Abusive, estranged BIL died — how to deal with his family?

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Guernica_S

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Facing a very challenging situation — what would you do?

I posted a thread awhile back (under the username Guernica, I had to start a new account because the previous one became inaccessible) about how I had to go to No Contact with “Steve”, my husband’s oldest brother, because he was an abusive bully who wouldn’t keep his hands off of me. From literally the moment I met Steve he was at my throat with constant insults and baiting — his first words to me were: “I hear you’re from California, I hate that place. Nobody there but fruits and nuts! Yuk yuk yuk! Hah, you’re too sensitive!”

Soon after he was constantly grabbing at me as well — he’d come up from behind me and grab me with both arms so that my back was pressed against his front. Then he’d laugh and claim he was only joking, where’s your sense of humor? Despite constant reprimands from both me and my husband, he continued to “jokingly” paw at me, which escalated to actually groping me. He put his hand up my skirt and onto my inner thigh while my back was turned, at a family party in his sister’s house. After he subjected me to this unwanted intimate touching, I refused to ever see him again and sent certified mail letters to all of his immediate family members telling them what he did, and that I refused to ever see him again.

My mother in law and three sisters in law all tried to get me to change my mind, but I refused to even hear of it. One SIL went so far as to invite me and my husband to visit them for a weekend and then spent the whole time telling me that I was making my MIL miserable, and how she was crying all the time, etc. I had resolved to cut contact with her too on the drive back to the airport.

Once “Steve” and his flying monkeys were out of my life, everything suddenly got a lot more peaceful. (Our marriage actually improved quite a bit without my in-laws in my life, imagine that.) My husband continued to maintain his own relationships with his family and attend some of their events, but he kept the bad ones completely away from me and didn’t tell them anything about me besides, “She’s fine, thanks.” I know several of them tried to get him to chastise me for them, but he wouldn’t do it. That went on for most of a decade. My husband kept me so separate from most of them that I would joke that they only had his word for it that I was still alive. And that really worked well for us.
 
Then I got the news this March that Steve had died in his sleep of a massive heart attack, at the age of 54. This didn’t come as that much of a surprise, since he had been morbidly obese from childhood, and had been warned many times by doctors that various health conditions caused by his 200+ extra pounds would probably shorten his life. And the doctors turned out to be right.

My husband flew out to his hometown for the funeral, and stayed there a week to help his mother. I didn’t go to the funeral, because I was in the middle of undergoing an 8 week course of radiation therapy for breast cancer five days a week when he died. Plus I had been at No Contact from Steve for years and wouldn’t have had anything good to say about him anyway. The in-laws were at first angry that I hadn’t shown up for the funeral, but calmed down when my husband told them I couldn’t travel because I was being treated for cancer. Then two seconds later his mom got mad at him that he hadn’t told them I had cancer until the treatment was nearly completed.

So now my niece is getting married this December, the first big family event since Steve’s death, and my niece (a wonderful young lady I’ve always adored) has made a point of inviting both me and my husband to be there. “I haven’t seen Aunt G in forever, please tell her she’s very, very welcome and we hope she’ll be joining us.”

While I can’t wait to see my niece and her fiancé seems like an absolute treasure, It’s sure going to be interesting to attend a socially-distanced wedding full of relatives who tried to brush Steve’s sexual assault on me under the rug, especially when I ignored all of their pressure to continue associating with him. (“Can’t she just find it in her heart to forgive him! She’s tearing this family apart!”) I haven’t seen or spoken to most of them in four to eight years.

I’m anticipating the reproachful silent treatment from most of them, and once the booze starts flowing (my in-laws drink HEAVY) there will probably be some maudlin recriminations about how “You refused to ever see him again and now he’s DEAD! Happy now?” Lather rinse repeat.
 
I’m not happy that he’s dead, but I’ll admit that it’s a relief not to have to be afraid of him anymore. The man was easily twice my size, ignored every complaint about his abuses, and seemed to take pleasure in violating the boundaries of common decency. Since Steve has been out of my life, my husband has told me some pretty interesting things that Steve had said about me, while he was drunk:

“I’m going to steal your wife from you, because I have lots more money.”
“I have to have a proxy relationship with your wife because I don’t have a girlfriend.”
“You know I’ve always had a vicarious relationship with your wife.”
“You know one of these days I’m gonna take her from you!”

Now that I’ve been thinking about it, there were definitely some instances of borderline sexually predatory behavior towards me which I hadn’t quite recognized at the time because I just didn’t expect that kind of thing from my own brother in law at a high school graduation party. (Does anyone?!)

I do not regret my decision to cut contact with him. If I had to do over again, I would do the same thing, and probably should have done it sooner. I also believe that refusing to see him was the best thing for him as well; since he wouldn’t restrain his baser instincts regarding me, it was best to remove the temptation entirely, so as not to present a near occasion of sin. The way I see it, when he faced God after his death, he only had the one count of sexual assault against his brother’s wife to confess.

