Abusive Marriage & Divorce & End-Times

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I am in a marriage that has a long history of my husband abusing me verbally, emotionally/mentally and physically. This past year the physical abuse has become worse and increasing. This past August was the last time he physically attacked me, I told him that was it, I could take no more and wanted him to get help and I wanted to separate, possibly divorce. He of course refuses to go to counseling or anger management, claiming they are just people; they know no more than anyone else and are there for a paycheck. He said we only need to pray to God to help us. I don’t agree with this and got myself into counseling for domestic violence abuse. He recently started going to church, not catholic. He is not catholic, I am, but we were not married in a catholic church. For the past 5 weeks or so he has been reading the bible and study scripture on a daily basis. He claims that he is changed; he has accepted the spirit of God and will never abuse me in any manner ever again. All of the abuse over the years has taken its toll on me and I feel broken and do not want to be anywhere near him anymore. While I forgive him, I am having a terrible time forgetting. I don’t trust my husband and still see him as controlling and manipulative. I don’t enjoy physical relations with him, and I don’t think I love him anymore either. I have told him these things, and said that I possibly want a divorce. I have also told him that right now I am very angry at him and that I don’t want to make the decision of divorce until I had time to think about everything, and I think we need help. I have asked him for some space, so I can sort my feelings, but he refuses to move out. He doesn’t seem to grasp how traumatized I am and why it is so difficult for me to go on with him and our daily life as if everything is okay. My husband has also become somewhat of a religious fanatic. He is obsessed with the end times. He reads the bible daily (which is good) but he has also been reading this book called the The Sign, by Robert Van Kampen, watches economic news and the stock market most of the day and believes that we are entering end times. He talks about it ceaselessly, and gets upset with me for not wanting to discuss it with him. He keeps ranting that we need to be prepared for disaster and the coming of Christ. He also is making up new rules for us, such as we are to observe Saturday as the Sabbath just as the Jews did in the Old Testament, no cooking or eating hot foods, no going to any place that exchanges money, we should stay home unless we are going out to enjoy fellowship with other Christians, etc. When I go against him he says he is the head of house, I am to be submissive to him and follow him, etc. I am an independent person and being submissive to him, especially after all he had put me through is an extremely hard concept for me, and I don’t believe that the way he is using it is how it’s meant. I feel like the abuse is still continuing mentally and now spiritually. Last night when he started on one of his end times rants, and I showed obvious annoyance with it, he asked me why I didn’t want to hear the truth, why was I so adverse to it and did I have a demon in me. I am completely worn out and exhausted with him, I feel like he will always be abusive in some way and that he has some sort of personality disorder. I don’t see myself ever being able to live in peace with him, and that as his religious beliefs grow stronger he is going to hinder my practicing the catholic faith, and most likely try to keep our daughter (she is 10) from learning it as well. I actually feel sometimes like I am listening to a future leader of a cult when he goes on one of his religious end-time rants.(Please note I have gone to a few services with him at his church, as our daughter has gone with him and I wanted to check it out, it is a completely normal, regular bible based church, all of his ideas of end-times are coming from himself). All I want to do is get away from him, and get our daughter into some counseling as well (he won’t allow it). When I have brought up divorce to him, he of course tells me God hates divorce, I will be committing adultery, etc. I don’t take my vows lightly, but really feel there is no other choice for me. But at the same time I feel terribly guilty. My questions is this, in my circumstances and considering that I was not married in the Catholic church is divorce an option for me, without committing a great sin? Also could you please shed some light on the end-times for me, how are Catholics to prepare for it, and are we to even be concerned about whether its here or not?
 
Only God knows when the world will end. It is not for us to know. For each of us an end time will come and that death is what we are to prepare for. We know not the day or the hour.

You have been abused and have a right to get away from someone who has now enlisted the Word of God to control you.

No, it’s not a sin to divorce. It’s a sin to divorce and remarry without a determination that the first marriage was invalid.

I suspect you’re not in any big hurry to marry anyone else. 😉

It will take more than 5 weeks of him pretending to have found Jesus to fix years of abuse. No, it’s not your imagination. And I will say a certain personality type likes all the conspiracy theories, end of time fanatic cults and anything else that removes responsibility from themselves for how life turns out. It’s all someone else’s fault.

