AA messing with spouse's head

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Okay, Here goes. I’m not the most pious catholic here, thats for sure. But I am a catholic and I believe everthing she (the Church) teaches. I guess I have a luke warm relationship with the Lord. Been kinda angry with whats been going on in my life latly too. Went to confession last week and now am enrolled in a new parish in a new neighborhood.
Heres why. On 9-11-01 my wife was fired from her job due to addiction problems. She was hooked on pain killers and pot. With her out of work I told her she must stop using pot and she ageed. She was having a hard time with it and seek help from her cousin, a active member of AA. Because of her program she wouldnt go back to work because staying sober was the most important thing for her to do. I agreed with her. I wanted her well.
I learned that I’m a “normie” meaning I would choose not to get high and just forget that I had just opened a beer. I find this just absolutly amazing because of the few AA meeting I attened with my wife if your Irish and a Catholic you are more then likly an addict of some sorts. A speaker would only have to say Irish and catholic in one sentence and the crowd would all know what that ment.
 
So anyway. Its been three years now since my wife has been involved in AA’ism. Here is what has changed since she joined.
  1. She still loves me but she isn’t in love with me anymore. (Married in 1983)
  2. No longer likes what the church teaches or stands for.
  3. (this one is really bad and just threw me for a loop!) She’s now, didn’t use to be, “Pro-Choice”! As a matter of fact she helped a young married lady get an abortion and the husband has no idea she was even going to have a baby.
  4. Joking about Gay issues is not allowed anymore. “Some of my best friends…”.
    Here is what she says is important in her life in order of importance.
    1st- AA
    2nd-Herself
    3rd-Family
    And if thers any hope to remain married to her I must allow her to do what she has to do to remain sober and start attending Al-anon and start the 12 step program myself.
    I honestly believe AA has became a New Age religion and that my wife has changed because of it. Thank God the Al-anon meeting are at a Evangilcal church and prompted me to get back home with you all.( Looks like a Catholic church except no pictures of the Pope.)
    What do you guys think? I’m leaning on seperation myself. She isn’t the same girl I married.
    Anyone else have this happen to them?
 
My boyfriend and I go to NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meetings. I go with him for the support and to see our friends, I am what you’d call a “normie” too. I would not place the blame on the program, but more on the people who go to the meetings. AA or NA do not identify with political, religious, or any kind of affiliation. Their only goal is to get members clean, and to make sure they stay clean. They do not get any sort of funding, and they mostly rely on donations from the members. Just listen to the literature they read in the beginning. Ergo, it is not fair or accurate to catagorize them as a “new age” religion. At the end of meetings they all say the serenity prayer and their mission statement. Whatever goes on outside of meetings would just be people socializing.
 
I am so sorry for you. I suggest contacting your parish office and asking to speak to a priest who specializes in marriage issues. I agree with the previous poster that it’s most likely not the program, but the people with whom she has been socializing. It is amazing how much of an influence one’s friends can have. Please consider counseling before separating. Do you have any children?
 
A friend of mine is going through AA right now. If anything, it’s helping her become closer to God and more dependent on Him. She told me that AA expects you to believe in a higher power, whatever that is for each individual there, and get on your knees and pray first thing in the morning and last thing at night. As a Catholic she of course believes in God within the Holy Trinity and she’s found AA to be very compatible with her faith. I’ve also heard Father Benedict Groeschel (renowned priest and psychologist) say that 12 step programs are the only ones that really work. So I don’t think it would be fair to attribute what’s going on with your wife to AA. Have you been praying for her or tried gently confronting her? Maybe try a Marriage Encounter weekend to help her remember the vows she took with you were sacred and to remind her of her love for you? It does sound like she needs to be around some friends who are better influences and might inspire her to deeper love of God. I’m sure there are no easy answers.
 
Dear Dang,

As a recovering alcoholic myself, I can see a few issues in your letter that should be addressed. If your wife was addicted to pot and pills, she really should be attending NA, not AA. The steps are the same but the problems which need to be addressed are different. AA is fine for a drug addict if there is no other place to go, but she should go to NA.

