A question for the women of CAF: How do you handle being approached for money?

[iwillrisenow]

I have seen a number of discussions about how one might respond to being asked for money in the streets, but wanted to open one particularly for the women of the board. I wish I could say that I am perfectly at ease with handing something to whomever asked, any time, any place. But this is not the case. As I am currently living in an urban environment, I come across everything from individuals sitting on street corners with signs, to those walking up to cars at traffic lights, to those hanging around outside my building. I will share an interesting story in a moment…

In most cases, at the very least, I will say a prayer for the person involved. Depending on what I have on me and my quick in-the-moment judgment, sometimes I will give something. But I wonder if anyone has any ideas overall on how to handle things, especially as a woman who sometimes feels uncomfortable when being approached on the street in that manner. Additionally, I am not a gifted evangelist/outgoing personality, so while I wish I could just launch into a discussion about God at the slightest prompting, more likely I freeze up when these situations arise…for instance…

I just returned home to my building (around 9pm, dark, few people around outside but near the entrance) and sitting outside was a man sketching a picture. He said, “Young lady, come here a minute,” and kept insisting. I’ve been trying to be better about not walking away in these instances, so I slowed down. He holds up a sketch he’s working on. It’s Jesus. On. The. Cross (!!!) He asks, “Do you know who this is?” I nod. Then he explains he’s not interested in drugs, anything I have that could help, etc… On the table in front of him is a Bible and a few other things. I do notice the smell of alcohol on his breath (I don’t try to stereotype or judge, but I noticed it as he was talking). So, long story short, I hand him what I can grab in my wallet (not a whole lot), he looks at it for a moment quietly, then says thank you, and I go inside my building.

Ladies, what would you have done in this situation?? I suppose I am really struggling with an upbringing where I was taught never to engage in these types of situations, safety first, etc. and getting used to the Catholic notion of charity. It is one thing for males and those who are gifted with speaking/interacting with strangers to handle these situations with ease…but how should the rest of us go about it? Also, do you have any female “role models” (particularly everyday, non-religious lay women) whom you look up to for their charity and how they respond in these types of situations?

 

[Catholic90]

But I wonder if anyone has any ideas overall on how to handle things, especially as a woman who sometimes feels uncomfortable when being approached on the street in that manner. …I just returned home to my building (around 9pm, dark, few people around outside but near the entrance) and sitting outside was a man sketching a picture. He said, “Young lady, come here a minute,” and kept insisting. …
Ladies, what would you have done in this situation??

I NEVER give anyone on the street anything. There are organizations who feed and clothe people. It is far safer to give to the organizations than to the street people.

Kept insisting?? I would have left as quickly as possible and called the police to remove him from the building so he doesn’t harrass people. Don’t care if he’s got a Bible and is drawing Jesus…it is still harrassment.

What would I have done? Never have opened my wallet, that is for sure.

I should not have to feel intimidated and not safe in my own home, which is exactly what you are saying happened.

 

[Catholic90]

See this thread.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=447062

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

When I have change in my pocket I don’t mind giving it. I never stop and open my bag to get the money out. I always say a prayer for the person sitting on the street and begging.

I completely understand why you gave the Bible guy money. When being put on the spot like that it is difficult to just walk away.

Maybe you could give money to a charity that helps homeless people instead. In that way you’d be helping without feeling obliged to give money that might end up being spent for drink.

 

[Alexandra]

A good suggestion that someone gave me when I worked in the city was to buy the McDonalds coupons and keep them in my pocket so I could give them out to the street people when asked for money. That way I knew that the money was not going to liquor or drugs. I suppose they don’t have the coupons anymore but maybe those debit card things you can purchase. I don’t know the smallest denomination though.

 

[1ke]

You are not obligated to give to people on the street. In fact, your money typically goes to drugs, alcohol, and crime when you do. There are so many organizations to help the homeless and truly indigent, and the homeless and downtrodden know where to find these organizations.

Give money to the organizations, such as Catholic Charities, homeless shelters, food banks, etc.

Be prepared for those on the street. Make up little slips of paper with the name, address, and phone # of places that can help them. Buy food coupons (like McDonald’s dollars) and give them out with the slips if you feel called to do so.

One of my friends who lived in NYC used to carry around apples, bags of pretzels, etc, and when someone would beg for money for food she’d offer them the food instead. No one ever took the food, and they typically gave her a good cursing out for offering it. They wanted money for drugs, not food.

I’ve handled it different ways. I’ve given money a few times. I’ve given out info on slips. I’ve bought a meal inside a McDonald’s and given it to a beggar outside. He took it and said thanks.

