2 sisters 1 husband

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BOBKAT

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Hello,
I need some serious help, my family just found out that my BIL was messing around on my sister, however it was with my other sister. Without gettting into too much detail we have figured this much. BIL got my sister to move into his house and told her he would take care of anything if it broke, before that she lived in my house and I was prepared to sign it over to her as soon as she was ready. She is a single mother with two kids and was looking for a change so I didn’t try too hard to talk her out of it. For the record she lived in my house for about 6 years and never paid the mortgage late she just never made enough for them to give her a mortgage. That is how it all started. My BIL is a control freak and unless you are around him long enough you may not see it. Over the years I suspected something not so much of an affair, but something and so when it came out of my mouth some years back. Over the last year it seemed that my sister who isn’t his wife was becoming more and more depressed as a matter of fact she wanted to kill herself, but somehow through the grace of God she came clean with us her brothers and sisters just not the sister who needs to know this. It turns out that he has been forcing her into unwanted you know what, and when we all listened to the story we came to the same conclusion while she should have come to us sooner he is a monster in need of many prayers.He for one carried a gun (cannot at least for 3 years now because sister had to get a restaint put on him) and for some reason he always has lots of money…BTW we are 9 mom and dad have passed on so this is pretty much all of our responsibilty and we are ready to tell unsuspecting sister, but are afraid only because since sister has taken most of his hostilty wife may start to become the prime target. I know what the moral thing to do is I was just hoping for any suggestions that may help.

Sorry this is so long it has been sitting on my shoulders for sometime now.

PS Many people will be devasted by this news and we just want to make sure we handle it with Gods love…

Kathleen
 
I think if you explain in exactly the terms you spelled out here for us, then the ‘intervention’ if you will, should go as smoothly as can be expected. I think that your sister ‘finding out’ is actually a mild thing, compared to the type of person (dangerous) your BIL sounds like. Forcing one’s self on another…isn’t that rape? I mean, there are a plethera of issues here to deal with, and I pray that God enables you and your family to deal with all of this. I’m sorry you’re going through this…😦 (and your sisters)
 
It will be very important to stress that the sexual relationship between your sister and your brother-in-law was NOT consensual. My experience has been that women have a tendency to not believe other women at first - expecially when it comes to the morals of ‘their man’. I know this is not true of all women - it has just been my experience that most people will toss their children over a fence into a yard full of hungry pit bulls if it means they can have a date on a Friday night…so…
I also think you need to make sure you have a plan in place for the wife if she does believe you all and decides to leave him. If he has control of the purse strings it might be very frightening to her to think about leaving the material security and launch into the unknown. The less she has to worry about in this regard the easier it may be for her to take appropriate action.
Most important of all, of course, is to pray pray pray…and don’t just listen to people on this forum. I am certainly no expert and may be completely off the mark about everything…but I know when a situation needs prayer and this is one such situation.
 
LSK said—>it has just been my experience that most people will toss their children over a fence into a yard full of hungry pit bulls if it means they can have a date on a Friday night…so…

isn’t that sad? 😦 On our local news, it seems like there is always another ‘boyfriend’ hurting a woman’s children while she’s at work, or killing them. I have to scratch my head and say…are you that desperate that you’d foresake your kids’ safety for a man to lay in bed with you at night? any man? It’s scary.

Sorry…didn’t mean to go off on a tangent…but your sentence struck a familiar chord with me, too.
 
I would have the sister who came to you contact a domestic violence shelter. They would have good resources for her as far as counseling and how to break away from the control of your BIL. Your other sister may be having other similar problems with him, and could probably use some help as well. She might not be ready though. It is a good sign that your sister was finally able to come to you with this. It is only by being open and honest about a problem that progress can be made and healing started. Your sisters are in my prayers, as is the rest of your family as you help them through this.
 
BOBKAT said:
It turns out that he has been forcing her into unwanted you know what, and when we all listened to the story we came to the same conclusion while she should have come to us sooner he is a monster in need of many prayers
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It is my understanding that by unwanted you know what you are referring to unwanted sex…meaning that he raped her (and I am understanding this to mean more than once - not that number of times matters). If this is the case, she needs to go to the authorities immediately and hopefully has already been removed from the house. If you are not stating that he raped her, and that she was a willing partner and is feeling guilty because she was and feeling afraid of repercussions should she leave the relationship, than please correct me.
BOBKAT said:
He for one carried a gun (cannot at least for 3 years now because sister had to get a restaint put on him) and for some reason he always has lots of money.
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I’m not sure how the money ties in here…are you worried about his ability to pay legal fees? And if your sister has a restraining order on him, are you sure that your other sister is unaware of the situation.
 
Thank you all I have been praying about this for a few weeks now and I getting the feeling that I need to tell her. I did call and tell her I was stoping around to see my niece of to her prom and he will be there and if he fears anyone it is me. That is because I saw this before it came out and he knew it, I just needed my sister to make the move which thank God she did. Please keep my family in your prayers this could be the weekend. One thing I may mention is that I am very proud of my brothers and sisters through this whole thing for the first time I saw real compassion as a whole rather than judgement. We lost our parents very young and some of us went to the school of hard knocks so this was a real eye opener for some I am the second oldest and had a relatively smooth childhood compared to the rest and I think mom and dad would be very pleased. Again keep us in your prayers and also BIL is obviously needs them desperately.

