About a Catholic parish member

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Hi,

There is an older woman who is difficult to deal with. Can you help me fix this problem?

Situations:

1-Once, she changed her name and I didn’t know about it. I called her by her old name and she got uptight. I explained that I didn’t know about it. Right after that, she resigned as a volunteer from one of my parish activities. It was the result of my innocent mistake of not knowing about her name change.

2-A few months ago, my church launched a project and everyone was welcomed to send their e-mails to the editor of the project. I volunteered and helped our volunteers by sending their e-mails to the editor. I was trying to help them by sending the groups’ e-mails directly to the editor. Now, an old woman got messages from our project editor and got all confused about who was sending them etc. Her computer doesn’t work well and her ability to read and understand English or whatever is poor. She got the editor so frustrated that he removed her e-mail from the list. She talked with me and thought that I removed her from the list…This lady thinks that I’m against her. I will see her at Mass and explain to her what I initally did. I’m getting frustrated with her stupidity.

However, what can others like I do to avoid complaints coming from people who don’t understand us well? Why is it that a parish member sees evil in us when we’re building the church? Can’t she see our hearts? Why can’t she see the good that we’re doing? In the Bible, it says to give special care to the modest parts of the Mass, but it’s not easy. This person complains a lot and doesn’t see any good anywhere.

I have talked with my priest about it and have proposed to have him or a translator nearby to translate my English into her mother-tongue in order for this person to understand what I did at the beginning of the project. She acts as if everyone is against her. She squabbles with a lot of people.

Any advice?

Templum
 
Templum said:
Hi,

There is an older woman who is difficult to deal with. Can you help me fix this problem?

Situations:

1-Once, she changed her name and I didn’t know about it. I called her by her old name and she got uptight. I explained that I didn’t know about it. Right after that, she resigned as a volunteer from one of my parish activities. It was the result of my innocent mistake of not knowing about her name change.

2-A few months ago, my church launched a project and everyone was welcomed to send their e-mails to the editor of the project. I volunteered and helped our volunteers by sending their e-mails to the editor. I was trying to help them by sending the groups’ e-mails directly to the editor. Now, an old woman got messages from our project editor and got all confused about who was sending them etc. Her computer doesn’t work well and her ability to read and understand English or whatever is poor. She got the editor so frustrated that he removed her e-mail from the list. She talked with me and thought that I removed her from the list…This lady thinks that I’m against her. I will see her at Mass and explain to her what I initally did. I’m getting frustrated with her stupidity.

However, what can others like I do to avoid complaints coming from people who don’t understand us well? Why is it that a parish member sees evil in us when we’re building the church? Can’t she see our hearts? Why can’t she see the good that we’re doing? In the Bible, it says to give special care to the modest parts of the Mass, but it’s not easy. This person complains a lot and doesn’t see any good anywhere.

I have talked with my priest about it and have proposed to have him or a translator nearby to translate my English into her mother-tongue in order for this person to understand what I did at the beginning of the project. She acts as if everyone is against her. She squabbles with a lot of people.

Any advice?

Templum
Click to expand...
I am sorry but you lost me and all my compassion when you used the bolded word above.

As we only have one side of the story, which is always the case, all I can suggest is patience and compassion.

Especially since you say this is an older person, technology might not be something they are good at or understand very well.

I will pray for you.
 
It may be that this lady is beginning to suffer a bit of dementia. This happens to many people as they age, and it presents quite a challenge to the charity of the people who deal with them. I urge you to be patient and offer it up, as our mothers would have told us.
 
ByzCath said:
I am sorry but you lost me and all my compassion when you used the bolded word above.

As we only have one side of the story, which is always the case, all I can suggest is patience and compassion.

Especially since you say this is an older person, technology might not be something they are good at or understand very well.

I will pray for you.
Click to expand...
Dittos. While she may me acting “stupid”, you need to reconsider your reaction.

Respond with Charity.

You will deal with difficult people in the Church all your life. Some are that way because they cannot help it, some people are deliberate jerks.

It is our duty, regardless of who we are presented with, to deal with them with love, patience and charity. It’s not always easy.
 
“Can’t she see our hearts?”
Well, no, of course she can’t. Just as you can’t see hers.

You might want to remove yourself from dealing with her until you can get over thinking of her as stupid. Isn’t there anyone in the parish who speaks her native language? Perhaps they could help.
 
I agree with both responses: do not use such words as stupidity, if she is about to demented she is not responsible for it (for me ‘stupid’ still means ‘slow of mind’, but the meaning for most changed, and it is cursing word.)

As for you meditate that you and your values should not be depend on her, you are responsible to God, and He wants you to accept other, accept yourself and accept Him as things are.
 
