A Call to move on or a "rebound"? What should I do in this dating scenario?

[ack]

Just to clarify I DO show Ben some advancement. i.e. if he compliments me I return the compliment, I tell him I care about him (in the friend sense), and I make sure I DO tell him when he does something sweet.

Most men are not very good at picking up these kinds of hints. If you want to communicate something to him, you’ll have to be more explicit than that.

Don’t over analyze my ‘rule.’ lol I’m old fashioned in this sense, sorry. But, no I don’t believe women are above men, and that is why the men should do the asking. It’s how I was raised…in a very conservative, strict Italian household…women don’t ask out men. That was how my sister was raised, that is how she raised me. That is how we are raising our daughter. But, to each’s own. No one is right or wrong here.

The author of this article also believes that men should do the asking, but she found it necessary to Pull a Ruth, which had a surprising result.

The OP should read the article I linked above… it is interesting and relevant to her situation.

 

[whatevergirl]

Most men are not very good at picking up these kinds of hints. If you want to communicate something to him, you’ll have to be more explicit than that.

The author of this article also believes that men should do the asking, but she found it necessary to Pull a Ruth, which had a surprising result.

The OP should read the article I linked above… it is interesting and relevant to her situation.

“Pulling a Ruth” I love that. What a neat story. Wouldn’t that be so romantic if single women could get the point across like that? Thanks for sharing this.

 

[flyingfish]

Thanks for all ya’lls (name removed by moderator)ut Just to clarify I DO show Ben some advancement. i.e. if he compliments me I return the compliment, I tell him I care about him (in the friend sense), and I make sure I DO tell him when he does something sweet. However, flirting is not asking out, and that is the part he has to do. And that is not something I plan on changing. I respect everyones opinion about that and see NO problem with women asking men out its just not my thing (old fashioned )Regardless, I have been considering what all of ya’ll have been saying and see a trend in the not considering Matt category. I suppose we will see how that works out, but right now I am definitly not PUSHING that relationship so I have more time to discern it. Time will tell but for right now I guess I’ll be mustering up the courage to talk to Ben about how I feel. Thanks ya’ll so much for your advice and help. God Bless- Ag

The kind of thing you describe is not giving him the signal that you like him that way. I return the compliments of acquaintances I rarely see, I tell my friends and family I carea bout them, and I thank people when they do things for me.

Are you sure that the things you do can be distinguished from how you’d interact with an entirely platonic close male friend?

You need to be more overt to let him know that you like him as a man. Also, if it’s not your thing to ask a man out, do you feel the same about telling a man that you are attracted to him?

I think it’s really important for you to push this a little. From the way you described Ben, he seems to like you. If he is not interested in a relationship with you, it’s important for you to know so you can move on. But it would be really sad if you moved on while he wants to have a relationship.

Be strong! Talk to him! Write him a letter (perfumed and on pretty stationery if you’re old fashioned )!

 

[prodigalson12]

In his mind, he already told you how he feels, the fact that nothing happened after disclosing it, he mistook for your non interest, as to it becoming romantic, and in fact, making romantic advances is jeopardizing your friendship, of which he very much does not want to lose.

He is probably clueless about that pursuing element, in fact, it’s something rather new to me as well, understanding wise when it comes down to it, and if you look at it, what did you do on your part to recipicate outside of perhaps a smile. You guys need to learn to communicate better when it comes down to it, nothing more, and this 4 years, he’s been there, pursuing you in his own way regardless, so now it’s your turn…

He does something sweet, do something sweeter back, and let it run it’s natural course if you still don’t want to be direct…

 

[chevalier]

Don’t over analyze my ‘rule.’ lol I’m old fashioned in this sense, sorry. * But, no I don’t believe women are above men, and that is why the men should do the asking. It’s how I was raised…in a very conservative, strict Italian household…women don’t ask out men. That was how my sister was raised, that is how she raised me. That is how we are raising our daughter. But, to each’s own. No one is right or wrong here. *

As I said, I agree with the rule when it comes to application (traditional Polish here ), but the rationale for that rule is often somewhat flawed logically and for this reason, you ladies might not find what you seek, as you risk on the one hand skipping some good men due to circumstancial factors and the other hand, you risk falling for sheer audacity. Taking for granted that a man who doesn’t come out in a specific desired timeframe has leadership deficiencies would be like taking for granted a woman who lets a man know about her feelings has problems with decorum or even conduct. As for the “women above men” matter, I was talking to the OP, not to you, I should’ve marked that more clearly; I wouldn’t be giving you early-twentyish advice like that (sorry if it came across that way).