I rarely give money directly. I give to charities and let them do what they do best. Cons are very good at making you feel guilty and looking like they are very downtrodden when in fact they aren’t. If you’ve ever seen the undercover investigation of street corner beggars, it makes you very determined not to give to them. The fake limp disappears when no one is looking. The investigator follows them back to where they live-- not homeless-- or follows them to the drug house, etc.

When I did sidewalk counseling at Planned Parenthood, the real homeless (a lot mentally ill) would come pray with us. It was in “that” part of town. Not ONE time did any of those homeless praying with us ask for money or anything else.

I think it’s about 99.999999% scammers who are the ones begging on the corner.

 

[Kimothy80]

I just look away and pretend I can’t hear. I know that that sounds mean but I’m very petite (4’10") and look a lot younger than my actual age (30). I don’t need to give someone the idea that, based on my appearance, they can take advantage of me. :nope:

 

[puzzleannie]

I I just returned home to my building (around 9pm, dark, few people around outside but near the entrance) and sitting outside was a man sketching a picture. He said, “Young lady, come here a minute,” and kept insisting. I’ve been trying to be better about not walking away in these instances, so I slowed down.
. . . .
Ladies, what would you have done in this situation?? I ) whom you look up to for their charity and how they respond in these types of situations?

kept walking, nothing about Christian charity demands putting oneself in harm’s way even potentially. there are plenty of other ways to assist people, so find out what they are in the neighborhood where you encounter people in need, and support them. Don’t forget that prudence is one of the cardinal virtues. You should not engage with street people at all if you are a young lady, especially when it is dark and unpopulated.

 

[DebChris]

It is not an issue where I currently reside. That does not mean it doesn’t happen. The first altercation I saw here occurred when somebody tried begging from me. The restaurant owner stepped in. An argument ensured. A few minutes later, he had given the person something to eat, outside.

Stateside, on the other hand, it was a common occurrence. I usually say I don’t have anything. If the person says he/she is hungry, I direct him/her to Urban Ministry which serves a noon day meal. It is also where I direct somebody who is looking for shelter. Unfortunately, there are so many homeless this shelter is often filled to capacity. The criteria for being accepted has become tougher than when I needed help. They now look at income levels. In the past, shelter was provided without question and then the person directed to the necessary social services.

The issue of panhandlers bothering parishioners has been addressed at Mass, stateside. Do not give.

I do receive thank you’s from street people because I am one of the few who greet them as we pass one another. Maintain common courtesies.

 

[kage_ar]

Find out where a meal is available in your community.

There is a soup kitchen or food pantry (or more than one) available.

Type the info up on your computer (I do several on a sheet, and them cut them, they are about the size of a business card). When someone asks you for money, give them the slip that gives them info about food or shelter available in your area.

 

[DebChris]

Find out where a meal is available in your community.

There is a soup kitchen or food pantry (or more than one) available.

Type the info up on your computer (I do several on a sheet, and them cut them, they are about the size of a business card). When someone asks you for money, give them the slip that gives them info about food or shelter available in your area.

 

[GodIsGracious]

It has already been said, but I wanted to repeat it.

As a woman, there is nothing wrong with ignoring a person on the street. In the situation you described I would not have moved closer, no matter how insistent the person was. And I’ve been in just such situations before.

Give money to charitable organizations you believe in. That’s what I do. I NEVER EVER give money to someone on the street. EVER. That is NOT being uncharitable. A person needs to help themselves. It’s not like I don’t understand being destitute, I have been homeless and know what it is like to dumpster dive for food, so I am not callous.

Having been a victim of a violent crime (I am a woman myself) I also know the realities of life. I trust no one unless I know them.

I have a convertible. There are times when I’d drive with the top down. For some reason, people begging on street corners, and they are ALWAYS on the driver’s side at the stop light, think that just because I don’t have my top up they can move their person over the car door (I drive a Miata) and be what is essentially inside my car. Talk about rude!

Whenever they did that I’d start to roll up my window. One guy got angry and I said, “I may not have my top up, but that doesn’t mean you can still stick your head in my car.” He flipped me off. It kind of angered me at the time but then I thought, “Well, there’s one reason that’s his lot in life.”

BTW, I also never give them coupons or information for local shelters, or what not. I don’t engage them at all. I’ve seen all to often my mother give out some of her food stamps or food only to have them throw it back at her all mad and angry. I simply don’t engage them. If it means I’m not “doing unto the least of these,” so be it. There is nothing wrong with being practical. You never know what you’ll find out on the street. So I ignore them.

If you want to give to the less fortunate, there are other legitimate ways of doing so.