So I’m not looking forward to facing this man’s mother and sisters in a few months, needless to say. At best it’s going to be incredibly awkward. It’ll be an absolute joy to see my niece again and meet her new husband, though. I’ve very much missed her, and by all reports they’re madly in love. It’ll be wonderful to see such a happy couple get married.

What would you do? I’m at a loss.
 
I would go and share your niece’s happy day with her. She wants You there!

As for the rest of the family…you know the worst of them is no longer around to bother you. Maybe you can prepare some kind of scripted answer to their comments beforehand. One liners, said matter of fact lay and then change the subject or walk away. Your husband can be a great support in all of this by speaking for you. He can answer them and stay by your side. It is, after all, his family, and he should be the one to protect you from them.

Go and enjoy the wedding despite the rest of the family.
 
Guernica_S said:
What would you do?
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I think I would go, but have a plan for an early exit if things get bad, especially if the family-in-law tends to drink too much and get verbally abusive.

Try to be patient. Find out who the nice ones are and stay close to them. It might go better than you expect. If not, and your patience wears thin, express your best wishes to the happy couple and all others of good will, make some plausible excuse, and go back to your room.

Are you planning to stay at their home? I would recommend staying at a hotel.
 
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Guernica_S said:
What would you do? I’m at a loss.
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I would definitely go. If anyone tries the “Happy now?” nonsense, give them a confused look and say “Of course not! What a bizarre question!” And yes, have an exit plan.
 
I’d go to the wedding, see my niece, and avoid the problem relatives except for civil pleasantries if needed, as in, “Hello, it’s a lovely day for a wedding, and didn’t the bride look beautiful etc.”

If they try to discuss Steve with you, or other sensitive subject, excuse yourself and walk away. If they start to harass you, then leave.

And (in case this needs to be said) don’t stay at the problem relatives’ homes or commit to any social get-togethers with them apart from the bridal events that you’ll all be at, focusing on the bride. If your husband wants to do something with them, let him go on his own while you go do something fun by yourself or stay in your motel room reading a book or whatever.
 
What does your husband ask you to do?
Me, I would go. I would have nothing to be ashamed of (nor do you).
As Tis said, go and be gracious.
And if they bring up the bil, a simple “Let’s let him rest in peace, eh? Oooh did you see that cake???!”
 
I don’t know if this has been brought up, but is your niece aware of what your BIL did to you?
 
puer.dei said:
If anyone tries the “Happy now?” nonsense, give them a confused look and say “Of course not! What a bizarre question!” And yes, have an exit plan.
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Why not be happy about it? A person who thinks nothing of committing sexual assault is no longer on this earth, and the world is safer because of it.
 
If the topic comes up, one should speak in both truth and charity of the deceased. If nothing else, “I pray for him,” or a similar expression of hope for his salvation.
 
I would go. You like your niece and want to go, so this would be a good event for you to meet with your in-laws again and get it over with. If you don’t go, you’ll have to have that first meeting after BIL’s death the next time, and it might not be such a good occasion.

Glennon wrote a concise plan of action. Absolutely have an exit plan, and ask your husband to keep an eye on how you are fairing with them!
 
Wow, some excellent advice from everyone – you all have my gratitude.

I am absolutely NOT staying at any of the relatives’ houses. The time is long past when I was willing to accept their hospitality, especially in my husband’s hometown. I was born in Los Angeles, and have heard over and over and OVER from far too many of my MIL’s family and friends that Big City Folk are all contemptible. Some of them really are lovely people, but there were others who would actively seek me out at parties to tell me that they heard I’m from California and they’re going to forgive me for that. That sort of thing got really old, really fast.

So we’ve made arrangements to stay at a big hotel, 200+ rooms and multiple bars and restaurants, where my niece has reserved a block of rooms for the family group. But my husband specifically asked the hotel reservationist to put us in a room far away from “party central” so we can get some sleep. My MIL always gets a big hospitality suite for family events, where the carousing starts at brunch and goes on until all hours. The reservationist said that’s actually a very common request, and is putting us several floors down on the opposite side of the hotel. Plus there’s room service, so I can have my meals alone if I want to.

I’m definitely using some of the comebacks suggested above. “Why don’t we just let him rest” is nice and neutral. My first thought would be: “I don’t want to speak ill of the dead” but that’s kind of argumentative, isn’t it.

But I’ll admit that I’m not exactly wrecked by the loss of this guy. He was just at my throat with verbal abuse ALL the time, always trying to drag me into tedious arguments like some barroom oaf trying to “neg” an uninterested woman. (“Negging” is the dubious practice of insulting a woman to put her on the defensive and monopolize her attention.)

It was often very difficult for me to be around the in-laws, as my MIL and SILs are very pious to the point of shameless virtue-signaling, while the oldest BIL would get drunk and run around grabbing at women in the extended family in a manner that would have gotten him kicked out of a nightclub. It seemed that he enjoyed subjecting women to overfamiliarity, and then guffawing at their discomfort. Plus I always seemed to be his main target, probably because I was his first sister-in-law, and I get treated like the low-rent in-law in that crowd because I’m Big City Folk.
 