God Bless
Kathleen
 
I wanted to say that I would also tell my sister ASAP (because if I were in her shoes, and I knew my family was hiding my husbands infidelity (at the least) or sexual crime (at the most) I would feel very isolated from them and, quite frankly angry (though I am sure I would calm down…but that would be my first reaction).
 
katieq said:
I wanted to say that I would also tell my sister ASAP (because if I were in her shoes, and I knew my family was hiding my husbands infidelity (at the least) or sexual crime (at the most) I would feel very isolated from them and, quite frankly angry (though I am sure I would calm down…but that would be my first reaction).
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Trust me we really have been feeling that. I told my other sister we are essentially lying to her. I do agree with you completely.
Thanks
 
This is such a bad thing to go through…I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
Does the sister that is married to BIL have children with him? I would be worried about your sisters safety but even more so if they have children.

I am not being rude, but do you trust your single sister’s assessment of what is going on? Sometimes people lie… not saying your sister is, just trying to give BIL the benefit for a second. If you are sure… I would tell other sister and have single sister press charges as quick as possible. Personally, I am surprised your brothers haven’t set out to kick some butt.

I am sorry your family is going through all this. Did BIL coerce her with threats of bodily harm or kicking her out or anything? I can understand being afraid to say anything if she thought she or the children are in danger or were facing homelessness. Did she give a reason why she didn’t tell sooner?
 
LittleRose said:
Why have no rape charges been filed against your BIL?
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Unwanted does not always mean unconsensual, it takes a heck of a lawyer to prove that one out in court, esspecially when she living in a house that is his, its unfortunate that our legal system views the victim guilty until proven innocent, but thats how it works,

the key thing is to find out and I am sure it will be hard for her to discuss but did she ever directly tell him NO then if so proving it is a whole other matter, I know what I would do in this situation but God wouldnt like me much, and be mad at me for a while…
AGAIN lol
but thats me, he wouldnt have anything left to force on someone…

I better shut my pie hole
John
 
BlestOne said:
Does the sister that is married to BIL have children with him? I would be worried about your sisters safety but even more so if they have children.

I am not being rude, but do you trust your single sister’s assessment of what is going on? Sometimes people lie… not saying your sister is, just trying to give BIL the benefit for a second. If you are sure… I would tell other sister and have single sister press charges as quick as possible. Personally, I am surprised your brothers haven’t set out to kick some butt.

I am sorry your family is going through all this. Did BIL coerce her with threats of bodily harm or kicking her out or anything? I can understand being afraid to say anything if she thought she or the children are in danger or were facing homelessness. Did she give a reason why she didn’t tell sooner?
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Thanks for the response and yes she does have children with him and we are concerned about her safety. He really thinks he has gotten away with all of this since we haven’t gone running to tell his wife. I went to see her on Friday and I see that things are withdrawn like she knows something I find this whole thing rather creepy. That is my problem not sure at what piont should we let her know.

Please keep us in your prayers.
Kathleen
 
johntkd said:
Unwanted does not always mean unconsensual, it takes a heck of a lawyer to prove that one out in court, esspecially when she living in a house that is his, its unfortunate that our legal system views the victim guilty until proven innocent, but thats how it works,

the key thing is to find out and I am sure it will be hard for her to discuss but did she ever directly tell him NO then if so proving it is a whole other matter, I know what I would do in this situation but God wouldnt like me much, and be mad at me for a while…
AGAIN lol
but thats me, he wouldnt have anything left to force on someone…

I better shut my pie hole

John
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Thanks John,

I know the feeling and have 5 brothers who would love to do just that. And you are correct rape would be very hard to prove and not sure anyone could handle it. The system is not set up to protect the innocent it protects the criminal how sad. Don’t get me wrong some people are unjustly accused and need all the help they can get, but unless you have money they usually suffer as well. Sin no matter how you look at it or how small you think it is just can’t seem to spare the innocent…

Thanks again
Kathleen
 
LittleRose said:
Why have no rape charges been filed against your BIL?
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Have you ever met a rape victim? They really believe that it is their fault, it is very hard to get them to tell all. I wanted her too, but after hearing most of the story I couldn’t see how it could be proven. My neice had a friend whoes aunt’s boyfriend raped her. she went on to file charges and went through everything, the bottom line was this since she was 16 the judge decided that it wasn’t rape. Seems that at a certian age if a girl even talks to a guy she needs to be on her toes. There is more to the story, and I know all that were involved and what it did to them as a family, I can honestly say that I am not encouraged to go ahead.

Thank you,
Kathleen
 
BOBKAT said:
Have you ever met a rape victim? They really believe that it is their fault, it is very hard to get them to tell all. I wanted her too, but after hearing most of the story I couldn’t see how it could be proven. My neice had a friend whoes aunt’s boyfriend raped her. she went on to file charges and went through everything, the bottom line was this since she was 16 the judge decided that it wasn’t rape. Seems that at a certian age if a girl even talks to a guy she needs to be on her toes. There is more to the story, and I know all that were involved and what it did to them as a family, I can honestly say that I am not encouraged to go ahead.

Thank you,
Kathleen
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I have worked with and met countless Rape victims, you are correct a lot of them believe it to be thier fault, and our legal system also makes it that way as well.Unfortunatly the way our system is now and society they would automatically assume that because she was living in a house of his that she was “his play toy willingly” i know its wrong and very unjust, but have seen it so many times.
I still prefer my way to deal with this broken knee and nail a part of him to a tree stump and push him off…

its a sad situation no doubt and my heart and prayers go out to you, keep talking to the sister and make sure her story sticks before going to other sister with the info, you want to make sure she also believes it. I have seen similar situations where something like this splits up a family cause one refuses to believe what the other says…

good luck to you
John
 
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