18-yr-old sister living w/ a 22-yr-old man. What to do?

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I live 3 hrs from my little sister (I am 27) who is living w/ her boyfriend who is 22. They have been living together for a year after my parents allowed her to do so. I have spoken w/ her about it and her claim is that she is happier now than she’s ever been. I have issues w/ both my parents for letting her go and w/ her for doing it. Has anyone had any successes w/ this family issue? My sister is obviously travelled far from her Catholic faith.
 
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kalebevans:
I live 3 hrs from my little sister (I am 27) who is living w/ her boyfriend who is 22. They have been living together for a year after my parents allowed her to do so. I have spoken w/ her about it and her claim is that she is happier now than she’s ever been. I have issues w/ both my parents for letting her go and w/ her for doing it. Has anyone had any successes w/ this family issue? My sister is obviously travelled far from her Catholic faith.
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pray a lot for her
maybe you could give her some statistics on how many couples separate after living together premaritally
send her “Contraception Why Not” onemoresoul.com will send it to you free

my Mother my Confidence,
Corinne
 
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kalebevans:
I live 3 hrs from my little sister (I am 27) who is living w/ her boyfriend who is 22. They have been living together for a year after my parents allowed her to do so. I have spoken w/ her about it and her claim is that she is happier now than she’s ever been. I have issues w/ both my parents for letting her go and w/ her for doing it. Has anyone had any successes w/ this family issue? My sister is obviously travelled far from her Catholic faith.
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It’s wrong even if the guy was 18 too. I knew couples who the one guy was in his late 30’s and she was 19. Sin is a sin. She sees like a very insecure person, who probably lacked the father figure, or just never recieved proper theological instruction.
 
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kalebevans:
I live 3 hrs from my little sister (I am 27) who is living w/ her boyfriend who is 22. They have been living together for a year after my parents allowed her to do so. I have spoken w/ her about it and her claim is that she is happier now than she’s ever been. I have issues w/ both my parents for letting her go and w/ her for doing it. Has anyone had any successes w/ this family issue? My sister is obviously travelled far from her Catholic faith.
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There really isn’t much you can do for your sister besides pray for her and be an example to her. And don’t come down too hard on your parents… maybe this was the only way they thought they could keep from losing a relationship with her?

I agree with Corinne about giving your sister some stats on divorce rates etc on couples who shack up. But be prepared to meet with a lot of resistence.

Either your sister knows deep down that what she is doing is wrong or she really truly believes there is nothing wrong with it.

Whichever is true, she is not going to take your advice willingly. Just try to maintain an open relationship with her so she knows she can come to you when she needs your advice.

Malia
 
Feanaro's Wife:
There really isn’t much you can do for your sister besides pray for her and be an example to her. And don’t come down too hard on your parents… maybe this was the only way they thought they could keep from losing a relationship with her?

I agree with Corinne about giving your sister some stats on divorce rates etc on couples who shack up. But be prepared to meet with a lot of resistence.

Either your sister knows deep down that what she is doing is wrong or she really truly believes there is nothing wrong with it.

Whichever is true, she is not going to take your advice willingly. Just try to maintain an open relationship with her so she knows she can come to you when she needs your advice.

Malia
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YUP.
 
It’s time to preach and pray.

If they are so happy together and so convinced it’s the best they can get, why not marry?

If they are not convinced it’s the right person, why have sex?

Simple and logical.
 
I agree with all the above advice. One time give her all your information, the statistics, and all the other reasons for your disapproval and then outwardly let it drop. You can’t change another person, all you can do is secretly pray for them. Sometimes when you push too hard an extreme recalcitrance will set in and the person will purposely do the exact opposite of what you want.