My niece knows that I stopped attending family events and cut contact with most of her mother’s family back in 2012, when she was about 16. She’s now in her mid-twenties and close to completing her MBA. I don’t think she knows the exact whys and wherefores of why I stopped visiting, although her parents certainly do. Neither one of her parents ever contacted me in any way regarding the letter I sent, although my niece’s father has mentioned to my husband that he read it. Niece’s Dad never got along all that well with Steve either, as Tough Guy Steve was notorious for scoffing at “wimpy guys,” i.e. men who are actually well-mannered, considerate, and nice.

So at this point I’m planning to go, although I’m only going to the rehearsal dinner, the wedding, and the reception, and I’m not spending ANY time in my MIL’s big suite drinking heavy with her usual crowd. My husband has promised that he’ll walk away with me anytime it gets ugly, which is reassuring.

Regardless of the apprehension I feel, I know my niece would be hurt if I refused her invitation, especially when she made a point of asking us both to attend. And yes, since I don’t plan on shunning all of the in-laws for the rest of my life, there will have to be some occasion where I show up again, and a wedding seems as good of an occasion as I could ask for.

I’m still getting anxious every time I think about it, though. It’s not helping that every other social event I would have attended this year has been canceled, and the wedding will probably be the only social event I go to for the rest of this year. Perhaps it’s something about being safe at home all the time because of the quarantine that’s magnifying my nervousness here. Leaving my cozy comfort zone just seems so much harder than before.
 
You have a great attitude, and it sounds like you are well prepared. I am not sure what can be done about your anxiety. Let’s pray for calm and peace in your heart.
 
Oh my dear–I am so happy for you!
If you drink, have one (or six) for me, whatever it takes to loosen up a tad, and then dance, dance, dance.
Please come back with the deets when you return. I bet your husband will be so proud of you, so grateful for your support and you become closer.
Maybe the bil was a demon for him, too 🙂
 
I actually looked up the thread, where you actually cut this bil off from your life. I was tired last night, after finding it, that I bookmarked it, and read it today…

You were very brave, and it looks like you went thru a lot. You bravely stuck to what you knew happened! And, if my arithmetic is right, the bride, who particularly invited you, is either one of his former victims, or her sister. So, as siblings often tell each other things that they don’t tell their parents, I’m guessing that she has some knowledge, or at least a guess, as to why you didn’t attend any events that ‘Uncle Steve’ did.

So, go, have a good time, meet your niece’s new husband, try to avoid people who are likely to be hostile. As you’re staying at a hotel, it’s unlikely you’ll need an ‘escape plan’. But have one, just in case. And start a thread, telling about it, once you return!

And to you, your husband, the bride and groom…God Bless!!!
 
Thank you all very much for the kind words and encouragement! It’s all helping me get up my gumption to actually leave my cozy little hobbit hole here and go amongst what will probably be a semi-hostile crowd. My in-laws had it in for me just for not being “their kind” from the first – I heard plenty of times about how they just LOOOOOOVED his high school sweetheart, who is still a friend of the family. Yeah, good to know that you wanted him to marry someone else, thanks for being so tactful, Lovely In-Laws.

But I’m also sure my MIL will have told her closest confidantes (all 80 or 90 of them) that I had cancer as well. My husband and I have known about MIL’s busybody ways for a very long time now — I’ve joked that telling my MIL anything is about like taking out a neon billboard over the 10 / 405 freeway interchange, and a couple of the SILs are just as bad. This of course means that in addition to likely getting reproached about Steve, I’m going to have all manner of her friends, most of whom I don’t know, coming up to me wanting to discuss my cancer treatment in intimate detail. And of course they’ll know WAY too much about it, and of course it’ll have gotten exaggerated for dramatic effect because that always seems to happen when such juicy gossip hits a sleepy small town.

Truth is, the cancer was discovered almost as soon as it became detectable, and we wasted no time in starting treatment – I was in the chemo chair less than six weeks after the first doctor’s appointment when my GP ordered up a diagnostic ultrasound. Yes, there were biopsies, yes, they were painful, yes, chemotherapy was excruciating and radiation wasn’t any fun either, yes, all my hair fell out, it was only a single mastectomy and yes, the recovery was painful. But that’s all far behind me now and I prefer to keep it that way. My hair has even grown back enough that I have a full head of short curls now, although it’s noticeably much shorter than the almost waist-length hair I had before chemotherapy.

So if it’s not “you were so unforgiving to poor Steve” it’ll be “OH NOES your MIL told us all about how you almost died of cancer, you poor thing! Do you think you’ll survive another year?”

I’m facepalming hard enough to give myself a black eye at just the thought of it. Lord preserve me from all these prattling mouths – ARGH!!!
 
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