A few family questions

[ivan]

We are Catholics married for four years. We use natural family planning since first day of our marriage. Everything is fine in all other aspects of life, but there are some problems in our sex life. My wife usually not so active when it comes to intercourse, usually she is cold, no passion, she avoids kissing. She also tries to cut no fertile days on our NFP calendar when we usually have intercourse to minimum amount. Besides for some reason she is avoiding pregnancy for four years. Of course we talk a lot about it, but usually her answers not so serious and they differ from time to time.

Beside we are practicing Catholics and our faith is very important to us. We are familiar with some of the teaching of the Church from Catechism of the Catholic Church in regards to sex, procreation, pornography etc. Here are few questions I want to ask you:

1. To improve our sexual life are we allowed to read magazines such as Cosmopolitan an others where they give you different advises and stories such as couples sex adventures, and bed stories. Would it be pornography?
2. Is that normal for Catholics to have access to sex education books such as Kama Sutra or for example well known Better Sex videos?
3. When we watch let’s say R rated movie or even PG for example Titanic and in the movie there is sexual intercourse between two actors is that scene considered pornographic and do we have to go to confession for that ?
4. I there is a difference between pornographic movies and erotic movies r they are one and the same.
5. And if we exposed to let’s say bikini models magazine or such is that a pornography.
   Also I want to ask you some more questions about Catholics sex life.
   • I know we are allowed to have oral sex. Does it always have to finish with normal procreative intercourse?
   • Are we allowed to have it in our no intercourse days
   • Also let’s say we are not planning to have intercourse is such things as woman to man masturbation allowed
   Thank you very much for your answers

God bless you

Sincerely yours

I

 

[theresa]

I am wondering if your wife is feeling like an object in this marriage. You talk a lot about using porn to assist your sex problems. I can guarantee you, buddy, that most women do not want to be compared to those women in soft or hard porn magazines or movies. Show your wife some tenderness, help her around the house, show that you care about her day, and things will improve in time. Maybe she doesn’t want to have children because she sees you are most interested in satisfying your own needs. Maybe she can see that you have a selfish streak. Does any of this make you uncomfortable? Look at yourself and see what you can improve about yourself to make things better in your marriage. Pray about what you can do to make a better marriage!

 

[LynnieLew]

Why use images of other people to assist you in the bedroom?
God gave us an imagination, that is half the fun.

Images like that can be a “gateway” into other pornographic material. It is the objectification of both men and women.

It sounds like something else is interfering with intimacy here. I would seriously consider consulting a priest about this.

 

[LisaB]

I’m not sure I’ll be able to answer all your questions, but I’ll answer some. In general, there is nothing wrong with reading “how-to” sex books and materials in order to improve your sex life. However, I agree with the other posters that you have to carefully consider the reason why you need such materials. Also, you want to make sure that the materials are used to help you improve your sex life with your wife, not as objects for masturbation or for otherwise satisfying your own needs.

As far as movies go, this is my personal opinion: if no actual intercourse is shown (like in most movies on TV), it’s ok to watch it as long as the movie does not become an occasion of sin for you (you have to honestly ask yourself this question). Anything that shows intercourse, nudity, or any other explicit scenes (not the ones where sex is implied) are same as porn, I think.

As for bikini models… It’s not pornography per se, but I think it is intended to serve the same purpose. I think it is unacceptable for a husband to use images of other women to get aroused, even if he ultimately has intercourse with his wife and no one else.

Oral sex is only allowed as foreplay. It always, without exception, has to finish with normal procreative intercourse. The same goes for your question on masturbation. On your no intercourse days, you should not be getting aroused at all, because the whole purpose of arousal is to prepare your body for procreative intercourse.

I strongly recommend the book by Christopher West, Good News About Sex and Marriage. It will answer all of your questions and more. It will also help you see sex in a completely new light, which will, in my opinion, ultimately help you with your original problem of no passion in sex life.