 

[Erin_Anne]

I have seen a number of discussions about how one might respond to being asked for money in the streets, but wanted to open one particularly for the women of the board. I wish I could say that I am perfectly at ease with handing something to whomever asked, any time, any place. But this is not the case. As I am currently living in an urban environment, I come across everything from individuals sitting on street corners with signs, to those walking up to cars at traffic lights, to those hanging around outside my building. I will share an interesting story in a moment…

In most cases, at the very least, I will say a prayer for the person involved. Depending on what I have on me and my quick in-the-moment judgment, sometimes I will give something. But I wonder if anyone has any ideas overall on how to handle things, especially as a woman who sometimes feels uncomfortable when being approached on the street in that manner. Additionally, I am not a gifted evangelist/outgoing personality, so while I wish I could just launch into a discussion about God at the slightest prompting, more likely I freeze up when these situations arise…for instance…

I just returned home to my building (around 9pm, dark, few people around outside but near the entrance) and sitting outside was a man sketching a picture. He said, “Young lady, come here a minute,” and kept insisting. I’ve been trying to be better about not walking away in these instances, so I slowed down. He holds up a sketch he’s working on. It’s Jesus. On. The. Cross (!!!) He asks, “Do you know who this is?” I nod. Then he explains he’s not interested in drugs, anything I have that could help, etc… On the table in front of him is a Bible and a few other things. I do notice the smell of alcohol on his breath (I don’t try to stereotype or judge, but I noticed it as he was talking). So, long story short, I hand him what I can grab in my wallet (not a whole lot), he looks at it for a moment quietly, then says thank you, and I go inside my building.

Ladies, what would you have done in this situation?? I suppose I am really struggling with an upbringing where I was taught never to engage in these types of situations, safety first, etc. and getting used to the Catholic notion of charity. It is one thing for males and those who are gifted with speaking/interacting with strangers to handle these situations with ease…but how should the rest of us go about it? Also, do you have any female “role models” (particularly everyday, non-religious lay women) whom you look up to for their charity and how they respond in these types of situations?

Living in Chicago, this happens a lot. You tend to get a sense of who really needs it at that moment, and who doesn’t (if they reek of booze, look high, etc.). What I’ve done is learned what resources for the poor are available in different neighborhoods so that I can give people this information. Thus far, people have been thankful for having been pointed in the right direction.

If someone comes up to me and tells me they haven’t eaten in a couple days - I’ll ask them if I can buy them a sandwich, instead of just handing them money. If they truly are hungry, they’ll accept. We should look out for our safety at all times – but the majority of people aren’t going to attack us. Our gut tells us if we’re in danger.

Since I’m obligated as a Catholic to do works of Charity and Mercy - I volunteer. Helping urban poor in a safe (or as safe as it gets) environment. I learned this from my mom - who is my role-model. She wasn’t/isn’t the greatest at getting to Church every Sunday, but she did Charity like there was no tomorrow until she became disabled.

 

[DebChris]

Living in Chicago, this happens a lot. You tend to get a sense of who really needs it at that moment, and who doesn’t (if they reek of booze, look high, etc.). What I’ve done is learned what resources for the poor are available in different neighborhoods so that I can give people this information. Thus far, people have been thankful for having been pointed in the right direction.

If someone comes up to me and tells me they haven’t eaten in a couple days - I’ll ask them if I can buy them a sandwich, instead of just handing them money. If they truly are hungry, they’ll accept. We should look out for our safety at all times – but the majority of people aren’t going to attack us. Our gut tells us if we’re in danger.

Since I’m obligated as a Catholic to do works of Charity and Mercy - I volunteer. Helping urban poor in a safe (or as safe as it gets) environment. I learned this from my mom - who is my role-model. She wasn’t/isn’t the greatest at getting to Church every Sunday, but she did Charity like there was no tomorrow until she became disabled.

We do need to be street wise, aware of our environment, but not so afraid of everybody we meet that we ignore the person who truly is in need.
No, do not give money. I’ve given away the second sandwich of a fast food 2 for 1 special.
Often instead of food, a person might ask for gas money. Does the person have a car? Pay the cashier, not the person, while the person pumps the gas.
Charitable organizations do not give cash to the person. For instance, the Knights of Columbus provide utility and rent assistance to families in need. The check is written directly to the landlord or utility company. Unlike Social Services, a person need not wait until he/she has received an eviction notice before receiving help.
Urban ministry provides loans for rental deposits, again written to the landlord, not the individual.
Be aware of red flags. I’ve even had a request to take me to my ATM.

