20 Years Isolated Now Unable to Work or Volunteer

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Up until my H and children and I moved from a medium sized city to a very small rural town 20 years ago, I had a history of friendships at school and work. One or two friends in my personal life.

I had recently begun staying home with our children and while I maintained a couple of aquaintances then, my other friendships faded away over time with my marriage, children, moving away and homeschooling.

There was no homeschooling group here. I learned that there were no Catholic homeschoolers. When I put the kids in CCD at the local parish, I was ignored by the other mothers who knew each other from their kids being school together. We attended all the get togethers and made zero connections.

The same thing happened with Cub Scouts and swimming lessons. We ended up doing some things out of town, like tagging along on business trips and the kids were involved in BMX for a little while and that was an hour from home and no connections were made there.

Our kids made a couple friends with publicly schooled None Catholic. Only one Protestant Christian.

Eventually the kids got to their teens and ventured out to volunteer and join a few different things. They went to the community college, got jobs, continued education and both have full time jobs that are skilled and valuable with benefits and a lot of responsibility. They are healthy and well balanced and I"m very proud of them.

My H made friends through activities that he likes to do that I’ve never been involved in because it was guy type stuff. He tried to include me a couple times when the guys were doing something or other with their wives but their wives ignored me as well.
They already had their friend group and knew each other also from their kids being the same ages (my kids were older) and in school together.

I don’t have any old friends.
And I’ve never been able to make any new friends here.

Jobs are scarce in this small town and I thought it would be hard to find employment since I’ve been out of things for so long. We don’t actually need a second income. So I thought of volunteering both at church and at the hospital. I discovered that I’d need personal references for the hospital. I need to find out if cleaning the church will require personal references and a background check. The background check will be fine I just don’t have any references.

It’s been a really hard 20 years. I kept feeling like every time I"d try something I’d get ignored and ostrasized. As time passed it was becoming more difficult to step out of my safety zone, and so it made things worse. Also there were some family tragedies in my extended family and it hit me hard and made me want to hide myself from other people.

Now with this 20 year slow slide to social oblivion it makes things even weirder.

What on earth can I do about not having any personal or professional references? I am hoping that as long as I don’t ask to volunteer with children or directly with patients, I might not have to provide personal references.

So there it is. Do you have any experiences like this? Or ideas?
I need prayers and I think really for a miracle at this point.
 
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JMJ0104 said:
What on earth can I do about not having any personal or professional references?
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Personally, I have never been contacted by anyone as a reference. Nor has anyone I’ve used as a reference. Not every employer looks through these. At least in my experience, they’ much more concerned about the background check.

Still, if I were you, I would see if someone at your Parish would be a reference for you. If you still can’t find anyone explain your situation and be honest.
 
You are more likely to need references for volunteering at the hospital rather than church. Most volunteer opportunities at church are sign-up-and-show-up. One suggestion is to do stuff others don’t like doing, whatever it is; most events have plenty of people to set up and work the event but fewer people stick around for clean up. Also, keep showing up; being reliable will be appreciated by someone and that someone can be a good reference. The kinds of things I’m thinking of are Fall dinners, pancake breakfasts, etc.

Some churches end up canceling events because there aren’t enough volunteers so it’s rare that they aren’t needed. There might be some events that are someone’s pet project and they like the same people to do the same thing every year; they can get territorial. Don’t sweat it if they don’t accept your offer to help, instead cheerfully enjoy it and compliment their efforts.
 
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Perhaps your parish priest would be a reference for you.

Have you considered volunteering to help the parish secretary in the office, even small things like folding the newsletter or even putting them in the Church, or whenever there are envelopes for various collections to be put out on the pews, perhaps you could offer to do that.

Or what about offering to share the cleaning of the church or take care of the surrounding gardens. Or if there isn’t a garden, perhaps ask if you could start as small one, buy and plant the plants yourself, water and weed it etc. - or even see if others are interested in starting a small garden. Grow palms for Palm Sunday if there aren’t any around and they can be grown in your area, even a small annual garden which could add to fill out the flower arrangements on the altar.

If you sew, perhaps see if Father is needed anything for either himself or the Church sewn or repaired, if no-one else is doing that?

Another thought - perhaps if there isn’t a morning tea, maybe suggest starting a coffee after Mass? A large urn, disposable paper cups, coffee, sugar stix (not bags or containers where spoons are needed), and milk. From small things large things grow!! Actually, that’s how our morning teas started - now it is after each Sunday Mass as there is a roster with helps with the sharing of costs. Also people could be encouraged to bring a plate of cookies etc to share.

These are all possible ways in which you can volunteer at your parish, meet people and people get to know you. Then, there will be friendships made or at least people as they then know you would be more willing to provide you with a character reference.
 
Hugs.

For volunteering “personal references” is simply someone who knows you are who you say you are, they do not have to be your bosom BFF.

Have never been in a parish that does not need volunteers, we pay a service to clean the church but we need volunteers for a thousand other things. Background check is part of the world we live in.

Other places that constantly ask for volunteers, hospice, pet rescue orgs, Habitat for Humanity, pregnancy center, Catholic school,
 
Thank you all for your responses 🙂 You’ve given me a lot of great ideas. I’m going to find out about cleaning the church and then go from there. Also see about a couple of the groups there. It may take a while, but that’s ok. Plus, I’ll be helping others and that’s the main thing.

And thank you especially for your prayers!
 
Right now in our diocese they do a Safe Environment Training every year for church volunteers. It is every other year if one volunteers in the Women’s Group that holds the fundraisers each fall. It is to protect those who are vulnerable to weed out anyone who has a history of being a predator. I can identify with you since I am not an extrovert. I do volunteer bringing communion to the hospital, and I discussed various as aspects of life with Jesus as I drove along on my way.

Whatever I have to do I will do it if it means having Him ride along with me in my car.

Being ignored is also a real trial since it means the person you are trying to talk to may not really know what to say to you. I have been ignored, too. Want to hear something funny? I was helping to stuff envelopes at the church, and one of the people compained
that I was “doing it wrong.” Oh, well, who knows how to stuff envelopes perfectly every time? How do you become an expert envelope stuffer?

It takes time, patience, a sense of humor, a sense of common sense to get along in this world. When I worked at a paying job I had to bite my tongue often.
 
Does your church music ministry have an adult choir? Even if you aren’t the worlds greatest singer, most people can do ok as part of a choir.

I am choir director at my church. I pretty much take anyone whether they can sing or not. I draw the line if they are going to challenge my decision making.

Being part of a music group can be a fun way to get involved and meet people. I have been doing music ministry for almost 20 years. I have made so many friends and met so many interesting people from near and far.

Even better if you can play an instrument.
 
Yes. Complete Safe Environment training even if you aren’t working with young people at first. You will be ready when needed.
 
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