A Woman Writes: How Having a Baby Demolished My Marriage

[mdgspencer]

…And did something else besides
see acoupleofcatholics.com/blog/2015/02/23/having-a-baby-ruined-my-marriage

 

[Xantippe]

From that piece:

“Now that our little girl has come along I think we’ve been on one, maybe two dates without her.”

C’mon kids, you can leave the house together without your baby!

 

[Cat]

I’m not sure that everyone will understand that the author is using hyperbole and a little sarcasm. I think that some readers will believe that having children really does destroy all romance. That’s too bad that the author is not clearer in her intent.

And I agree with Xantippe–any couple, even if mom is nursing, should regularly get away from baby, even if it’s only for a half-hour to have an ice cream at McDonald’s. And they should make the rule that they aren’t allowed to talk about baby while they are alone together.

f no parents or other relatives or trusted adult friends are around to watch baby, then they need to get over their imaginary fears and find a retinue of reliable teenaged babysitters. We always found that teens are much more diligent in offering excellent care than adults. Adults know that the baby won’t die if he/she is ignored for a few minutes, but teenagers will not leave that baby alone for even a second!

I know several couples who are terrified to leave their baby with a sitter in the evening, but they blithely drop the baby off at daycare and leave them there for 8-10 hours, believing naively that these people are only “watching” their baby while at the same time, providing tender loving care. I don’t get it. If you can leave your child in the care of daycare providers in a huge building full of other babies, then you can leave you baby with a qualified, experienced teenaged sitter. I just don’t get these fears.

 

[underacloud]

I’m not sure that everyone will understand that the author is using hyperbole and a little sarcasm. I think that some readers will believe that having children really does destroy all romance. That’s too bad that the author is not clearer in her intent.

I agree. I think she was a little too “clever” in how she wrote this piece. The point may be lost on many readers.

And even if they get the point, I think there is still an underlying resentment that runs through it.

And I agree with Xantippe–any couple, even if mom is nursing, should regularly get away from baby, even if it’s only for a half-hour to have an ice cream at McDonald’s. And they should make the rule that they aren’t allowed to talk about baby while they are alone together.

Yes. Too often we hear of couples who fail to prioritise their own relationship, and then wonder why it has suffered. Babies need a lot of love and care, but they also need to be raised in a family with a solid foundation - and that foundation is the love of the parents for each other.

 

[Jeanne_S]

Initially,I was prepared to be annoyed by this woman’s self entered attitude.However,as I read in,I realized she was really just verbalizing the mixed emotions all parent’s experience re their children.It can be a love/ annoying/exhausting/ overwhelming experience from day to day. It was reality!

 

[pianistclare]

I’m not sure that everyone will understand that the author is using hyperbole and a little sarcasm. I think that some readers will believe that having children really does destroy all romance. That’s too bad that the author is not clearer in her intent.

And I agree with Xantippe–any couple, even if mom is nursing, should regularly get away from baby, even if it’s only for a half-hour to have an ice cream at McDonald’s. And they should make the rule that they aren’t allowed to talk about baby while they are alone together.

f no parents or other relatives or trusted adult friends are around to watch baby, then they need to get over their imaginary fears and find a retinue of reliable teenaged babysitters. We always found that teens are much more diligent in offering excellent care than adults. Adults know that the baby won’t die if he/she is ignored for a few minutes, but teenagers will not leave that baby alone for even a second!

I know several couples who are terrified to leave their baby with a sitter in the evening, but they blithely drop the baby off at daycare and leave them there for 8-10 hours, believing naively that these people are only “watching” their baby while at the same time, providing tender loving care. I don’t get it. If you can leave your child in the care of daycare providers in a huge building full of other babies, then you can leave you baby with a qualified, experienced teenaged sitter. I just don’t get these fears.