Also, email is rough for some of the more "life experienced’ generation. However we are called to keep the more "life experienced generation involved in ministry. Please see 1 Timothy 5-16. May I suggest in order to show this woman good faith you go the extra mile and bring her copies of the emails with you to Sunday masses starting this Sunday - it will cost you a couple dollars a week and a few minutes of your time but when we seek to bring understanding rather than to be understood we achieve joy.
 
Templum said:
Hi,

There is an older woman who is difficult to deal with. Can you help me fix this problem?

Situations:

1-Once, she changed her name and I didn’t know about it. I called her by her old name and she got uptight. I explained that I didn’t know about it. Right after that, she resigned as a volunteer from one of my parish activities. It was the result of my innocent mistake of not knowing about her name change.

2-A few months ago, my church launched a project and everyone was welcomed to send their e-mails to the editor of the project. I volunteered and helped our volunteers by sending their e-mails to the editor. I was trying to help them by sending the groups’ e-mails directly to the editor. Now, an old woman got messages from our project editor and got all confused about who was sending them etc. Her computer doesn’t work well and her ability to read and understand English or whatever is poor. She got the editor so frustrated that he removed her e-mail from the list. She talked with me and thought that I removed her from the list…This lady thinks that I’m against her. I will see her at Mass and explain to her what I initally did. I’m getting frustrated with her stupidity.

However, what can others like I do to avoid complaints coming from people who don’t understand us well? Why is it that a parish member sees evil in us when we’re building the church? Can’t she see our hearts? Why can’t she see the good that we’re doing? In the Bible, it says to give special care to the modest parts of the Mass, but it’s not easy. This person complains a lot and doesn’t see any good anywhere.

I have talked with my priest about it and have proposed to have him or a translator nearby to translate my English into her mother-tongue in order for this person to understand what I did at the beginning of the project. She acts as if everyone is against her. She squabbles with a lot of people.

Any advice?

Templum
Click to expand...
If I were you I’d go back and reread your original post and think of your mother as the old woman and someone else, not you, writing your post and maybe that will give you a different point of view. People don’t just change their name unless they have something significant going on in their lives, so perhaps her getting upset with you and resiging from the volunteer ministry has more to do with her life than it does you. Your editor acted like a jerk to just remove her from the email list instead of finding another more charitable way to address his/her frustration with the woman in the situation. I too would be rather upset if that is the normal way your group deals with problems. How can you expect her to be the one to act more appropriately if your editor thinks that is the way to solve a problem? You have already said she is older (but you didn’t say how much older so that may not even be the problem), her computer doesn’t work well and her English is not very good. I could understand her frustration if English wasn’t my native language. If the whole group has this attitude about this woman, it may very well be reasonable on her part to think you all are against her.
 
Hi,

Thanks again. I realized that this situation was a bit too difficult for me to handle, so I talked it over with my priest and things are better now. I don’t know this older woman very well except through my experience in the church. However, I did get inspired from my priest and by your replies.

Thanks again,
Templum
 
Buy her a single flower and bring it to her…and ask her for a few moments “to better explain some recent incidents and to ask for her forgiveness for your clumsiness”, give it to her with a smile and a expectant heart of a child. And when you talk her - at the end - see if you can get her to volunteer for one small thing or favor. Give her a small chance to be generous herself.

Take all the blame and attribute it to your own ineptness and overwork…whatever.

Greet her guardian angel before you greet her…and pray ahead of time “Lord I want to make this encounter my prayer to you…help me to be generous”. Offer up the whole effort to make amends for struggling parents.

The stupidity word (and more importantly the interior thought of it) needs to go.
 
Everything.

Apostolate is done with people who are already Catholic. Smoothing over relations is a form of spreading the Gospel in the street. It’s helping them grow closer to God by removing obstacles that put things in between them and God and others; Pride, resentment, selfishness, “issues”.

Having prickly and quirky relations exist and known among the faithful can also be a hindrance to others considering the Faith for the first time.

We need to be “known by our love”, no?
 
Edward_H said:
Everything.

Apostolate is done with people who are already Catholic. Smoothing over relations is a form of spreading the Gospel in the street. It’s helping them grow closer to God by removing obstacles that put things in between them and God and others; Pride, resentment, selfishness, “issues”.

Having prickly and quirky relations exist and known among the faithful can also be a hindrance to others considering the Faith for the first time.

We need to be “known by our love”, no?
Click to expand...
100% correct.
 
Great answers Edward.

…for I was stupid and you were patient with Me…
 
No…it’s a reasonable question to ask here. Some topics float off…and I’m often the one to do the floating. So good question.

The “apostolate around us” point isn’t mine, but my eyes have been opened to it over the last few years. It’s where most of us can have the greatest effect, I think.

This site and the people it has attracted is a great thing.
 
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