32 years of marriage

[Protestant_Me]

Let me start out with, my parents have been married for 32 years. My mother has within the last year been considering divorce. Even more recently, than before. Neither of my parents have ever really believed in divorce. So it is very hard for my mother to go through with this life changing decision.
I have been having a really difficult time with what could be this reality in my life. Although I am 20 years old, I am very upset with her decision. My father is a wonderful dad and I honestly thought a great husband until recently. There has been no rest between the two of them. Constant bickering.
I do not want them to split, but I can’t make my mother stay if she is unhappy. I’ve been praying profusely for some good outcome. But I don’t honestly see one coming… I keep asking them if they would go to counseling or talk to someone, our pastor, someone who could help. But they are too stubborn and want to keep things under wraps. Not let anyone know how unhappy and sad their relationship has become. What can I do or say to help?
Thank you.
Protestant Me

 

[ChrisRedfield47]

Let me start out with, my parents have been married for 32 years. My mother has within the last year been considering divorce. Even more recently, than before. Neither of my parents have ever really believed in divorce. So it is very hard for my mother to go through with this life changing decision.
I have been having a really difficult time with what could be this reality in my life. Although I am 20 years old, I am very upset with her decision. My father is a wonderful dad and I honestly thought a great husband until recently. There has been no rest between the two of them. Constant bickering.
I do not want them to split, but I can’t make my mother stay if she is unhappy. I’ve been praying profusely for some good outcome. But I don’t honestly see one coming… I keep asking them if they would go to counseling or talk to someone, our pastor, someone who could help. But they are too stubborn and want to keep things under wraps. Not let anyone know how unhappy and sad their relationship has become. What can I do or say to help?
Thank you.
Protestant Me

I’ll let others give you advice, since I’m 21 years old (about your age) I’m probably not the best here qualified to do so. But allow me to pray for your parents and yourself.

Our Father, Who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil. Amen

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death
Amen.

St. Jude, pray for them!

 

[Joe_5859]

My heart goes out to you. I offer my prayers.

I know that family dynamics vary a great deal and it can be tricky for a child to give “relatiohsip advice” to their parents. So prayer is truly key right now. Pray for the wisdom to know the right words to say and the prudence to say them at the right time. Spend time in prayer every day for this intention. Keep asking for guidance.

Marriage can be hard. It is especially difficult in our day and age for us to appreciate the indissolubility of marriage. With divorce so frequent and such a prevalence of the “seek pleasure, avoid pain” philosphy of life, the Gospel call to unconditional love and self-sacrifice can be downright foreign. But you simply cannot have authentic love without sacrifice. Surely your parents understand this by the many sacrifices they have no doubt made for you throughout the years.

Marriage is worth fighting for. We should exhaust ourselves pursuing every avenue we can to make things better. What a shame it would be to abandon so many years without giving it everything. The willingness to give it all is necessary for any marriage to be successful.

Reflect on Ephesians 5. If you think your parents might be open to it, perhaps there would be a time for you to gently encourage them to do the same. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church. And how did Christ love the Church? Just look at a crucifix for the answer. Christ gave everything for His Bride.

They have nothing to lose by trying to live this out. And everything to gain.

It’s difficult to make such changes after so many years of just “getting by”. It’s easy for a husband or wife to feel like, even if they made a change, their spouse probably wouldn’t and so they’d just wind up getting taken advantage of. Well, love is worth the risk. If we cannot put ourselves out there, then we cannot be surprised if our spouse fails to do the same.

 

[Lancer]

Let me start out with, my parents have been married for 32 years. My mother has within the last year been considering divorce. Even more recently, than before. Neither of my parents have ever really believed in divorce. So it is very hard for my mother to go through with this life changing decision.
I have been having a really difficult time with what could be this reality in my life. Although I am 20 years old, I am very upset with her decision. My father is a wonderful dad and I honestly thought a great husband until recently. There has been no rest between the two of them. Constant bickering.
I do not want them to split, but I can’t make my mother stay if she is unhappy. I’ve been praying profusely for some good outcome. But I don’t honestly see one coming… I keep asking them if they would go to counseling or talk to someone, our pastor, someone who could help. **But they are too stubborn and want to keep things under wraps. Not let anyone know how unhappy and sad their relationship has become. **What can I do or say to help?
Thank you.
Protestant Me

]But they are too stubborn and want to** keep things under wraps**. **Not let anyone know **how unhappy and sad their relationship has become.