 

[Nec5]

Taking for granted that a man who doesn’t come out in a specific desired timeframe has leadership deficiencies would be like taking for granted a woman who lets a man know about her feelings has problems with decorum or even conduct.

That’s a superb analogy. This is particularly relevant in our current cultural landscape, which is a few clowns short of a circus.

 

[whatevergirl]

As I said, I agree with the rule when it comes to application (traditional Polish here ), but the rationale for that rule is often somewhat flawed logically and for this reason, you ladies might not find what you seek, as you risk on the one hand skipping some good men due to circumstancial factors and the other hand, you risk falling for sheer audacity. Taking for granted that a man who doesn’t come out in a specific desired timeframe has leadership deficiencies would be like taking for granted a woman who lets a man know about her feelings has problems with decorum or even conduct. As for the “women above men” matter, I was talking to the OP, not to you, I should’ve marked that more clearly; I wouldn’t be giving you early-twentyish advice like that (sorry if it came across that way).

*Okay, thanks, chev. *

 

[chevalier]

*Okay, thanks, chev. *

Sigh… I really am sorry.

The author of this article also believes that men should do the asking, but she found it necessary to Pull a Ruth, which had a surprising result.

The OP should read the article I linked above… it is interesting and relevant to her situation.

Lol. I’ve actually spent several hours reeding through those articles and following on the links… Speaking of:

boundless.org/2005/articles/a0000810.cfm

There’s something someone could forward to Ben.

(For the record, I disagree with some of the statements made in some of the articles on that site.)

 

[chevalier]

That’s a superb analogy. This is particularly relevant in our current cultural landscape, which is a few clowns short of a circus.

Thank you. To be really honest, however, I must admit there is a link, even if it’s not automatic, strong, universal, central etc. As in Steve’s case, while he wasn’t immediately ready for marriage, it showed he was good husband material, it may well be the same with Ben. Candice would be missing on quite something if she had skipped Steve because he wouldn’t be more decisive. There’s plenty of guys who are simply not sure, not ready etc. (though I submit that’s a better approach than the fake certainty that leads to break-ups and is born of the expectation that men need to be fully decided, not just initiate - let alone the fake certainty of secular culture where you love someone to the point of psychosis but cheat two weeks later). I’m somewhat biased on this issue because I believe in processing some data before declaring oneself, and in making an informed choice for mutual good - and the way I see it, asking a stranger out on a date whereby by second date you’re supposed to be her boyfriend and fiance soon after - defeats this purpose, so you’d better have some less-declared avenues, such going out some without a strict obligation to exclusivity but without kissing, “relationship” talk, holding hands and other clearly romantic PDA creating labels and forcing you to live up to them. Plus, I have the attitude that leadership abilities are not for show any more than fighting abilities are. You don’t fight for the visual enjoyment of non-combatants and the same way you don’t show leadership abilities (yes, I know this sounds jaded).

Relating the above to the OP’s situation, however, I need to stress on the 4 years. That’s an awful lot of time, likely up to around 20% of their lives. Ben has had plenty of time but find out about the OP, so this is different. However, that in turn, is compensated by the fact he may have some homework to do on himself and his attitudes.

 

[ack]

(For the record, I disagree with some of the statements made in some of the articles on that site.)

I do too, because the articles are written from a fundamentalist Protestant perspective. More specifically, their theology of vocation is defective because they lack a Catholic understanding, leading to some questionable advice. I didn’t see anything unsound in the article I linked though.

(On that website, a new editor took over in 2005 and the theology in the articles got much worse. The new editor seems to be much more closely aligned to American Fundamentalist Protestant theology than the old editors was. You can even find articles written before and after 2005 where the advice given is in total disagreement.)

 

[chevalier]

I do too, because the articles are written from a fundamentalist Protestant perspective. More specifically, their theology of vocation is defective because they lack a Catholic understanding, leading to some questionable advice. I didn’t see anything unsound in the article I linked though.

(On that website, a new editor took over in 2005 and the theology in the articles got much worse. The new editor seems to be much more closely aligned to American Fundamentalist Protestant theology than the old editors was. You can even find articles written before and after 2005 where the advice given is in total disagreement.)

Yup, nothing like that in the article.

(The Baptist doctor perchance? He seems e.g. to disapprove of any time alone before getting married, while in Pulling a Ruth, two car drives were crucial to the whole thing.)

By the way, don’t you think Pulling a Ruth I and II actually show a better perspective than Ruth Revisited? Just incidentally.

 

[HouseArrest]

I agree with expecting the man to pursue, however, you’ve got to send out the message.

I agree with (I think) flyingfish that what you described isn’t quite going to do it. You need to lay it on thick. “Pursuing” and “getting the man to pursue” are two completely different things. Start flirting!