When people really turn to Jesus, they don’t use Jesus to beat other people over the heads with.

Please keep going to counselling. It will help you deal with him, give you skills to use in this situation, help you deal with your daughter’s needs and help you make a wise choice. Your counselor can also be your advocate should it ever come to divorce.

If you announced you weren’t going to get divorced after all, I’d bet the bible would be put away for good. 😉
 
Wow.

I am glad that you are able to see the truth for what it is. You are still being abused and controlled.

Just curious, does your husband have a current or past problem with drinking?

You say that you are getting some domestic violence counseling. Are there any resources available there to help you get out?
 
While I agree that the word of God can be transformative and it can turn the worst sinner into a saint…this does not seem to be the deal with your husband. His beliefs seem to be SDA or a similar cult. If he is wrapped up in end times prophecies…this is further evidence that he is involved with some cult influences. NO man knows the hour and it is wasteful to speculate on the end of days…we are to live out our lives for Christ like each is the last. Also, the way he is misunderstanding the biblical concept of authority as head of the household sounds potentially very abuse.
I am so cautious about marriages and always think a couple should stick it out until the very end…but there is a voice inside me that needs to say to you run run run!!!
 
This all fits the classic pattern of abuser and abusee. Although I accept in theory the possibility that an abuser can change when his victim threatens to leave, I’ve never seen it happen. I doubt many others have seen it, either.

Claiming to have reformed – which includes claiming to have reformed because of “finding God” – is an absolutely standard part of the abuser’s pattern. Reach a crisis because you’ve hit her one too many times, then apologize and promise to do better (but keep on making her think it’s her fault).

Based on what I’ve read in your post, I don’t believe he reformed, and I believe you should get out. And press charges.

But your counselor is presumably in a better position to advise you. Please keep going to counseling, no matter what happens.
 
From what you have written, he just sounds crazy to me. He has serious mental health issues and his brain is not wired right.

He is not healthy for you and I don’t feel that being with him is good for you and your daughter. I get the sense that you could potentially be in danger and I think you cannot do this on your own. I would seek the help of an woman’s shelter and tell them everything that you’ve told us.

Don’t tell him you’re leaving, don’t tell him anything. Don’t mention divorce, etc. Just take your daughter and get out when he’s not around. Don’t tell him where you’re going and make sure you have a women’s violence center to back you up and help you. Save some money…open a bank account that he’s not aware of and put some money there. If you plan to leave, plan your exit with secrecy…if you cannot trust your daughter to keep it a secret, don’t tell her anything until it’s necessary.

No one knows when the end of times are coming. Not even the pope. Catholics live there life knowing it could happen anytime. No man can state that the end of times are here with certainty.
 
Sounds to me like he has found a 7th Day Adventist Church and their literalistic interpretation, which usually means they are taking it out of context, to justify his domination.

He is forgetting that men are to love their wives AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH. What did Christ do for the Church? Christ was humiliated, beaten and gave His life for the Church. Some protestant groups tend to leave that out to promote their own patriarchal agenda.

My guess is that he will eventually try to use this to justify his abuse as well.

I’m reminded of the Gospel reading from Sunday where Christ said, “those who aren’t against us are with us.” I believe this holds true for anyone truly trying to serve Christ, however some people misunderstand the message so much they truly aren’t following.Hence the next verse I believe was that if they weren’t able to do the deeds if they weren’t really following him.

The whole “end times” stuff your husband is talking about is based upon a dream and then the theorizing of a few men about 200 years ago (John Nelson Darby). It wasn’t even taken seriously until the mid 1850s when Scofield used the Dispensationalist understanding to create his reference Bible. For the next 100 years, every “minister” who lacked formal education used that system to understand the Bible… even though it contradicted what Christians, both Protestants and Catholics alike, believed and taught for 1850 years. Most people buying into this have no idea the truth as to where these ideas came from or how they truly cause major contradictions in the Scriptures.

