A bit personal question pertaining to the marriage

[BertaSwede]

i was wondering if anyone on here feels they did not marry a Catholic or Christian person, besides me, and how it may be affecting your home, and second, what do you do about it? how do you get along with this?

thanks much.

when i married long ago, it was not so important to me then, to know a believer in the marriage. But it is now. i am afraid it is not with my dear husband i am afraid. We go to Mass every Sunday, but this is it for him, when i would like much more spiritual training for our children than he would like. i just am wonder if some other people face this problem. i pray and have enrolled our many children in church cathechism classes, but without the two parents examples, i wonder is it hopeless to expect our children to love God in the long run?

 

[YinYangMom]

I married a cradle Catholic like myself.

Life was good for many years because we were on the same page. But then Relevant Radio hit the airwaves and I found out the page we were on wasn’t the right one. We were at least in the right book.

As I listened to Relevant Radio, which led me to Catholic Answers, which led me to here, which lead me to the Vatican website and a slew of great authors, talk hosts, speakers I found myself on different pages than my husband…deeper chapters.

How does that feel?
There have been moments where I found myself terrified.
But mostly I’ve found myself renewed and uplifted with this opportunity to live out the sacrament of marriage as God intended - as a means to bring my husband to God, to help him to grow in his faith (whether he wants to or not). So for the most part, I’m excited about this.

I have absolute confidence in the sacramental grace of our marriage. I have absolute confidence in Mary, Our Mother and all the saints on my side, as well as deceased loved ones. I am **so not alone **in this that my excitement to serve the Lord this way comes from knowing that.

I’m fortunate in that my husband is Catholic but just doesn’t know he’s not on the right page. Like me before God’s intervention via mass media, he thinks he’s a good Catholic.

I’ve been slowing showing him ways he could become a** better** Catholic, but it’s slow going. Because of the love for his children I’m able to get him to open his mind and heart to my appeals, so that helps a lot. He wants our children to be firm in their beliefs and he trusts that what I’m teaching is more accurate than what he believes.

It’s when he rejects outright some Catholic teaching that the battle is heaviest, but we have really good communication skills so we get through it. He hasn’t changed his position on some of them yet, but at least he recognizes some of the truth in the Church position. Now it’s a matter of mind over faith, and for a Ph.D. - that’s asking a lot of him. He was trained through his program to rely on facts and figures and historical evidence, and as such he tends to see the ‘institution’ of the Catholic church in that light.

The other problem I have with him is he clings to that ‘spiritual but not religious’ philosophy. He has a closet full of ‘inspirational’ tapes and videos and DVDs from all sorts of people who talk about reaching the god within us all and becoming god… . I patiently and selectively comment my dismay that he doesn’t give equal time/money to investing in Catholic speakers’ talks, books, DVDs, and I point out that not a single one of these ‘experts’ state JESUS is THE way to achieve all the stuff they talk about. They mention Jesus, they mention God, they mention the big religions but only as references.

I’ve managed to show him that all this stuff they talk about is not new. It’s what the Catholic Church has been saying for 2000 years. It was when I showed him some writings of the early Fathers that he said, “yeah, that’s what those tapes have been saying and what I’ve been saying.” To which I reply, “Except for one noticeable difference - the reference to Jesus. For every sentence you read in this passage that uses Jesus at the center you will find the same sentence in your tapes but with “Jesus” replaced with some other coined word - anything but Jesus. And therein lies the problem with all the speakers you listen to.” He’s beginning to notice it more as he continues to listen to the tapes - and that’s good.

I’m not alone. God and all the saints are working with me so I’m ok. If God could be patient with me these past 40 odd years when I thought I was on the right page, then I can be patient with my husband for how ever many years it’ll take for him to catch up with me. I know that is going to be a very special day.

 

[BertaSwede]

I married a cradle Catholic like myself.

Life was good for many years because we were on the same page. But then Relevant Radio hit the airwaves and I found out the page we were on wasn’t the right one. We were at least in the right book.

