Adoptees, talk to me

[Mamamull]

I am an adoptive mother. We have one adoption with a very open and wonderful relationship with our son’s birth mom and her parents. We have become part of each other’s family.

Our new son came to us through the county foster care system. We have a little information about the bio family, but not much. I don’t know that this birth mom would want openess, but then again, I don’t know that she knows about such things.

Our older son’s birth mom is acting as a surrogate birth mom for the younger son – if he would like that. She is wonderful at telling kids how hard it was to place her baby with someone and how much she loved her baby and still loves the boy he is.

We have never kept the facts about adoption secret. I was told that adoptees would like to talk about their birth parents, placement, etc 10 times more often than an adoptive parent would like. So we try to leave these areas of dicussion open and such.

Our sons are 6.5 yrs and 5 yrs so they don’t have major needs – or so it seems – for any difficult questions or problems just yet. Even though that is the case now, what would you think would be helpful for my sons?

What do you wish you to teach an adoptive parent who sincerely is trying to her best to be a good mom. (My husband is also very involved with the boys and working at being a good dad.)

I am indebted to you for wisdom and insights.

 

[aimee]

Hello,
I think your boys are pretty young for involved information. I don’t think I could go for a totally open adoption but think I would like a bit of involvment…because it could be confusing for the child. As for your sons birth mom I sure dont’ know about her with the other child…wouldn’t that be confusing,too? But you are your childrens mother make no mistake about that. They will always love you and your husband as their parents.

When I speak of my parents I am talking about my parents who raised me. I love them very much…they both have died and I still miss them. They were not perfect and made mistakes with me but who is right all the time? One thing I would have changed with them is when I became a rebllious teen that they would have got counseling for me. I use to think some of the acting out was due to adoption but think now I was just a rebelious teen.

Something I did miss growing up was I didn’t know any of my background…what was my ethnic background…etc

I have since found my bio mom and she is nice…I hold no grudges and she did what she had to do at the time. She wanted a better life for me and she did love me …things like that are good for an adopted person to know…also, found out my ethnic history…some irish(aren’t we all), English, some possible French…
I know that doesn’t seem like much to know so that it makes a difference but it does…

You will make mistakes but I’d say your kids will love you remember Love comes first. (I borrowed love comes first from extreme home makeover…it just seemed to fit)

God Bless you and let us know how its going.

 

[Affirmed]

Hi there, I’m an adult who was adopted as a newborn. It’s so wonderful that you and your husband are wiling to be so open with your children and their families! I was blessed with a wonderful set of adoptive parents who have done everything they can to see that I was well informed about my adoption. I will definitely second what Aimee said about ethnic background and the like. It doesn’t seem like such a big deal, but it really is a defining part of one’s identity. My adoptive father is Scandinavian, my mother Dutch/Native American. (I know, odd mix). I am English/Irish. Just knowing where they came from will give your children a chance to appreciate their own individual family history, in addition to your common history.

I can’t give you a whole lot of helpful information unfortunately. Especially since m adoption was so different from your situation. But what I can tell you is this. Your children will set the course for how they want you to handle their adoptions and their biological families. Just keep doing what you’ve been doing; answer their questions, acknowledge their feelings, but love them most of all. And one more thing. Sometimes a question or comment about the adoption or the “other” family might sting a bit. Like saying, “Well, what about my real mom, or my real dad?” And it might hurt a bit. Try not to let it. My “biological mother” is hard phrase for kid. It might take them a while to figure out just how they want to refer to their natural families. You’re doing great, they are going to be wonderful kids. If there’s anything else you would like to ask or if I can help you out at all, please ask. God Bless!

 

[Mamamull]

Thanks to both of you. I truly appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut.

I do agree that adoptees have a desire to know who they look like. There are many fantasy birth parents they could conjure up, but at least for Christopher, the older of the two. He is comfortable that he isn’t an exact match for us. He knows we love him and he quite secure in that.

The new son, who is 1.5 yrs younger than Christopher has very little info on his "social & medical " history document. It is something like 30 pages of questions about the birth parents and their background and their relatives. We do know that his birth mom is African American and his birth dad is white. (The exact opposite of Christopher’s birth parents.)

I am hoping for some pictures and maybe some (name removed by moderator)ut from a maternal aunt – who I understand was the primary info giver for the social and medical on the younger son.

We have started reading the book “Angel in the Waters” which is delightful tale of baby and it’s guardian angel. It is a great jumping off point to dscuss how wonderful the gift of a new life is. How I can’t have babies and their birth moms were awesome and could have babies. Then we go into talking about their birth histories. I have that on the younger son, at least.

As to Christopher’s birth mom, she always asserts that I am the real mom – she is the birth mom. She refuses to be a “closet birth mom”. For the new son, we haven’t had her talk to him about how hard it is to place a child yet. She is available just in case it might matter to him. Besides that, she is like an aunt and spoils the kids rotten. She does babysit for us and that is wonderful. She is always happy to give the child back, but treasures her time with him. We both have things that sting us, but we try to be considerate and communicate well. It is one of those things that each of us has a loss, but they are the flipside of our pleasure.

The birth mom is called by her first name. Her parents are grandma first name and pop. They come at different times than the larger family group of my husband’s family. I am from a small protestant family so it just gets absorbed by the Irish clan I married into.

I know that we will hold a special place in our sons’ lives. I try very hard to honor the birth parents. Even the birth mom who abused the new son did give him life – something I could never do. So that is worthy enough of respect.