A question about being childfree

[elizabeth0808]

Hi!

I actually made this account today specifically to ask a question about a subject that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately - being childfree by choice.

Is it immoral to be childfree by choice within marriage?

To be honest, I have never had a desire to have children. When someone learns they are expecting they are so happy (and I’m very happy for them), but when I think of myself becoming pregnant, I get this horrible feeling in my stomach. I’ve been able to ignore these feelings for quite some time, but now that I’m getting married in a little over a year, it’s all I can think about! Instead of being happy about the joys of engagement and marriage, I feel this terrible dread. It’s like I’m moving towards something I cannot escape.

I can’t even quite put a finger on what it is about having children that makes me so…scared? Scared is definitely the feeling I think I’m having. Of course I have a fear of the complications of childbirth, labor, and postpartum…but I don’t think that’s really what worries me.

I think I’m more afraid of the responsibilities of taking care of another human being. I’m worried that I might lose part of myself in the process. I’m worried I’ll have to quit my job, which I love. I don’t want to give that up, but I feel this terrible pressure to be a stay at home mom because that’s what all of my friends have done. I wish I could talk to someone about these feelings, but it always quickly ends the same way - that I’m a terrible and selfish person. My fiancé does know my feelings, and he is kind and listens, but insists I will magically change my mind.

So, I don’t know what I’m looking for with this question. I think I already know the answer. Maybe I’m just looking for someone to give me a hug across the internet since it seems there is no one to talk to it at this point.

 

[ZemD]

I think everyone is scared before they have their first child.

You do loose part of yourself, this did not bother me, I guess I was dull to begin with.

I also loved my job and planned to return to work after having my first son and I had changed my mind before I left the hospital.

Being scared to have kids isn’t the same as purposefully never having children. I don’t think you can be married if you plan to purposefully never have children?

 

[Tis_Bearself]

First, if you absolutely do not ever want to have children, then you should not get married.
Having said that, it’s normal to be scared of the idea of having children, or of being married for that matter. But if your fear of this in the future is really taking over your life, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor to explore why you are feeling this way. Talking to other people is unlikely to be helpful, as you’ve found out.

Second, you don’t have to be a SAHM just because that’s what your friends have done. Some women are not suited to that. If you would like to keep your job while having children, then start thinking realistically about how you might arrange that, for example. Look into your employer’s maternity leave policies, see how other women in your career have handled it. Most women nowadays do not have to quit a job to have children, and in many cases that’s not even an option because the children’s fathers are not in the picture and the woman needs to support her child which means she needs to keep her job.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Maybe you’re scared of growing up in general and parenting is the thing you’re fixating on.

This doesn’t make you stupid or crazy or bad.

Marriage is scary, and so is growing up and being the person where “the buck stops”.

The fact is, you will change when you’re married. And so will he. Your relationship will change.

How long until your wedding?
Next week? Or two years in the future?
Are you actually engaged (with a rock on your finger and a church booked).
Or just talking about it?

 

[Raxus]

Instead of being happy about the joys of engagement and marriage, I feel this terrible dread. It’s like I’m moving towards something I cannot escape.

If the idea of kids makes you that afraid, I would suggest holding off on the marriage until you get some counseling and make a choice on kids one way or the other.

 

[Amac1]

There’s so much I could say to you but I think the main thing I want to comment on is… “my fiancé insists I will change my mind”. That’s a massive red flag. It doesn’t sound like he on the same wavelength as you - I would hold off on any vows until you both have a definite idea of where you want to take this marriage.