As I listened to Relevant Radio, which led me to Catholic Answers, which led me to here, which lead me to the Vatican website and a slew of great authors, talk hosts, speakers I found myself on different pages than my husband…deeper chapters.

How does that feel?
There have been moments where I found myself terrified.
But mostly I’ve found myself renewed and uplifted with this opportunity to live out the sacrament of marriage as God intended - as a means to bring my husband to God, to help him to grow in his faith (whether he wants to or not). So for the most part, I’m excited about this.

I have absolute confidence in the sacramental grace of our marriage. I have absolute confidence in Mary, Our Mother and all the saints on my side, as well as deceased loved ones. I am **so not alone **in this that my excitement to serve the Lord this way comes from knowing that.

I’m fortunate in that my husband is Catholic but just doesn’t know he’s not on the right page. Like me before God’s intervention via mass media, he thinks he’s a good Catholic.

I’ve been slowing showing him ways he could become a** better** Catholic, but it’s slow going. Because of the love for his children I’m able to get him to open his mind and heart to my appeals, so that helps a lot. He wants our children to be firm in their beliefs and he trusts that what I’m teaching is more accurate than what he believes.

It’s when he rejects outright some Catholic teaching that the battle is heaviest, but we have really good communication skills so we get through it. He hasn’t changed his position on some of them yet, but at least he recognizes some of the truth in the Church position. Now it’s a matter of mind over faith, and for a Ph.D. - that’s asking a lot of him. He was trained through his program to rely on facts and figures and historical evidence, and as such he tends to see the ‘institution’ of the Catholic church in that light.

The other problem I have with him is he clings to that ‘spiritual but not religious’ philosophy. He has a closet full of ‘inspirational’ tapes and videos and DVDs from all sorts of people who talk about reaching the god within us all and becoming god… . I patiently and selectively comment my dismay that he doesn’t give equal time/money to investing in Catholic speakers’ talks, books, DVDs, and I point out that not a single one of these ‘experts’ state JESUS is THE way to achieve all the stuff they talk about. They mention Jesus, they mention God, they mention the big religions but only as references.

I’ve managed to show him that all this stuff they talk about is not new. It’s what the Catholic Church has been saying for 2000 years. It was when I showed him some writings of the early Fathers that he said, “yeah, that’s what those tapes have been saying and what I’ve been saying.” To which I reply, “Except for one noticeable difference - the reference to Jesus. For every sentence you read in this passage that uses Jesus at the center you will find the same sentence in your tapes but with “Jesus” replaced with some other coined word - anything but Jesus. And therein lies the problem with all the speakers you listen to.” He’s beginning to notice it more as he continues to listen to the tapes - and that’s good.

I’m not alone. God and all the saints are working with me so I’m ok. If God could be patient with me these past 40 odd years when I thought I was on the right page, then I can be patient with my husband for how ever many years it’ll take for him to catch up with me. I know that is going to be a very special day.

I guess this place does not really center on helping another, but on airing their own feelings, as is evident above. Yes, so good of you yinyang to share, but still, you did not answer my concerns, only share yours. i did not find any help for my question by this response.

 

[Karin]

I guess this place does not really center on helping another, but on airing their own feelings, as is evident above. Yes, so good of you yinyang to share, but still, you did not answer my concerns, only share yours. i did not find any help for my question by this response.

You asked about personal experiences and yingYang gave you hers…what are you looking for a miracle…someone to solve all your issues?
May I suggest that you speak with your priest…perhaps he can guide you?

 

[BertaSwede]

You asked about personal experiences and yingYang gave you hers…what are you looking for a miracle…someone to solve all your issues?
May I suggest that you speak with your priest…perhaps he can guide you?

I would have hoped/and do hope today that a person with the Spirit of God in them, in their soul, would be more sensitive to others. That is all.

 

[Karin]

I would have hoped/and do hope today that a person with the Spirit of God in them, in their soul, would be more sensitive to others. That is all.