Many people think that just because the alcoholic or addict gets sober and/or clean that all the other problems in the marriage will go away and that just does not happen. I have seen many marriages and families saved once people begin recovery and I have seen many continue to deteriorate because the addiciton was one of a series of problems in the marriage, not the cause.

She does have her sequence of what is important in her life confused. Most recovering alcoholics will put God at the top of the list because they know it was not AA that got them sober, but God or a Higher Power. Read the 12 steps and you will see exactly that. She needs to have a sponser in NA that is living a clean/sober successful recovery with more time in NA than she does in order to keep her straight.

AA is not a new age religion, but there are meetings that are more successfull and growing and help their members and there are meetings that are actually full of sick people who just get sicker. Look around that the amount of clean sober people who have many years of recovery (Over 10 years). That is a clue to a good group.
 
Has your wife gone to confession? Were you married as Catholics?

I wonder if the two of you can be drawn together by praying together and learning about the Church together and maybe get into a group at your parish with her, so that she spends more time around other people. She would have other friends besides the ones in AA competing for her time.

Perhaps let her know that you agree that she is first, but it is her eternal life that should be first with her and you and worked toward saving it. Is there anyway that she’d consider getting involved in an RCIA group?

Just a thought.
 
Oh, and if you have a drinking problem, then I’d suggest going with her to AA. This will possibly keep her with you more and she can get involved with helping you and maybe less time with the bad influence. Maybe even choose another AA group. Is this possible? Could you ask her to go to a different AA group with you?

If you do have a drinking problem, I am sure that you don’t want to go to AA, but I wouldn’t give up a marriage over drinking. It sounds like maybe you don’t want to stop drinking and you think she is forcing you to do it, so you are considering getting out of the marriage. Myself, I don’t think drinking is worth sacrificing your marriage, so why not go to AA and try to quit drinking. You’ll have to find new ways to enjoy your time with her. You are starting a new life with your wife and I do hope the two of you include the Church. Get into RCIA together and AA together and pray together. CAn this be a possible answer? By letting her go and continuing to drink, it may set you up for trouble later. It may put you on the wrong path when you realize that you chose beer over your wife, if that is the case. Something to think about.
 
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Dang:
So anyway. Its been three years now since my wife has been involved in AA’ism. Here is what has changed since she joined.
  1. She still loves me but she isn’t in love with me anymore. (Married in 1983)
  2. No longer likes what the church teaches or stands for.
  3. (this one is really bad and just threw me for a loop!) She’s now, didn’t use to be, “Pro-Choice”! As a matter of fact she helped a young married lady get an abortion and the husband has no idea she was even going to have a baby.
  4. Joking about Gay issues is not allowed anymore. “Some of my best friends…”.
    Here is what she says is important in her life in order of importance.
    1st- AA
    2nd-Herself
    3rd-Family
    And if thers any hope to remain married to her I must allow her to do what she has to do to remain sober and start attending Al-anon and start the 12 step program myself.
    I honestly believe AA has became a New Age religion and that my wife has changed because of it. Thank God the Al-anon meeting are at a Evangilcal church and prompted me to get back home with you all.( Looks like a Catholic church except no pictures of the Pope.)
    What do you guys think? I’m leaning on seperation myself. She isn’t the same girl I married.
    Anyone else have this happen to them?
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Dang! (My emphasis, in response to your problem…)
Her group is severely messed up. Point out to her that one of the founders of AA was a Catholic nun and that the original “round tuit” they used to give out was a Catholic medal. Stand your ground and tell her that she needs to stop listening to these people. It all sounds like a pile of excuses to me & I’d just call her on it. She’s certainly not walking through the 12 steps and it sounds like she’s being manipulated. I also suggest that you attend a few meetings w/her just to see what’s really going on.
Like a great many “Faith Based Programs” that are run by various religious groups (MOSTLY evangelical and fundamentalist churches.) they are thinly disguised springboards for their evangelism and they are often aggressively anti-Catholic, if not “officially” then in de facto practice, by virtue of the way their people deal with Catholics. If I was there I would politely put up my hand and say “Hi I’m Mike and I’m not an addict” then proceed to tell them that you would appreciate it if they’d stick to the 12 steps and get up off the bigotry against Irish Catholics they have repeatedly expressed. You might also point out that to the best of your knowlege none of the gods (regardless of how they are perceived) you have heard of condone such behavior. You can Pm or e-mail me if you’d like to since I’ve got some other insights that might help out as well.

