20 years of porn later

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what do I do? We’ve been married almost 20 years and when we went through Pre-Cana, etc I had no idea of this problem. 1 year in and many lies later I called the 1-800 number on the bill and found out the hard way.
I decided to take his promises and move on. We’ve had counseling, individual and couples, been through Retrouvaille, he’s lost a major job for making sex calls on company time, $ and phone bills. Every time I find him out and he makes new promises.
He is very established in a very successful high profile job, as am I, but I am on a part time basis.
Now we are distant at best, I don’t trust and even after Retrouvaille he broke all his promises. We have 3 children under 11 and they have no idea what we’re dealing with.
I find out things about his life from others, he doesn’t ask about mine and my questions to him receive vague answers. My phone calls are avoided.
He distracts himself even more during sport seasons by screaming at the tv and by head coaching everything-followed by beer with boys after.
I’ve tried and tried and it feels like the well has run dry. As a Catholic I’m devastated and crushed. As a woman, I feel the same way. I have 50 years of life left. Should it be spent with someone I don’t trust and who won’t leave his addiction behind?
My instincts are very strong and I believe he may also be taking part in anonymous sex at other locations- possibly homosexual.

Please pray for us and any advice would be helpful!
 
Brewnews said:
what do I do? We’ve been married almost 20 years and when we went through Pre-Cana, etc I had no idea of this problem. 1 year in and many lies later I called the 1-800 number on the bill and found out the hard way.
I decided to take his promises and move on. We’ve had counseling, individual and couples, been through Retrouvaille, he’s lost a major job for making sex calls on company time, $ and phone bills. Every time I find him out and he makes new promises.
He is very established in a very successful high profile job, as am I, but I am on a part time basis.
Now we are distant at best, I don’t trust and even after Retrouvaille he broke all his promises. We have 3 children under 11 and they have no idea what we’re dealing with.
I find out things about his life from others, he doesn’t ask about mine and my questions to him receive vague answers. My phone calls are avoided.
He distracts himself even more during sport seasons by screaming at the tv and by head coaching everything-followed by beer with boys after.
I’ve tried and tried and it feels like the well has run dry. As a Catholic I’m devastated and crushed. As a woman, I feel the same way. I have 50 years of life left. Should it be spent with someone I don’t trust and who won’t leave his addiction behind?
My instincts are very strong and I believe he may also be taking part in anonymous sex at other locations- possibly homosexual.

Please pray for us and any advice would be helpful!
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Brewnews, I will pray for you, your husband, and your children. :crossrc:
 
I don’t feel qualified to offer much advice but I did find this website

pornnomore.com/

It is a Catholic site. I hope this is helpful. You and your family will be in our prayers.
 
Brewnews said:
what do I do? We’ve been married almost 20 years and when we went through Pre-Cana, etc I had no idea of this problem. 1 year in and many lies later I called the 1-800 number on the bill and found out the hard way.
I decided to take his promises and move on. We’ve had counseling, individual and couples, been through Retrouvaille, he’s lost a major job for making sex calls on company time, $ and phone bills. Every time I find him out and he makes new promises.
He is very established in a very successful high profile job, as am I, but I am on a part time basis.
Now we are distant at best, I don’t trust and even after Retrouvaille he broke all his promises. We have 3 children under 11 and they have no idea what we’re dealing with.
I find out things about his life from others, he doesn’t ask about mine and my questions to him receive vague answers. My phone calls are avoided.
He distracts himself even more during sport seasons by screaming at the tv and by head coaching everything-followed by beer with boys after.
I’ve tried and tried and it feels like the well has run dry. As a Catholic I’m devastated and crushed. As a woman, I feel the same way. I have 50 years of life left. Should it be spent with someone I don’t trust and who won’t leave his addiction behind?
My instincts are very strong and I believe he may also be taking part in anonymous sex at other locations- possibly homosexual.

Please pray for us and any advice would be helpful!
Click to expand...
Oh my…I’m so sorry to hear this. I have always found it interesting, albeit sadly interesting, that everyone struggles with different things in their marriages. I have not had this ‘battle’ in mine, but there have been other things, and it must be very difficult to live in a marriage where you have no trust. And I’m sure to get through your days without exploding, you have to just be to an extent, numb to it all. I’m sorry for your pain. May I ask what leads you to think that your husband might be engaging in homosexual activity? I pray that is not the case, but only you know your husband, and are cose to the situation. May I also ask, has your husband gone to confession? I don’t have any advice other than to see if he will seek seeing a priest. I feel very sad for your husband, too. He is overwhelmed by sin. I will keep you both in my prayers.
 
Brewnews,

I am very sorry that you are having to deal with this. Pornography/sex addiction is a very serious problem, sometimes more difficult than drug and alcohol addiction, and the majority of the time cannot be alleviated without professional help. I will pray for you and your family!

Yours in Christ Jesus,

Aaron
 
I wonder if porn is so addicting because it seems to have seeped into the crevices of what was once considered innocent television. Let me explain. For example, there are sitcoms, that highlight premarital sex and glamourize promiscuity…same with 1 hour programs like Boston Legal, and once upon a time…Sex & The City, on HBO. The media seems to teach to its audiences that sex, at any cost, is necessary to having a happy life, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Sex is great, but only when between two married people…man and woman. I think that porn sort of pushes the mentality, that women should look like this, and do that…and then, and only then, will you be satisfied, as a man. But, so much is being pushed at us from our pop culture too, with shows like Saving Grace even, which I heard has some redemptive value but can be pretty racy. It is no wonder that someone who has such an addiction, feels trapped, and hard pressed to find a way out of the sin pit he has found. Plus, men are very visual, and the internet, has made viewing porn, a less ‘embarassing’ thing…where you could just visit site to site, without anyone knowing. It just seems so sad, and I am praying for all who are fighting this addiction, to be cleansed from it soon.
 
