Account: "I Still Have Hope That Christ Will Bring My Kids Back to the Faith."

[MagdalenaRita]

When parents react with disowning, condemning to hell, shrieking and pearl clutching, making every gift giving opportunity about a way to force Catholic books or even sacramentals on a “wayward child”, that usually results in the adult child pulling further back.

I would agree that this is extreme and does definitely do greater harm than good. I think there is a middle of the road that needs to be taken if possible. That would be a living out the faith in front of the child and not hiding one’s sadness but still in a loving relational way letting that child know that you are sad, disappointed and will continue to pray that God will lead them back.

I would never suggest to give your child the impression that you are ok with them leaving the faith.

 

[QwertyGirl]

So is it just the article you have an issue with? I got the sense from your posts that you objected to the parents expressing sadness at all. That’s the position I am arguing against.

Expression of sadness, objectively, is not something I object to. I object to self-defeating behavior, when I see it. Feeling sad to the point of writing an article about it over this issue is self-defeating behavior, IMO, for the reasons I explained.

 

[QwertyGirl]

I will venture to say that the way your mom responded to your spiritual journey has had a great impact on the respect you demonstrate for her faith.

You are so right about this!!!

 

[MagdalenaRita]

Feeling sad to the point of writing an article about it over this issue is self-defeating behavior, IMO, for the reasons I explained.

I see the article as being written to encourage others, to let other parents know that there is still hope, there are others out there going through similar situations and to never give up on their child and that God is a God who answers prayer.

I realize it can bother the children it is being written about and it would have bothered me years ago also, but I think it might help to see who the audience is speaking to.

 

[QwertyGirl]

explained.

Yes. At the very real likelihood of damaging the relationship with the kids. Self-defeating, as I see it.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

We cannot control other people. Why would we allow the choice they make with regards to leaving a religion impact us so severely?

Simples. Because parents feel it’s their responsibility to do what they promised to do when married: raise the kid in the Church. And they also love their kid and worry about him or her going to Hell.

Anyway, some of these kids will no doubt return to the Church or return to attending Mass every Sunday or whatever their parents want. It might not happen until after Parent is six feet under, though. Happened that way with my mom and me.

 

[jeannetherese]

I don’t think a parent has a right to public sadness over a child who leaves the Church.

Hi QwertyGirl,
Could you explain/elaborate on what you meant here please? (italics added)

 

[jeannetherese]

I am so glad my Mom was able to manage her disappointment so that, later in life, we have a good and healthy relationship. It was rocky at first, but she learned quickly I wasn’t going to stick around for that nonsense.

Is managing disappointment the same thing as being forced to silence oneself as a condition of access to another?

 

[QwertyGirl]

Hi QwertyGirl,
Could you explain/elaborate on what you meant here please? (italics added)

Sure. A child’s choice of religion or choice of no religion is personal. A parent should never take the liberty of writing about the personal business of their child, when it disappoints the parent or makes them sad (especially). It is a wrong thing to do. It is taking liberty where there is none.

 

[QwertyGirl]

Is managing disappointment the same thing as being forced to silence oneself as a condition of access to another?

For a grown adult, managing disappointment in this situation is keeping it to one’s self. It is a foolish hope or expectation to have to begin with. At least that is the way I see it, for reasons I already expressed upthread.

I am pretty much a no-drama person.

 

[VanitasVanitatum]

Writing a public article and exposing something so personal about your own kids is pitching a fit, IMO. Unacceptable.

It really depends on the intention.

 

[Irishmom2]

I believe that after the article, it says the author writes under a pen name.

I am glad that you and your mom are okay with the way things are @QwertyGirl. Until it happens to some parents, I don’t think they realize that all of the outward fussing and admonishing and educating is not going to help.

I think some people will try to push things so they can tell themselves that they are “doing something.” If their children were raised Catholic, they know already. Nothing they say is going to change them back.

The best a parent can do is to pray for their “child.” And the best thing someone that has left the faith can do is be respectful and not try to start arguments every holiday because they want to make their point.

 

[Emeraldlady]

whatistrue:

So is it just the article you have an issue with? I got the sense from your posts that you objected to the parents expressing sadness at all. That’s the position I am arguing against.

Expression of sadness, objectively, is not something I object to. I object to self-defeating behavior, when I see it. Feeling sad to the point of writing an article about it over this issue is self-defeating behavior, IMO, for the reasons I explained.

But if you can accept that there are two sides to this scenario and it seems that what you are seeing as an unreasonable response of the mother, is resulting in the same unreasonable response from yourself. Your mother can’t control what you feel but to be consistent you can’t control what a mother feels either.