Lastly, I suggest that you begin a serious program of prayer and penance offered up for your wife (whom I can tell you really love). One of the most effective prayers is the Rosary and I also highly recommend the Divine Mercy Chaplet and novenas to Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal (Hey…ya sound like ya need a miracle,okay?) and to St.Terese The Little Flower and St. Jude. Skipping lunch or breakfast and offering up that bit of hunger for your wife and your marriage is also a powerful weapon against the devil. Face it my friend, this is a spiritual warfare above all else.

Separation is a option that may pay off 😦 though it will be hard.
 
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WhatIf:
Oh, and if you have a drinking problem, then I’d suggest going with her to AA. This will possibly keep her with you more and she can get involved with helping you and maybe less time with the bad influence. Maybe even choose another AA group. Is this possible? Could you ask her to go to a different AA group with you?

If you do have a drinking problem, I am sure that you don’t want to go to AA, but I wouldn’t give up a marriage over drinking. It sounds like maybe you don’t want to stop drinking and you think she is forcing you to do it, so you are considering getting out of the marriage. Myself, I don’t think drinking is worth sacrificing your marriage, so why not go to AA and try to quit drinking. You’ll have to find new ways to enjoy your time with her. You are starting a new life with your wife and I do hope the two of you include the Church. Get into RCIA together and AA together and pray together. CAn this be a possible answer? By letting her go and continuing to drink, it may set you up for trouble later. It may put you on the wrong path when you realize that you chose beer over your wife, if that is the case. Something to think about.
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No. I don’t have a drinking problem. I can take it or leave it. Beer leaves a aftertaste that I could never get use to. And I can’t enjoy food and booze together at all. How anyone can wash down a cheeseburger with a gold beer I’ll never know. The last thing I want after a rough neighborhood game of football or a grueling bicycle race is a “cold one”. Not that I do any of those things.
I have often asked if she’d mind if I tagged along to one of her meetings but she justs says she doesn’t want me. “Go to Al-anon” You’ll like it." She didn’t even want me to go the thier dance.
 
Church Militant:
Dang! (My emphasis, in response to your problem…)

Lastly, I suggest that you begin a serious program of prayer and penance offered up for your wife (whom I can tell you really love). One of the most effective prayers is the Rosary and I also highly recommend the Divine Mercy Chaplet and novenas to Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal (Hey…ya sound like ya need a miracle,okay?) and to St.Terese The Little Flower and St. Jude. Skipping lunch or breakfast and offering up that bit of hunger for your wife and your marriage is also a powerful weapon against the devil. Face it my friend, this is a spiritual warfare above all else.

Separation is a option that may pay off 😦 though it will be hard.
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Yeah your right. That is about the only option I think i have right now. Oh, and I did go to a couple of Al-anon meetings. Just two so far. I’ll go to as many as I can handle but so far I just don’t feel like I’m “with” these people. It seems that when I read the materiial from Al-anon and AA its just spritual things that already excist in a different light in so many of my old prayer books.
I just started going back to Mass recently. maybe she’ll come with me when she sees Im serious.( I been feeling sorry for myself and blamed God for the all our problems. Just turned out to be another on of those classic “Foot Prints in the Sand” deal.)
 
You know…you might remind her that since you’re still married , that you feel it’s inappropriate for her to attend social functions w/o you even as she might if you and your buddies went out. Is she ashamed of her “friends”? Something just doesn’t ring true

P.S. Have you met her sponsor, or is this her sister?

here… :confused:
 
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Dang:
No. I don’t have a drinking problem. I can take it or leave it. Beer leaves a aftertaste that I could never get use to. And I can’t enjoy food and booze together at all. How anyone can wash down a cheeseburger with a gold beer I’ll never know. The last thing I want after a rough neighborhood game of football or a grueling bicycle race is a “cold one”. Not that I do any of those things.
I have often asked if she’d mind if I tagged along to one of her meetings but she justs says she doesn’t want me. “Go to Al-anon” You’ll like it." She didn’t even want me to go the thier dance.
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Maybe leave it for a few months then and it won’t be in the picture at all for you. She couldn’t say that because you refused to quit drinking, you weren’t putting her situation first and instead, you tempt her with drinking. I’m just thinking to eliminate as many things that may be masking the main problem. I think marriage should last forever if at all possible. I know there are exceptions. Keep prayer in your life along with confession and Mass.