Do not judge by appearance. That scruffy person may be exactly the one who steps forward when you are in need. I lived across the hall from the most despised man in the small town where I lived. Seeing my light on at 3am, he checked to see I was safe. I was going to work early (overtime). I was the person he wanted to see just before he died.

I discovered the safety net of protection that surrounded me in the roughest part of a larger city. Several men made it known they “had my back” because I was a virtuous woman.

 

[Peterock]

I am often in San Francisco, a city filled with panhandlers asking for money on the street. I hve found success by simply saying I don’t have any money to give to them but I would love to say a prayer WITH them and ask them if they would like to pray with me. I ask their name after I introduce myself and then I recite the Our Father. in 5 years Ive only had a few rare ocasions in which they did not join in. After the Our Father I simply say, "Almighty God, bring peace to (THEIR name) and give them a sense of hope for what great things you have Ordained for them in your name!! Amen, while they’re still speechless I look them in the eye and say God Bless You and I walk away.

 

[jmcrae]

I just returned home to my building (around 9pm, dark, few people around outside but near the entrance) and sitting outside was a man sketching a picture. He said, “Young lady, come here a minute,” and kept insisting. I’ve been trying to be better about not walking away in these instances, so I slowed down. He holds up a sketch he’s working on. It’s Jesus. On. The. Cross (!!!) He asks, “Do you know who this is?” I nod. Then he explains he’s not interested in drugs, anything I have that could help, etc… On the table in front of him is a Bible and a few other things. I do notice the smell of alcohol on his breath (I don’t try to stereotype or judge, but I noticed it as he was talking). So, long story short, I hand him what I can grab in my wallet (not a whole lot), he looks at it for a moment quietly, then says thank you, and I go inside my building.

So, now he knows where you live, and where you keep your wallet.

How I would handle it, is if I must say something, I would say, “I have no time to stop; I have an appointment to keep.” You don’t owe him money, nor even an explanation.

The safest thing to do is to simply breeze on by with a cheerful smile and wave, say nothing, and get safely locked into your building where he can’t harass you. Remember, you owe nothing to total strangers.

If he is family, yes, you have to help him. If he is a friend of yours, it would be a nice gesture. But a total stranger, and one who might be trying to con you and/or rob you, no. We are called to give to the poor, certainly - and charitable organizations are an ideal way to do that.

We are not required to give to people who may well just be thieves. As someone above pointed out, it is safest to give to organizations that assist the poor, and then to direct the poor to those charities.

In the Didache it says, “Let your alms sweat in your palms, until you know to whom you give.” This means, don’t get guilt-tripped into giving money to strangers, just because they claim to be poor.

 

[MissMichal]

I am careful to treat everyone who approaches me as a human being. I don’t pretend I don’t see anyone. It’s just rude.

In general, I will look someone in the face, offer a smile, and say “sorry” when asked for money (side note: Looking someone in the eye tends to be a deterrent to crime). I don’t say I don’t have it, which may or may not be true. There was a time when I handed out the Homeless Resource List from our local food bank, and those were frequently accepted. I have also pointed people to our Cathedral rectory, where people can get a sack lunch by knocking on the door, or to a local cafe who would give a meal for sweeping up after closing. I also frequently have bus tokens or a ticket with an hour or so left on it, which I sometimes hand to people looking for fare. Those are frequently turned down.

The outdoor mall where I work is directly across the street from the city’s main shelter, so I run into this a lot. I don’t make it a general policy never to give anyone money, but I do prefer to point folks to resources that can probably help better than I can. What I do have to give, and give freely, is basic human dignity.

 

[Disciple4Christ]

What would the Virgin Mary do ??
Lets see, when the Angel Gabriel told her she would concieve a child
without being married (a stoning offense in those days) she said be it done to me…

Not saying to take chances, but don’t use fear as an excuse “discern the best path”

I like the coupon idea

 

[PatriceA]

I’m not even making eye contact. I’ve been robbed at gunpoint before and I’m taking every precaution to not be in that situation again.

 

[puzzleannie]

I’m not even making eye contact. I’ve been robbed at gunpoint before and I’m taking every precaution to not be in that situation again.

Best advice. I am sorry, for a single woman, or for a young person alone, or for anyone who is approached on the street, sadly the best response is no response. Prudence is a cardinal virtue, and in this world sadly you may be setting yourself up for a crime. It is a fact that in virtually every city in this country there are resources within walking distance, which street people all know about (no, they are not all homeless) and will use when desperate so you are NOT their last, best hope. Nor are you necessarily doing them any favors by helping in a way that just makes you feel good. Unless you are prepared in every way to engage people on the street, best not attempt it at all.