A vent about my mother -and a little guilt

[Newzie52]

I have two choices -cut her off from my life or put up with the ranting/venting. Since she is nearly 80, I chose the latter. She has high blood pressure, diabetes, heart trouble, chronic emphysema, asthma among other ailments. I have a happy life and a great marriage. I have dear, close friends. God has blessed me so much so I chose to sacrifice a little peace of mind and give a little back. I don’t want to have regrets after she passes away. At least when she’s gone I can say I did the best I could.

God Bless.

Rayne, you are a wonderful daughter and good person. I admire you greatly. When your mother passes away you will have no reason for guilt or regrets, something not many people can say. God bless!

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

Ok. So I am my parents only living child. And their marriage has been on the rocks pretty much since my sister got sick with cancer more than 20 years ago. My dad actually bought a second house to have some place to go to get away from my mother nearly 10 years ago. He spends about 3 to 4 days of the week at the “other” house.

Today I took my mother to the doctors -she wanted me to come instead of my father. My parents have been fighting (nothing new) so I got hear all the way to the doctor and in the waiting room what a lousy person my father is. My dad picked up my daughter from her homeschool classes and met us at the hospital -then left to go to the “other” house.

After her appointment we went back to my parents’ house and I stayed for a while and got hear about what a lousy person my father is for several hours except when Dancing with the Stars was on. Then I only had to listen to it during the commercials.

My mother has too much pride to discuss these things with anyone else -including her only family who all live out of state. So I half listen (it’s the same thing over and over and over) and offer it up since she is lonely and has no one else to talk to.

The things is all the things she complains about are are reflection of what she did to me as a teenager. To back track after my sister died my mom pretty much lost it. She became a very cruel, nasty, unhappy person. I left as soon as I could (got married at 18) but my dad has had to live with her all these years.

He is endured things such as being called a Nazi because he is from Germany (my mother is Italian), she’s blamed him for my sister’s death because some how my sister having terminal cancer was his fault, insults his family because he grew up on a farm instead of in a classy city like she did, his job wasn’t a real job because he was just a pencil pusher (a senior engineer for Chrysler) etc. So after years of tolerating these attacks, my dad is no longer very nice to her. I see that -he’s not abusive just does what he wants, doesn’t really care what she thinks, comes and goes as he pleases. She doesn’t drive more than a few blocks from home so she gets stuck at home when he leaves to go to the other house.

She complains about feeling trapped, how he controls her, criticizes her the list goes on -the things he says to her are nearly verbatim of what she said to me as a teenager. A small part of me thinks what comes around goes around, you reap what you sow -which makes me feel guilty because I don’t want my mother to be miserable. She’s nearly 80 now, she lives with so much regret, so much unhappiness and the thing is she’ll probably die that way.

You can’t give her any kind of advice, she just wants marriage counselors to “fix” my dad -as in make him do what she wants, she embraces the martyr role -no one has suffered as much as she has etc. Anytime I try to give her encouragement as far as options to improve she says she’s too old if she was younger it would be different. She misses her family and the"good life" they lead. She’s so into material things as is most of her family. I got to hear how she thought she’d end up in a mansion by marrying an engineer. Instead of “this” as she looks around in distain. “This” is a nice 3 bedroom ranch, in a good neighborhood.

I live in a mobile home and my husband works a factory job and doesn’t make a quarter of what my dad made before he retired. I could care less about material things and I’m proud of my husband.

Sometimes I just so frustrated with my mother because she can’t see the good around her. I repeated about sixteen times today “The only person you can change is yourself.” I get the “wait until your my age”, “you can’t understand, you haven’t suffered like I have” etc.

So anyway, that was my lovely evening. I don’t expect anything to change. I pray for my mom (and dad), there’s always hope ofcourse. There’s still that tiny part of me that remembers the countless days I spent locked in the bathroon sobbing because of her cruelty- feeling alone, trapped and unloved and I that tiny part sees some justice in her circumstances. That ofcourse makes me feel guilty. It is what it is I guess.

sighs

Been there, done that, printed the T-shirt.

All I can offer is :hug3:

 

[Arlene]

The thing about never really wanting advice -absolutely true.
Before my dad got the second house she went through this episode where she ranted about needing to get away from him, wanting her own condo. Everytime I saw her for weeks she went on and on about having her own condo and needing to be alone and have peace.

Finally after listening to it for the 100th time I offered to help her look for a place. Well she flipped. “What you expect me to live alone at my age!!” She went on and on -ripping my head off for expecting her to be able survive on her own.

Please, please, please don’t get mad if I tell you I laughted out loud about that. Don’cha just want to bang your head against the wall? I’m sure it wasn’t funny at the time…

I know you’ve gotten a lot of advice about disengaging, but you seem to have a good handle on how not to get sucked in. Just think of all the Brownie points you are accumulating for Heaven. Instead of doing corporal works of mercy for stangers, you are doing them for your own mother.

When things get bad, offer up your frustration and irritation for the souls in purgatory. You are a good daughter. You are doing everything that she will allow you to do.

