Albedo:
Thank you for the suggestions, everyone. I’d like to respond to each of you individually but I’m too lazy, I’m afraid …
One poster mentioned the idea of confession, and I think it would help me. I’m just so scared of going because
I’ve never gone in my entire life … so you can imagine my fear. Once I do it once, I’m sure a great burden of sinfulness will be lifted from my conscience. It’s just hard to take the leap of faith, you know? If anyone can give me personal stories (or stories of other people) going to confession for the first time, perhaps it would help. Thanks! And please don’t waste time telling me how bad it is not to go to confession – I know it’s a grave sin and I’m endangering my well-being (and my very soul) by not going.
I used to read the Bible but then I stopped … I burnt myself out, I’m afraid. I think I’ll start reading one to two pages every day again, though. I also used to pray the rosary daily and say a litany to Jesus every day, but they didn’t really help me feel connected to Our Lord, sadly.
I won’t give up, and again, thanks for the help everyone! Much appreciated.
Albedo:
I hear your pain. You’re going through the “Dark Night of the Soul without ever having gotten to know God”. What you’re experiencing is part of why I left some 23 years ago, but at least I had known God so that He could bring me back.
Have you ever been baptized or confirmed? Have you received the Eucharist? If you haven’t, that would explain a lot of what you’re experiencing, because it’s harder to know God and experience him in your life without the Sacraments.
If you haven’t received any of those Sacraments, list them, and we’ll start working on them for you…
Meanwhile:
You might want to watch Mel Gibson’s movie,
The Passion of the Christ, and then think about the fact that, if you had been the only sinner on this entire earth who both needed salvation and would accept it, He would have gladly gone through everything depicted in the movie just for YOU!
The next time you say the “Our Father” substitute the word “Daddy” in place of “Our Father” - That (“Abba”-“Daddy”) is the word Jesus used. This will sound childish, but picture getting into God’s lap as you start to pray.
You can also say the
Prayer of the Publican or the
Jesus Prayer:
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God,
Have mercy on me, A sinner.
Repeat it a few times, breathing in SLOWLY as you say the first line and breathing out SLOWLY as you say the second. The best place to do this is in front of the Blessed Sacrament - The worst behind the wheel of your car.
And, stop using the word “Diety” for a while. God is something that’s way out there. Although he’s a transcendent reality, He’s also all around you waiting for you to allow him in:
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, (then) I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.” ** Rev. 3:20 NAB**
Speaking of Confession - The Seal of the Confessional is Absolute, & priests are sworn not to devulge anything said in Confession even if tortured or thrown in jail. The Seal goes both ways, which means I can only talk in general terms.
When I came back to the Church in Oct., 2003, I was a mess, largely because I hadn’t been to services or received the Sacraments in over 20 years. The first 2 times I went to Confession, I dealt with what happened during that 20 years and the damage from those activities.
The Confessional is often called “God’s Operating Room”, because the one doing the real work in the Confessional isn’t the Penitent or the Confessor. The one doing all the heavy lifting and major surgery is God the Holy Spirit. That was the case I went - I talked and cried - The Confessor prayed, and God removed the poisonous serpant that had attached itself to me and removed the poison.
I am confident of this, that the one who began a good work in you will continue to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus. Phil. 1:6 NAB.
Let me know if any of this helps and what we can help take you through.
In Christ, Michael