves. In today’s Gospel, He says, “Love one another as I love you. No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

I would like to know if anyone has advice for how to act in love towards those who state things contrary to your beliefs, whether family, friends, or someone you probably won’t see again. I would think different approaches are necessary depending on who you are speaking with. I am often in a position where I don’t know exactly how to respond, especially to my father and my brother, in a way that projects Christ’s love first and foremost but still addresses the issue.

I know there is a time and place for everything and remaining calm and humble is very important. While I may struggle with it, I am capable of being quiet and not addressing it. I just don’t believe we are always called to do this. I’m curious if anyone has found something that works for them.

Sounds like you’re doing great. There is a time to be quiet, there is a time to address the issue with love, there is a time to agree to disagree. I think you have to depend on the Holy Spirit and ask Him to lead you.

Maybe if you tell us the kind of issues that come up with your dad and brother we could help you more specifically.

 

[MotherAtHeart]

But I would just point out that *sometimes *being loving means being willing to to sacrifice a relationship.

Most of us do not completely disagree in our beliefs. It always helps to acknowledge that about which we do agree first. It’s usually good to get clarity on why we disagree too.

It might also be useful to show that different political parties may differ greatly on policy but they may in fact be trying to achieve the same moral goal.

And always understand that correcting a family member is never simple.

Thank you for your response. You’ve reinforced concepts that I already know, but don’t always remember when I’m in a difficult situation. It’s good for me to hear them again.

It’s definitely true that all of our relationships are not meant to last for life. This was hard for me to grasp at first. God’s will is far more complex than what we tell children - if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all. I am not by any means suggesting we be mean, there are just things that are true that won’t necessarily make the person you’re speaking to feel “good,” at least in that moment. I am somewhat of a “people pleaser,” and I was raised by one, so making someone uncomfortable goes against my instincts.

I often think about what you said in reference to politics. We are all trying to make a better country - we just believe different paths will get us there. I’ll have to remember to start at this place the next time I talk about politics.

And you’re right again. When you’re dealing with family members there is no easy route. Especially when you’re attempting to correct - usually I am just trying to express they hurt me with what they said but even that’s difficult.

 

[MotherAtHeart]

I think he would have been welcoming and understanding.

You don’t have to win every discussion. Sometimes you will have to leave it without a resolution. Care more about the person that you are talking with than the issue at hand.

If you are meeting someone you won’t see again - leave them with a positive impression of you. Maybe you will ignite in them the curiosity to seek out more - later.

These are beautiful thoughts. You reminded me of the wrist bans people used to wear - WWJD? - What Would Jesus Do?.

Some people are blessed with realizing just how much God loves them. It is important to remember that every person we meet is someone God loves in that same fierce, overwhelming way.

 

[LSK]

It looks like my house.

My mother, as she ages, is getting stranger and stranger in her ideas. It causes heart ache for me, but I love her anyway and try not to argue unless she makes a statement about Catholicism that is so off base I cannot let it go. Then she gets angry at me and accuses me of thinking I am better than anyone else…so I shut my mouth, go to my room and cry.

Then I try to remember she is 90 and this could be a slight dementia and I just love her anyway.

 

[Aggies08]

Once you know they are aware of your beliefs, it means biting your tongue about subjects you would otherwise bring up, and gently reminding them that you disagree because of [something succinct], and that subject isn’t best to talk about, when it is brought up.

 

[catholic_rn]

I think if we are to have influence on others, we have to allow them into our lives. We don’t have to condone their actions.

How would Jesus react today? Confronted with same-sex marriage? with abortion? modern warfare? living together before marriage? divorce? drugs? pornography?

I don’t know the answer. But I’m pretty sure that he would have kept a dialog going. I think he would have been welcoming and understanding.

I’m not so sure I agree with this. Where exactly do you draw the line? Because sometimes you have to.

We unfortunately have two pedophiles in our family. Two years ago, as I was learning of the situation, I put my foot down and refused to allow myself or my family around these two. I was told, “Jesus walked with criminals. I’m sure there were plenty of pedophiles among them. If Jesus can walk with pedophiles, you can too.” I can’t imagine that Jesus would NOT be welcoming, but I also have a hard time believing that he would expect me to welcome them as well, especially since we have young children. Sometimes allowing someone into our lives IS condoning what they are doing, even if we disagree with them.

 

[shainski]

I’m not so sure I agree with this. Where exactly do you draw the line? Because sometimes you have to.

We unfortunately have two pedophiles in our family. Two years ago, as I was learning of the situation, I put my foot down and refused to allow myself or my family around these two. I was told, “Jesus walked with criminals. I’m sure there were plenty of pedophiles among them. If Jesus can walk with pedophiles, you can too.” I can’t imagine that Jesus would NOT be welcoming, but I also have a hard time believing that he would expect me to welcome them as well, especially since we have young children. Sometimes allowing someone into our lives IS condoning what they are doing, even if we disagree with them.

You do have a good point.

Where would i draw the line? Well, if it impacts anyone else other than me, then i would think carefully of the relationship. Certainly I would not expose my children to a pedophile. Jesus didn’t have children - so i can’t know how he might have handled this - But if i felt that my children would be harmed physically, emotionally - or socially by exposure to someone - then i wouldn’t expose them to that person.

And I myself, might excuse myself from a confrontation if i found the person so repulsive that i couldn’t bear to be around them.

But that wasn’t what i was thinking. I was thinking along the lines of the uncle who comes to Thanksgiving that you disagree with about a great deal - but because he is family, he is going to be invited. Now, you may choose to engage him in a conversation - and yell over each other. Or you can try to find a easier way to guide past those hot-button topics.

If the uncle is a pedophile, and i couldn’t control the invitation - then i might very well choose to celebrate the holiday at home with my immediate family.

 

[SMHW]

I think there needs to be a distinction made between disagreements and sin.

People can disagree about what constitutes sin. And they can also fall victim to temptation and engage in sinful behavior. (And once having engaged in sinful behavior they may try to justify their actions by arguing that those actions were never sinful in the first place.)

Sin always effects people other than those who are sinning. But some sins have a greater “proximity factor” than do other sins. Pedophilia is definitely one of those sins. Respecting the proximity limits is usually best for both potential sinner and potential victims. In practice, that means that children should not be taken to locations where it can be expected that someone with pedophile tendencies is going to be present. Nor should pedophiles be invited to places where children will be present.

Jesus himself sometimes chose to hide from his enemies because he knew he knew it was not the appropriate time to face them. We need to use our intellect to decide when we should engage those who oppose us and when we should maintain a safe distance.

 

[catholic_rn]

I think there needs to be a distinction made between disagreements and sin.

People can disagree about what constitutes sin. And they can also fall victim to temptation and engage in sinful behavior. (And once having engaged in sinful behavior they may try to justify their actions by arguing that those actions were never sinful in the first place.)

Sin always effects people other than those who are sinning. But some sins have a greater “proximity factor” than do other sins. Pedophilia is definitely one of those sins. Respecting the proximity limits is usually best for both potential sinner and potential victims. In practice, that means that children should not be taken to locations where it can be expected that someone with pedophile tendencies is going to be present. Nor should pedophiles be invited to places where children will be present.

Jesus himself sometimes chose to hide from his enemies because he knew he knew it was not the appropriate time to face them. We need to use our intellect to decide when we should engage those who oppose us and when we should maintain a safe distance.

Very good points.