Hey Cat, I think part of it is that people can justify leaving a child all day in daycare because they feel like they need 2 incomes. But when they know they haven’t spent a lot of time with the kids, then they feel horrible about going out at night.
As a person who watched other people’s babies and toddlers for years, I can tell you that those kids who are never left with sitters are awful to watch. They spend the entire time screaming, which just feeds this notion that they can’t function without their parents around. It goes around like a circle. kids start to feel like you’ll be gone for hours, because you generally are. So they scream and cling, and the parents feel trapped.
I recommend small outings, and return when you say you will. Parents who know they will be gone for 8 hours and say to the child “I’ll be right back” just create their own problems. You end up with a cling child that doesn’t trust you. For good reason. You’re a liar.
I used to tell my girls “mama will be back in 3 Barney’s!” They could wrap their little heads around that, and I was never late coming home. They were delighted. I could always go to the restroom alone, take out the trash and have them watch me from the window, etc.
Never a problem for me, nor any sitter. Always got a good report.

 

[Jeanne_S]

Hey Cat, I think part of it is that people can justify leaving a child all day in daycare because they feel like they need 2 incomes. But when they know they haven’t spent a lot of time with the kids, then they feel horrible about going out at night.
As a person who watched other people’s babies and toddlers for years, I can tell you that those kids who are never left with sitters are awful to watch. They spend the entire time screaming, which just feeds this notion that they can’t function without their parents around. It goes around like a circle. kids start to feel like you’ll be gone for hours, because you generally are. So they scream and cling, and the parents feel trapped.
I recommend small outings, and return when you say you will. Parents who know they will be gone for 8 hours and say to the child “I’ll be right back” just create their own problems. You end up with a cling child that doesn’t trust you. For good reason. You’re a liar.
I used to tell my girls “mama will be back in 3 Barney’s!” They could wrap their little heads around that, and I was never late coming home. They were delighted. I could always go to the restroom alone, take out the trash and have them watch me from the window, etc.
Never a problem for me, nor any sitter. Always got a good report.

Good points.I have definitely noticed the difference in the way my daughter’s parent as opposed to my techniques.
My youngest daughter has a now adorable,precocious 14 month old.I watch him two days a week.i love him dearly,however,I don’t get anything done on those two days and my daughter as you mentioned,can’t even pee without him hanging on her.
She just emailed me asking how it is I managed to get thing done when she and her sisters were little.I told her,for one thing you all napped for a few hours every afternoon AND I had a playpen! that is almost a blasphemous statement to today’s Moms’

 

[pianistclare]

Good points.I have definitely noticed the difference in the way my daughter’s parent as opposed to my techniques.
My youngest daughter has a now adorable,precocious 14 month old.I watch him two days a week.i love him dearly,however,I don’t get anything done on those two days and my daughter as you mentioned,can’t even pee without him hanging on her.
She just emailed me asking how it is I managed to get thing done when she and her sisters were little.I told her,for one thing you all napped for a few hours every afternoon AND I had a playpen! that is almost a blasphemous statement to today’s Moms’

HA! Yes! I’d caution her to not overdo it on the naps though,…I had friends who insisted on 2 long naps daily (so they could get some things done) and then complained bitterly that the children wouldn’t sleep through the night. My girls nearly begged me to let them go to bed at 7 PM daily…we played hard…went places…daily Mass, you name it!
I wore them plum out! HA!

 

[pensmama87]

We are fortunate to have my husband’s parents nearby (except for the few months a year where they go south) and they are fantastic with the kids. For those months they are away, I swap babysitting with a mom friend. That has proved to be great for the budget and for my peace of mind.

I also think that I made a novice mistake with my first in thinking that it was a huge ordeal to go anywhere with him. It’s easy to bring a child anywhere with you until they decide they have their own agenda besides “let’s snuggle with Mom, eat, and sleep,” which for mine has been around the 6 month mark. It’s much harder to take toddlers and preschoolers places - but by then they’re usually thrilled if they get to spend an afternoon or overnight with grandma and grandpa.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Yes, the whirlwind romancing of tuba’s, hiking. Rollerblading, coin collecting, ect have died. I am accepting this transition but realizing another pattern emerging.

You see, I have died, and I am being recreated. I no longer have the luxury of volunteering for choir, catechism teaching, alter and rosary, rollerblading, hiking, political involvement, adult programs (Grey’s Anatomy), movies, cleaning, music, and so much more. These things I have given up through the necessity of my new parameters that I’m discovering through trial and error.

