Abandoned by friends: Right to feel aggrieved?

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Better get this thing off my chest.

I’ve never had a girlfriend, so my support group down the years has been my friends. And I’ve been blessed to have befriended some wonderful people. I’ve had some close female friends down the years. However, the ‘demise’ of some of those friendships still leaves me with unanswered questions.

One of these friendships was with my best friend in university. We were so different, age, religion, backgrounds, everything. However, we hit off straight away the first day we sat together in class. I had never met such a wonderful lady. A devout Muslim, she’d be disappointed if I’d tell her that I skipped mass. She taught me a lot of life lessons.

However, I knew she was quite flaky, a very poor communicator, and was always scared she’d stay silent forever after graduation. Well, my worst fears were realized.

In Jan 2012, a month after graduating, she surprised us that she was getting married. That was the beginning of the end. It was hard to get hold of her, and her tone was very, very different. Eventually, she tied the knot, and moved to my city where her husband is based. At least she’s nearby? Forget it.

Anyways, one day in April, I tracked down her workplace and met her. We chatted briefly (or you can say I whined a lot!) and she invited me to her home. So some other day in May I went with some other friends, and met the husband as well, who’s a really nice guy as well, perfect for my friend. Afterwards the husband and I exchanged contacts, hoping we’d stay in touch…

But it was a disappointment. The husband added me on Facebook, but would never reply to any of my posts. He also never replied to any tweets as well. As for my friend, after the visit we met for the last time a week later (she was desperately trying to shrug me off and batted away most questions), and I’ve never seen her since. Last time we communicated in any form was a brief facebook chat in Oct 2012. Didn’t want to send any more unanswered texts. Been too foolish and clingy for my own liking.

Come January 2013, and the husband posts that they’ve become parents for the first time. I was very happy for them, and said a prayer for them at church, as I did when she got married. I then wrote a message of congrats on that status update…Which was ignored, while other posters were replied to! Even more disappointing was that she couldn’t personally contact me in any way to say that she’s become a mother. It pretty much confirmed that I am past tense now.

Thank God I finally landed myself a job later that month and I’ve formed some wonderful new friendships. Yesterday marked a year since I started working. However, I still think of her everyday. Leona Lewis sums it all up when she says, “and I miss you everyday, but there’s nothing left to say”. I still bear some resentment for being swept aside like I never existed. I deleted the husband’s phone number recently. Unfortunately even if I delete my friend’s, it won’t work - it’s crammed in my head!

Very long post, but am I right to feel upset? Yes, people do drift apart, and her primary concern should be her family. But forgetting some of her friends that were her rock during university still baffles me. Has this happened to any of you?

Thanks!
 
She is a devout Muslim woman. Did you really expect her to be keen on the idea of keeping male friends other than her husband after she married? And non-Muslim friends? Particularly non-Muslim male friends who “track her down at work”? No. It was OK to let this couple know how to find you, but as surely as if she had joined a convent where she took a vow of silence, you have to let her go. This is particularly true since you are not married yourself, BTW. For a married woman to garner this kind of interest from a male friend with no woman in his life and no vow of celibacy taken is not good. I would not chalk up her communication style to flakiness, then. I’d chalk it up to prudence.

This is, BTW, what usually happens to high school and college friends. Some of them keep in touch, but most do not. Certainly most opposite-sex friends are seen in a cool light by spouses when they resurface from out of nowhere. If one of my same-age Catholic male friends from college were to track me down at work and act as you have acted, I would not encourage his attentions, either. If he were Muslim and vastly different from me in age and had never found himself a girlfriend, I’d try to be indulgent, but I would still not encourage his attentions.

This is not to say that there is anything wrong with feeling some sadness that this had to be so. It is only to say that when you took the chance in re-connecting with her, you had to realize that “so different, age, religion, backgrounds, everything” was eventually going to come home to roost. You did not know it when you first befriended her, but this day was coming. You were there for each other back in the day, but the time has come for you to go your separate ways. She and her husband have been very kind to you, but other than giving them access to your page so they can check on you if they want to and pray for you when you encounter major milestones in your life, it is time to leave them alone.

I’m sorry. This has to be a big disappointment, but let it go. Find friendships for here and now, and forget this one except to be thankful that you had it while it could last.
 
We don’t really know why some people seem to neglect some people and embrace others. College, High School, Work, Facebook, with all of its ‘friending’ and ‘likes’ presents a distortion of meaning of these root words at times. It can set us up to think we are in someone’s inner circle. I can’t even expect that from my siblings!

Easter Joy’s words seem highly probable.

Many of my friends disappeared during childbearing years and some have recently resurfaced. Some are the same; some have greatly changed.

You are a person who seems blind to those issues of marital propriety or territorialism, maybe because your intentions are purely friendly ones, or maybe because you were raised without this consciousness of propriety or perhaps because you are not married now. Maybe if you were married you would not have a problem with a male friend looking up your wife but I have found that it is a big world and not everyone thinks and acts in pure, open ways. Wake up a bit. And start letting go. Kindly.

I have many adult friends and family who struggle with these things. Some people look so much more graceful about friending (not the facebook kind) and letting go. The rest of us are still like kids in a sandbox.

My rule is to never assume. Never assume someone is against you or hostile to you, even if they act as if. Keep a healthy distance if they act hostile, but don’t take it in too much. There are so many reasons why people behave as they do.

Never assume you are someone’s best friend, close friend, or friend until they show you. Some people use the word “friend” but in a different meaning. I would never say “How’s my acquaintance?” when running into an acquaintance–that would sound cold. I might say, “How’s my friend?” but I won’t necessarily invite them to my wedding.