I can give you an example from my own life. My hubby’s older sister was in an abusive relationship. From the begining of this relationship, I saw signs of his disrespect for her and very passionately warned her. After her marriage, she confided that he had strangled her. I was outraged and very heated in my insistence that she leave the jerk. She became angry at me!! I begged her to come live with us, but she refused. In time, she stopped telling me anything about her husband, except how wonderful he was. She finally left him, but she didn’t let us know. For 16 months, we had no idea where she was. HEr phone was disconnected and her new number was not listed. We are over 16 hours away from her and were at a loss in how to find her. Finally, my husband called the police in the area where she used to live and informed them that he was terrified something had happend to his sister. I’d say that in less then three hours, the police had found her location and given it to us! It turns out that she was embarrassed to let us know that she had left her husband. She thought that we would say, “I told you so.” and she has a lot of pride.

Because of this experince, I now believe that pushing too hard-even when you are right-can have the wrong effect. I would definitly let my sis know how I felt but do it just once. Prayer has a lot more power then our words.
 
Unless they are living in a brother-sister type relationship, they are living in sin and if your parents gave her their permission to do this, then they will be equally held accountable because it is a parent’s job to steer their children down the correct path.
 
In addition to the excellent comments others have made, here’s another consideration.

Funny thing about ages… when you’re in your mid-20s or later, a 4-year differences in ages is a rather small thing. But when she’s 18, and he’s 22, it’s huge. One thing I would be especially concerned about is the potential for some kind of abuse or coersion in the relationship. Certainly not in every case. But something to be aware of, if you have any way to keep an eye on what’s really going on in the relationship.
 
By the way, 18 and 22 isn’t abnormal, but the potential for male domination is indeed increased. Perhaps it’s the guy talking her into things. Like threatening to dump her or whatever, or acting sad because she doesn’t love him and she doesn’t love him because she doesn’t have sex with him etc etc. Not like girls younger than you can’t pull it on you, but guys older than you are quite likely to do that.
 
Pray for her, speak very kindly to her, and encourage them to marry if they really are so happy.

Even good people can get caught in bad situations because they may not realize how bad they are. She’s young. She probably doesn’t get why it’s a problem. Maybe some reading material would be appropriate, like something by Jason Evert.

Oh, and while abuse or coersion should be considered, just because there is an age difference doesn’t mean she is in any more danger than any other young woman. Plenty of abused women, probably most, are abused by men their own age. The age difference here isn’t that big.
 
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deb1:
She thought that we would say, “I told you so.” and she has a lot of pride.
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Yes. You might even extract a promise from her that if she changes her mind, she will call you, so you can drop everything to come and help her move. Give her some cash to hold in secret, so she can call a cab and check into a hotel while she waits for you.

In return you will promise that no “I told you so” will ever cross your lips. She may think you’re being ridiculous, but tell her you won’t sleep unless she takes the money and promises. You want her to know that you are worried about her, not about being right. Even if she never uses it and thinks you are hopelessly overprotective, she’ll love you for it.
 
I guess I will be the BLACK SHEEP of this conversation.
I am 26 / 27 in a few months and my girlfriend and I have been living together now for the past two years. She just turned 26 on Thursday and we are getting married in September.

When I told my parents that my girlfriend and were going to move in together, the only thing they said to me was “You are old enough to make your own decisions.” Even though they did not agree with my decision, they told me how they felt and that was that.

When my girlfriend / fiance decided to get married, we were a little worried about what the church might have said if they knew we were living together. When we met with our priest back in February to start our marriage preparations, one of the first questions he asked us was if we were living together. I was shocked to hear that he didn’t lecture us on how living together before marriage is morally wrong, but he did give us the facts of how couples who live together before marriage tend to end in divorce, verses couples who don’t live together before marriage.

When we attended our precana classes in April, there were 26 other couples there with us and all of them were living together. Again, I was expecting a huge lecture on how this is morally wrong, but instead, we received the churches stance on the subject and the facts.

I know this is not an excuse, but I was married before and truthfully, if I had lived with my exwife before she and I got married, I would have never married her. Maybe she and I weren’t meant to be. I am Catholic, she is Protestant.