My recreation in a role of motherhood is utilizing my talents of repetition, showing me how little patience I really have, and prioritizing what is important in my brain. Repetition is working well with teaching numbers, alphabet, songs, TV (not the Disney I love, but Disney JR), songs (again, not classical/techno/opera/hill billy ecclectic stuff), and the endless repetition of getting the house ready for the next use (laundry, feeding, cleaning, pick-up), and reading books to memorization. My talents as a dramatic actress have also switched to “G” drama like “three little pigs”. Before children I wAs always complemented on how patient I was ----ha-ha-ha ---- I have been humbled and confess, I have no patience. It must have been that my patience was never truly tested before. I used to feel smart, educated, and able to problem solve. Turns out that my brain has very little room for the latest theology of xxx because I’ve filled by brain with information like: pink sock on stairs & matching sock mAde it to the hamper … Baby Bonnie is in the car … Monkey Reagan is in trunk … One child gets 4 oz milk and the other needs 6oz milk … Gotta move scissors husband left out ASAP … & stuff like that.

Guess what? I am woman.
What does that mean? Well, I conclude that it means that God has created me, recreated me, is going to recreate me several times before old age and death. Yes, I am not the same as I was when I was a baby. I am not the same as I was when I was a little girl. I am very different from when I was a teenager. My fathers death opened me for a huge transformation. My reversion purified me. Having babies changed me. I’m sure menopause will change me dramatically. This is the mysterious state of being a woman. We are perpetually changing.

Men, however, change at a much slower rate with less outwardly disruption to their personality. Yes, self-giving, fatherhood, old age penetrate the mens beings but it is typically a constant slow movement.

Is this why God has the man protect the woman? His slow changing nature allows him to create a safe place for a woman to enter her different stAges of womenhood?

 

[Cat]

Hey Cat, I think part of it is that people can justify leaving a child all day in daycare because they feel like they need 2 incomes. But when they know they haven’t spent a lot of time with the kids, then they feel horrible about going out at night.
As a person who watched other people’s babies and toddlers for years, I can tell you that those kids who are never left with sitters are awful to watch. They spend the entire time screaming, which just feeds this notion that they can’t function without their parents around. It goes around like a circle. kids start to feel like you’ll be gone for hours, because you generally are. So they scream and cling, and the parents feel trapped.
I recommend small outings, and return when you say you will. Parents who know they will be gone for 8 hours and say to the child “I’ll be right back” just create their own problems. You end up with a cling child that doesn’t trust you. For good reason. You’re a liar.
I used to tell my girls “mama will be back in 3 Barney’s!” They could wrap their little heads around that, and I was never late coming home. They were delighted. I could always go to the restroom alone, take out the trash and have them watch me from the window, etc.
Never a problem for me, nor any sitter. Always got a good report.

Good post. I agree, although I do think that most children go through a “clingy” stage where they will scream for Mom. However, if Mom will just walk away and not look back, with no fussing or sweet-talking or “goodies,” then the child usually forgets all about Mom once she isn’t in sight anymore.

 

[Cat]

Good points.I have definitely noticed the difference in the way my daughter’s parent as opposed to my techniques.
My youngest daughter has a now adorable,precocious 14 month old.I watch him two days a week.i love him dearly,however,I don’t get anything done on those two days and my daughter as you mentioned,can’t even pee without him hanging on her.
She just emailed me asking how it is I managed to get thing done when she and her sisters were little.I told her,for one thing you all napped for a few hours every afternoon AND I had a playpen! that is almost a blasphemous statement to today’s Moms’

What I’ve heard many Moms on CAF say is that if a Mommy will simply go with the flow and allow her baby/toddler to cling to her (or wear them next to her body constantly), that the child will grow out of the “clinginess” and be even more secure than the child who isn’t cuddled constantly.

I don’t really agree with that. I think that all children are different, and some just have a harder time transitioning from one person or activity to the next, and generally keep that personality trait throughout their life, even into the adult years.

I have one kid that flits from event to even and person to person, and another that dreads any change. (They’re both adults now.)

 

[Xantippe]

I agree. I think she was a little too “clever” in how she wrote this piece. The point may be lost on many readers.

And even if they get the point, I think there is still an underlying resentment that runs through it.

