A question for parents of young adults still living "at home"

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When they’re leaving the house, do your kids tell you where they’re going? Am I out of line for asking my 24 yr-old son or 22 yr-old daughter where they’re going and who they’re going to be with? Or should they just walk out the door without a word of explanation?
 
For a whole lot of reasons that have nothing to do with parent/adult child relationships I firmly believe that people who live under the same roof should let those they live with know where they are going.

Good manners: it shows consideration for those you live with to let them know where you are going.

Safety: I have always felt it is a good idea that ‘someone’ knows where you are going, so that if something happens to prevent your timely return people know where to begin looking for you.

In the case of adult children still living at home, the letting parents know where they are going and with whom is not so that the parents can say yes or no to the arrangement; it is simply an issue of good manners to let the owners of the home know where you are going; and a matter of personal safety to ensure that someone knows where you are.
 
I believe there should be established guidelines, understandings and responsibilities set. You should make it perfectly clear that these will be adhered to or they will find their belongings on the front lawn. Tough love=responsible young adults
 
At that age I didn’t mind divulging that information for safety’s sake. That seemed completely reasonable. Whenever we go on vacation I still send my mom an itinerary so that at least one person outside the house knows where we are supposed to be. But my mom doesn’t wag fingers or anything…

I resented having it be a prerequisite for my going anywhere when everyone know I wasn’t rushing out to do anything dangerous. Especially if I couldn’t easily get the requested information until I arrived at the destination (a phone number for example). THAT was the moment arguments might happen.

I don’t think you are out of line…just watch how you frame things. No adult likes to talked to as if they were a child.
 
How do the parents in the house handle this? For example, some parents do not always tell each other they are running out to the store. But as a general rule, I think most prants have a fairly good idea of where the other is… at home somewhere, at the store, at a meeting, etc.

And there is also the question of meals–if someone is planning to cook a meal, it’s really helpful to know how many to cook for!

And of course, safety. I remember once in college telling all my hiusemates exactly where I was going because my tutor was in the Moonies and I wanted my friends to come and get me if I didn’t come back! Not to mention all the terrible crimes we hear about…
 
My daughter is still young but I come.from a culture where children live with the parents until they get married and I lived with my grandparents until I was 26. Everytime I left the house I had to tell my grandmother where I was going And who I was to be with. At the time I would get mad about it but now I totally see why. First, as aforesaid, security reasons. God forbids any accident or something bad happens, if you know where they are taking action in case of accidents is easier for their own security. I am almost 40 and I make.sure that someone knows where I am! Also, recently I received a scam call the call would say that a child/significant other was in a major car accident and they needed you to go there and when you arrive there they would assault you and rob you. I got a call saying my fiance was in an accident but thanks to the fact I knew where he was I started suspecting about the veracity of the call. I ended up contacting the police who said it was a scam and were very happy to hear I dint believe the call as they have had high number of people been assaulted because they went to meet the scamer. I was lucky not to fall for it but only because I knew where he was so there is a perfect example of why you should tell.
 
I was a boomerang kid for a while and so was my (step)brother, I’ve always been close with my parents and being raised by a single parent I would disclose where I’m going as a curtesy and for safety reasons. My brother doesn’t really do this and it causes some strife at home, I’ve heard my pop admonish him to let some one know if he is living or dead. Usually the only time I’ve seen young adults balk at telling their parents where they are going is when the parents tend to helicopter and want to many details or too much involvement.
 
VivienneJ said:
Safety: I have always felt it is a good idea that ‘someone’ knows where you are going, so that if something happens to prevent your timely return people know where to begin looking for you.