Anyway, I guess my post here really does not have meaning to it.
I guess what I am getting at is that your sister is 18 years old (legally an adult) and if she is supporting herself, the only thing you can really do is tell her how you feel and pray for her.

Like I said before, my parents do not agree with me and my girlfriend living together, but they love me and they love my girlfriend and we all get a long great.
 
Sir Knight:
Unless they are living in a brother-sister type relationship, they are living in sin and if your parents gave her their permission to do this, then they will be equally held accountable because it is a parent’s job to steer their children down the correct path.
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Perhaps we need to recall the admonition of St James here: " Who are you to pass judgement?"

These parents may have gone through hell over this. If a young woman is determined to walk away from the family home, what are the parents supposed to do? lock her up, beat her up?

My advice would be,“Pray a lot and say little”
 
You and your financee love each other and that is a good thing. I hope you have a happy and fulfilled lifetime together. I also hope, that you realize the evil of sex outside of marriage and repent. We can justify anything we desire. Living together is not sinful, but sexual relationships outside of marriage are. Usually those who live together have sex as well. Just because a priest does not lecture someone who knows better, does not make an action right. Further, just because everyone else is doing it, still does not make it right.

Love and peace in Christ,
Bob
 
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misericordie:
She sees like a very insecure person, who probably lacked the father figure, or just never recieved proper theological instruction.
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Beg to differ here but some had pretty good theological instruction and still choose to live in sin (my own daughter who now denies God and Christianity is one example). There is far more to this than meets the eye so, prayer is often our only recourse in cases like this, and to continue to live the sinner and hate the sin!

Brenda V.
 
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kalebevans:
I live 3 hrs from my little sister (I am 27) who is living w/ her boyfriend who is 22. They have been living together for a year after my parents allowed her to do so. I have spoken w/ her about it and her claim is that she is happier now than she’s ever been. I have issues w/ both my parents for letting her go and w/ her for doing it. Has anyone had any successes w/ this family issue? My sister is obviously travelled far from her Catholic faith.
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I know how you feel. My sister moved in with her boyfriend when she was 18. Now she is 19 with a four-month-old baby. They have been living together for one year. It’s been really difficult for my family. We have another younger sister and four younger brothers, and it’s difficult for them to understand. My parents also disagree on how to handle the situation, though they both disapprove, and this causes definite tension for everyone.

I also live three hours away from my sister. She too claims to be happy, but I suspect all is not so rosy on the inside. I do not trust her boyfriend, and sometimes she makes comments about the way he treats her that scare me. (controlling behaviors, like not letting her have or spend any money, even for things she needs, hiding the car keys, not letting her use the phone, etc.)

Anyway, here is the advice that I can give you. My sister and I had a couple of heartfelt phone and dinner conversations where we both stated how we felt about the whole thing. Obviously we disagree on key points. These were very emotional and difficult conversations, but I felt I had to let her know out of love how concerned I was for her and the effects of her bad decisions. I know she is hurting now because of her actions, and deep down she knows it too, but she feels trapped because of the baby (she doesn’t want him to be away from the father). Anyway, the point is I let my sister know how I felt and why I felt that way in as loving as possible a way. Now, I pray for her and try to love her and be there for her, but I don’t talk about it any more unless she brings it up. I don’t want her to think of me as constantly preaching and lecturing to the point that she won’t call me or contact me if things get bad. She knows how I feel, and if she wants to talk about it, she’ll let me know. I can’t make her do anything, I can just pray and hope and love.

Sorry for rambling. I hope this helps though. I’ll pray for you.
 
What worked for me was reminding my friend of her value as a person. “You are such a great person.” Then listed her terrific qualities, then “You deserve true happiness. This might seem great but I promise it is even better with a husband.”

I agree with the others–after you have firmly stated your case let it go completely and pray. God does His will in His time.
 
Concur with the rest.

Don’t do anything to enable them to live that way, like provide money or help them move to another apartment.
 
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