Have a Merry Christmas, too.
 
Church Militant:
P.S. Have you met her sponsor, or is this her sister?

here… :confused:
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Yeah. I met her. Who do you think has been taking me to the Al-anon meetings. So silly. Naturally she’s also divorced.
 
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WhatIf:
Maybe leave it for a few months then and it won’t be in the picture at all for you. She couldn’t say that because you refused to quit drinking, you weren’t putting her situation first and instead, you tempt her with drinking. I’m just thinking to eliminate as many things that may be masking the main problem. I think marriage should last forever if at all possible. I know there are exceptions. Keep prayer in your life along with confession and Mass.

Have a Merry Christmas, too.
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Im in no hurry. I did what she wants. Even bought a book. One of those day-by-day readings. Doesn’t even come close to “my imitation of Christ” So the ball is in her court.
Merry Christmas to you too my friends. God Bless You.
 
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WhatIf:
Has your wife gone to confession? Were you married as Catholics?

I wonder if the two of you can be drawn together by praying together and learning about the Church together and maybe get into a group at your parish with her, so that she spends more time around other people. She would have other friends besides the ones in AA competing for her time.

Perhaps let her know that you agree that she is first, but it is her eternal life that should be first with her and you and worked toward saving it. Is there anyway that she’d consider getting involved in an RCIA group?

Just a thought.
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My wife had no religion up bringing. She is in fact a decentant of some of the original Mormons who migrated to Utah with Young. When I met her she had no idea Christ and Jesus were the same. She did attend a RCIA and was baptise four years after we were married. She did it to please me. The decon who taught har class was a believer of ufo’s as I remember.
This was after I learned that the Church was indeed the true Church. So naturally I was all “gung ho” about it. Perhaps I was a tad to pushy. She always had a problem with the Pope. And her mother, a very proud Jack-Mormon, is Anti-Catholic. “…if the Catholic Church would sell its fortunes, starvation would cease.” or…“you know? the catholic church owns United Airlines.”
So, it’s no surprise she feels this way.
 
As has already been mentioned here, AA groups vary widely – and wildly. My guess is that it’s not AA that’s the problem but some of her new friends.

I’ve been to Al-Anon, which is good for getting a handle on the drinking issues. That’s all the literature is about, too, it’s not supposed to replace good spiritual direction.

And I’ve got to tell you, I can’t imagine an AA social function from which spouses were excluded. That really strikes me as fishy.

And why is her SPONSOR taking you to Al-Anon? That’s weird, too. Why aren’t you taking yourself?
 
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LauraL:
As has already been mentioned here, AA groups vary widely – and wildly. My guess is that it’s not AA that’s the problem but some of her new friends.

I’ve been to Al-Anon, which is good for getting a handle on the drinking issues. That’s all the literature is about, too, it’s not supposed to replace good spiritual direction.

And I’ve got to tell you, I can’t imagine an AA social function from which spouses were excluded. That really strikes me as fishy.

And why is her SPONSOR taking you to Al-Anon? That’s weird, too. Why aren’t you taking yourself?
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Who knows why. But she won’t anymore. The whole thing is fishy if you ask me. I wonder why after three years I must do this? As for not able to go to meetings with her I suspect that shes placed on a pedestial for all to admire and love.
I have been researching AA and I see no problem with the program and steps. So I agree its her groupe that has changed her.
 
Dang,

I’ve been clean & sober in AA for 16 years, and all I can offer is my best guess based on that experience and what you’ve told us. My gut hunch is that your wife has probably told the group some things she doesn’t want you to find out about, and if you were to go to a meeting or a social function, someone might accidentally (or intentionally) spill the beans. If she’s going to such elaborate measures to keep her AA activities separate from the rest of her life, then I agree that there’s definitely something fishy here. Are you sure she isn’t still using?
 
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