 

[rayne89]

Ok -new vent.

I went to my mom’s tonight. I called to see if she wanted to come to church with us (dd and I) and she asked if we could come by a little earlier because she couldn’t figure out how to play this new disk she has on their computer. I really didn’t feel like it but we went early anyway. She putzed around forever, talking about inconsequential things -then at 7:30 she pulls out all this paperwork on the new meds from her doctor she wants me to look at.(We go to a late Mass that starts at 8:30.)

I started looking it over but I mentioned it was 7:30 and we were going to have to get ready for church soon. She got all annoyed and said “you’re always rushing me”. I said I’m not rushing you I’m just making you aware now so you can get ready so we don’t have to rush. Then she said the way I talk makes her nervous. She says I should talk like her -nice and calm. My mother is one of the most uncalm people I know. I actually was calm at the time. Anyway my dad just gets home and she starts talking to him and I’m watching the clock and starting to feel up tight.

I asked her if she still wanted me to show her how to play the disk on the computer and she says yes but first read the papers I gave you. So I (calmly) suggested she go get ready while I read the papers and then I can show her how to play the disk. She says “No, I want you to show me first.” But I thought you wanted me to read this? “Yes, after that you can show me.” So why don’t you go get ready? “All I have to do is change my pants and get my coat.” Ok why don’t you do that? “I want to show you the disk first.” By this time I’m gritting my teeth so as not to completely loose it. “Mom, I’m trying to make it so we don’t have to rush.”

She goes and gets the disk, then she says she going to the bathroom first. I finish reading and then get on her computer. Something was wrong with the disk and it doesn’t work. She comes back and starts asking about it and I tell her it doesn’t work. She starts going on and on about she doesn’t know why my dad got this computer she can’t play anything on it etc. I look at her and she is still not dressed. Mom, you’re not dressed.“I was in the bathroom.” Why don’t you go get dressed? “I just have to change my pants and put on my coat” Mom I really don’t like walking into church late.

She complains some more about the computer and I try to explain it’s not the computer it’s the disk. It’s now 7:55 and we are supposed to be leaving in 5 minutes. I shut off the computer and tell dd to get her stuff together because we need to get ready to go. My mom finally goes and gets ready. She comes out and starts telling me to take the squash home with me on the counter. Mom, we need to go. She disappears into the bedroom and comes back. She says “I don’t think I’m going to church. (It’s now 8:05) I’m too nervous, my blood pressure and my blood sugar are too high.”

Are you sure you don’t want to come? “I don’t know, my blood pressure is too high.” Well if you’re not coming we need to go because it’s getting late. My dad tries talking her into going and then she decides maybe she’ll feel better if she goes. Now she can’t find the coat she wants to wear. :banghead:

My dad suggests I go start the car. So what time do we actually pull out of the driveway? 8:13 and Mass starts at 8:30 (the church is 8 Miles away). I’m feeling very tense by this time and I have an unbelievable headache (from gritting my teeth).

I spent all of Mass praying for patience and apologizing (to God) for being distracted by my irratation. This sounds awful but after Mass I couldn’t get back to her house fast enough to get her out of my car. Just her being in the car was making me tense. I felt like an awful person, I felt like the Mass that I usually love and find so much consolation in was ruined by my attitude but I just wanted her away from me. My head hurt so bad and I felt so tense.

So there’s my new vent. Hubby’s working until 4am this morning so I can’t talk his ear off. Thanks for listening.

 

[dulcissima]

It’s really not surprising that you would feel like that,. Your mom did practically all that she could do to make you feel tense and powerless. It’s all a little control game for your mom, and from what I understand, people with serious control issues have such a compulsion because they have no control over themselves. Controlling you in such a nonsensical way really is a poor substitue for having control over herself.

I really don’t have a ton of advice other than not giving her very much control over you. I think you probably already do that for the most part though. Reading your thread though reminded me of something from Josemaria Escriva. It goes something like: “Don’t think that person bothers me. Think that person sanctifies me.”

 

[katerisouthern]

With the highest respect I tell you that I believe you are becoming a saint!!! You really are an inspiration and when she has gone back to God just think of the capacity you will have to do other great things. God sees the sacrifice you are making for your mother. You are doing wonderful wonderful things. I wish there were more people like you in this world, and I aspire to be more like you in my own dealings with difficult family members. Thank you so much for sharing your experience because by just sharing it with the forum you help others who are going through the same things.

 

[deb1]

rayne are you sure that we aren’t related? Maybe my mom was moonlighting as your mom?

Six months before my mother’s death I had to close off relations with her. She began to turn the same sort of bitter, meaness against my children that she had used on me. I had to protect my kids.

I believe that my mother had either borderline or narcissitic personality disorder. She was never diagnosed because she could be so charming that no one believed how absolutely crazy she was!

You are correct. You can not use the same methods of reasoning with such people that you use with others.

Here is an example of my mother’s craziness and this is more funny then most of the pain that she caused me.