If you ask most people on this board you will find that I’m probably the LAST person to ever suggest a separation or divorce. However he has physically abused you, not just once, but many times. That alone to me is grounds to removing yourself and your children from that situation. Yet you also say he has been mentally and verbally abusive as well… that just adds to the fire.

Finally you might find that in the eyes of the Church, if you did not recieve a dispenation for getting married outside the Church, you aren’t married at all and thus an annullment might not even be needed.

So for what it’s worth, in my opinion your husband has just changed his justification for how he treats you from his own ideas to that of a fundamentalist protestant group. My guess is that it won’t be long because he beings to tell you that you are going to hell etc… I can only suggest that you protect yourself and your children (if you have them). If that means separation and divorce so be it.

Sadly,
Joe
 
jesajam said:
My questions is this, in my circumstances and considering that I was not married in the Catholic church is divorce an option for me, without committing a great sin? Also could you please shed some light on the end-times for me, how are Catholics to prepare for it, and are we to even be concerned about whether its here or not?
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If you were a Catholic at the time and did not receive permission from your Bishop you may not be considered married under cannon law and are not receiving the graces of the sacrament. You have a civil marriage but not a legal marriage under the Church. But don’t take my word, speak with your priest about both your marriage and the abuse. In any event your safety and that of your daughter’s must be considered paramount.

I will pray for you in this difficult time.
 
I am not a psychologist but I believe you and your child are in a very dangerous situation. If you are not willing to get out now, you need to make plans so that you know you can leave immediately if the situation suddenly turns violent. Talk to your counselor, find out what resources are available to you. Do you have any family members you can confide in? Is there any way you can stash some money that he won’t know about? You need to have a plan with your daughter, too - at very minimum, the school needs to know that they may need to protect her.

The legal stuff, if you decide to divorce, can take years. There’s plenty of time to work out the details with the Church if you find yourself wanting to remarry someday. But none of that will mean anything if your husband “snaps.”

St. Raphael, guide our sister and her daughter to safety.
Holy Mary, mother of us all, pray for us!
 
*Marriage is never meant to be at the risk of someone’s safety. I can’t imagine God would direct us to stay with someone who wants to physically and emotionally harm us…or worse. I pray that you find the courage to leave this situation. Doesn’t matter what he thinks about anything, really…does it? I mean, he has proven that he’s not stable, so his religious ‘views’ are just another example of such. I say this knowing I’m not in your shoes, but I dated an abusive man before my husband. I know how hard it is to leave such a person. They change for a day or week, and then bam…when your guard is back down, they pounce again. It’s a crazy-making cycle, and I just want you to know, I somewhat understand your situation. Although, I didn’t marry an abuser. It was the most horrible thing I had ever been through, from a dating perspective.

Love doesn’t hurt like that. Men who love their wives/gf’s don’t want to beat/abuse them. Period. He probably doesn’t know what love is, because maybe he witnessed this when he grew up. Many abusers are children of abusive parents. That said, you need to take care of you. You can’t change an abuser, he/she has to want to change. I’ll be praying for you. I’m sorry that you’ve been through this. :(*
 
Advice about talking to your pastor seconded; what with his mental issues and the fact that you weren’t married in the Church, an annulment seems indicated.
And you need to leave with your daughter as soon as you can. The way he asked if you had a “demon” for not agreeing with the cultish ideas spell trouble. He may decide to beat the “demon” out of you, and think he’s doing God’s work. Seriously, you need to protect yourself and your child.
 
Check out your domestic abuse center and shelter. Talk to them. The center can offer counseling for both you and your daughter, advice on the court system, accompaniment if and when you do go to court, and shelter should you need it. Much easier and quicker if they know you before an incident. And you’ll feel more comfortable too because you’ve met them before.

Keep a diary, put money aside, know where your car keys are. Learn how to replace the distributor cap to your auto. A trick some men use to stop their wives from leaving.
 
Don’t wait for him to move out, consult a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. Know what you need to do to ensure that you get your share of the family assets. Find a way to be safe.

Guys like this very rarely change, and it sounds like your husband is the same as he was before except that now he is using the Bible to support his controlling and abusive ways.
 
Follow-up is occurring offline. Thanks for your help. Some situations are outside the scope of CAF.
 
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