🤦‍♀️Struggle🤦‍♀️

[Xantippe]

I never said said the contrary. (reading the OP I’d say as much). I’ve seen some women who burden their partner, evoking moral obligation, loading on to him their ex. Only to, soon after, cruelly abandon their partner evoking they owe him nothing. The paradox goes to show a potential double self-serving hypocrisy.

Xantippe:

Being “nice” is often a major obstacle to chastity for women.

Lust is an obstacle to chastity. That is the sin you should look out for. Poor me, a source of temptation to every girl. I’ll retreat to mount Carmel and become a hermit from this day forth.

I’m writing primarily for the benefit of the OP, who is probably still vulnerable to thinking, “Poor ex-bf, so sad from a breakup! I need to kiss his booboos and make it all better!”

Lust is by no means the only temptation in play–there’s also sometimes an element of pride in believing that you can “fix” somebody who doesn’t want to be fixed, and that you’re the only person for the job. (See also Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Beauty and the Beast, Fifty Shades of Grey, etc., etc.) There can be a lot of humility in realizing a) I’m not going to fix this person and b) the Holy Spirit does not need me to minister to my ex-boyfriend.

Speaking as a long married lady, I don’t think that boyfriends and girlfriends (especially when it’s a relationship characterized by a lot of sexual sin) owe each other a lot. In the OP’s case, one of the nicest things she can do for her ex is keeping her distance and not committing sexual sins with him.

 

[adgloriam]

I don’t take things that far.

To me the OP seems very bright. Perfectly able to distinguish (and discern) all the particularities your mention. Nor would I induce or deduce anything, or elaborate, in any way (and certainly not in that way).

 

[DarkLight]

It really isn’t uncommon for guys to try to get under a girl’s skin by implying that she’s a bad person if she doesn’t do something for him. And a lot of guys won’t start with sex on that front. There’s always the coffee date to “talk things over” or something, you know, just give him a chance to talk to you and understand? And then the talking things over becomes trying to persuade her to just, you know, come up and talk in private…

Plenty of us mention such things because we’ve either fallen for them ourselves, or watched perfectly intelligent lady friends fall for them.

 

[adgloriam]

Am I the only on this thread holding chastity in thought? Chastity in word might also be prudent of all posters.

 

[Xantippe]

To me the OP seems very bright. Perfectly able to distinguish (and discern) all the particularities your mention.

Yes, but there’s no harm in mentioning it.

A lot of times, we think of our bad relationships and our sins as special and unique, but the truth is that sin and dysfunctional relationships are as common as dandelions. But it’s hard to see that when you are in one or too close to one.

I remember a bad relationship I was in for way too long, and at the time, there was a lot of enchantment in the idea that I am the special snowflake who can help him! With the benefit of distance, I realize a) I wasn’t helping him that much and b) he was incredibly selfish and c) any marriage between us would have been terrible and/or doomed. But you need distance to see through the enchantment.

 

[adgloriam]

persuade her to just, you know

Actually I don’t ! There are still catholic gentleman left in this world…

 

[Xantippe]

Am I the only on this thread holding chastity in thought?

No.

But it may be that you don’t have a lot of practical experience with what a woman needs to be chaste, especially a woman with a “past” with a particular person.

 

[TheLittleLady]

A lot of times, we think of our bad relationships and our sins as special and unique, but the truth is that sin and dysfunctional relationships are as common as dandelions. But it’s hard to see that when you are in one or too close to one.

I remember a bad relationship I was in for way too long, and at the time, there was a lot of enchantment in the idea that I am the special snowflake who can help him! With the benefit of distance, I realize a) I wasn’t helping him that much and b) he was incredibly selfish and c) any marriage between us would have been terrible and/or doomed. But you need distance to see through the enchantment.

This. Some of us never get to the place where we realize that the human condition is universal, that our pain is not unique, that we are not “fated” to be the one who tames the bad boy.

The other one is realizing that his wife likely does “understand him”. (That one is for reference when a married guy starts to hit on someone. They all use the same line.)

 

[Xantippe]

The other one is realizing that his wife likely does “understand him”. (That one is for reference when a married guy starts to hit on someone. They all use the same line.)

Note the flattery here, the implication that the woman being addressed understands him in a way his wife can’t, that they have a unique, special connection.

It may also take some time to realize that “You’re not like the other girls” is true primarily because the other girls know that that’s a line and see right through it.

It’s interesting that humility can be a girl’s best friend here, namely realizing that it’s very unlikely that I understand this guy better than his wife does, that I’m not his savior, and I’m not completely unlike other young women.

 

[Xantippe]

While we’re giving advice for young ladies, here’s another one (not original to me).

Don’t feel obligated to be “nice” to people whose intentions may or may not be pure, especially if being “nice” means endangering your morals or personal safety.

This is a good book:

The Gift of Fear - Wikipedia

The Wikipedia section on danger signs (PINS) is especially helpful. You’ll notice that it’s common to leverage people’s niceness against them.

 

[Mary888]

You did well to shove him off. Even if he is secretely the man of your dreams, if he phoned you minutes away from his breakup with his gf he is only just looking for a pillow in between relationships. Nobody moves this fast in between relationships even if many move fast between beds.
But you shouldn’t bother to lie just say you are too busy and this is pretty obvious in itself. You are under no obligation to listen to the story of his past relationship or amuse him just because you are friends and you a girl and he a boy.

 

[Xantippe]

You are under no obligation to listen to the story of his past relationship or amuse him just because you are friends and you a girl and he a boy.

Exactly.

He has male friends, right? Why doesn’t he cry on their shoulders?

 

[RandomAlias]

I don’t take things that far.

Am I the only on this thread holding chastity in thought? Chastity in word might also be prudent of all posters.

Actually I don’t ! There are still catholic gentleman left in this world…

Your chastity and charity in thought and word are much appreciated. I noticed that the Original Poster said nothing about sex or chastity, but it came up in the replies. No worries; the replies were all well-intended, and the Original Poster can sort it and keep whatever is good and true.

 

[CatholicSpirit]

The Holy Spirit will guide along with their Guardian angels. There is no way to p(name removed by moderator)oint the aggressor here as far as I can tell.

 

[DarkLight]

While we’re giving advice for young ladies, here’s another one (not original to me).

Don’t feel obligated to be “nice” to people whose intentions may or may not be pure, especially if being “nice” means endangering your morals or personal safety.

This doesn’t just apply to sexual temptation either. I’ve had to apply it before to young men who were a little too insistent on how I ought to go out with them. If the guy “won’t back off”, he’s in that category.

The main point is, you don’t owe an ex-boyfriend anything beyond basic decency. You certainly don’t owe them anything like coming over to talk or going on a date or anything.