In the case of adult children still living at home, the letting parents know where they are going and with whom is not so that the parents can say yes or no to the arrangement; it is simply an issue of good manners to let the owners of the home know where you are going; and a matter of personal safety to ensure that someone knows where you are.
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Amen & Amen! My son is living at home while going to college. He does like to stay out all night with friends and I have no problem with that** if he tells me where he’s going and/or who he’s with!** My son doesn’t like this at all! Even if he was living in a dorm or in an apartment, I’d expect him to extend the same courtesy to his roommates. I’ve told him that I just want to know which ditch off which road we should start searching before the 24 hour period has gone by to file a missing persons report. 😉

I do remind him that he does seem to like the food he eats, the bed he sleeps in, the car he drives (still in my name) and the education and medical care we are paying for…
 
Well I’m not a parent, but I can tell you from a teenager’s point of view. I do tell my parents where I am going and who I am going with. Then I usually call one (or both) of my parents to tell them that I am where I am supposed to be. Sometimes my mom calls and says what are you doing now and I tell her. I have a curfew and I abide by that curfew. When I get home, I call my dad that I have come home. And I discuss with my mom what I did that day. So yes, my family knows what I am doing. :]
 
My son is 22. I don’t ask him where he’s going, but I do ask him when he’ll be home. Partly so I don’t worry if he stays at a friend’s house for the night, partly because we have only 2 cars for 3 people.

He has a cell phone, so I can call him if I need to.
 
If any of my adult children should ask to move in with us (hard to imagine since they are all doing well financially) I would hand him a list of the house rules that he must abide by to ask him if those rules are acceptable to him. If so, we would be delighted to help out. If not he has a perfect right to make other arrangements. This would apply even if we were helicopter parents. If he finds that he can’t in reality abide by those rules I would ask him to please let us know where he will be living tomorrow.

Annie
 
I haven’t given it much thought, because our 30 year old daughter never leaves without saying where’s she’s going, who she’ll be with, what she will be doing, and when she expects to be back…and her last words are either, “…love you”, or “love you too”!

She does it not because we demand it, but because she is considerate, and I never miss an opportunity to tell her what a wonderful person she is!
 
CrispSnowflake said:
Well I’m not a parent, but I can tell you from a teenager’s point of view. I do tell my parents where I am going and who I am going with. Then I usually call one (or both) of my parents to tell them that I am where I am supposed to be. Sometimes my mom calls and says what are you doing now and I tell her. I have a curfew and I abide by that curfew. When I get home, I call my dad that I have come home. And I discuss with my mom what I did that day. So yes, my family knows what I am doing. :]
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You are a good son or daughter. 👍
 
Tenebrae said:
When they’re leaving the house, do your kids tell you where they’re going? Am I out of line for asking my 24 yr-old son or 22 yr-old daughter where they’re going and who they’re going to be with? Or should they just walk out the door without a word of explanation?
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Tell them if they don’t tell you voluntarily, you will put tracking software on their phones. 😃 When the smoke clears, they either agree to be polite, or that’s what happens. Especially if YOU still pay the bills.
 
Our children lived with us until they got married. I must be in the minority because after age 18 I felt that they were adults and could handle their own lives without me asking questions. They did stay out late occasionally but so what? It didn’t bother us. They never got into trouble. And we are very close today.
Of course, this stems from me not having a curfew from my senior year on. My dad just said he expected me to use common sense and I did.
 
Annie39 said:
If any of my adult children should ask to move in with us (hard to imagine since they are all doing well financially) I would hand him a list of the house rules that he must abide by to ask him if those rules are acceptable to him. If so, we would be delighted to help out. If not he has a perfect right to make other arrangements. This would apply even if we were helicopter parents. If he finds that he can’t in reality abide by those rules I would ask him to please let us know where he will be living tomorrow.

Annie
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👍

When I was a young adult, as much as I may have resented it, I still understood it was basic respect. Honestly, young adults that still live at home, are often spoiled IMO all the luxuries without the responsibilities. Whoever owns the house makes the rules. When I was a young adult and saw peers living rent free at their parents home and not having to follow any house rules whatsoever, I always wondered how much respect they would have for me if they can not respect their parents nor their parents generosity. If I knew of a 24 year old man leaving at home who did not have the kindness to let his mom know where he was going, I would tell all young women ‘Do not date him, he will NOT be a responsible husband’

Angie
 
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