Do check out the websites others have offered. In all that you do, please keep this in mind. You are not stronger than your husband’s addiction. But God is. Everything you may do, submit the cause to God’s hands. In your prayers, fasting, and almsgiving, acknowledge this to God. Because humility is a powerful weapon against devilish trickery.

Karl Keating believes it is difficult for those closest to someone to transform someone. Your best bet may possibly be prayer and living by example. If you have strong enough friends that can suggest to him, that is also an option. It is entirely possible that this is a cross God has called you to bear. A tremendous cross, no doubt. In order for you to carry it, you will also need to call on God for help. If you know of a good priest, I would also ask him how next to proceed.

My prayers go out to you and your husband and children.

May the infinite power of God’s hand touch your family with a healing prowess only possible with the Divine. Amen. :signofcross:
 
You and I are on the same roller coaster ride. I’m so tired. I’m going to stay on the ride by keeping my focus on my duties: keeping house, raising kids, etc…I’m hopeful that if I do my duty that God will take care of the rest. I know there is nothing I can do to “make” him change so God is going to have to do it. Focus on your duties, not on your sadness or life will become unbearable. Also, don’t thing too much about the future. Pray, Hope, and don’t worry. Fiat Mihi
 
{{hugs}}}

If you suspect he is having relations with others, you are NOT obligated to fulfill your “wifely duties.” As a matter of fact, you owe it to your health and safety not to. Get an STD test, please.

I’m so sorry. Porn uses the same receptors in the brain as cocaine. It’s virtually impossible for someone who doesn’t want to to break that habit.
 
You can also use this prayer to pray for him.

Prayer for Chastity by St. Thomas Aquinas

Dearest Jesus! I know well that every perfect gift,
and above all others that of chastity, depends upon the most
powerful assistance of Your providence, and that without You
a creature can do nothing. Therefore, I pray that You defend, with Your grace, the gift of chastity and purity in my soul as well as in my body.
And if I have ever received through my senses any impression
that could stain my chastity and purity, I ask You, who are the Supreme Lord of all my powers, to take it from me, so that I may with a clean heart advance in Your love and service, offering myself chaste all the days of my life on the most pure altar of Your divinity. Amen.
 
you asked for advice
get a marriage counsellor, for yourself if he will not go, who will help you be honest about what you are facing, since you are in denial
get pastoral and spiritual counselling for the strength you will need
get a good lawyer

a man who fits profile described has consistently been unfaithful before and during the marriage, and is also using financial resources that belong to the family to support his habit, always a threat to financial stability

he is not going to change barring some life-changing event

you either live with it and accept the consequences, including STDs, your children’s eventual exposure to porn, and possible abuse, or you change the situation. your call. Only you can make the changes necessary to get you and your children out of this situation into safety. Yes without exception your children will be exposed to this, probably sooner than you think.

if you remain with him you are giving consent to his behavior

find a support group, like Al-Anon for relatives of alcoholics, to help you deal with the reality of living with an addict.
 
That’s true. There is an excellent chance that your children will be exposed to it if they haven’t already. That happened in my family. I don’t know if my father still has a problem with porn, but he did when I was growing up. We found magazines and videos. Being curious kids we watched part of a video. Exposure to porn can have profound effects on your children’s worldview and, possibly, their sexuality and future relationships.

I’m not advocating divorce/annulment here. I don’t know much about your relationship. If he is still making promises, then breaking them, it seems he loves you, but is a slave to his problem. Perhaps a “I love you honey, but until you give porn up, I’m taking the children” would be the message needed to wake him up.

What I can confirm, though, is the horrible effects of early porn exposure–emotionally and mentally. You can NEVER get that innnocence back. You can NEVER erase the images.
 
dranzal said:
What I can confirm, though, is the horrible effects of early porn exposure–emotionally and mentally. You can NEVER get that innnocence back. You can NEVER erase the images.
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I strongly agree. Unfortunately with the way the internet is now, it doesn’t take someone bringing porn into the home for kids to get exposed to it at a very young age. It’s very close to impossible to keep it away from them.

Daddums 🙂
 
I read the precurser of the following and it may help.
familysafemedia.com/drug_of_the_new_millennium_6_c.html

I started skimming through the book “Healing Hearts and Mending Minds…” because I borrowed it from a priest that was moving away. I found it very helpful in explaining what is going on with porn and how easily it affects some people. Like any additing thing, it’s more or less of a problem for any particular individual. one of my son’s got trapped and we had to put a heavy filter on our computer because of it. This filter is VERY picky. Too picky, but better than one that leaks… I had one on the computer as part of the firewall, but when I chose not to pay for an update, it automatically dropped coverage!:eek:

I also found Christopher West’s “Theology of the Body for Beginners” to be extremely helpful. Not knowing if it’s “just addiction” or “just refusing to believe it’s really a problem”…

Prayers for you and your husband.

If he is not interested you have an important decision concerning your children. I suggest to you talk to your priest about this and the validity of your marriage, as well.
 
Please dear, if you think that he is having extramaritial sex, please get yourself tested for STDs. They are nothing to be taken lightly. I know from bitter experience. I will pray for you and your family.
 
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