I think that YingYang’s post was a great one.
I am sorry that you did not share that point of view though.
There are many posters here and YingYang is one of them that do help people by giving examples from their own life…

 

[BeeSweet]

Hi BertaSwede ~ you should really focus on the positive of what your husband does in the faith rather than whether the two of you are on the same spiritual path. I think it’s a blessing that he goes to Mass with you! Mine won’t do that much. Have you heard of the Green Scapular? It feels like every other post I put on this site, I’m telling someone about the Green Scapular!! Checkout this site:

monksofadoration.org/mom/mom120.html

Pray for your husband. You may want to invite him to pray with you every evening together. I’ve tried this with my husband once, but I’ve not had the nerve to ask him again. I have to go take my son out to see the grandparents right now, but later today I’ll post a couple of prayers I know that are good for couples to say together, if you’re interested. When ya’ll do pray together, try to get him to lead the prayer, men are happier that way…

 

[BertaSwede]

Hi BertaSwede ~ you should really focus on the positive of what your husband does in the faith rather than whether the two of you are on the same spiritual path. I think it’s a blessing that he goes to Mass with you! Mine won’t do that much. Have you heard of the Green Scapular? It feels like every other post I put on this site, I’m telling someone about the Green Scapular!! Checkout this site:

monksofadoration.org/mom/mom120.html

Pray for your husband. You may want to invite him to pray with you every evening together. I’ve tried this with my husband once, but I’ve not had the nerve to ask him again. I have to go take my son out to see the grandparents right now, but later today I’ll post a couple of prayers I know that are good for couples to say together, if you’re interested. When ya’ll do pray together, try to get him to lead the prayer, men are happier that way…

Thank you beesweet. i am just little bit astounded as one can post without even acknowledging the poster who post the question. this i would think is merely common courtesy.

 

[kage_ar]

Your children will follow actions - if they see a mother who is full of the joy and peace of God, a mother who shines with the Holy Spirit, a mother who shares God’s love with them and teaches them how to be a good Catholic through her life - they will have much more chance of deep rooted Faith.

However, if the see Dad as having all the fun and joy and Mom as negative - they will see Catholicism as the “anti- fun” and be more apt to run away first chance they get.

You have to be the absolutely best shining example of Catholic joy there is. Get involved, volunteer at youth group, in CCD, in the Pro Life group - let those kids see you LIVE your Faith. The influence on both kids AND dad just may surprise you!

When it comes to your husband, let God do the conversion. You just be wonderful recruiting poster for Practicing Catholics!

 

[BeeSweet]

Thank you beesweet. i am just little bit astounded as one can post without even acknowledging the poster who post the question. this i would think is merely common courtesy.

Oh, I don’t know if you could say your original post was not acknowledged. I think the poster in question was genuinely trying to relate her situation to yours as well as answer your two questons: “what do you do about it? how do you get along with this?” You’re the final judge of course as to whether or not your question was answered! Be cautious not to judge others too harsly though, that measure which you use against others will be measured against you you know…

Not to hijack your thread… back to the topic at hand!!!

 

[YinYangMom]

BertaSwede,
I’m miffed as to how I could have offended you. You wrote:

i was wondering if anyone on here feels they did not marry a Catholic or Christian person, besides me, and how it may be affecting yourhome, and second, **what do you **do about it? how do you get along with this?

thanks much.

Then you went on to share your situation:

when i married long ago, it was not so important to me then, to know a believer in the marriage. But it is now. i am afraid it is not with my dear husband i am afraid. We go to Mass every Sunday, but this is it for him, when i would like much more spiritual training for our children than he would like.** i just am wonder if some other people face this problem.** i pray and have enrolled our many children in church cathechism classes, but without the two parents examples, i wonder is it hopeless to expect our children to love God in the long run?

Which indicated to me you were:

a) inviting others to share their experiences (which I did); and

b) asking if these situations are hopeless (which I tried to convey they are not because we are not alone in our efforts).

Is there something more specific you were seeking? If so, I admit I missed reading that in your post.

You say your husband attends mass but that’s it for him.
That’s similar to my situation.