One year my mother sent me a very nice pair of suede gloves. She asked me how I liked them and I told her that I was happy with them. Then she proceeded to tell me how cold her hands were because she had sent me her own gloves. I grew upset and offered to send her the gloves back but she refused to take them back. So, I offered to buy her more gloves, but she said that the only gloves that she ever wanted(and she had always wanted a pair) was that particular pair of suede gloves. When I became adament about returning them to her, she began to cry and tell me what a cruel daughter that I was. For YEARS, she would remind me how she loved me so much that she gave me her only pair of gloves.:banghead: She didn’t seem capable of being loving without creating a guilt trip or drawing attention to her sacrifices.

I finally came to the conclusion that nothing I did would make her think that I was a good daughter.

 

[deb1]

Rayne, your post on your mom and the mass reminds me of an argument that I had with my mom. My mom liked to push me into getting angry with her and then admonish me for being mean. I decided that I wasn’t going to play that game with her and would remain calm no matter what.

It is almost impossible not to let such a person bother you because that is their whole intent.

I went for a walk with my mom and we saw a dandilion. SHe informed me that NC, where we are both from, does not have dandilions. Of course, not knowing that she was setting me up, I laughed and said that NC had lots of dandilions. I wasn’t trying to be mean, I thought that she was teasing me.

She began to cry and accuse me of being disrespectful. So, trying to diffuse the situation I told her that she might be correct maybe NC didn’t have dandilions. Then she became upset and accused me of pacifying her.

By the time that we reached the house, she was crying and informing me that I was ‘cold’-her favorite term for me.

I refused to argue back and for two or three days she tried to get me to argue. She cried, threw fits and yelled. Finally, I lost my temper and asked her why the heck she was acting so stupid over a flower.

Very calmly she looked at me and asked me why I was loosing my temper. Then she lectured me on my temper, which she claimed had always been bad.

You have my sympathy for dealing with a similar person.

 

[KCT]

I’m in the middle of reading a book titled *How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed Living and Coping with Depression Fallout *by Anne Sheffield.

Interesting reading. —KCT

 

[KCT]

I went for a walk with my mom and we saw a dandilion. SHe informed me that NC, where we are both from, does not have dandilions.

What would happen if you had said, “That’s interesting” and left it at that? I know a few people who I just don’t even bother disagreeing with anymore. I say things like, “That’s interesting” or “I wasn’t aware of that” or “Who knew?”.

It just isn’t worth anything more that than, IMO. —KCT

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

rayne are you sure that we aren’t related? Maybe my mom was moonlighting as your mom?

Six months before my mother’s death I had to close off relations with her. She began to turn the same sort of bitter, meaness against my children that she had used on me. I had to protect my kids.

I believe that my mother had either borderline or narcissitic personality disorder. She was never diagnosed because she could be so charming that no one believed how absolutely crazy she was!

You are correct. You can not use the same methods of reasoning with such people that you use with others.

Here is an example of my mother’s craziness and this is more funny then most of the pain that she caused me.

One year my mother sent me a very nice pair of suede gloves. She asked me how I liked them and I told her that I was happy with them. Then she proceeded to tell me how cold her hands were because she had sent me her own gloves. I grew upset and offered to send her the gloves back but she refused to take them back. So, I offered to buy her more gloves, but she said that the only gloves that she ever wanted(and she had always wanted a pair) was that particular pair of suede gloves. When I became adament about returning them to her, she began to cry and tell me what a cruel daughter that I was. For YEARS, she would remind me how she loved me so much that she gave me her only pair of gloves.:banghead: She didn’t seem capable of being loving without creating a guilt trip or drawing attention to her sacrifices.

I finally came to the conclusion that nothing I did would make her think that I was a good daughter.

I see they minted more than one of those mothers.

Oh my.

 

[deb1]

What would happen if you had said, “That’s interesting” and left it at that? I know a few people who I just don’t even bother disagreeing with anymore. I say things like, “That’s interesting” or “I wasn’t aware of that” or “Who knew?”.

It just isn’t worth anything more that than, IMO. —KCT

I didn’t know that she was attempting to start an argument at that moment. Generally, when she was ready to argue there wasn’t much I could do to stop her.

She knew that NC had dandilions and what is more, she knew that I knew.(If that made sense ) Sadly, she would have accused me of patronizing her and started arguing over that. You have to understand, my mother WANTED to argue. I have no idea why.

There were several times that I would try and pacify her by agreeing, when she would suddenly take the opposite opinion. My mother would have responded to your "That’s interesting’ comment with, “You find that interesting? What is wrong with you? That is boring.”

To be honest, her death a year ago lifted a tremendous burden off my shoulders. As the oldest, I felt responsible for her but she went out of the way to make everyone around her miserable. It isn’t that I didn’t love her, but she had a very twisted personality. This is even more horrible, but I wish that I had cut myself off from her years before. It would have saved me much mental pain.

A comedian that I like a lot is Christopher Titus. Some of his life sounds amazingly like mine. I wonder if the OP has heard of him? The only way to deal with such a messed up childhood is to laugh at it.