This is a really flashing red light…it is the most used modus operandi of the Devil…darkness and shame. If they refuse all spiritual or professional help…they are playing a “poker game” with the Devil as the dealer…and he only gives cards to us that will guarantee us (both of them) a big loss…and a big win for him…he never loses when he is dealing!

Just ask them which person in the Bible is “light” and who is “darkness”…and from which one are they taking as their counsel…who is their Counselor?..Advocate?..If they let their Accuser be their Counselor…Advocate…it is a guaranteed loss…big loss for both of them. Put the decision into their hands…on their back…with this information/question. If they heed it…great, that is all you are asking…for them to get help…if they don’t heed it tell them you are going to remind later of their choice…and who they chose as their Counselor…their Accuser…the Devil himself…a guaranteed… “win-win” for him and a guaranteed… lose-lose for them.

Lastly, my gut without any details of course, tells me that unless there is some gravely serious and enduring wrong…they are making a big mistake and will be miserable for it until they leave this earth. Prayers for them…and for you in efforts to help.

Pax Christi

 

[starryheart]

Praying for them.

 

[Cricket17]

I’m sorry, PM! I can appreciate the pain you & your family must be feeling right now. Would your parents, perhaps, consider going through a “Retrouvaille” program? As I understand it, this is an intensive couples therapy weekend, for marriages that are already on the rocks. It’s origins are Catholic; however, it is open to those of other faiths, too. I’ve heard MANY Retrouvaille success stories. Here’s a link:

retrouvaille.org/

I’ll amp up the prayers, too! God bless.

 

[chris138]

I would second retrouvaille, maybe a good starting place would be the Fireproof movie. I will certainly pray for your family. As someone who has been married more than 20 years I can say that all marriages have ups and downs.

 

[Cat]

Let me start out with, my parents have been married for 32 years. My mother has within the last year been considering divorce. Even more recently, than before. Neither of my parents have ever really believed in divorce. So it is very hard for my mother to go through with this life changing decision.
I have been having a really difficult time with what could be this reality in my life. Although I am 20 years old, I am very upset with her decision. My father is a wonderful dad and I honestly thought a great husband until recently. There has been no rest between the two of them. Constant bickering.
I do not want them to split, but I can’t make my mother stay if she is unhappy. I’ve been praying profusely for some good outcome. But I don’t honestly see one coming… I keep asking them if they would go to counseling or talk to someone, our pastor, someone who could help. But they are too stubborn and want to keep things under wraps. Not let anyone know how unhappy and sad their relationship has become. What can I do or say to help?
Thank you.
Protestant Me

I went to this thread the instant I saw it–my husband and I have been married 33 years.

I assume that your parents are in their mid to late 50s?

Are they educated people? And what were their careers? Are they reasonably healthy? Any cancer, heart disease, diabetes? Are they fairly attractive? Is either or both of them significantly overweight?

Do they have a social life outside of their home? Are there outside interests? Are these interests fairly normal (e.g., sports, arts, politics, church, etc.)?

Did they grow up in a “normal” family setting? If they are in their 50s, very likely divorce was fairly rare, and many families were fairly stable. But there were some weird things going on in the 1960s (e.g., hippie communes, free love, protesting the Viet Nam war and going to jail, etc.) That’s what I’m getting at–did your parents grow up in a typical house with a typical family doing typical things? Or were they “different” in some way?

What I’m trying to glean is whether your parents are a little off the beaten track–e.g., mountain climbers or circus animal trainers or something like that, something that would set them apart from “regular” folks. This would make a difference in what advice I would offer to you.

From the description you’ve given, it sounds to me like they have not committed any deal-breakers–adultery, addictions, abuse. They’ve just gotten into the habit of despising each other.

From what you’ve said, I think they’re both just tired, so tired and worn out . They just want all the pain to stop. They want an end to the constant conflicts and bickering. They want peace.

The problem is–a divorce will NOT bring them peace.

If you have the time and inclination to answer my questions, I will try to give advice. But I think I need a little more information to be able to give useful advice.

 

[twoangels]

Could you make your mother stay if she were happy? Her happiness has nothing to do with the decision. Marriage is not about making yourself happy.

To be honest, I don’t understand people who make decisions like this. If you could stick it out that long, why not longer? What kept you going before? Perhaps its a midlife crisis thing. I don’t know.

To be honest if my parents did this, I’d be having a hard time not lecturing them on the true purpose of marriage, on the indissolubility of marriage and on their wedding vows: for better or for worse. I would then be very upset and would likely just pray. If there were an unwilling partner, I’d pray with that parent and focus on praying for the other’s soul because I would really see this choice as a sin.