Yes. Too often we hear of couples who fail to prioritise their own relationship, and then wonder why it has suffered. Babies need a lot of love and care, but they also need to be raised in a family with a solid foundation - and that foundation is the love of the parents for each other.

Right.

9 times out of 10, baby is asleep and doesn’t even know that you’re gone.

I personally loved our college sitters when our oldest two were little–very bright and very conscientious.

 

[Xantippe]

As a person who watched other people’s babies and toddlers for years, I can tell you that those kids who are never left with sitters are awful to watch. They spend the entire time screaming, which just feeds this notion that they can’t function without their parents around. It goes around like a circle. kids start to feel like you’ll be gone for hours, because you generally are. So they scream and cling, and the parents feel trapped.
I recommend small outings, and return when you say you will. Parents who know they will be gone for 8 hours and say to the child “I’ll be right back” just create their own problems. You end up with a cling child that doesn’t trust you. For good reason. You’re a liar.
I used to tell my girls “mama will be back in 3 Barney’s!” They could wrap their little heads around that, and I was never late coming home. They were delighted. I could always go to the restroom alone, take out the trash and have them watch me from the window, etc.
Never a problem for me, nor any sitter. Always got a good report.

Very funny!

We didn’t do sitters with our oldest until she was probably around 14 months old, which turned out to be just about the worst time possible to introduce a sitter. She eventually warmed up to them, though. Baby brother was around sitters from his earliest babyhood, and he never had big sister’s suspicion.

 

[Xantippe]

HA! Yes! I’d caution her to not overdo it on the naps though,…I had friends who insisted on 2 long naps daily (so they could get some things done) and then complained bitterly that the children wouldn’t sleep through the night. My girls nearly begged me to let them go to bed at 7 PM daily…we played hard…went places…daily Mass, you name it!
I wore them plum out! HA!

There are perks to losing the nap.

It was a bummer when my middle child gave up his nap as a preschooler, but we soon realized that a 6:30 PM (yes–really, 6:30 PM) bedtime was actually great for many grownup purposes.

 

[Jeanne_S]

What I’ve heard many Moms on CAF say is that if a Mommy will simply go with the flow and allow her baby/toddler to cling to her (or wear them next to her body constantly), that the child will grow out of the “clinginess” and be even more secure than the child who isn’t cuddled constantly.

I don’t really agree with that. I think that all children are different, and some just have a harder time transitioning from one person or activity to the next, and generally keep that personality trait throughout their life, even into the adult years.

I have one kid that flits from event to even and person to person, and another that dreads any change. (They’re both adults now.)

This is true,each child is different,Based on what I have observed re the parenting styles of my daughters,It seems as though parenting infants and toddlers is a far bigger production that I remember it being.
They both have done co sleeping,which,while it may be the easier route initially,I have seen bigger issues later in.My 14month old grandson has always required a lot of cajoling,just to get him to nap for an hour.He still doesn’t sleep the whole night through in his crib,always ends up with mommy and daddy.
Now I have a third daughter expecting her first baby in Aug.,it will be interesting to see if she follows suit or chooses a more traditional,structured path.I am guessing the latter.

 

[Xantippe]

Good post. I agree, although I do think that most children go through a “clingy” stage where they will scream for Mom. However, if Mom will just walk away and not look back, with no fussing or sweet-talking or “goodies,” then the child usually forgets all about Mom once she isn’t in sight anymore.

Right.

Observation affects the phenomenon.

(Although I did once work preschool co-op the first day of term when one of the kids cried for an hour or two until he fell asleep. But that was just the one kid out of about 16-18.)

 

[Arizona_Fat_Gir]

I know oaf a young mother who worked all day in a factory. Fortunately her mother was there to watch her little girl.

This young mother did not feel she had to stay home with her kid. She would plunk the kid on the front room rug and get her “box of junk”. Then she would sneak out and leave the baby with her mother. Of course, the child wanted to go with Mama, but she got over it.

 

[Faxero]

post #10

:yup: A credible observation. The Vatican’s official documents regarding marriage does capitalize on how marriage and children transform selfish persons into selfless persons, how it broadens the perspective of individuals.

Thank you for sharing your mystifying experience.