My husband defers the raising of the faith in our kids to me.
Your post does not indicate if that is the case for you.
You post does not indicate how many years you’ve been married.
It does not indicate how many children you have or what ages they are…
It’s difficult to give specific advice with little information.

If your husband defers the raising of the faith in your kids to you then you have a lot of power and influence over how well your children come to learn their faith! It’s if he undermines your efforts or openly disagrees with you about them in front of the kids that you’d have to worry.

Yes, it’s ideal to have both parents role modeling Catholicism to the kids, but as I noted, the sacrament of marriage is first and foremost to help each other grow in love and service to Our Lord. That seems to indicate God knows marriages will go through these uneven patches, and when they do He counts on the stronger one each time to bring the other along.

But instilling the knowledge and love of God into our children’s hearts is not dependent upon husband and wife being spiritually on the same page. It depends more upon consistency, and as you noted, examples. What your children don’t pick up from their father you have exposed them to through the religious ed courses and such. That’s important so you’re on the right track.

Keep praying for your husband. Use the green scapular as the other poster suggested, and continue doing the good job you’re doing with your kids. If you’re finding yourself a little resentful of having to shoulder raising Catholic children Catholic by yourself (I went through a couple of those patches) then remind yourself that you are not alone. You have your parish, you have Mary, and lots of us here to help you through. The people on this forum have given me much strength and confidence when I needed it most, they will help you, too.

I don’t know how old your children are, but it wasn’t until mine hit their teen years that their observations of their father’s faith examples struck a chord with my husband. They started calling him on going through the motions of being Catholic without really exhibiting living the Catholic life outside of the church environment and boy, did that get his attention! Because I spent as much time teaching them their faith early on, they were able to recognize the difference themselves in his behavior and mine and they were able to share that with him so that now, as a family, we work together to live a Catholic life.

Hubby’s still behind on some matters, as I shared, but the kids helped me reach him on some of the others - and they continue to help. There’s no doubt in my mind this is the work of the Spirit through God’s love for the family to bring my husband to Him. Do not give up on your husband. Be patient. Be consistent with the kids, and keep praying. God will use them to help you with your husband as well. Trust Him.

 

[BertaSwede]

BertaSwede,
My husband defers the raising of the faith in our kids to me.
Your post does not indicate if that is the case for you.
You post does not indicate how many years you’ve been married.
It does not indicate how many children you have or what ages they are…
It’s difficult to give specific advice with little information.

If your husband defers the raising of the faith in your kids to you then you have a lot of power and influence over how well your children come to learn their faith! It’s if he undermines your efforts or openly disagrees with you about them in front of the kids that you’d have to worry.
But instilling the knowledge and love of God into our children’s hearts is not dependent upon husband and wife being spiritually on the same page. It depends more upon consistency, and as you noted, examples. What your children don’t pick up from their father you have exposed them to through the religious ed courses and such. That’s important so you’re on the right track.
Keep praying for your husband. Use the green scapular as the other poster suggested, and continue doing the good job you’re doing with your kids. If you’re finding yourself a little resentful of having to shoulder raising Catholic children Catholic by yourself (I went through a couple of those patches) then remind yourself that you are not alone. You have your parish, you have Mary, and lots of us here to help you through. The people on this forum have given me much strength and confidence when I needed it most, they will help you, too.
I don’t know how old your children are, but it wasn’t until mine hit their teen years that their observations of their father’s faith examples struck a chord with my husband. They started calling him on going through the motions of being Catholic without really exhibiting living the Catholic life outside of the church environment and boy, did that get his attention! Because I spent as much time teaching them their faith early on, they were able to recognize the difference themselves in his behavior and mine and they were able to share that with him so that now, as a family, we work together to live a Catholic life.
Hubby’s still behind on some matters, as I shared, but the kids helped me reach him on some of the others - and they continue to help. There’s no doubt in my mind this is the work of the Spirit through God’s love for the family to bring my husband to Him. Do not give up on your husband. Be patient. Be consistent with the kids, and keep praying. God will use them to help you with your husband as well. Trust Him.

Thank you yin and yang for your post.