I’m not saying divorce is never legitimate, but its only legitimate in serious cases of abuse where you have no other choice but to protect yourself. While I know annulment exist, I could never imagine my parents’ marriage to be invalid.

I am not you and I don’t know what the dynamics are of your relationship with your parents. This is something you’ll have to figure out on your own.

 

[St_Francis]

… if they would go to counseling or talk to someone, our pastor, someone who could help. But they are too stubborn and want to keep things under wraps. Not let anyone know how unhappy and sad their relationship has become. What can I do or say to help? …

As their son, their young son, there may be nothing that you can say that they will hear. This is very sad, people often think that if their children are adults, it will not affect them much if they divorce.

I must say, however, that it strikes me as very odd that they do not want to let anyone know how bad things have gotten, and they want to keep this under wraps… but are considering divorce, which will be an announcement to the entire world that their relationship had become unhappy and sad?

Pray for them; prayer is the most powerful thing you can do.

And if you can maybe get them to talking about when they first met, when they were first married, maybe the reminder of when they were happy together will help. Sometimes we just focus on the bad stuff and forget about the good stuff.

 

[Protestant_Me]

I went to this thread the instant I saw it–my husband and I have been married 33 years.

I assume that your parents are in their mid to late 50s?

Are they educated people? And what were their careers? Are they reasonably healthy? Any cancer, heart disease, diabetes? Are they fairly attractive? Is either or both of them significantly overweight?

Do they have a social life outside of their home? Are there outside interests? Are these interests fairly normal (e.g., sports, arts, politics, church, etc.)?

Did they grow up in a “normal” family setting? If they are in their 50s, very likely divorce was fairly rare, and many families were fairly stable. But there were some weird things going on in the 1960s (e.g., hippie communes, free love, protesting the Viet Nam war and going to jail, etc.) That’s what I’m getting at–did your parents grow up in a typical house with a typical family doing typical things? Or were they “different” in some way?

What I’m trying to glean is whether your parents are a little off the beaten track–e.g., mountain climbers or circus animal trainers or something like that, something that would set them apart from “regular” folks. This would make a difference in what advice I would offer to you.

From the description you’ve given, it sounds to me like they have not committed any deal-breakers–adultery, addictions, abuse. They’ve just gotten into the habit of despising each other.

From what you’ve said, I think they’re both just tired, so tired and worn out . They just want all the pain to stop. They want an end to the constant conflicts and bickering. They want peace.

The problem is–a divorce will NOT bring them peace.

If you have the time and inclination to answer my questions, I will try to give advice. But I think I need a little more information to be able to give useful advice.

They are both in their fifties. My mother was a teacher for 11 years then worked as a teller at a bank. My father has a photograpy and buisness degree. But he has driven a semi for the same company for 33 years. My father has several health issues, heart, blood pressure, used to have high colesterol, a stomach disorder, he has dizziness from his ear canals being too small (I can’t think of the name my apologies), and so on. My mother is fairly healthy. They are both attractive people. Neither of them are over weight surprisingly in this day and age.

My father has a larger social life outside of our home and my mother is very involved with her children and is running around getting them to choir concerts/practices, college, 4h etc. We also attend church on Sunday and the church choir.

Both of their parents were married and never divorced (another reason I think this whole thing is so wierd). They have/had great families who were supportive and treated them like gold. It is very wierd that older couples who have been married so long are wanting a divorce. I never thought they would be one of these statistics.

The only real difference I can’t find in them is Dad was raised in the country and Mom in the city. Mom misses the city a lot but she’s been dealing with it for 32 years. Mom doesn’t hate dad. She’d be devestated if something happened to him. And she stresses on a daily bases with all of his health problems now. I think that’s a lot of her problem. They don’t get a long so they don’t spend time with each other. When they do, it’s either no talking or arguing.

Never in their lives have they cheated or done on another wrong. No drug abuse. I’ve grown up in almost the ideal “normal family” until recently. I have asked my mom if she would consider marrige counseling and she kind of blows me off. I don’t know what else to do?

I appreciate any advice you can give me and all the prayers. Congrats on being married for 33 years! Hope I make it there some day!

 

[cmscms]

It doesn’t matter how old you are, parents divorcing is a very upsetting thing.

I honestly think the only thing you can do is pray for them. I would NOT try and help them save their marriage. Of course your mother blew you off when you suggested marriage counscelling. Seeing how bad her son wants her to stay married is just bringing up guilt in her that she does NOT want to look at.