You must be a good person who would make a very good friend. That is the tragedy when others don’t understand or can’t read our motives. Keep loving people.
 
EasterJoy said:
She is a devout Muslim woman. Did you really expect her to be keen on the idea of keeping male friends other than her husband after she married? And non-Muslim friends? Particularly non-Muslim male friends who “track her down at work”? No. It was OK to let this couple know how to find you, but as surely as if she had joined a convent where she took a vow of silence, you have to let her go. This is particularly true since you are not married yourself, BTW. For a married woman to garner this kind of interest from a male friend with no woman in his life and no vow of celibacy taken is not good. I would not chalk up her communication style to flakiness, then. I’d chalk it up to prudence.

This is, BTW, what usually happens to high school and college friends. Some of them keep in touch, but most do not. Certainly most opposite-sex friends are seen in a cool light by spouses when they resurface from out of nowhere. If one of my same-age Catholic male friends from college were to track me down at work and act as you have acted, I would not encourage his attentions, either. If he were Muslim and vastly different from me in age and had never found himself a girlfriend, I’d try to be indulgent, but I would still not encourage his attentions.

This is not to say that there is anything wrong with feeling some sadness that this had to be so. It is only to say that when you took the chance in re-connecting with her, you had to realize that “so different, age, religion, backgrounds, everything” was eventually going to come home to roost. You did not know it when you first befriended her, but this day was coming. You were there for each other back in the day, but the time has come for you to go your separate ways. She and her husband have been very kind to you, but other than giving them access to your page so they can check on you if they want to and pray for you when you encounter major milestones in your life, it is time to leave them alone.

I’m sorry. This has to be a big disappointment, but let it go. Find friendships for here and now, and forget this one except to be thankful that you had it while it could last.
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This is a very wise post.
Move on and make more appropriate friends that can reciprocate your interest. God Bless.
 
I had so many friends in high school and after that I thought would always be in my life. Once everyone started getting married and/or having children or going to college, we all started drifting apart.

It doesn’t seem fair but that it how life tends to go. Some people are lucky to hold on to the same friend their whole life, but it can be hard for most. People grow apart sometimes.

I’m sure that she still cares for you as a friend. Her husband adding you means that he accepts that friendship. However, I don’t know the Muslim view on non-muslim friendships outside of marriage. Please don’t take it personally.

I have hundreds on Facebook friends, but I have not had a friend visit my house in over a year. I understand how lonely it can be. I can also understand how sad it is to reach out to your best friend and they do not answer you over and over again. (This happened to me as well.)

Best thing you can do is thank God for the wonderful memories, pray for their well-being, and move on. You will find someone that you are meant to be with.

hugs~
 
EasterJoy said:
She is a devout Muslim woman. Did you really expect her to be keen on the idea of keeping male friends other than her husband after she married? And non-Muslim friends? Particularly non-Muslim male friends who “track her down at work”? No. It was OK to let this couple know how to find you, but as surely as if she had joined a convent where she took a vow of silence, you have to let her go. This is particularly true since you are not married yourself, BTW. For a married woman to garner this kind of interest from a male friend with no woman in his life and no vow of celibacy taken is not good. I would not chalk up her communication style to flakiness, then. I’d chalk it up to prudence.

This is, BTW, what usually happens to high school and college friends. Some of them keep in touch, but most do not. Certainly most opposite-sex friends are seen in a cool light by spouses when they resurface from out of nowhere. If one of my same-age Catholic male friends from college were to track me down at work and act as you have acted, I would not encourage his attentions, either. If he were Muslim and vastly different from me in age and had never found himself a girlfriend, I’d try to be indulgent, but I would still not encourage his attentions.

This is not to say that there is anything wrong with feeling some sadness that this had to be so. It is only to say that when you took the chance in re-connecting with her, you had to realize that “so different, age, religion, backgrounds, everything” was eventually going to come home to roost. You did not know it when you first befriended her, but this day was coming. You were there for each other back in the day, but the time has come for you to go your separate ways. She and her husband have been very kind to you, but other than giving them access to your page so they can check on you if they want to and pray for you when you encounter major milestones in your life, it is time to leave them alone.

I’m sorry. This has to be a big disappointment, but let it go. Find friendships for here and now, and forget this one except to be thankful that you had it while it could last.
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  1. I definitely wasn’t expecting the dynamics of the friendship to remain the same after she got married. But, it was all very baffling, considering that we were quite close. Was it down to prudence? Maybe. Each couple has their own rules on friendships, and religion might not have a lot to do with it. I have Muslim female friends from the same circle of friends who married, and we still keep in touch. If they didn’t want anything to do with me, I respect their decision. My view of her as a person has never changed, and her husband conducts himself with dignity on social networks, for the most part. No show-offs, proclamations of love and zillions of pictures.
  2. I’ve definitely let go. Haven’t spoken/seen to her since May 2012, or contacted her in any way since Oct 2012.
 
Are you right to feel upset? No. You can “feel” whatever you want but you should let it go. Wish the couple the best and expect nothing in return. They do not owe you anything.

Generally speaking, if you seem emotionally needy, this will frighten off some people.
 
It’s pretty common for people after marriage to more or less forget about their single friends in American society and in quite a few parts of the West, don’t worry it gets worse after they have kids and wind up usually only doing things with couples. Oh, and basically all church groups for singles are actually for getting people to find someone. Quite a few people who are celibate not entirely by choice struggle with fears of loneliness in the absence of a robust friend network.
 
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