What we know about Augustine’s mother Monica all comes from Augustine’s stories about her after his conversion. He demonstrates that it is very reasonable and profitable to hope for your child’s conversion and to devote your prayers to that intention… because it works.

But you sent down your help from above and rescued my soul from the depths of this darkness because my mother, your faithful servant, wept to you for me, shedding more tears for my spiritual death than other mothers shed for the bodily death of a son” (Confessions 3.11).

For nearly nine years were yet to come during which I wallowed deep in…the darkness of delusion…Yet all the time this chaste, devout, and prudent woman…never ceased to pray at all hours and to offer you the tears she shed for me” (Confessions 3. 11).

But to you, from whom all mercies spring, she poured out her tears and her prayers all the more fervently, begging you to speed your help and give me light in my darkness” ( Confessions 6.1).

She was overjoyed…For she saw that you had granted her far more than she used to ask in her tearful prayers and plaintive lamentations. You converted me to yourself, so that I no longer desired a wife or placed any hope in this world but stood firmly upon the rule of faith…” ( Confessions 8.12).

“We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.” By the end of Monica’s life, she had learned to entrust her son to God through prayer, fully living out Ambrose’s advice to “Just pray to God for him” and truly trust that the “son of these tears will not be lost” ( Confessions 3.12).

The author of the article is expressing something that comes from the depths of the natural heart and divine soul of the parent of a prodigal.

 

[QwertyGirl]

I see it as a parent unjustly burdening their child with their (parent’s) emotional needs. To me, it is inappropriate.

 

[Emeraldlady]

I see it as a parent unjustly burdening their child with their (parent’s) emotional needs. To me, it is inappropriate.

No, but I’m not saying that we take it to the child, I’m saying that this sadness that drives a mother to constant prayer and hope, is a legitimate response to what has happened. You want to tell them that there is a place of solace and hope in Sacraments to bring their struggles and fears to. You want them to have what you yourself have found through the struggles of life, at the foot of the Cross. You want to tell them urgently. But you can’t. You have to let them come through grace in their own time, through your prayers for them.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I see it as a parent unjustly burdening their child with their (parent’s) emotional needs. To me, it is inappropriate.

I see it as “families getting along”. When you have a close family relationship, sometimes one family member is not going to be happy with what the other family member is doing, and the unhappy person may not be the type who always keeps all their sorrow silently to themself like Quaker Meeting. I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone, including a parent, to always hold it all in, any more than I think it’s healthy for the upset person to turn every family interaction into an argument or a tantrum.

If one makes a choice that one knows is going to greatly disturb their parent, then one also must make some allowances for the parent’s emotions, and not simply tell them their emotions are wrong and a burden. It’s fine for a parent to have, and reasonably express, emotions just as it’s fine for a child, and an adult child, to do the same. Hopefully the parent and child can work out a reasonable compromise where they can have activities and interactions that don’t all end up back on the same old conflict topic, but that doesn’t mean that the conflict topic should never, ever, ever be mentioned or acknowledged.

 

[JimG]

I noticed the author has written a book called “The St. Monica Club.”

 

[jeannetherese]

Feeling sad to the point of writing an article about it over this issue is self-defeating behavior, IMO, for the reasons I explained.

It seems that the purpose of the article might be to encourage other parents whose children have, at least for the moment, fallen away from their faith.
The author notes: "Being a friend of Christ doesn’t mean you will have a life free from suffering, being a friend of Christ means He is with you in the midst of the storm. He is with you in every scourge, in every ache, in every moment of agony, in all the pains of life. He died for us, He died for them, He is seeking them even now. She closes by reminding her readers that: "It is Christ who will win them. Our job is to ride out the storm, reflecting His love, revealing His love, and always Trusting in His Divine Providence. " The Lord is the source of her hope.
Perhaps she is thinking of Saint Paul who speaks of his hope thusly: 3 And not only so; but we glory also in tribulations, knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4 And patience trial; and trial hope;

5 And hope confoundeth not: because the charity of God is poured forth in our hearts, by the Holy Ghost, who is given to us.

6 For why did Christ, when as yet we were weak, according to the time, die for the ungodly? (Romans 5: 3-6)

 

[jeannetherese]

Thank you for sharing your sentiment.
It seems to me that any choice could be called a personal choice, and yet, we share information about the choices that we, and others, make quite regularly. If the child is comfortable with the choice, I would think that she would be able to handle it being mentioned in public and hopefully, would be able to acknowledge that she and her mother are not seeing eye to eye on this subject at present.