Now, I know this may be hard for you to see but perhaps the reason you always though your parents had a strong marriage is because out of love for you and your siblings, both your parents decided not to ‘put the kids in the middle’ and they kept their problems away from you so as to not ruin your childhood. Sure it is a slap in the face to find it out, but they did what they though was best (and trust me I am sure that was not easy on them)

At the best of times, no one wants someone meddling in their relationship, least of all someone who is a lot younger and their child. Put yourself in your mom’s shoes. If she was to honestly open up to you about how hurt she is in the marriage, it would be the equivalent of telling you what a bad man your father is. She does not want her son to think he has a bad daddy.

Pray, it is all you can do

CM

 

[EasterJoy]

…They don’t get a long so they don’t spend time with each other. When they do, it’s either no talking or arguing…

The marriage researcher John Gottman found that these are the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”, that is, the four habits that predict divorce in over 90% of couples that practice them: Personal Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Couples who indulge in these habits and don’t learn to stop are not doomed to divorce, but they are going to have a very difficult time staying together. More than that, this is not how happy couples interact.

You can read more about it by using a search engine to find “John Gottman” and “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse”. Gottman has also written several books on marriage and how couples can learn to navigate their conflicts constructively. Many public libraries have them.

Ask your parents to seek counselling so that they can figure out what has gone wrong with their relationships. There are three reasons for them to do this. One: So that they will not remarry someone else who will seem right but who will present the same problems, only later realizing that it was a fixable problem that cost them the price of a divorce, not any differences that truly were unreconcilable. They may think they know what went wrong, but the rate of failure in second marriages says fairly clearly that most people don’t. Two: So that even if they have differences that cannot be mended well enough for them to live together, they can get along well enough for a few hours at a time to enjoy the family events that will include both you and them in your future: your marriage, the baptism and birthdays of your children, and so on. They do not want to be the parents who make their children dread every special occasion, but you all know what a bitter divorce can do. Bitter divorces come from couples split without having made peace with their differences. Counselling can help divorcing couples at least manage to hold a truce for a few hours, for the sake of those who love them both. Three: They do not want the sorrow of figuring this out only after the other one has died.

In other words, try to convince them that the work of figuring out why their marriage cannot be lived in peace and confirming that the problem cannot be fixed is work that deserves to be done now, lest they and their children suffer regret for its not having been done. Since there is no abuse or danger that makes a speedy divorce necessary, they owe it to the God to whom they made their vows, to the memory of their marriage, and to their children to at least do that work before they seriously contemplate divorce.

That’s the pitch I’d make.

 

[EasterJoy]

I honestly think the only thing you can do is pray for them. I would NOT try and help them save their marriage. Of course your mother blew you off when you suggested marriage counscelling. Seeing how bad her son wants her to stay married is just bringing up guilt in her that she does NOT want to look at.

The OP does have to suggest marriage counselling in a context that also expresses acceptance that his parents may get the counselling, do the work with more diligence than anyone could ask, and yet still decide that a peaceful resolution that keeps his parents in the same house not possible. It is their marriage, and they need to know he is not going to try to run it for them. Any reconciliation must be their free decision.

 

[steve_b]

They are both in their fifties. My mother was a teacher for 11 years then worked as a teller at a bank. My father has a photograpy and buisness degree. But he has driven a semi for the same company for 33 years. My father has several health issues, heart, blood pressure, used to have high colesterol, a stomach disorder, he has dizziness from his ear canals being too small (I can’t think of the name my apologies), and so on. My mother is fairly healthy. They are both attractive people. Neither of them are over weight surprisingly in this day and age.

My father has a larger social life outside of our home and my mother is very involved with her children and is running around getting them to choir concerts/practices, college, 4h etc. We also attend church on Sunday and the church choir.

Both of their parents were married and never divorced (another reason I think this whole thing is so wierd). They have/had great families who were supportive and treated them like gold. It is very wierd that older couples who have been married so long are wanting a divorce. I never thought they would be one of these statistics.

The only real difference I can’t find in them is Dad was raised in the country and Mom in the city. Mom misses the city a lot but she’s been dealing with it for 32 years. Mom doesn’t hate dad. She’d be devestated if something happened to him. And she stresses on a daily bases with all of his health problems now. I think that’s a lot of her problem. They don’t get a long so they don’t spend time with each other. When they do, it’s either no talking or arguing.

Never in their lives have they cheated or done on another wrong. No drug abuse. I’ve grown up in almost the ideal “normal family” until recently. I have asked my mom if she would consider marrige counseling and she kind of blows me off. I don’t know what else to do?

I appreciate any advice you can give me and all the prayers. Congrats on being married for 33 years! Hope I make it there some day!

What would you say was the glue that kept them together up to this point?